bermboy Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I recently discovered my wife has been having an affair for 2 months. She cannot decide to stop seeing this man nor choose between the two of us and is confused. She tells me that is no physical contact any longer as I have asked for this. I do believe her. She says she wants to work on our marriage and we are starting counseling. She is still acting like we have a future as we are planning future events. This OM is married with kids and is also in counseling for his marriage. I don't know where to turn or what I should do. Just wait?
2sunny Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Did you tell his wife? What consequences has your wife suffered for her bad behavior? Do you have kids together? 1
KathyM Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I think marriage counseling would be a good idea since you are undecided about which way to go on this. Marriage counseling doesn't have to be only for the sole purpose of saving your marriage. Some couples go for marriage counseling to process issues and come to decisions about their marriage. Some go for closure or to reach an amicable conclusion to their marriage. It would probably help you to talk this out with your wife and a professional marriage counselor, since you are undecided how you want to proceed on this. For some, the infidelity would be an automatic deal breaker, but for others, they are not sure how to proceed. Since you are undecided, marriage counseling would definitely be a good idea in your case in order to come to some decision and develop a plan on how to proceed.
dichotomy Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Did you tell his wife? What consequences has your wife suffered for her bad behavior? Do you have kids together? Ya this - and I am confused. So your wife says she is still seeing him, but no sex? Or she is in contact with him, but no sex? YOU BELIEVE HER ?- WHY? in any case why would you permit yourself to be emtionally cuckold'ed by allowing her to see him or talk to him? If she is in some form of communication/contact does OM's wife know this as well? If your in therapy - I can not imagine the marriage therapist would not have demanded she have NC with OM Edited August 9, 2013 by dichotomy
aliveagain Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Sorry, marriage counseling won't work if she is still in contact with Other Man, don't waste your money. If they are still in contact she is still choosing him. Contact his wife expose the affair, don't tell your wife when you do, all she will do is warn him. Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights regarding your children, your home, your finances. If she refuses no contact with him, file for divorce because you are still the only one committed to your marriage, divorce takes time and you can stop the process at anytime up to the final decree. Read up on the 180 and make it your way of life with her. Tell her your requirements to stay in the marriage as well as the immediate consequences if she breaks them. This is a time to be strong because she will do to you whatever you allow her to. Do not be her back up, her fall back guy. There are things much worse than divorce, sharing your wife with Other Men is one of them. Tell the OM's wife, she is at risk, your wife may not be the only woman he's banging. Affairs thrive in secrecy that's part of the high they get from banging someone else's spouse. Do not believe anything your wife tells you at this time, cheaters are liars, assume the worst. Get both of you tested for STD's, they always lie about using protection(I would make a pregnancy test part of that too). No sex with her until you do. Sorry you are here, there are no shortcuts to get to healing, the only way through it is to go through it. Give her one chance for honesty, most wayward's only tell you what they think you already know, there is usually more. They often trickle truth you, giving you little bits. When you catch them in lies they will always tell you they lied to protect you from more pain, the truth is their protecting their own cheating ass's. Please talk to a lawyer, learn your rights so you can protect your children. None of this is your fault. 2
canuckprincess Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Why are you allowing your ws to decide the fate of your future? Are you kidding me, you realize if the om leaves his marriage your wife will drop you like a hot potato! 3
BHsigh Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Why are you allowing your ws to decide the fate of your future? Are you kidding me, you realize if the om leaves his marriage your wife will drop you like a hot potato! +1 Agreed, beat her to the punch, leave her and expose their A to AP's wife, file for divorce right away. Then you'll see which way she really wants to go. She should have no contact with him at all, none, otherwise she's just waiting for an opportunity to restart their A, if she did indeed stop the A.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 You have no control over what your wife does, you only have control over yourself. If you stay with her while she is "indecisive", she may remain in that state indefinitely. No matter what she says, you have no way of knowing if what she is saying is true or not. If you leave her and file for divorce right now, she has 2 options. She has to make a decision. 1.Do anything and everything it takes to get you back and repair the damage she has done to your marriage 2. Go through with the divorce Right now-It is your decision. 2
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Dude, if you want to end the affair, you need to tell the other dude wife right now! Affairs are like roaches. They love the darkness, but as soon as you turn on the light, they scatter. That's what you need to do. You need to bring the affair to light. I'm pretty certain that the OM is going to throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!! This only gives them time to come up with a viable and believable story to tell the OMW about how you are some crazy ass dude accusing his wife of sleeping with any dude that walks on by. So, don't give them time to plan. When your wife finds out that you told the OMW she is going to be PISSED! Which, I never got considering she's already told you she wants to work on the marriage. She may even say that she was willing to work on the marriage, but after the stunt you pulled....blah....blah... don't listen to it or take it seriously. It's just cheater speak. She's just pissed because you snapped her out of her fantasy world and made her realize that her actions have consequences. The thing is, right now the OM has it good. He's giving his wife the impression that he's working on his marriage while he gets to sleep with YOUR wife on the side. Life is good for him. If you tell his wife the truth, he may start to view your wife as the cause of all his problems. 1
2sunny Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Why aren't YOU deciding that you deserve so much more for yourself than a wife who doesn't decide?
96nole Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 No, you do not "just wait." You are her husband, you are not an option. It is time for you to take control of this situation. -Kick her out of the house. -Take a suitcase of her clothes to the OM's house and let him and his wife know your soon to be ex is coming over to stay for a while. -go see a lawyer and get the divorce process started Whatever it is you decide to do, you need to take control. Take control for you. Your wife isn't going to respect you, at least respect yourself.
NotCamelot Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Why does she get to be the one holding all YOUR cards. IMHO, you should tell her very simply: "Me or Him -- and if you can't choose, then it obviously is not me. And, in that case, get out. Go be with lover boy AND HIS WIFE." And, I would definitely call the OMs wife. That usually stops it cold. A lot of times, you find an ally in that person......she has the same self-interest you do. And, besides, she deserves to know what she is married to ( if she doesn't already ).
2sunny Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 The fact that she still has her OM in her life indicates to you that she has chosen. Now you can also choose to eliminate her from your life knowing that she doesn't intend to make you her priority. Move your money to your name only. Change the locks on the house after putting her packed back outside the front door. Close her credit cards and separate yourself from anything that has to do with her.
Author bermboy Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks everyone. Some history: We are both in our early 50's. Married 23 years. One son just of to college. In the past 5 months my job has been consuming me which has caused me to not give my wife the attention, support, and comfort she has desperately needed. About 2 months ago she met a friend of a friend who turns out is also having marriage problems. He gave my wife all the things mentioned above and there started the friendship/affair. This went on for while before I discovered their messages on a social networking site. When I first approached my wife she denied it all until I admitted to seeing everything in writing. She told me that this man has been a friend and supporter during the time she needed it and I was not. I have already gone to counseling alone. My wife will go alone next week and we will go together next. The counselor did tell me that the affair must stop before my wife and I can heal. I told my wife today that she must stop seeing him in order for us to heal. She told me that she misses him constantly. I explained to her that she is missing an idea and that they have only shared time in a fantasy or vacation world with not responsibilities or worries. She became upset by this so I hope she is seeing the big picture. As mentioned this man is married with two teenage kids. He tells my wife that he and his wife are also in counseling. Wonder how that will go considering his relationship with my wife. According to my wife she has told this OM that we are working on our marriage and that we cannot hold to heal if he is still in the picture. He told her that he will back out if she wants him to. This has not happened. He continually tells her he only wants what's best for her. Since I have found out about my short comings I changed my life in order to be a better husband. She says she has seen the changes in me but is not sure if this is a permanent thing of only something to get her back. I deeply love my wife and want to save our marriage and future together. These changes are here to stay. As previously mentioned my wife will not make the decision between me and the OM and gives no time frame or "thing" that will cause her to make this decision. Not sure how long she expects this to go on. When we talk about plans for next few months such as Christmas and other events she talks like everything is normal and that nothing is going to change or happen between us in the near future. I'm confused.
GorillaTheater Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Hey Berm. Just for context, I'm 51 and have been married for 29 years, so I get where you're coming from. To a point. You don't have to prove anything to your wife regarding your changes. It's up to her to prove she's wife material, and so far she's failing miserably. Take control of the situation and of your life. Give your proof to the other man's wife and file for divorce. If she shapes up hard and fast and thoroughly enough, you can always put it on hold. You need to get her complete and undivided attention. You don't have it now because you're just your wife's Plan B. You're better than that. 3
Try Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) In the past 5 months my job has been consuming me which has caused me to not give my wife the attention, support, and comfort she has desperately needed. About 2 months ago she met a friend of a friend who turns out is also having marriage problems. He gave my wife all the things mentioned above and there started the friendship/affair. You work hard for 5 months to make money for the family, and to help pay for your child's college, and she tires to hold that against you as a reason to cheat? You should call bull to that and not buy into this. Please understand her decision to cheat had nothing to do with this. Once a person decides to cheat, they will always find a reason to blame shift it to their spouse. This happens 100% of the time. It is right out of the cheaters handbook. If it was not this, it would have been something else. Since I have found out about my short comings I changed my life in order to be a better husband. She says she has seen the changes in me but is not sure if this is a permanent thing of only something to get her back. I deeply love my wife and want to save our marriage and future together. These changes are here to stay. Cheaters try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that is impossible for any human to meet, while not applying any standards to themselves. They do this because they want their spouses to fail this test of perfection to rationalize their cheating. Do not let her fool you into thinking that you are to blame. You both are 50%-50% responsible for the issues of your marraige, but she is 100% to blame for her cheating. If she wanted to really work on the marriage, cheating is not the way to do this. Cheating never fixes a problem in a marraige. You know how I know that she could have fixed the issues in your marraige with you if she tried? I k now because only a person that cares would feel bad like you do about not being perfect. Again, your so called short comings had nothing to do with it. As previously mentioned my wife will not make the decision between me and the OM and gives no time frame or "thing" that will cause her to make this decision. Why would she make this decision when she gets to cheat with another man (OM), while having you work hard kissing her arse to be a better husband, while demanding nothing in return? This should not even be her decision, it should be yours. You both have it backwards. She should be begging you to forgive her for her cheating. Stop begging and pleading to get her back. If you read other threads on this board that go back a couple years, you will see that begging and pleading is the surest way to lose your wife. It never works. You know in those horror movies when somebody says "lets split up", and everyone know that this is never a good idea? Well begging and pleading sounds just like that to most of the long time regulars on this board. You must man up and earn her respect again. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. You must be willing in your heart to end the marraige if she does not respect you or the marraige. Tell her that she either picks you and ends forever all contact with the other man (OM), or you will file for divorce immediately. Tell her that not making a decision is her not making a decision to pick you, and that you will file for divorce. It is not a sure thing that this will save your marriage, but it gives you the best odds, and has the added benefit of saving your self respect. Edited August 9, 2013 by Try 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 It's called fence-sitting. And cake-eating. She will never choose, why should she? She was happy with other man on the side and you at home. She's in her 50s, but trust me her mind is like that of a 15-year-old high school girl who has her first crush when it comes to other man. You are like her dad, trying to rein her in and tell her how it won't work. She will have none of it, she KNOWS this is her ONE TRUE LOVE, her SOUL MATE, the one who will FULFILL HER (she thought you were many years ago, but it turns out you are just human like everyone else, and she doesn't realize that she is responsible for her own happiness). She has that "crush," "in love," "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling with the other man - it is a new and exciting relationship, they are discovering everything about each other, and THEY ARE PUTTING THEIR BEST FEET FORWARD. NO FLAWS. Unlike you, who she knows inside out, upside down and backwards - knows all your flaws all too well. HOW CAN YOU COMPETE WITH THAT? The truth is, you can't. There are two ways to get your wife out of the affair. One is to break up the affair, expose the other man far and wide, make it so unpleasant for him that he throws your wife under the bus. The other is to kick her out, tell her that if she loves the other man so much, she should go be with him - live with him. Pack her stuff up in black plastic trash bags, throw them in the car, and call other man up in front of her and tell her he wins the booby prize, he wanted her, he's got her, and you'll be dropping her off bag and baggage in 15 minutes. Or at least baggage. If she refuses to get in the car, take her stuff and drop it off on his front lawn. The nice treatment doesn't work. The "I fixed myself" stuff doesn't work. She KNOWS she can always come back to you, you are safe, and WAY TOO EASY, and therefore she doesn't value you. With other man, she is afraid that if she makes one false move, he will dump her. So she really tries to please him. You - she doesn't have to try. It sounds counter-intuitive, but the more you pull away from her, the more she will chase you. The more you chase her, the more she will pull away from you. This is human nature. We take for granted those things that come too easy. We take for granted the good things in our lives until we lose them, or are about to. Listen, there are no guarantees. It's possible that your wife might never come back. But if you do want to get her back, one of the courses of action I described is your best bet. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 IShe cannot decide to stop seeing this man nor choose between the two of us and is confused. She tells me that is no physical contact any longer as I have asked for this. I do believe her. Don't be a fool. Of course she is still having physical contact with him. She is a bit like an addict. They can't keep away from each other, like teenagers in love. When she says no physical contact any longer, she means since last night or the day before, not since she promise you she wouldn't. Cheaters follow a script and your wife is following it to a T. Stop looking at her as the trustworthy wife of 23 years. She really is a different person right now, with different values. Please pay attention to this: When it comes to the affair, believe NOTHING she says. Pay attention only to her actions, believe only those things that are supported by actions or by verifiable evidence. Cheaters in the midst of an affair, trying to balance the betrayed husband against the affair partner, trying to keep both on the hook UNTIL they can make a decision (WHICH THEY NEVER CAN), will lie their asses off. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 It might help you see through the lies if you could monitor her a bit. Do you have access to her cell phone bills? Credit card bills? Email, Facebook? Car? Look at those for signs that she still is talking to and seeing the other man. You can put a voice-activated recorder in her car and in the house where she is likely to talk to him when you are not around. You may catch her talking to him, which should give you some insight by what she is saying to him. Or maybe you will catch her confiding in a girlfriend. You need to get a handle on where you really stand. Unfortunately, you can't trust her to tell you the truth.
Steen719 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 The truth is, you can't. There are two ways to get your wife out of the affair. One is to break up the affair, expose the other man far and wide, make it so unpleasant for him that he throws your wife under the bus. The other is to kick her out, tell her that if she loves the other man so much, she should go be with him - live with him. Pack her stuff up in black plastic trash bags, throw them in the car, and call other man up in front of her and tell her he wins the booby prize, he wanted her, he's got her, and you'll be dropping her off bag and baggage in 15 minutes. Or at least baggage. If she refuses to get in the car, take her stuff and drop it off on his front lawn. The nice treatment doesn't work. The "I fixed myself" stuff doesn't work. She KNOWS she can always come back to you, you are safe, and WAY TOO EASY, and therefore she doesn't value you. With other man, she is afraid that if she makes one false move, he will dump her. So she really tries to please him. You - she doesn't have to try. It sounds counter-intuitive, but the more you pull away from her, the more she will chase you. The more you chase her, the more she will pull away from you. This is human nature. We take for granted those things that come too easy. We take for granted the good things in our lives until we lose them, or are about to. Listen, there are no guarantees. It's possible that your wife might never come back. But if you do want to get her back, one of the courses of action I described is your best bet. You don't know this, bermboy, but this is the best advice you will get here. Listen to this; this is not just some random talk. This is what happens over and over and over ad nauseum. Betrayed spouses try to "get better" for their cheating spouses and take on the blame that is shoved at them. You won't believe this right now, I don't think, but I would advise you to read some of the other posts from those betrayed spouses who have been in your situation and take heed from their advice. Good luck. 2
2sunny Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Call her OM's wife now! Tell her what's going on! If she was lonely - cheating isn't a solution! She cold work, do charity work or help others. For her to say its your fault is absurd! Don't own that - it's ONLY her fault! Sop making it so easy for her to continue cheating - give her consequences that make it hurt for her! She can move! Cut off her money, credit cards - everything! Her cheating is ONLY her fault! Do not take responsibility for her bad behavior! The fact that you've been to the counselor - yet she hasn't yet - is a big problem too! IF/SINCE she's not doing 200% of her efforts to repair the damage she caused and right what she's done wrong - she just intends to keep using you and doing whatever she wants (seeing her OM). Call his wife right now! Tell her everything!
Artie Lang Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 who told you this man is in counseling? your wife? you cannot believe anything she says at this point? i suggest you make sure this is true. talk to the other BS if you haven't already. to be honest, it doesn't seem like this over. sounds like there's still some contact. why else would she be holding out for this man, if he's genuinely working on his marriage. something doesn't sound right.
2sunny Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 You have yourself married to a very active cheating wife. Why is that ok with you? What do you plan to do to change your life?
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