daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I've been dating this guy for about 8 months. We have become bf/gf, and have been talking about moving in together. This has been for about 4 out of the 8 months. Never once has FB become a topic of our discussions. Early on, I made my peace with that. Usually that is one of the first things people do when I meet them. They send me a friend request within a couple weeks of knowing them. Last night, my bf asked me if I'd want to be FB friends. Having already thought about this, I told him no. I didn't think it was a good idea because a lot of drama can be stirred up on FB. He said that wasn't an answer as to why I don't want to be FB friends with him. Now. Before you say the usual "if you have nothing to hide, well...", I asked him if he would like to view my FB account on my computer while I'm signed in. He'd have uninhibited access to everything on my FB. Not only that, he works from home so he has used my computers while I'm at work to do his work. My FB is always signed in. My main problem with social media is that it is taken too seriously and can cause issues where there are none. He told me that he didn't want to live with me now because of my answer. He said if I can give other people access to my FB page that I don't care much about, then why can't he have access. I gave him access. I gave him the opportunity to look, and he'd have the opportunity in the future because I am never signed out because I have nothing to hide. I just don't think social media needs to be involved in a relationship. All FB has been for me is a way to keep in touch with family and a couple old friends and I really don't even do that much. It's just a glorified picture holder now. In any case, I ended up asking him to leave last night because I needed a breather. And if we are going to have two apartments, we might as well utilize them when we need space. I don't expect to see his FB or even want to. What is more important to me is what's in front of me. That's personally how I feel.
Emilia Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I don't think this is about facebook. I'm getting the impression the two of you engage in power struggles and at least one of you want everything their own way. 6
Philosoraptor Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Wow, this is a bit crazy on both ends. There must not be enough trust or faith in this relationship as both of you are really worried about social media. The question is why are either of you worried either way? What drama do you anticipate? Why do you anticipate it? Why does he put such high emphasis on social media? Why is adding him a make or break for moving in together? Overall this entire situation is ridiculous. 2
MidwestUSA Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I don't think this is about facebook. I'm getting the impression the two of you engage in power struggles and at least one of you want everything their own way. Um, yea. She EXPECTED a friend request within weeks of knowing him. She didn't get it. She "thought about it", and opted to punish him when he did make the request. Power indeed. 3
Author daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I agree with Emillia. It is some sort of power struggle. I thought I was compromising when I offered him a look at it. I personally just don't like social media. It's good for keeping in touch for people you hardly ever see, but outside of that, I don't think it's something that should bear so much weight (just in general, not even in this particular situation). I was more upset at his reaction of not living together than anything else. I was also highly frustrated when I told him that it could add drama where there isn't any. Drama such as misinterpreting posts or getting upset about this person here or this person says something.... to me it's just an added stressor that doesn't need to be added. I wasn't worried about it being too soon to move in together because our leases for each of our places don't expire until some time next year. But I suppose this is just one to put in the con section...
Author daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Um, yea. She EXPECTED a friend request within weeks of knowing him. She didn't get it. She "thought about it", and opted to punish him when he did make the request. Power indeed. It wasn't about punishing him at all. It had 0% to do with that. That's pretty presumptuous of you.
Babolat Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 +1 to all the replies. I hate Facebook and I rarely use the word hate. My ex kept wanting to FB me and I kept saying no. 8 months into our relationship she sent me a request...I sat on it for a few days. So what do I do, of course, I go look at all her stuff..electronci stuff I did not need to see and of course I took it all out of context. And she has quite a few male admirers and orbiters who love to tell her how great she looks when she posts a photos, even when she posted photos of us. It drove me nuts. Will someone please shoot facebook! 1
Keenly Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Um, yea. She EXPECTED a friend request within weeks of knowing him. She didn't get it. She "thought about it", and opted to punish him when he did make the request. Power indeed. There is no punishment here. Anyone who has ever actually been in a relationship and been friends on Facebook with their partner learns that Facebook RUINS relationships over stupid insignificant things that otherwise would never come up. I will never again be Facebook friends with any girl I'm dating. Its not healthy. He is the one being unreasonable.
New User Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 It does strike me as a bit odd that he'd wait this long to ask. Your reasoning for saying no strikes me as a bit odd too. Two things that come to mind- the possibility that he's either a very light user and it never occurred to him before, and/or he only recently opened his account. Not everyone has an FB account and of those that do not everyone uses it on any kind of regular basis. I think that mine was set up about two years before I made any kind of posts on it; I prolly never would have really done anything on it if not for the fact that the gal I started seeing after my marriage failed was a really heavy user and we were living a couple hundred miles apart so it was the easiest way for us to stay in touch.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 There is no punishment here. Anyone who has ever actually been in a relationship and been friends on Facebook with their partner learns that Facebook RUINS relationships over stupid insignificant things that otherwise would never come up. I will never again be Facebook friends with any girl I'm dating. Its not healthy. He is the one being unreasonable. Agree...OP gave him access to her FB anytime. Perhaps his ego wants to be FB offical ? I love the my g/f and I rarely use FB. For example on her bday, I did not post "happy birthday my love" or something similar on her FB page. I called her that morning and took her out later. I do not need to prove anything to other people on FB regarding my feelings toward her nor does she need to towards me. That is all ego to feel otherwise.
nescafe1982 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 The irony here is that even without being connected, Facebook is causing drama in this relationship. I don't understand the reasoning for saying "no" to a BF's facebook request. I *get* that the site has major drama-causing potential (been there), but if you trust each other to be level-headed enough to skate that drama (and you should is you're thinking about shacking up!) then Facebook shouldn't be this much of a wedge. Yeah, it's a Catch-22... but by refusing a friend request you're sending out one heck of a red flag. My opinion. 2
MidwestUSA Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 It wasn't about punishing him at all. It had 0% to do with that. That's pretty presumptuous of you. Okay, then, sorry. But curious, why did you have to "make peace" with the fact that the topic of FB didn't come up early in your relationship? See where I was getting that? You made it sound as if you expected him to make the request much sooner, and he didn't. FB is worthless at best, a curse at worst (for the health of relationships). JMO. Good luck, he did overreact. 1
Author daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I love the my g/f and I rarely use FB. For example on her bday, I did not post "happy birthday my love" or something similar on her FB page. I called her that morning and took her out later. I do not need to prove anything to other people on FB regarding my feelings toward her nor does she need to towards me. That is all ego to feel otherwise. Something like that would cause my mom to be like omgod, he didn't tell you happy bday or something like that. I can't control what other people do on my FB page. I just felt like adding social media to the relationship was more hassle than it was worth. As far as sending red flags, I asked him if he'd just like to look at it. I really don't want him to think that I'm keeping things from him. I guess this is just a big slap of realization atm. I guess it does play a big part in life these days. And it's true. It is causing an issue w/o even having the FB connection. I'm just pretty pissed that this is so much of an issue that he doesn't want to live together anymore. Anyhow, thank-you for your replies. It has been insightful.
Author daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Okay, then, sorry. But curious, why did you have to "make peace" with the fact that the topic of FB didn't come up early in your relationship? See where I was getting that? You made it sound as if you expected him to make the request much sooner, and he didn't. FB is worthless at best, a curse at worst (for the health of relationships). JMO. Good luck, he did overreact. I guess I meant that I just kind of wondered at it for awhile. And by make my peace I meant I came to the conclusion that he had his reasons for it and if something came up later, then I had my own reasons for not sending out a request or even broaching the topic.
nescafe1982 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Something like that would cause my mom to be like omgod, he didn't tell you happy bday or something like that. I can't control what other people do on my FB page. I just felt like adding social media to the relationship was more hassle than it was worth. As far as sending red flags, I asked him if he'd just like to look at it. I really don't want him to think that I'm keeping things from him. I guess this is just a big slap of realization atm. I guess it does play a big part in life these days. And it's true. It is causing an issue w/o even having the FB connection. I'm just pretty pissed that this is so much of an issue that he doesn't want to live together anymore. Anyhow, thank-you for your replies. It has been insightful. I totally get this. But FWIW, if my BF told me I could look at his newsfeed I would feel weirdly like I was invading his privacy. I wouldn't be interested in that, and it would feel like he was "upping the stakes" in the Facebook drama. Not saying this is what's happening in your scenario, but put yourself in his perspective for a moment. How would you feel if he, say, told you that you could read his messages? My mom absolutely embarrasses me on Facebook. Fact of life. If your mother is the kind of person that would comment on your BF's lack-of-Birthday-post.... maybe your mom has issues with boundaries (no judgment, it happens). BUT-- why should other folks with boundary issues indirectly cause problems in your relationship with your BF? And are you really concerned that your BF would have a problem with your FB-friend's commentary? I mean, Facebook is not an issue... but your reasoning around it sounds a little like there are some issues with trust with your BF. Maybe those trust issues can be worked on. And IMO, 8 months is too early to think about moving in with a BF; this issue might have just led him to realize you guys need some more time to build up trust.
truth_seeker Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Um, yea. She EXPECTED a friend request within weeks of knowing him. She didn't get it. She "thought about it", and opted to punish him when he did make the request. Power indeed. So true and right! I had something similar happen to me. Girl expected me to ask her out when she gave me the opportunity. I didn't take it. I waited and asked her out another time. She paused, ie, "thought about it" then told me to stick my head where the sun don't shine
truth_seeker Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Okay, then, sorry. But curious, why did you have to "make peace" with the fact that the topic of FB didn't come up early in your relationship? See where I was getting that? You made it sound as if you expected him to make the request much sooner, and he didn't. FB is worthless at best, a curse at worst (for the health of relationships). JMO. Good luck, he did overreact. Why are you sorry? I think you're right. She doesn't want him on FB in case things don't work out. Also, she doesn't want him possibly obsessing and questioning her over guys posting comments on her photos.
LBean Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 This is why I got rid of facebook long ago... I see his point, and more so, though I think he's overreacted, I understand why. I don't think it's as much him feeling like you're hiding things from him, but hiding him from others. It wouldn't make sense to me either that my bf wouldn't want me on his facebook, but would have no problem with me perusing it. If he were the type to freak out about guys commenting and sending you messages, well, if he's allowed to look at it, he's going to see that anyway, so that doesn't solve anything. Ugh... The joys of social media. I hate it. and +1 to all posts here. 1
Author daniz0rz Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Thank you for everyone's input. Both him and I had good points. I honestly thought it was a compromise having him just look if he was so worried or curious. I suppose not. We both just had a long conversation about how we need to both stop being so stubborn. He also elaborated his reasons for wanted to be FB friends after so long, and he because it's something he wants to share with his FB world. I get it, and I will probably concede, but it was definitely an interesting juncture. FB is nothing to me. I don't really network on it or play games or anything like that. I'll post pics for family or w/e but nothing else really. So it not being important, I didn't feel like the potential drama of having him on there was worth it. It seems pretty 50/50 on how people feel about it in general, and it was great to see some other views outside of my own anger and frustration. Again, thx! 1
Mycteria Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 This is so dumb. It's so popular to hate on Facebook these days. Facebook is what you make it. I've been Facebook friends with every person I've ever dated. My longest relationship lasted 3 years and we were active Facebook users the entire time. Not ONCE did it ever cause any sort of drama. I can completely see your boyfriend's point. If I were dating someone and they wouldn't add me as a friend, I would immediately think they were hiding something. If they explained to me that they were trying to avoid drama, my first reaction would be "what the hell kind of person are you that you are seriously worried about drama on Facebook?" I don't know any mature adult who actually has drama problems with Facebook. Like I said, Facebook is ENTIRELY what you make it. If you make it drama, then it will be.
irc333 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Meh, they can do what every other couple does. Change the facebook status to "in a relationship with" said boyfriend. ANd start posting pictures of you two together if you hadn't done it already. The irony here is that even without being connected, Facebook is causing drama in this relationship. I don't understand the reasoning for saying "no" to a BF's facebook request. I *get* that the site has major drama-causing potential (been there), but if you trust each other to be level-headed enough to skate that drama (and you should is you're thinking about shacking up!) then Facebook shouldn't be this much of a wedge. Yeah, it's a Catch-22... but by refusing a friend request you're sending out one heck of a red flag. My opinion.
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