New User Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 We are very very very close to one another emotionally. I don't think seeing it from a 3rd point of view, one could understand. The terms of today's standard relationship are more of "I'm here for me". We are much more involved than that and that's where all the frustration comes from. She wants to be the sole girl in my head and me not to keep other options open. And I'm OK with that as long as she does the same. But again if I wasn't IN this and I'd look at it, I'd think what a bunch of idiots that can't keep their cool. But being IN it is much different. I'm not calling you an idiot, but even your thread title indicates that you are in a very chaotic relationship so you know this on some level. Obviously we can only base our advice on how we interpret what we read here- from that perspective it sounds to me like a very high-maintenance and draining relationship. If it isn't, then I don't really get why you are posting all these threads about it.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I'm not calling you an idiot, but even your thread title indicates that you are in a very chaotic relationship so you know this on some level. Obviously we can only base our advice on how we interpret what we read here- from that perspective it sounds to me like a very high-maintenance and draining relationship. If it isn't, then I don't really get why you are posting all these threads about it. It is VERY draining and VERY high-maintenance... but on the other hand the emotional reward is HUUUUGE. And we're both OK with the R being very draining and high-maintenance as long as we don't hurt each other.
New User Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 It is VERY draining and VERY high-maintenance... but on the other hand the emotional reward is HUUUUGE. And we're both OK with the R being very draining and high-maintenance as long as we don't hurt each other. How long do you think that will last though? Healthy relationships are not draining. The dynamic you are describing is very common in co-dependent and emotionally abusive (no, I'm not saying that yours is. Nowhere near enough information to know) relationships. Regardless, I've pretty much given my opinion on this here and in your other threads. So I'll close by just wishing you good luck.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 How long do you think that will last though? Healthy relationships are not draining. The dynamic you are describing is very common in co-dependent and emotionally abusive (no, I'm not saying that yours is. Nowhere near enough information to know) relationships. Regardless, I've pretty much given my opinion on this here and in your other threads. So I'll close by just wishing you good luck. Who says that "healthy relationships" are not draining? Who can really define what a healthy relationship is? I think we are (well were, haven't talked to her in 4 days), co-dependent, but not emotionally abusive at all. Thanks a lot for the good luck. I'll update this if I see fit.
KatZee Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Who says that "healthy relationships" are not draining? Who can really define what a healthy relationship is? Actually, healthy relationships AREN'T draining at all. Will there be issues that arise? Sure. But are relationships meant to drain you emotionally and mentally? No. And who can define what a healthy relationship is? Relationship experts. Great therapists. Your parents. I can tell you what healthy relationships are NOT: 1. Co-dependent 2. Untrusting 3. Emotionally manipulative 4. Passive aggressive 5. Controlling 6. Lies 7. Those lacking boundaries It honestly sounds like you both thrive on the drama, and you both like the dysfunction that this relationship brings. So go. Enjoy. Not sure why you bother making the threads if you're so "satisfied" and the emotional reward is so great. You're both dysfunctional people, and you're both together, and you both enjoy it. So who cares.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Actually, healthy relationships AREN'T draining at all. Will there be issues that arise? Sure. But are relationships meant to drain you emotionally and mentally? No. And who can define what a healthy relationship is? Relationship experts. Great therapists. Your parents. I can tell you what healthy relationships are NOT: 1. Co-dependent 2. Untrusting 3. Emotionally manipulative 4. Passive aggressive 5. Controlling 6. Lies 7. Those lacking boundaries It honestly sounds like you both thrive on the drama, and you both like the dysfunction that this relationship brings. So go. Enjoy. Not sure why you bother making the threads if you're so "satisfied" and the emotional reward is so great. You're both dysfunctional people, and you're both together, and you both enjoy it. So who cares. Lol sure. W.e... You just used a ton of labels for things that I am not sure you understand. What expertise do you have to label someone as "dysfunctional".? And yes obviously you yourself and everyone else on this earth has never done any of the 7 things you listed. We're all angels that have never lied or tried to control someone -.-'. I've read a lot, a lot about attraction and you know where it comes from? Wanting to gain control over something, so if you've ever had a crush then you have wanted to be in control and therefore you have not been healthy.
KatZee Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Lol sure. W.e... You just used a ton of labels for things that I am not sure you understand. What expertise do you have to label someone as "dysfunctional".? And yes obviously you yourself and everyone else on this earth has never done any of the 7 things you listed. We're all angels that have never lied or tried to control someone -.-'. I've read a lot, a lot about attraction and you know where it comes from? Wanting to gain control over something, so if you've ever had a crush then you have wanted to be in control and therefore you have not been healthy. Not sure why you just make jokes to everyone who clearly can see your relationship is unhealthy. Not one person here has said to you, "Yes, you have a great relationship!" There is a huge difference between you and I. I'm not saying I've never been some of the things above, but the difference between you and I is that I leave a situation when it becomes unhealthy for me, and I also adjust my own behavior accordingly and I learn from things I've done incorrectly in the past. That's the point of evolving and maturing. Not just clinging to something so toxic and then defending your relationship up and down. We're on the outside, we can see what you're in. You're blinded by emotion and this up and down's of this drama relationship. Again, it doesn't really bother me if you enjoy it and you want to stay in it. So just stop posting about it. 1
ChatroomHero Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Lol sure. W.e... You just used a ton of labels for things that I am not sure you understand. What expertise do you have to label someone as "dysfunctional".? And yes obviously you yourself and everyone else on this earth has never done any of the 7 things you listed. We're all angels that have never lied or tried to control someone -.-'. I've read a lot, a lot about attraction and you know where it comes from? Wanting to gain control over something, so if you've ever had a crush then you have wanted to be in control and therefore you have not been healthy. If you honestly believed it's healthy, what do you expect to gain from posting on here? If everyone posted on here that you were right and she was completely wrong, what do you gain? Confidence for your next "healthy" confrontation?
hppr Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 So I caught my gf creeping on her exes fb. I confronted her about it and she said ye, she did it just once and she could show me her search log if I wanted to. She showed it to me and she had been checking on him for a month almost every day. I felt really bad. She started crying, trying to tell me how much she loved me and that it wasn't real. That she didn't even know she had been doing it and she guessed it had become a habit or something, but she wasn't interested in the slightest to the guy. She told me she is very sure about what she wants and when I asked her then why she had checked it, she said it was probably just curiosity. But she really did not feel anything (she dumped the guy not the other way around.) I told her I didn't know if I could get past this and it had opened a huge gap in btw of us. I just didn't wanna deal with it so I went to sleep. She cried all night, waking me up from time to time, saying she was feeling the worst she'd ever felt in her life and that she's blaming herself for this and that she won't let this break what we have. I comforted her a bit and said what's done is done. No need to feel bad about it. In the morning I woke up with breakfast and coffee ready and her still almost crying. Tried to hug me a lot of times, I wasn't very receptive. Then walked with me to work. And asked me repeatedly if she still had a chance. That she would push as much as she can but she just wanted to know if I was on a dead end or no. I told her I didn't know and I need time to think so the emotions can fade away and I can think rationally if she can make me happy, or if these kind of problems would be coming up again. She said they wouldn't. She promised. And then I got in my workplace. She wanted to hug. Asked me to kiss her. I told her I was late for work and I left. I just want an outsider's perspective........ That sounds like idiot teenaged girl behavior not woman behavior. The impulsive looking at ex boyfriend pics, then freaking out when you discovered what she was doing. All the "I don't want to lose you I love you and kiss you (but I like looking at my ex boyfriend's Facebook and fantasizing about him)". To me it just sounds like too much of a headache for me. Personally I'd walk rather than deal with that noise but it is up to you.
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