Naming my daughter: Two last names, or a hyphenated last name?

[Arabella]

Just found out my child is going to be a girl. I'm over the moon, because I really really wanted a girl

 

Anyway... I want to give her both my SO's and mine's last name. I'm dead-set on that, so please don't try to talk me out of it. She is bi-racial and I need her to have some part of me!

 

The question is ... how should I go about it? Both of our last names are pretty short. For argument's sake, let's pretend they are Martin (mine) and Chan (his). I'm still undecided on the first name, so I'll use one that kinda sounds like the top choice I have in mind.

 

Delia Martin-Chan

 

-or-

 

Delia Martin Chan

 

I wouldn't use a middle name in either case.

 

What do you think? Hyphenate or just two separate last names? I can't decide what will be less annoying for her and people in general, for things such as medical records.

 

Thoughts please!

 

-A

[Balzac]

I wouldn't use a middle name in either case.

 

We may be parsing a word here but no hyphen means one becomes a middle name. Legally I've never encountered otherwise.

[GorillaTheater]

It's only my opinion, and I can't give a sound reason to support it, but hyphenated names have always bothered me to a certain extent.

 

Beautiful name, though. I even have a story about a Delia in my life, but I suspect you may not want to hear it.

[Arabella]

I wouldn't use a middle name in either case.

 

We may be parsing a word here but no hyphen means one becomes a middle name. Legally I've never encountered otherwise.

 

My personal experience was different. When I first moved here, I had one first name, no middle name, two last names. It's possible to fill out the paperwork in such a manner

 

It was annoying though, because people often got confused and assumed one was a middle name, leading to all sorts of trouble in trying to locate my information.

 

Should I add a middle name to avoid this? Would that even help? I figured with no middle name, their names would be simpler/shorter... but that might have the opposite effect.

 

It's only my opinion, and I can't give a sound reason to support it, but hyphenated names have always bothered me to a certain extent.

 

Beautiful name, though. I even have a story about a Delia in my life, but I suspect you may not want to hear it.

 

And this is the other reason why I'm torn! Hyphenated names are pretty annoying... I agree. The question becomes... which is less annoying?

 

Delia is a pretty name, but it's just an example... I'm still undecided, but they're all short names.

 

Feel free to PM that story!

 

My children's names are hyphenated.

 

Basically my eldest son I was a single mother and gave him only my last name. When I had my next child I didn't want my eldest to be the only one with my last name so I hyphenated our names. I also gave my children middle names. My children all have family middle names it was important to me.

 

Now, even though the names are hyphenated I will say it doesn't matter to my children. Is odd..but they all go by my last name in everything by their choice.

 

Hey, ask them for me, will you? Do they do this because it's simpler, or because they genuinely don't want to use their father's name?

 

I'm very curious about what their experience with two hyphenated last names has been legally, also. They may use only your name for social purposes, but they still have to mention their second last name when entered anywhere official... how does that tend to work out for them?

[Arabella]

I did ask him. He said he didn't have a reason for dropping his fathers name. He said maybe it was because his brother is only my last name, maybe it was because its my last name then the fathers name and it was easier just to have the first one (I always assumed they would stick more with the very last name)

 

It's nothing against his father.

 

Legally everything is hyphenated, school records, drivers license health and social security cards etc etc. But to he signs without the second last name, he told me his résumé is only my last name, his Facebook is only my last name. He doesn't really associate himself with the second one unless its an official document.

 

Do they have contact with their father? Are you two still together?

 

Since all his legal records are with both names... does he ever find it bothersome, or have issues with clerks and such because of it?

[Arabella]

We are no longer together. We separated a few years ago. He is still in contact and they are very much involved in eachothers lives.

 

No he never and I never had a problem with clerks or anything. Everything has always been easy. I think the fact that so many other people have hyphenated names is the reason.

 

He is only 18 and never looked into legally dropping the name. I doubt he would either. He says it's not against his father, it's just easier to go by the one name.

 

This is helpful!

 

I actually started out with two last names. It got so annoying that I legally hyphenated them. It made things a little simpler, but people couldn't really pronounce one of them (me being Spanish and all). So, when I became an US citizen, I took the chance I was given to legally change my name and took an entirely new middle name, and dropped the unpronounceable name (which was my father's). So, now I go by my mother's name only.

 

Since our two names are easy to pronounce, I suspect that hyphenating will not be nearly as painful for her as it was for me.

 

Should I still add a middle name? Does it serve any purpose in practical terms?

[Els]

Purely personal opinion - I think hyphenated names sound odd when the two names are of completely different origin. It's like... Elswyth Tan-Montgomery. Eh.

 

I would go with the non hyphen personally.

[sweetkiwi]

Purely personal opinion - I think hyphenated names sound odd when the two names are of completely different origin. It's like... Elswyth Tan-Montgomery. Eh.

 

I would go with the non hyphen personally.

 

Yeah I have two last names but one is interpreted as a middle name since it's well, in the middle. I love my name and I love that if I get married I can keep my mother's maiden name.

 

Congrats on the news btw!!! Girls are awesome .

[Arabella]

Purely personal opinion - I think hyphenated names sound odd when the two names are of completely different origin. It's like... Elswyth Tan-Montgomery. Eh.

 

I would go with the non hyphen personally.

 

Oh Elswyth... just when I was leaning towards the hyphen, you just had to come and even things out, didn't ya

 

I agree it looks kind of weird but... does the weirdness overpower the convenience, in your opinion?

 

I'm afraid people are going to assume my name is her middle name, and drop it entirely My SO has a VERY common Chinese last name... so if this happened, it's going to look like she's not my biological daughter at all, specially since I don't share his last name, and probably never will even if we end up getting married! Ugh.

[Arabella]

Yeah I have two last names but one is interpreted as a middle name since it's well, in the middle. I love my name and I love that if I get married I can keep my mother's maiden name.

 

Congrats on the news btw!!! Girls are awesome .

 

Well, this kinda proves my point...

 

I'm thinking if I give her the hyphenated last name and no middle name, it may work better for her in the future. She can choose to take her future husband's name, or hyphenate one of ours with his, and put the other in her middle name (or drop it entirely).

 

Does this logic make sense?

[Balzac]

I get your concern but in American culture the bias is to schooling and that's a community based issue. IF your daughter will be in schools w kids of parents who use hyphenated professional names, easy choice. If most or many kids carry Sur name different from "mom" easy enough.

 

I attended schools in which many non-traditional American names was the rule.

All parents were professionals and many careers were begun prior to marriage or kids. There was still a leaning to attach a mom's name to the kids.

 

It's often what you're trying to accomplish. You've got kid years 0-18 and then beyond. For nearly 18 years it's about their school culture.

[Radu]

Hyphenate it if need be, without the hyphen it will be like a middle name and a girl named Martin will have about the same problems as a boy named Sue.

 

My children's names are hyphenated.

 

Basically my eldest son I was a single mother and gave him only my last name. When I had my next child I didn't want my eldest to be the only one with my last name so I hyphenated our names. I also gave my children middle names. My children all have family middle names it was important to me.

 

Now, even though the names are hyphenated I will say it doesn't matter to my children. Is odd..but they all go by my last name in everything by their choice. Like in fb, it's my last name, they sign my last name etc. I don't know what my grandchildren will be or when my son gets married how that will work. Will it all be my last name then as well?

 

I hyphenated mylastname-dhlastname. It's like his last name has just been dropped in the eyes of my children. Which I found odd. I put it mine-his assuming they would want to go by his last name.

 

Needless to say..my father is super happy..lol. He never had a boy but his last name is still carried on by my two sons.

 

I'm happy that my sister will keep her name after marriage [because of published research work], and will probably hyphenate her kids names ... all the pressure is off me to get married and have kids.

If she decides to not have kids, and i end up with nothing but girls, i'll probably raise a generation of tomboys.

[Arabella]

I don't honestly know where my kid is going to end up going to school (since I will move if my SO and I don't repair our relationship) but both of us are professionals, and that's the reason why I'm never going to take his name and drop mine. There's also a sense of cultural pride involved as well.

 

I considered hyphenating if we end up getting married, but I'm still undecided. If I hyphenate her name, will it look strange for me to do the same later on? Or does it make more sense for me to keep my last name?

 

For example:

 

Mama Martin + Papa Chan = Delia Martin-Chan

 

-or-

 

Mama Martin-Chan + Papa Chan = Delia Martin=Chan

 

Thoughts on this?

[Arabella]

 

If I were you I'd keep your name in there.

 

#1. As you stated being a bi racial child with a Asian last name you want to have something of yourself in there, especially if you won't be taking is name come marriage.

 

#2. You have been having problems with your so...what if you broke up? Don't take that the wrong way, but it would feel even better after not having the child with a totally different last name.

 

Absolutely agree on both counts. These are the reasons why not putting my name at all was never an option I considered.

 

A little girl named Delia Chan is going to be assumed to be Chinese, period. Especially in a community where it's chock-full of Chinese people to begin with. It's going to look weird as hell when her mama turns out to be Ms. Martin. I don't want anybody questioning whether she's my daughter or I'm her babysitter!

 

I'm desperately hoping my genes are powerful enough to make it evident that she is bi-racial, and not just Chinese. My SO's cousin married a white guy, and their child looks completely Chinese

 

-A

Edited August 9, 2013 by Arabella

[Arabella]

 

But you never know. It's not only your genes period it's the genes in that one egg..

 

I feel somewhat encouraged because in our last ultrasound at 12 weeks, the profile left NO doubt that our child had my nose

 

Her father's nose is the typical rounded and small Chinese nose. Mine is big and has the typical European bump. It's SO evident in the ultrasound that even he pointed it out.

 

Small relief, but I'll take it... I hope this means that other parts of me leaked on to her as well

 

Gosh, this makes me realize just how excited I am to meet her... but such a long way to go still!

Edited August 9, 2013 by Arabella

[Arabella]

Lol!! I know it's so exciting.

 

I'm going to bet she will be just beautiful. Little girls are awesome! (Until they are teens)

 

I hope so. For some reason, biracial kids often seem to turn out with the best of both worlds. After her, I'm going to hope my next child is a boy, so he can keep his sister's suitors at bay and give me a break later on! lol

 

It's decided: I will hyphenate her name to prevent mine from getting dropped or assumed to be a middle name. Thank you all for the input

 

-A

[Ursa]

My kids have hyphenated surnames and it's never caused any confusion or been any kind of issue in school or with paperwork. Granted, I do live in an area where hyphenation is fairly common, although it's still the minority choice.

 

My husband had a daughter with a previous gf and they gave her a hyphenated surname as they were unmarried. He and his exgf are now both married to other people, and stepd has siblings in both houses. I chose to hyphenate my son's surname to be a closer reflection of her name, but it also worked great for me since I kept my last name when I married. StepD's sibs at her mom's house also have hyphenated surnames, and in this way StepD shares ONE of her last names with ALL of her siblings, even though the other half of the surname is different from all of them (and the name that is shared obviously switches off between houses). I know she appreciates that visible tie.

 

My stepdaughter and son also both have middle names and this has never been a source of confusion when coupled with their hyphenated surnames. I am personally a big advocate of using middle names, as so many of the people I know end up going by their middle names for personal reasons, or using them as pen names or stage names etc. It's just nice to have that option. Like a previous poster, we also use family names as middles--my stepdaughter's middle name is my husband's grandmother's name and my son's middle name is also my husband's middle name and has belonged to several other men in that family tree. Next kid will have a middle name from my side of the family.

 

I do think that if you do NOT hyphenate AND do not give a middle name, most people will take the double surname as one middle name and one last name. If you used a middle name and two last names, that would probably work better but might still lead to a little confusion simply because it's more common to use a surname as a middle name, or to hyphenate, than to use two surnames. Not unheard of, no, but IMO would require more explaining.

 

There will always be people who don't like the structure of 2 surnames. Oh well. I like that it reflects both sides of a family's heritage, and if my kids decide to cast off one of the names later in life or change both or turn one into a second middle name, whatever, that will be their choice as adults as they navigate their professional and personal lives...but multiple surnames have been handled by tons of double-barreled Brits and all throughout the Latin countries with aplomb, it can't be all that bad.

 

I know you said Delia is just an example and not the actual name, but I like Delia. Just sayin' .

[Arabella]

Fiiiiine... since you guys seem curious...

 

Here are my options so far:

 

Dahlia

Lilah

Ivy

Delia (added just because so many people like it!)

 

Opinions?

 

Feel free to add names that sound and/or look similar

[Silly_Girl]

Well, this kinda proves my point...

 

I'm thinking if I give her the hyphenated last name and no middle name, it may work better for her in the future. She can choose to take her future husband's name, or hyphenate one of ours with his, and put the other in her middle name (or drop it entirely).

 

Does this logic make sense?

 

Not to me, sorry! Expecting her to choose between surnames when she married is tough.

 

I would suggest that if you wanted *one of the* names to live on (through her marriage) then have it as the first of two un-hyphenated surnames.

[Silly_Girl]

I married in the mid-nineties and we both double-barrelled. I wasn't willing to give up my name and it mattered to him that we were Mr & Mrs [same-surname]. So it was the only option.

 

I found it INCREDIBLY annoying to be double-barrelled. Spelling out on the phone, people thinking the first of the names is your forename. And the name being too long for usual 'pop your name here' forms.

 

My son has that surname (I no longer do) and says (I just grilled him!) 'it's okay, it can be a nuisance but at school it's easy to see your name in the list, look for the longest one, and if you've always had it you don't notice that it's annoying'. His names are not long individually, 5+6. Unfortunately the first surname is a boys name so he ends up with people thinking his surname is his full name. Poor kid!

 

Oh and - we're double-barrelling the baby's name, so that there's a common surname between all my children. If they choose to drop one/both, that's totally up to them.

[HokeyReligions]

My opinion only but if I weren't married the baby would have my last name. Especially if a girl. If I loved the dad and he is planning on being a parent I would use his name as her middle name. No hyphen.

 

My other option would be to create a new last name that is part mine and part his. "March" or "Chaten" or somethin like that.

[sweetjasmine]

I have a hyphenated last name and a middle name. Our name situation is a little weird, but it's basically a case of standard Spanish naming. I just have my grandmother's surname in my whole last name instead of my mother's. I don't know why my mom agreed to that.

 

In any case, it causes the occasional bureaucratic headache. The letter under which my records get filed in a filing cabinet is kind of a crapshoot. The bigger problem is that I run out of little squares on those forms with a set number of spaces for letters!

 

Some people don't realize wtf a hyphen is, so they take the second name as being my real last name, and that creates all sorts of confusion. My mom had an issue years ago at the DMV when she went to renew her license. The bureaucrat insisted that her Social Security card and green card listed the first of her two last names as a middle name, so it was put that way on her renewed license. Since they don't spell out middle names on licenses in that state, it came up as just an initial, and she was, "Mom Q. Secondlastname." She was pretty pissed. When she got naturalized, she updated and corrected all her documents to fix it.

 

At the end of the day, it's not really a big deal. It's not that much more trouble than having to spell your last name over and over and over again because no one knows how to spell it. To me, the preservation of family history is worth the occasional hiccup.

 

On getting married, I left my name as is. When we have kids, they'll have my H's last name. I might add my family name as a middle name, but we're undecided on that. I did come up with a kind of silly mash-up of both of our last names that sounds better each time we joke about it, but that's unlikely to ever happen.

[ASG]

I have 2 non hyphenated surnames and no middle name.

Obviously, when I was in my home country, it was no issue, as everyone had the same (maybe with more surnames (you can have up to 4 - 2 from mom, 2 from dad) and a middle name).

 

Then I move to the UK, where the norm is middle name and one surname.

However, I have never had any issues with it.

 

I only use my last surname (my dad's) in everything. Which has been awkward in airports, when I reserve a ticket with only my last surname, but my passport has both and airport people get confused...

 

My first surname has never been confused by a middle name.

 

I wouldn't hyphenate. And if you don't want to give her a middle name, don't. People will adapt. And when filling out forms, leave the middle name empty and put both surnames on the last name field! Done!

[Arabella]

Thanks for all the great feedback, guys!

 

I have ultimately decided to hyphenate because when I had two last names (unhyphenated), I experienced the pain of having the first one interpreted as my middle name.

 

However, it's looking like the father and I might not even be on speaking terms by the time the child is born, so it may not matter at all. If it comes to that, she's getting my last name and nothing more.

[pink_sugar]

My husband and I initially talked about hyphenating last names if we have kids, since I kept my maiden name. However, I prefer two last names IMO.