zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I blog but I talk about love, sex, relationships etc. My bf (33)follows my blog, my personal fb page, my fb fan page, twitter, instagram, etc. I am uneasy about him following me on social media because I know how bad it is for relationships. Im African American and my bf is Caucasian and I feel like we can talk to each other about anything. I told him what kind of porn I watch and what my fantasy was and all was ok until he dropped the bomb on me that the pictures I like on IG is mostly of black men and the porn I watch is black men, and he questions whether I want him or not. He even said thinks that because things didn't work out with me and black guys, I went to plan B which is him because he is such a great guy on paper. Which is not true at all! I told him I am still attracted to black guys and white guys. I have been faithful and never plan on cheating. We have even discussed getting married this time next year. I am tired of the insecurities and I want to help him through this. There have been things in his past with him being fat, and his gf cheating on him, and him not having sex until 19 because girls didnt like him that affects him today. Besides this hiccup all is well, we have a great sex life, we laugh, talk, play. We go out. I told him I was going to block him on IG and Twitter and I did. And FB would be next if he kept it up. Any suggestions on how to handle a person like this?
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 He is asking questions and not holding onto feelings. These are legitimate questions he is asking so be welcoming of them especially if he is doing this in a loving manner and not attacking. You said you too can talk about anything. My thought was why is social media so important to you that you are on nearly every single site known to man? 2
Philosoraptor Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Not much you can do about his insecurity. Seems like you've talked to him and made reassurances, but he can't get past his own mind. You handle him the same way you handle anyone else. You be yourself and don't be ashamed of it. If he accepts you the way you are, great. If not, he's just another person who doesn't need to be apart of your life. You've reassured him of your feelings for him. He will either accept your word or he won't. 1
Turtles Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Following your partner on his/her social network is bad for relationships? Never heard of that. Obviously he's a bit insecure but to an extent you can blame the media in the US for it, they always push the virile black male image. He needs to get over it and be assured that you love him, etc. Doesn't matter who you find hot since you only want to be with him.
Author zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 My thought was why is social media so important to you that you are on nearly every single site known to man? I have a blog that I actively promote on all of these sites. So that's the reason. And I understand where he is coming from. I broke down yesterday because I never thought he would feel that way. I haven't given him reason to feel as though I desire other men because I don't. I let him know that I would not be changing who I am to please him and he would have to accept me or not deal with it.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I have a blog that I actively promote on all of these sites. So that's the reason. And I understand where he is coming from. I broke down yesterday because I never thought he would feel that way. I haven't given him reason to feel as though I desire other men because I don't. I let him know that I would not be changing who I am to please him and he would have to accept me or not deal with it. what is the blog about ??? love, sex and relationships can you share more about it
Babolat Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Tough one here..I get what he is saying and feeling. I am wondering if we are missing something here..like a small detail you may not have shared with us. It feels like retroactive jealousy, but not quite. How long have you dated? When did he first bring this up and why (what was the tirgger, the event)?
Author zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Sure. It's Love, Lust, and all that other stuff!
darkmoon Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I have a blog that I actively promote on all of these sites. So that's the reason. And I understand where he is coming from. I broke down yesterday because I never thought he would feel that way. I haven't given him reason to feel as though I desire other men because I don't. I let him know that I would not be changing who I am to please him and he would have to accept me or not deal with it. "deal with it"...not the greatest option for a (supposed) nearest-and-dearest partner
Author zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Tough one here..I get what he is saying and feeling. I am wondering if we are missing something here..like a small detail you may not have shared with us. It feels like retroactive jealousy, but not quite. How long have you dated? When did he first bring this up and why (what was the tirgger, the event)? Nope that basically it Babolat. It was triggered from me liking someone's pics on IG. A black guy who liked my pic (I support those who support me). So it was triggered by that. Which I deemed as very innocent because this was a kid and who knows where he lives. My bf said after seeing me like a black guys pics that he started thinking about the fantasy I shared with him and his imagination just went wild. He said his insecurity is worse with me compared to other gfs but in his last relationship he went through his gfs FB messages. And he would sometimes feel like she didnt want him either. So it didnt just start with me.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Nope that basically it Babolat. It was triggered from me liking someone's pics on IG. A black guy who liked my pic (I support those who support me). So it was triggered by that. Which I deemed as very innocent because this was a kid and who knows where he lives. My bf said after seeing me like a black guys pics that he started thinking about the fantasy I shared with him and his imagination just went wild. He said his insecurity is worse with me compared to other gfs but in his last relationship he went through his gfs FB messages. And he would sometimes feel like she didnt want him either. So it didnt just start with me. what is the fantasy?
hppr Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 If a guy came on this site and said that he'd banned his girlfriend from his facebook and twitter because she asked too many questions, and that when he showed her pics of his favorite porn stars and the lady friends he talked to online she got all jealous and stuff...people on here would jump down his throat. 2
hppr Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 My bf said after seeing me like a black guys pics that he started thinking about the fantasy I shared with him and his imagination just went wild. I'm gonna take a wild guess that this fantasy is something he can never ever live up to. On one hand you have something real which is your relationship with this guy while on the other hand you have something that doesn't exist in real life, IE liking the pics of other guys on the internet, the porno, whatever. None of that is real it's just a fantasy. Not saying you have to give up your blog and the things you like but you do need to let go of some of those ideas and make your decisions in the real world. Lemme give you a bit of advice (you can quote me on your blog): if you want to keep a man around above all else you have to make him comfortable and secure. Telling a man about fantasies you have that he can never ever live up to doesn't do that, especially if you tell him that these things are important to you and you aren't willing to change them.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I'm gonna take a wild guess that this fantasy is something he can never ever live up to. On one hand you have something real which is your relationship with this guy while on the other hand you have something that doesn't exist in real life, IE liking the pics of other guys on the internet, the porno, whatever. None of that is real it's just a fantasy. Not saying you have to give up your blog and the things you like but you do need to let go of some of those ideas and make your decisions in the real world. Lemme give you a bit of advice (you can quote me on your blog): if you want to keep a man around above all else you have to make him comfortable and secure. Telling a man about fantasies you have that he can never ever live up to doesn't do that, especially if you tell him that these things are important to you and you aren't willing to change them. Agree and telling him basically "deal with it...this is who I am take it or leave it" does not make a man feel secure
Author zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 My bf is a grown man. I told him my fantasy is a bit dirty (mfm) and I woulnt want anyone that I know to be apart of that. Acutally, I cant even see myself doing it EVER. It's just a fantasy. How did this become my fault all of a sudden. I have done nothing wrong. He kept pressuring me to tell him my fantasy and I did. I dont see how me telling my bf about what I like sexually is making him feel insecure. People do it everyday. I have told other men about this fantasy and they brushed it off.
Treasa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 God, so many things to say... "Once you go black, you never go back." That COULD be one thing he's thinking. Imagine if you were completely flat chested and he liked watching porn that was mostly just white, blonde-haired women with big breasts. It's fine if he's not telling you about it, but what you're telling him is making him feel understandably awkward and insecure. Or he could be one of those guys who thinks that black males are better lovers, and is scared of that thought (I've sampled many ethnicities - it has nothing to do with skill, no matter what anyone else says) and that you might grow tired of him. Ok, now all that being said, you are NOT responsible for his self-esteem and happiness. Being kind and not saying things you know would be hurtful is one thing, but walking around on eggshells and coddling him is quite another. You guys might need more discussions about this. ~Signed, A white girl who just had sex with her black partner a couple of days ago
Author zanesfan Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 He asked me what type of porn I watched and I told him. It wasn't like I just said, "baby guess what?" He does watch BW/WM and I watch BM/WW strangely. I will be more considerate of his feelings but I cannot walk on eggshells. He is a great lover and I have told him time and time again how freaking awesome he is in the bedroom.
Treasa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 He asked me what type of porn I watched and I told him. It wasn't like I just said, "baby guess what?" He does watch BW/WM and I watch BM/WW strangely. I will be more considerate of his feelings but I cannot walk on eggshells. He is a great lover and I have told him time and time again how freaking awesome he is in the bedroom. Next time say you watch all kinds. It's just easier that way. And then ask him to select some porn for you both to watch, and then next time YOU select some porn to watch, and mix it up. That way you'll keep his little winkie from getting in a bind.
DannyMason Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 If you're tired of being an informal therapist, encourage him to get professional counseling about his self esteem problems. ...not having sex until 19 because girls didnt like him that affects him today. I don't know how this makes me feel. My thought was why is social media so important to you that you are on nearly every single site known to man? Ya hear that, Zanesfan? Get off of Jphcbpa's lawn! I told him my fantasy is a bit dirty (mfm) and I woulnt want anyone that I know to be apart of that. Acutally, I cant even see myself doing it EVER. It's just a fantasy. How did this become my fault all of a sudden. I have done nothing wrong. He kept pressuring me to tell him my fantasy and I did. This is actually pretty tame.
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