Was dating someone, they wanted space...now..

[GlassesSeventy]

I'd left it a week after our last contact, and then I sent her a message saying that I missed her, wanted to try starting again etc. Nothing needy or heavy, just exactly that.

 

Her reply was:

 

"Sometimes you need to learn to let something go and see if it makes it's way back into your life. If I haven't done so already, it's because I don't feel that way or I am not ready right now" - What does this mean?

 

Sounds straightforward, but I'm kind of confused - mostly because she used the word "or" - she hasn't really made it clear. (Or maybe she has, and I'm just being stupid?)

 

We had a deep connection, and she herself said that she has never felt that way before with anyone - I would really like to build on that, but I don't know what to do next.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated

[Philosoraptor]

Either way she has made it clear that there is nothing going to happen between the two of you right now. The "or" may have been her way of trying to spare your feelings or may actually be that she's not ready right now... either way nothing is going to happen right now so don't wait around for a maybe.

 

Just go about your life and continue meeting people. If you cross paths again, great. If not, you'll find someone else who interests you.

[JDPT]

I view that as a very mature response and I would take it to heart. I think you have a clear concept of what she means, she simply isn't ready to commit to a relationship and does not want you waiting around. Many meaningful things are said during a relationship such as "forever, will never leave you, you are it" and so on, we can't hold those statements hostage, and believe that our exes should stick by them no matter what. It's time to start thinking about yourself because she is clearly thinking about herself only. It's time to move on and embark on your recovery journey, you will have many ups and downs, good and bad days, but the difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude.

[GlassesSeventy]

I view that as a very mature response and I would take it to heart. I think you have a clear concept of what she means, she simply isn't ready to commit to a relationship and does not want you waiting around. Many meaningful things are said during a relationship such as "forever, will never leave you, you are it" and so on, we can't hold those statements hostage, and believe that our exes should stick by them no matter what. It's time to start thinking about yourself because she is clearly thinking about herself only. It's time to move on and embark on your recovery journey, you will have many ups and downs, good and bad days, but the difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude.

 

I agree with your statement. I believe that things said are only meant at that exact moment.

 

I have started my recovery journey, of course there will be ups and downs. I don't expect that she will return.

 

Everything was fine up until we slept together - that was basically when she ran scared. Started acting distant, cold. Said it was too much.

 

We were (or seemed to be) on the exact same wavelength in terms of life experiences, values, etc. I know these forums are FULL of people saying the exact same things, but I haven't had the best luck in love, and genuinely thought this might have been some happiness, at last.

 

I know it's life, but it just...I keep hoping that she'll remember how it felt and come back to me, but it's more likely that she won't.

[Lei Ping]

I agree with your statement. I believe that things said are only meant at that exact moment.

 

I have started my recovery journey, of course there will be ups and downs. I don't expect that she will return.

 

Everything was fine up until we slept together - that was basically when she ran scared. Started acting distant, cold. Said it was too much.

 

We were (or seemed to be) on the exact same wavelength in terms of life experiences, values, etc. I know these forums are FULL of people saying the exact same things, but I haven't had the best luck in love, and genuinely thought this might have been some happiness, at last.

 

I know it's life, but it just...I keep hoping that she'll remember how it felt and come back to me, but it's more likely that she won't.

 

She ran away scared? Are you sure that she didn't run away underwhelmed?

 

"Everything was going fine until..." means that you passed the 1st test. Having closed the deal she was probably expecting something she didn't get from you on the second test.

 

Running away (physically and emotionally) after just one sexual encounter meant that either the sex was so horrible that she felt dirty afterwards (dirty Sanchez/ rusty trombone) or it just didn't meet her expectations after which you'll usually get at least one more shot to prove your value unless you only passes the 1st test with a C- and she was giving you a chance to pick up some extra credit.

 

Sorry, she's not the one for you. Keep fighting the good fight, the right fit is out there somewhere.

[GlassesSeventy]

She ran away scared? Are you sure that she didn't run away underwhelmed?

 

"Everything was going fine until..." means that you passed the 1st test. Having closed the deal she was probably expecting something she didn't get from you on the second test.

 

Running away (physically and emotionally) after just one sexual encounter meant that either the sex was so horrible that she felt dirty afterwards (dirty Sanchez/ rusty trombone) or it just didn't meet her expectations after which you'll usually get at least one more shot to prove your value unless you only passes the 1st test with a C- and she was giving you a chance to pick up some extra credit.

 

Sorry, she's not the one for you. Keep fighting the good fight, the right fit is out there somewhere.

 

I don't think it was to do with the sex...or maybe it was. But she just kept saying that it felt too "heavy" and "not right".

 

Just been on her FB and she's out having cocktails and looking like she's having immense fun. While I feel like rubbish.

[GlassesSeventy]

Been a few days since I last posted...

 

I just can't seem to get that "not ready right now" comment out of my head.. half of me is moving on, and the other half is...well, waiting. I'm still full NC, but the more time that goes by, the more anxious I feel. As in, the less she'll think about me (if she even is, at all), and therefore the less she will think about me, in turn the less likely it is she will contact me.

 

She used to talk a lot about how I had all the qualities that she desired in a partner, she was a big believer in this whole Law of Attraction thing (I'm not) and how I fit exactly what she had asked for. Ugh...I don't even know. I sound so pathetic, right now. I would never tell anyone how I feel, these forums are the only place that I come to to vent and let this out.

 

I'm doing everything I can to move on - bar dating. I go out a few times a day, I immerse myself in everything but I still miss her, and I know it's typical, but I hope she misses me, too - even though she clearly doesn't.

 

After things went wrong, she just kept talking about space, space, space. She's never said anything like "I don't feel the same" or "It's over" - that's probably why I'm still hoping. her last message was pretty much the same thing. I won't message her, I don't want to look pathetic or needy - I don't want her to know where I'm at in terms of feelings. I don't want her having any advantage over me.

 

I would like to message her, but there'll be only two outcomes... she won't reply in the way I desire, or she won't reply at all. So I won't be doing that.

 

I'm not posting here for any miracle answers, I guess I just needed to vent.

[JDPT]

It's imperative that you start working on letting go off hope. What helped me realize that pandora's box was out the door, and perhaps I can thank my ex for this, was when a while ago I send her a text not pouring my heart out, not begging, but more of an objective message acknowledging what occurred and that I was willing to work things out if she was. Do you know what I got in returned? absolutely nothing. Surprisingly it did not hurt me at all as I was not expecting her to reply and quiet honestly my approach was halfhearted as I did not know if I really wanted her back. Now, I'm not encouraging for you to do the same but in retrospect I wish I could have done it differently and not lose my dignity in the process. Find peace and forgiveness, you need to do this yourself. Forgive her for all the pain she has/is causing your and forgive yourself for the decisions you have made. It's also critical that you vent your emotions, talk to friends (who you can trust) family members, specially family members, they will really listen to you and provide objective criticism. Start acknowledging that she is gone forever and there is no going back only forward.

[GlassesSeventy]

It's imperative that you start working on letting go off hope. What helped me realize that pandora's box was out the door, and perhaps I can thank my ex for this, was when a while ago I send her a text not pouring my heart out, not begging, but more of an objective message acknowledging what occurred and that I was willing to work things out if she was. Do you know what I got in returned? absolutely nothing. Surprisingly it did not hurt me at all as I was not expecting her to reply and quiet honestly my approach was halfhearted as I did not know if I really wanted her back. Now, I'm not encouraging for you to do the same but in retrospect I wish I could have done it differently and not lose my dignity in the process. Find peace and forgiveness, you need to do this yourself. Forgive her for all the pain she has/is causing your and forgive yourself for the decisions you have made. It's also critical that you vent your emotions, talk to friends (who you can trust) family members, specially family members, they will really listen to you and provide objective criticism. Start acknowledging that she is gone forever and there is no going back only forward.

 

This is exactly what happened to me - that was when I got the "not ready right now" message.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, also. What you're saying really does make sense - it's all about forgiveness and letting go of the past...

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

It's imperative that you start working on letting go off hope. What helped me realize that pandora's box was out the door, and perhaps I can thank my ex for this, was when a while ago I send her a text not pouring my heart out, not begging, but more of an objective message acknowledging what occurred and that I was willing to work things out if she was. Do you know what I got in returned? absolutely nothing. Surprisingly it did not hurt me at all as I was not expecting her to reply and quiet honestly my approach was halfhearted as I did not know if I really wanted her back. Now, I'm not encouraging for you to do the same but in retrospect I wish I could have done it differently and not lose my dignity in the process. Find peace and forgiveness, you need to do this yourself. Forgive her for all the pain she has/is causing your and forgive yourself for the decisions you have made. It's also critical that you vent your emotions, talk to friends (who you can trust) family members, specially family members, they will really listen to you and provide objective criticism. Start acknowledging that she is gone forever and there is no going back only forward.

 

Beautifully said. I would only add....you do not have to LIKE doing all the above. You just have to "do it". Through anger, sadness, gritted teeth if you prefer. Just do it....if she is MEANT to be yours, she will return. If not....just know that the universe DOES have the right woman for you....the right man for me...and us all.

 

Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. You are like us all, meant to experience loss in this life. How you handle it is what defines you and makes you ready for the next love. xo

[dgiirl]

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

I haven't read your backstory, so I'm not sure how long you were dating, but when a woman says she needs her space, especially after sex, is it possible that you were ( or she precieved) more invested in this relationship than she was prepared to be? There is a delicate dance between wanting each other but not too much too soon, each progressing to the next level at the same pace, but if one advances too quickly, the other feels pulled beyond their comfort zone and wants to let go in the other direction.

 

I liked her first sentence which makes me believe she truly does want her space. The second sentence makes no sense to me.

 

I would let her go, give up hope, and start working on yourself. You need to build up your self confidence or there is no way she is coming back. No one wants to be with a needy or desperate partner, neither her nor any other future relationship. The sooner you work on yourself the better you will be irregardless of what the future holds!

 

Stay strong

[Tayla]

She was playing the melody of " If you love something , set it free, if it comes back it was yours". Its rather Lame and so untrue for genuine relations. It boggles my mind that some folks actually believe that melody. So I agree that she is letting you go per se and in the process leaving that mixed bag of mush to decipher. Best way to decipher it is...toss it out. Its not true, plain and simple.

You are best able to move forward once you realize that you are valuable to yourself and the person waiting in the future for you.

[GlassesSeventy]

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

I haven't read your backstory, so I'm not sure how long you were dating, but when a woman says she needs her space, especially after sex, is it possible that you were ( or she precieved) more invested in this relationship than she was prepared to be? There is a delicate dance between wanting each other but not too much too soon, each progressing to the next level at the same pace, but if one advances too quickly, the other feels pulled beyond their comfort zone and wants to let go in the other direction.

 

I liked her first sentence which makes me believe she truly does want her space. The second sentence makes no sense to me.

 

I would let her go, give up hope, and start working on yourself. You need to build up your self confidence or there is no way she is coming back. No one wants to be with a needy or desperate partner, neither her nor any other future relationship. The sooner you work on yourself the better you will be irregardless of what the future holds!

 

Stay strong

 

Me either.

 

We knew each other for a month, so not a very long time - we met online, and as clichéd as it sounds, we had a deep connection. We had so many things in common, our values and beliefs were exactly the same. Our mothers even passed away in the same month, and we've both been cheated on such were the similarities. We talked night and day.

 

I may just add - while she was with me at my house, she mentioned a conversation she had with a friend where she had been talking about me. The friend then said to her "...and then you will put your running shoes on!" which suggested that she has a habit of running away - she told me that yes, this is what she does.

 

Of course, I will move on - I don't intend to sit and look at my phone. I do suffer from mild anxiety which does cause obsessive thoughts and worries. I do take comfort in the fact that she said to me, after I said I was worried she'd forget me, "have you ever forgotten anyone that quickly? Have you ever forgotten anyone?" - I don't know. I don't have any other choice but to move on.

 

I take comfort in the kind words I've been offered on here - yes, if it's meant to be she'll come back..if not, she won't. There'll be others.

[GlassesSeventy]

She was playing the melody of " If you love something , set it free, if it comes back it was yours". Its rather Lame and so untrue for genuine relations. It boggles my mind that some folks actually believe that melody. So I agree that she is letting you go per se and in the process leaving that mixed bag of mush to decipher. Best way to decipher it is...toss it out. Its not true, plain and simple.

You are best able to move forward once you realize that you are valuable to yourself and the person waiting in the future for you.

 

Same. But yes, thank you. There probably is someone waiting in my future...

[GlassesSeventy]

Tonight's events were interesting, to say the least.

 

She messaged a good friend of mine, on this dating website. All flirty, and whatnot. He of course called me straight away, and it turned into a Catfish-style operation.

 

Basically, there is no mention of any guy she might be seeing. She seemed very keen to get to know my friend, with lots of flirting and "we'll see" type comments. They exchanged emails, which was my suggestion. It then got a bit much for me, and I told my friend to tell her he was in a relationship, and that it couldn't really go anywhere.

 

I feel quite sick, tbh. Sick, angry, hurt. I've sent her a message asking her if we could talk (bad move, I know - please don't have a go at me) but apparently her phone's died, which she mentioned in that conversation.

 

I'm not going to reveal that I know anything about that conversation, but it has hurt me quite deeply. I'm a sensitive guy, and I don't go around talking to hundreds of women for the hell of it. It took me seven months to get over my ex, only for this one to walk into my life and mess me up even more.

 

I really want to tell her how hurt I'm feeling, but I don't think she will even bat an eyelid.

[Simon Phoenix]

Tonight's events were interesting, to say the least.

 

She messaged a good friend of mine, on this dating website. All flirty, and whatnot. He of course called me straight away, and it turned into a Catfish-style operation.

 

Basically, there is no mention of any guy she might be seeing. She seemed very keen to get to know my friend, with lots of flirting and "we'll see" type comments. They exchanged emails, which was my suggestion. It then got a bit much for me, and I told my friend to tell her he was in a relationship, and that it couldn't really go anywhere.

 

I feel quite sick, tbh. Sick, angry, hurt. I've sent her a message asking her if we could talk (bad move, I know - please don't have a go at me) but apparently her phone's died, which she mentioned in that conversation.

 

I'm not going to reveal that I know anything about that conversation, but it has hurt me quite deeply. I'm a sensitive guy, and I don't go around talking to hundreds of women for the hell of it. It took me seven months to get over my ex, only for this one to walk into my life and mess me up even more.

 

I really want to tell her how hurt I'm feeling, but I don't think she will even bat an eyelid.

 

I wouldn't waste your breath on that. Just dust yourself off and move forward.

[JDPT]

It really doesn't matter who she talks to, who she flirts with or who she sleeps with at this point. And you said it texting her was a terrible move on your behalf, however, live and learn. I think we have suggested several times to NOT contact her at all, and as I've said in the past if you don't want to get burned don't stick your hand in fire. Additionally, she is "flirting" with other guys, now ask yourself a questions do you honestly think she will care about how you fee? be strong man, we all have our weak moments, post here when you get the urge to contact her.

[Country_Girl]

Your only chance to reconsile now is to fall off the map...

 

And I mean COMPLETELY. Not even a "check in" text to see how she's doing. Remove her from Facebook. Any contact will turn her off, as she's already gone dim. You do No Contact for 2 reasons. Number 1 being you. You've made this girl priority, it's time to make yourself number 1 in your life. The other reason being, she wants space, give her plenty of it (and then some). She wants to see how life is without you, then it's time to make that a reality for her.

 

Chances are, you give her the space, and after a few months she'll come knocking wondering where in the heck her security blanket (you) went. If you've successfully implemented no contact, by the time that happens, you probably won't want her back anyway.

[GlassesSeventy]

Your only chance to reconsile now is to fall off the map...

 

And I mean COMPLETELY. Not even a "check in" text to see how she's doing. Remove her from Facebook. Any contact will turn her off, as she's already gone dim. You do No Contact for 2 reasons. Number 1 being you. You've made this girl priority, it's time to make yourself number 1 in your life. The other reason being, she wants space, give her plenty of it (and then some). She wants to see how life is without you, then it's time to make that a reality for her.

 

Chances are, you give her the space, and after a few months she'll come knocking wondering where in the heck her security blanket (you) went. If you've successfully implemented no contact, by the time that happens, you probably won't want her back anyway.

 

I don't want her back, now. She's hurt me far too much. I sent her a "could we talk" message but her phone's off, and now I regret it. I do need to make myself number 1, this is correct. I trust people and their intentions far too much.

[JDPT]

I commend you for realizing that you do not want your ex back. Relationships are like broken glass, sometimes is best to leave it alone than hurt yourself trying to put it together. Let go off her and let go off the pain she has caused you, find forgiveness and peace within yourself.

[GlassesSeventy]

I commend you for realizing that you do not want your ex back. Relationships are like broken glass, sometimes is best to leave it alone than hurt yourself trying to put it together. Let go off her and let go off the pain she has caused you, find forgiveness and peace within yourself.

 

Hey, thanks a lot. I'm dreading that message going through, now - I don't have anything to say to her, and I don't want her thinking I want to talk to her or care - I don't think I do. Ugh!

[JDPT]

Look out for yourself and you only, she is no longer part of your world, irrelevant, nonexistent. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel as cliché as that may sound.

[TrblinMN]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. There is no real way of figuring out what she is thinking and you can drive yourself crazy. Basically she doesn't want a relationship and took an easy way out without being adult about it,

[GlassesSeventy]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. There is no real way of figuring out what she is thinking and you can drive yourself crazy. Basically she doesn't want a relationship and took an easy way out without being adult about it,

 

 

Which she is entitled to feel - but the way she went about was wrong, IMO.

 

Thanks for your message, also.

[TrblinMN]

I agree with you...she went about it the wrong way. My ex did it in a frustrating way as well. Your experience got me the courage to start my own thread because it's a terrible way to go about breakups.