KS11 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I kinda thought i wouldn't be back, but as I probably should have expected..im in the same position again. Long story short, I've know this girl for just over three years. We were really close friends for most of that. But I developed stronger feelings for her after about 6 months..didnt tell her straight away, but did eventually. Her reaction at first was that she wasnt sure. She knew she felt something but wasnt sure what it was.. Fast forward..after several episodes of going nc because it was both dragging us down. She calls me up to meet, and says she cant not have me in her life, and we end up kissing, with her saying that she wants to make a go of it. That was before Christmas. Since then, we've gone through various stages of giving it a go and trying nc again. But have both said that neither of us can move on, but also that whenever we do try, she finds it really awkward. Things were a lot better up till about a month ago. She said she needed more time to think about what she wants. So for the last few weeks i've just been trying to act like everythings fine, and not push her in to anything. But now shes become more distant. I just don't know how to handle the situation...i love this girl more than anything, but its killing me. I feel like im at her disposal, like at any point she could just turn round and say...well ive decided, i dont want you anymore. I really want to just get it out in the open, and talk about it. If shes had enough then fine, but i need to know. Maybe im just scared of the answer...help!
Philosoraptor Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Set some boundaries here. Let her know that right now you need an answer. Right now you either give it a go or you need to cut contact until you lose all romantic feelings for her, then possibly you could return to a friendship.
Balzac Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 A woman who is ambivalent about her feelings 8+ months into it is unreliable. She's immature, lacks personal commitment or likes you but unable to commit. Whatever her words are telling you, this sounds like a man-up situation. How long are you going to compromise your values?
Author KS11 Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I know....thats what i dont understand about myself...i tell myself daily, I deserve better than this, but i can't seem to stamp out the lingering hope. The problem is, at the moment, she's gone back home for a few weeks..and i've offered to go down, because obviously I want to see her, but also because it would give us a chance to speak face to face. But she was just said she'll back up where i live soon. I really dont want to have the conversation over the phone, and especially not by text, but I also dont think i can go on like it is. So i duno what my options are? to wait till shes back?
VanCal Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Buddy i just went through a similar situation your going through now..it's stressful im sure, always not knowing what she is feeling for you.. I agree with the above comments, she is likely not that into you enough to commit, and it will be an uphill battle. she has asked you for time right? 8 months is more than enough time! you should distance yourself not ignore her but just not be at her disposal. But there is one thing you have to ask yourself first and have to look really hard, are you being too needy or smothering? if you are that's why she could be unsure.. My ex wasn't sure for 6 months, i tell you this if you talk to her about this and demand an answer right now, give her an ultimatum (like i did) it will likely not go well and probably push her away if you feel like you have been working too hard and she is not making an effort that's because you probably have been working TOO hard! lol With my case it was more because ill liked her more than she liked me and that really bothered her. so if it is a case of being too needy, then you have to relax! and not push anything on her for awhile, changes don't happen over night or in weeks. you have to show consistency and believe me i thought i wasn't pushing either but sometimes we just don't know how tight were holding on. not sure if your always talking to her every day or always calling her and being too sweet? if you are, you have to tone that stuff down! balance out the relationship let her initiate most things.
Author KS11 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 im supposed to be meeting up with my 'ex' (i think thats probably the easiest way to describe her), next week. We've or she's, to be more precise, decided a few weeks ago she needs to decide what she wants...again. Anyway..we've been speaking over that time, and naturally the elephant in the room has been building and building. I've tried real hard to just be normal, but its pretty tough having to deal with the fact that the person you love is firstly, having to think about what they want, and secondly that at any point they could turn around and say..'i'm done'. So things have been going steadily downhill, it might have been just my own insecurities, but i felt they have. This evening I just had had enough and asked her what was going on etc. Ended up having a big argument. She never seems to be able to see my perspective! Anyway..so I was wondering, as im pretty sure what the outcome of the meet will be next week, what peoples opinions are on how I should handle it? Whether to gracefully accept her decision...or vent all the stuff i've been dying to say. I feel ive held back on a lot of things that have bugged me, particularly about some of the ways shes treated me. Im just trying to think about the aftermath, by me saying all that stuff, is that a better way to get closure? Strangely, at the moment, I feel ok, considering im pretty sure this time next week I'd have lost the girl i love. But yeh, how should I handle it?
Hoaks Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 If it does go bad for you, I would get everything you need to say out there. You may not get another opportunity to do it after you meet. And you will be left with all that inside you still. It's not a great feeling, so much I wanted to say to my ex and I never got to. It's eating me up inside. But good luck to you, I hope you guys sort it out and move forward
jenn78 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 say what you need to say. don't do it maliciously. I let my ex tell me everything he didn't like about me while he decided if he wanted to date me... he did plenty of things wrong and i never said any of them... until i snapped and sent a few mean text messages that I wish i hadn't sent but said them in a better way earlier on.
Author KS11 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Thanks for your replies guys. Woken up this morning feeling pretty awful. Just thinking about that argument last night, and some of the things that were said is driving me mad. I can't understand how she doesn't see what it must be like for me to have this uncertainty hanging over me. I just want to get it sorted, i've offered so many times to go down and see her (she's gone back to her family home for a few weeks), then last night when i said that, she replies 'Yes, you have. But have you?'. To which I took to mean her implying, theyre just words, you havent actually done it yet. So, I said, fine..im coming down on Thursday. Then I get several messages saying, don't go come down etc etc. Its just so confusing. It hurts, because obviously if her decision, that she's waiting to tell me, was let's give this a proper go. She wouldn't not want to see me. But because of her reluctance, im thinking shes just extending me the courtesy of doing it to my face. Which is just a horrible place to be, its like i'm awaiting some sort of sentence. I don't know what I should do in the meantime, whether I carry on talking like normal? Or just not speak until she's back. Im pretty sure she's not going to speak to me anyway, which I guess just confirms it. Ah this is such a fu*ked up situation.
Author KS11 Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Sorry to be posting again. I'm just really struggling to deal with this. After the argument the other night, the next day I found out I had a big interview, so naturally I told her..and just tried to keep things light. We spoke for a bit, sent her a message later which she did/still hasnt replied too. The interview is this morning, and was thinking she'd send a good luck message like always..nothing. I don't get why she's in no hurry to sort this situation out. Its so obvious that her decision is going to be that she no longer wants to be with me, and its killing me that she can't see how its affecting me. Surely she must realise that, of course i'm going to assume the worst if she's becoming more and more distant? I really want to just call her up and be like...just put me out of my misery. But then theres this totally irrational thought that if i can just wait a little longer till shes back in town and have the talk face to face I might somehow be able to make her see otherwise...f*ck even typing that just sounds ridiculous. What are my other options then? To just ignore her when she eventually asks to meet and go nc now? This is destroying me again. I promise myself time and time again i wouldn't get sucked back in and her i am.
cavalier99 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) Dude I know this is tough but your going to have to man up. You should just call her up. tell her that you feel like she has treated you like sh*t and that your done and not to call you again EVER. Then go hard core NC. No question and answer session..NOTHING. At this point she is the only one that should be showing up begging for her callous behavior and I wouldnt even take her back if she begged. No more waiting on her like a princess. she doesnt deserve it. For all you know she is banging some other guy where she is right now. Sorry bro. It gets better but you need to stop this game. it will consume you. Cav Edited August 16, 2013 by cavalier99
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