Sum12Luv Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Hey all! I'm a 25 year old female and I met a really laid back 24 year old guy on an internet dating site. We had gone back and forth on emails & then finally, texts. We met for the 1st time recently and we enjoyed boba drinks. The date wasn't akward at all. However, I was miffed that he wanted me to pick him up. Said guy wants to go on another date but I'm debating on going for the 2nd. Almost all is cool with us but I had asked him when was he going to get a vehicle & he said, "Within 2 week to a month". Also, I was a little annoyed after the 1st date because his phone got turned off & the only method of communications was through emails & his friend's phone. Should I stop having high standards or should I let the guy go? If I were to let him go, what should I say? Thank you, loveshack community. Edited August 9, 2013 by Sum12Luv
white Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 If you'd dump a guy dating for not having a car, you should probably go ahead and do it. It is a bit of a liberty asking you to pick him up, but apart from that is it really a big deal? Think of the money he saves. And if he says he'll get one, you could give him the time to do so. My understanding of urban life today is it's normal not to have one. Are you inner city?
Author Sum12Luv Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 By inner city...do you mean geographically wise or demographics. He lives 30 minutes from me. I live in the greater Las Vegas area.
white Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 30 mins is the upper limit of how far I'd go to date I suppose. Still, even if he had one, someone's got to drive unless you always meet in the middle. I have no idea what life is like in Vegas or indeed in urban America. Here in provincial England there'd be buses from basically anywhere, or trains. I drive because I have to to work. My sister and her partner in London don't at all. Theoretically if I tried dating someone on the southern fringes of London who didn't need to drive I could do it in 45 minutes by car, but I'd take a train in. Think of the opportunity for awesome dates when I get there though. It must be pretty sweet dating in Las Vegas. Anyway. In my early twenties I spent 6 months commuting to the Welsh coast weekly for my insane girlfriend. That's a 4 hour drive. But she did also come to me sometimes. I wouldn't do that now. Make it clear you can't shuttle his ass around forever, it's about mutual respect. If he doesn't make progress on his own transport in a reasonable timeframe, tell him why that's a problem and break it off. Not unreasonable, eminently practical in fact. As regards the phone thing, which I missed before, so he turned it off right after and made you call his friend? That's weird. But if you can still get hold of him, give him the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like this guy is maybe a little too laid back.
Author Sum12Luv Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 The dating life is ok here. Most people that come here are transient though & get homesick & return home(it seems). We have bus systems here but i would imagine if the guy I am talking to would have to take several buses. That was one of the prime motivators for me getting a new vehicle after bumming rides for 4 days. My old car was also on his last leg & was emitting smog. To answer the phone question, I attempted to text him after the 1st date & I saw no response back. The guy called me from his friend's phone(a private number) and I was put off by it. I put it aside though & emailed him. They both seem like the only avenues of communication with him at this moment. Thanks for your advise.
Calcmag Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 The phone thing is more of a red flag/potential problem in my opinion, than the lack of vehicle. I'm not sure why his phone got turned off? As for the car - for the next date suggest a place that is half way for both of you and do NOT offer to pick him up. If he doesn't have a car he knows it's his own responsibility to get where he wants to be. 2
365daysgone Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 The phone thing is more of a red flag/potential problem in my opinion, than the lack of vehicle. I'm not sure why his phone got turned off? As for the car - for the next date suggest a place that is half way for both of you and do NOT offer to pick him up. If he doesn't have a car he knows it's his own responsibility to get where he wants to be. But yet it is always the guys responsibility to buy the girl things and pick them up? The phone thing worries me more. The car just makes him look pathetic but I wouldn't stop seeing him after one date because of this. Does he live on his own??
Author Sum12Luv Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 He says he lives on his own(apartments) but I only picked him up in front of the rental office. So, I didn't get to visit his place yet.
nescafe1982 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Yeah, I would be more turned off by his phone being disconnected than by his lack of a car. But then, I'm in Boston... no one has a car here. But if money is a perennial issue for him, you're going to have to deal with it early and often. You will likely have to be the driver, pick up the check a bit more than usual, etc. There's nothing wrong with being a broke guy... and if he's got plenty of redeeming qualities otherwise, not having money may be a minor inconvenience. BUT if he's not paying his bills, not making major purchases (like a car), and his utilities are being cut off because he's 1) immature, 2) irresponsible, or 3) unemployed, then you just might want to rethink dating him. Those kinds of qualities are going to make him a crappy person to date in a very global sense.
Author Sum12Luv Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Well, I took all the advice and jumbled it into an email for him. I told him he is a cool guy I would like to get to know more and then I said that we should postpone the date until he gets things in order. I got no kind of response for the past 4 hours. I failed again.
white Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 That's OK. Some people have unreasonable standards regarding the opposite sex that leaves them perpetually dating and disappointed while their contemporaries live in the real world with an imperfect but loveable partner. Not having a car for a half hour journey date, and turning off your phone after, are not unreasonable standards, and you know this because your contemporaries wouldn't like it either. That you picked him up for the first date is a lot more patient than I'd expect of someone else. Maybe he'll get his friend to email you back because his is turned off.
henderson14 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 He was broke anyways. No car. Phone disconnected. He's poor!
FitChick Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I wonder if he is couch surfing. Goes from one place to another, freeloading. He might have suddenly "fallen in love" with you and moved in right away. You dodged a bullet. 2
vin1987 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I wonder if he is hiding something vs being broke. No phone and car, but you picked him up somewhere other than his place of living. If I was in your position I would forget about it, but I do know that curiosity could get the best of us 1
amaysngrace Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 How come his phone got shut off if he's supposedly saving for a car? Couldn't he just have tapped that fund to pay his bill? I think you made the right call. He sounds like he isn't very responsible OR honest.
Calcmag Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 But yet it is always the guys responsibility to buy the girl things and pick them up? The phone thing worries me more. The car just makes him look pathetic but I wouldn't stop seeing him after one date because of this. Does he live on his own?? Where did I say he should buy her things? And nor did I say he should have to pick her up. They hardly know each other. It's much safer for them to meet somewhere half way for both. I dont care if he has a car or not, but until they're dating exclusively he should be a responsible adult and find his own way to the date location... As I said, the phone is the red flag here - nothing to do with him being poor. It just seems weird. And OPs follow up post just confirms what I thought was weird.
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