LizardNoyce Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Hi guys, So my boyfriend and his mom are extremely close. They talk on the phone at lease 3 times a day, they share hobbies and everything else. He's always asking her for advice and it seems like a normal, healthy relationship to me. He is freshly 20 years old and I'm 21, and we've been dating for 3 years now. I'm not the type to be threatened by relationships regarding family females because that's just ridiculous. I've always had a good relatonship with his mom as well but lately I feel a little hostile towards her. I have no idea why, but I feel like I'm resenting the fact that he's such a mommas boy. We've talked and talked and talked about our future together: getting our own place, marriage all that good stuff. I know he's scared to move in with me; money is always the issue but to me it's because he doesn't want to move away from his mom. He doesn't understand that I want privacy between us so that when we argue she's not always getting in the middle of it, giving her two cents worth all the time. Her advice always comes first and I just get so irritated by her a lot.. I don't want these issues to interfere when we have our own place, are married and even have kids because I feel like we'd never get away from her. How do I ask him to have boundaries without upsetting him please help??
iKING Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 No matter how you approach this it's likely to upset him. Eventually he's going to have to let go of his mom and live his own life. If you intend to stay with him, and are bothered by his dependence on her, you're going to have to ease him in the direction of independence.
Author LizardNoyce Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I think for now all I can be is patient but that's wearing sooo thin because we've been together so long. It's hard sometimes fit me to keep my cool around her because everything she says gets way under my skin. Idk what to do or where to go from here. How do I ease him into it??
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I'm telling you now, with all the conviction and experience of a 57-year-old grandma: This relationship is not going to last. I hate to be the downer in all of this, but the matter is actually a massive issue. He's a 'Momma's Boy' and you will never, ever, EVER be able to compete, come first or have ultimate priority. This will drive a wedge between you and sadly, neither he nor you have the emotional maturity or adequate brain development to deal with this objectively. (see the link. I'm not being bitchy, it's a fact.) I used to go out with a 'Momma's Boy' many years ago. Disaster. doomed to failure. You've known this for a long time, and yet you only seek definitive remedy, now. Too late. It's cemented into his psyche, and she will never let go. And sadly, neither will he. 5
Kaidee Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 My boyfriend was super close with his mom like that too, turned out it was because she was clinging to him. It honestly didn't take much for him to want to separate our relationship from her, he didn't want to make me uncomfortable and he definitely didn't want to be a mama's boy. Everybody's different. You can try gently nudging him in the direction of more autonomy for you two, and if that doesn't work then tell him exactly how you feel. 1
iKING Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Tara's words may be harsh sometimes, but there's truth to it. I am not such a cut and dry person on the other hand. It's insanity, but I try to give people a fair chance regardless of patterns I've noticed. Your options are to lay it on the table, try to ease him in the right direction, or move on. 1
Author LizardNoyce Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Wait so what you guys are saying is there's no solving this? It's either a hit or miss...? I didn't realize its so set in stone. I've been mentioning moving out together, living out of state one day, traveling, for the past year or so now. He says he wants to move out it needs to be 100% right. And the living out of state? No, his mom wants to give him her house so he eventually wants to live the rest of his life there. It's unnerving really but what can I say? I called him a mommas boy once and he got so pissed that we fought for half an hour. I feel sometimes I'm at a dead end already.
iKING Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 To Tara, yes. To me, no. You're getting a variety of opinions on the matter, and you have at least a few options. Go with what feels right to you, ultimately It's your decision and your life.
MissBee Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) The dynamic can change, only if HE sees it as a problem and chooses to change how they relate. If he doesn't see it as a problem, he won't change and he'll just see you as unreasonable and will fight with you...as he's been doing. A friend of mine had a relationship like that with his mom and it wasn't until he broke up with his gf and his mom saw it fit to email her petty things "on his behalf" that he realized he had no boundaries with his mom. She was in the middle of his relationship breakup, and felt it appropriate, because he had always given her permission with his actions, and it was at that point that he saw that it was actually a very unhealthy way of relating. He changed their relationship, although his mom fought it. But it wasn't because a gf asked him to, it was because the consequence of the relationship being as it was began to negatively affect him and he saw it plainly for himself that it was weird. I think the only hope is for him to realize this for himself...but people won't genuinely change unless it comes from them. You can however point out what you're uncomfortable with and why, it's up to him to understand where you're coming from and make changes or not. I love when a man is close to his mom, values her, respects her, loves her and spends time with her...but not momma's boys who are tied to her apron strings, who cannot make a move without consulting her, who allow her to dictate their decisions, who over-share with her and where she is almost like their pseudo-gf . Edited August 9, 2013 by MissBee 2
Author LizardNoyce Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Like I said before, their relationship never used to bother me and in turn, she and I were really good friends. It's just lately I get so hostile towards her because she's always there, telling him to do this for her, telling him to do that for her, telling him what to do and what not to do with his life. It's getting increasingly overwhelming and idk if she feels that tension between us but its definitely there.
Author LizardNoyce Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 We have absolutely no privacy and it drives me nuts. Hes either around his mom, sister or grandparents. I'm not trying to pry him from his family but we are never alone. Seeing is how my whole family doesn't even live in this state, it's easy for me to get away from them.
TaraMaiden Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Like I said. Doomed to failure. You won't win in this, not even a concession. End this now before it suffocates you. I'm serious.
Red Wolverine Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 It's a big problem. When you marry the man, you get the family, too. My xH's mother was a factor in the divorce. When she was around, he wasn't my husband, he was her son. You can't respect a man like that. The nice thing about getting older is these pesky mothers are dying off so dating is getting easier. Just kidding.
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