We've been through hell and back, should I keep hoping or call it quits?

[Kaidee]

You've gotten some great advice in this thread, I'm just going to add a couple of quick things.

 

We all understand (and been there) how much you love him. But once you start getting older and looking towards your future, what you are really looking for is someone who will be a good partner to go through life with.

 

If you decide to stay with him forever because you love him, then that's your choice. I think others in this thread are just trying to let you know what you're signing up for if you do that.

 

It makes me think of a Dr. Phil Quote. And I'm sure I'm butchering it some but it goes like this.

 

In a parent/child relationship, eventually the child will break away from the relationship. That's what children do.

 

So if there are two adults and one is more like a 'child' and the other one always has to be the 'parent', eventually the child will grow up and leave the nest on their own.

 

Like in bluEyeL's case, he got everything he needed from her so he moved on. In my case it was different, I was being controlled so therefore felt like a child and eventually I got the courage to leave and go out on my own.

 

I suspect if you stay with this guy long term, you will feel like you are always the parent and will always have to take that role. He will not be a good partner to go through life with.

 

You can stay for love, we've all done it so we get it, but just know what you're signing up for.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks Curlygirl, I get where you're coming from and appreciate you trying to bridge the communication with the other members. "He keeps doing an amazing job of getting himself together and then falling off." I see progress, and if I didn't see real results, I would have no reason not to trust this advice. To be realistic, it may not be consistent, but it is becoming moreso. When I wrote this post, I was feeling worried and resentful and was failing at keeping things in perspective. I was speaking out of fear and not enough with reason. It's a matter of continuous progress, and time.

[Kaidee]

Your situation is not something that I can understand because I didn't undergo this kind of financial hardship. However, I think that just like me, you worked extremely hard professionally to pursue a better life. What I failed to understand is why don't you apply this to your personal life?

 

I think that I deserve an emotional and financial environment, so I worked hard for it and I refuse to settle for less. Your statement about being 24 and your hormones are yelling at you for starting a family is disturbing. Do you think that this is what family is about? A man , a woman and a kid? Having experienced this myself, I can tell you that raising kids in a emotionally/financially unstable environment is the worse decision that any parent can make. It's extremely selfish.

 

It's your life. You will suffer the consequences of your decisions. You are right when you said that most people won't understand what you went through and they are not in a position to judge you. So why are you here asking for opinions? What makes you believe that people should always keep in mind that you grew up poor or are still poor when they try to give you advice on a situation? Your poverty is a reality, but you don't have to let it define you.

 

If you think that this guy is what you deserve then stay with him. In exchange of your financial/ emotional support, he is providing with companionship and probably other intangible things. And from your reactions, you seem to believe that the benefits of staying with him are greater than leaving him.

 

Hi Dizy, thanks for your unbiased advice. I expressed regret in coming here as I explained my poverty because I thought that may be where some of the harsh judgement was coming from. I don't let my poverty define me, I try to keep in mind that everyone's experiences are different and that those who are more privileged often like to believe that they worked for everything they have. I encounter this attitude from people a lot, people who don't understand a lack of resources and therefore assume laziness on anyone in worse circumstances or people who need more support to help themselves. It can create a very unbiased attitude toward myself and my partner or other friends and family dealing with the same struggles. We really have to help each other in every way possible to compensate for lack of normal help that's assumed in our society. I hope that helps explain that.

 

I added that my hormones are screaming for a family, not that my mind is. My hormones don't always have to control me, and I do not plan on having a child any time at all in the near future, if ever. I take multiple precautions to prevent it. I have not even entertained the idea of "making" a family with my boyfriend. I was simply explaining that my hormones do expect some of the stability that you need in order to start a family. It doesn't have to lead to a child, but it is unattractive to me for a man to be irresponsible when it comes to creating resources and a nice home. Maybe if I wasn't built to find a man who will bring home the bacon, just as men are built to find a woman who will care for and bear a child, it would be easier for me to have patience as he learns how to get better at that.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Kaidee

[white]

Kudos for standing by him. We should all be so lucky to have partners like you.

[Axee]

Hi Kaidee,

 

Its obivious you love him, since you do not like anyone who say leave him..

 

I suggest you ask him to move out.. and you guys continue seeing each other..

 

Be clever about asking him to move out...Please dont be direct, think of an excuse..

 

Once he moves out, you will be able to think and feel clearly as to what is it you want and what exactly is happening...Since you both have stayed together from like 2 months under unusual circumstances.... Just take a time out..

 

 

And you dont have to take care of him, he is an individual who can take care of himself.. trust him on that.. let go, relax

[BluEyeL]

Did I say ALL OTHER women? You're a rude, bitter old woman. I didn't ask for anyone to cram stereotypes down my throat because they had their own bad experiences.

.

Ninja is a man. And not that ancient, I think, but older than you.

[Axee]

LOL at the above comment

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninja is a man. And not that ancient, I think, but older than you.

 

Gee umm, thanks for clearing that up for me, BluE O.o

 

32 years ancient

[Kaidee]

If you want to make the age difference such a big focus, you can't expect any less. Your number has nothing to do with it, you want to claim so much wisdom and experience over me? Correction: You're a rude, bitter old man.

[BluEyeL]

If you want to make the age difference such a big focus, you can't expect any less. Your number has nothing to do with it, you want to claim so much wisdom and experience over me? Correction: You're a rude, bitter old man.

And we can see that indeed no good deed remains unpunished.

[Sunshine87]

I am only 26 years. I met my ex when I was 22 years. At that time, he was addicted to marijuana, had no job and did nothing productive. He was 26year at that time. I spent almost three years trying to ''get him on the right track''. I got him to enroll on a post-grad course (because he had poor grades from university). I helped him look for jobs. I even got my mum to refer him to some of her friends for work. I basically pushed and pushed him and eventually he stopped smoking. I continued to push and eventually, after so many months of stress, things started to fall in place.

 

He left me shortly after for someone else. We went on a break and by the time I thought we were reconciling towards a future forever, he had already proposed to another woman who lives 12 hours away.

 

He now flies her down every couple of months. When we met, he didnt even have a car. I remember that we would go out sometimes I would foot the entire bill. Sure I was not perfect. Neither of us was, but I really wanted the best for him...I thought he was my future. Now, he is empowered (financially) and has access to money so he can do whatever he likes.

 

When I was dating this guy, my friends laughed at me. They couldnt believe I took him seriously. But the moment he actually gained the financial dependence I had waited and worked so hard for, he left at the slightest friction. It's funny because the woman he is with now would not have looked at him twice if she met him under the circumstances that I did. All she sees is a ''successful young man''. She has no idea what he was, what we went through and the stress, drama, pains and anxiety I went through. I know how much he needed me, he was so scared of getting dumped because I was literally his only source of ''stability'. Even his family had given up. But one day (shortly after things improved for him), I recall him saying to me ''You know you cant really tell me anything I dont know anymore''. A new air of confidence, all of a sudden my advice didnt mean anything to him anymore. He had ''arrived''.

 

That is life and I wish them well. But I will never date a man that I have to push or mother. Totally dysfunctional and leaves you drained/exhausted. If he is a good man, he will appreciate the woman and remain indebted to her but many times they forget the story behind their new found glory.

[Kaidee]

 

That is life and I wish them well. But I will never date a man that I have to push or mother. Totally dysfunctional and leaves you drained/exhausted. If he is a good man, he will appreciate the woman and remain indebted to her but many times they forget the story behind their new found glory.

 

Hey Sunshine, thanks for sharing your story in a respectful way. I think that's a wise move, and I think that in most circumstances I'd be right there with you. The pattern there makes sense, although I know that my boyfriend isn't afraid to face the harshness of his poverty, and in fact in the past I have messed up over my own problems and drove him out the door. We reconciled and he came back, but he didn't need to. He is becoming more and more practically independent all the time, and I don't see him being less affectionate, I'm not worried at all that my help is why he's with me.

[Kaidee]

And we can see that indeed no good deed remains unpunished.

 

 

It'd be nice if both of you would stop harassing me on my thread, but I guess I'm on your turf being on this website is that right? How much time do you two spend on here anyway? I've made it clear that your disrespect is not welcome. Believe what you want to believe.

[Sunshine87]

Hey Sunshine, thanks for sharing your story in a respectful way. I think that's a wise move, and I think that in most circumstances I'd be right there with you. The pattern there makes sense, although I know that my boyfriend isn't afraid to face the harshness of his poverty, and in fact in the past I have messed up over my own problems and drove him out the door. We reconciled and he came back, but he didn't need to. He is becoming more and more practically independent all the time, and I don't see him being less affectionate, I'm not worried at all that my help is why he's with me.

 

Thing is, I don't think he necessarily set out to use me. He didn't leave me immediately. He basically met someone else and his empowerment enabled him pursue this relationship - a relationship that incurs A LOT of costs. One he wouldn't have considered had he not hit some bucks. A two- edged sword. So he didn't plan to use me. But the new ( and positive circumstances brought out another side to him). There is a saying that goes like this : "you don't know a man until he has made some money". Financial independence or success changes a lot of people. Even they themselves might never have believed that they would change. Financial independence or success empowers. With that empowerment comes a reduction in vulnerability and an increase in confidence. These open the door to more options...a completely new world. This is where the real test of loyalty comes in. What happens when he has a world of options to explore? Stick with his partner or move on to someone more exciting if she comes along? Some men pass the test and others fail it.

 

Don't be discouraged by the sad stories lol

For every sad story, there is a good one. I've read of successful men who went through rough patches and eventually attained success and remained grateful and indebted to the women who stood by them through thick and thin. But I'm just laying out my perspective. Life is dynamic and nobody knows the impacts that success or financial independence or newly found accomplishment might have on a partner...not even the person in question.

[Els]

A 24-year-old who flunks school - not to work, not to find work, and not even to work on a business - but to hang out with friends all day, makes me vomit in my mouth a little. Sorry.

 

I know a guy like that. His parents paid his way through 6 years of constantly failing med school, until he reached a point where the school kicked him out because he'd failed too much. He didn't fail because he was stupid or incapable, either - he failed because he was too engrossed in having fun to actually plonk his butt down and study even a little bit. Now he's starting over somewhere, in his mid 20s, in his first year in another school and nothing to show for it, and wondering why he can't get a girl.

 

Don't be that girl, OP.