We've been through hell and back, should I keep hoping or call it quits?

[Kaidee]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We've lived together almost the entire time. We're both 24, we were born a day apart and have so many things in common. We're more honest with each other than most couples and share everything with each other. Now I'm not so sure it's working out and I'll tell you why. I don't want anyone to jump the gun on this and judge us for our unusual circumstances, but I do want to know how much of this is considerably normal.

 

When we started dating he had been doing work exchange for his home for 5 years. He had never had any experience being a rent payer. He didn't have a proper job for most of that time and got to spend most of his days doing what he wanted, which was productive. He's a talented artist and writer, and brings people with creative talent together to do amazing things.

 

 

Soon after we met, I had to leave my house and work up in Alaska. When I came back after 2 months, circumstances left me with no where to go and he took me in. We've been living together ever since.

Soon after I moved in he lost his place, we lived in my van and were homeless together for 2 months before finding an awful house(but a house nonetheless) full of kids who rented us out a room while neither of us could find work. The hours at my job weren't enough. We went through hell together and spent the first year of our relationship in a circumstantial crisis. We had to stay together, support each other, do everything we could to help each other get through it. We hope hope hope hoped. And then we pulled through. We made it. He stayed in the room(he had befriended the kids and they let him stay there for free) and my hours were going up at work.

 

By this point the stress had taken it's toll and it seemed like we needed to get some space by living apart. We missed each other like hell, I couldn't stand him being in that horder's party house with all those kids and after a month he moved into my place. He still doesn't have a job, but for a while he wasn't looking properly. He'd always gotten jobs from personal connections and when I showed him the ropes he got right on it and was more of a job hunting badass than even I am without a job, but none of them came through. Now he's made a plan to go to school and get grants for it.

 

That'll pay enough for his end of the costs and then some if it pulls through. He's wicked smart and has always done well in school. He keeps doing an amazing job of getting himself together and then falling off. Then impressing me and making me trust him to be reliable and then disappearing for a day with his friends or pissing off his time in some way without getting anything done at the worst times. I've had to coach him on how to be an equal partner in taking care of the house, being organized, remembering plans and remembering to do things. He's usually eager to get better at these things but it puts me in that mom position that I'm so uncomfortable with. Where it's like

 

I'm stripping his freedom. I'm resentful from having to be that way with him because it gives me low self esteem to be so controlling, I hate being that person and I just want things to be more equal. It makes me uncomfortable around his family and friends because I'm that girlfriend archetype.

 

Today he left in the morning and said he'd be back in a few hours after a doctor's appointment and working things out at the school, I was expecting him around one. I stayed home sick today and he didn't have a phone. He wound up finally calling me from a friend's phone at 9pm, hadn't gone to the school and was completely nonchalant about being out with friends allll day.

 

I can't tell if I'm too clingy or needy, if these are reasonable expectations... I don't want to keep him from his friends or his time to relax when he needs it. I want to respect his space. I can be overbearing because I need him to consistently work on things and so I have to consistently pay attention to what he's doing. I don't know. I'm looking into other places so I know what my options are. I really want it to work with us living together and surviving together and sharing everything with each other, I just don't know if it's worth the stress anymore. I feel anxious all the time because my hope's running out and I want to see enough action to make up for it and I want it to last.

 

I don't want to hold my breath anymore but I'm so in love with him. It'll break my heart if we have to travel to see each other and can't be involved in the same ways. My friends and family worry about me because although they like him, they want me to have stability and stop having to support someone else. What should I do??

Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[iKING]

Tell him what you've posted here.

 

This seems pretty cut and dry, you need to lay your resentments and concerns on the table, otherwise they'll eat at you.

[Kaidee]

Yeah, it's tough because it should be a decision we make together, ideally. There's only so much talking that can be done, I feel like I need to try to predict the outcome and base my options from that. It's all confusing because I don't want to sacrifice a potentially wonderful future with someone so promising.

[iKING]

I understand your predicament, and it can be very easy for a person who isn't associated with the situation to present a viewpoint, but in this case I feel as though you're going to have to talk it through with him honestly.

 

Explain all the positive elements of your views on him and your guy's relationship, but mention what you're feeling in regards to him not holding up his end of the bargain and you feeling like the bad guy when you have to confront him about things to get stuff done.

 

I have to do that with employees, it's a "compliment sandwich".

[Kaidee]

Thanks, it's always worked out well in the past to just be open.

[Kaidee]

Yeah, thanks Priss. It doesn't help that I'm 24 and right in the prime baby making time where all of my hormones are telling me to get stable and start a family. I'm not actually trying to make a family, but my body chemicals are screaming at me to be with someone who already has their **** together.

Thing is, I'm an artist too. I don't get along with a lot of alpha males. I have a lot of dear held values that aren't standard and are kind of uncommon. He seems to be one in a million as far as how he understands and relates to me and how communicative and respectful he is.

 

To be fair, he has gone to the school to work these things out but the school makes it a pain in the ass. Point is he's not trying hard enough but he is trying.

 

Now I've reached this exhaustion where I don't take care of things lately. I sleep in, I don't cook or clean. I just kinda hang out and read and do whatever I want to avoid having to take care of anything.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Kaidee

[BluEyeL]

I was married to one of these types. He wasn't an artist, he was a scientist and he thought that scientists need to work on whatever they fancy, think about chemical formulas all day long, and people around them need to just support them financially. I dragged him up and up and up, for almost 20yrs, from age 18 to 37. The good news is that all that pulling and plowing through with him in tow helped me become stronger and made me build everything from the bottom up, great career and income, house, kid, a new life in a new country 10K miles away from home. In the end he left me, at age 37, he literally said that he has nothing more to get from me, I reached the ceiling of where I could bring him in life and if I have nothing more to give him (career wise), he'll have to split and continue upwards on his own, and I can't come with him. This is a cautionary tale. This relationship will not do you any good. In the end, it's going to end and you'll not be 24 anymore, you can waste the next 10 or 15 years of your life.

[white]

I was married to one of these types. He wasn't an artist, he was a scientist and he thought that scientists need to work on whatever they fancy, think about chemical formulas all day long

 

Did he by any chance run a meth operation?

[Treasa]

I was married to one of these types. He wasn't an artist, he was a scientist and he thought that scientists need to work on whatever they fancy, think about chemical formulas all day long, and people around them need to just support them financially. I dragged him up and up and up, for almost 20yrs, from age 18 to 37. The good news is that all that pulling and plowing through with him in tow helped me become stronger and made me build everything from the bottom up, great career and income, house, kid, a new life in a new country 10K miles away from home. In the end he left me, at age 37, he literally said that he has nothing more to get from me, I reached the ceiling of where I could bring him in life and if I have nothing more to give him (career wise), he'll have to split and continue upwards on his own, and I can't come with him. This is a cautionary tale. This relationship will not do you any good. In the end, it's going to end and you'll not be 24 anymore, you can waste the next 10 or 15 years of your life.

 

Please tell me his nutsack got devoured by a wolverine or something.

 

OP - You mentioned not wanting to be clingy or needy when he needs time to relax from things. Relax from WHAT? He isn't doing anything that requires relaxing!

 

Except for Wednesday, when I wasn't as productive at work as I could have been, I've been working my normal job, working from home, and this weekend I'll be paying the bills, cleaning, cooking...you know, things adults do because they need to be done, and not because someone tells them to do them.

 

It isn't your hormones that are screaming at you, you're only 24, but it's your BRAIN and your common sense that are screaming at you.

 

Unless you want many more years of this, as the others have said, I'd strongly advise you leave. He's flaky, inconsiderate, and lazy. I don't care what a great artist he is. That's nice..he can go do art on the awful house you guys used to live in....without you.

 

Find an actual adult to be with. Trust me on this one.

[Treasa]

By the way, it sounds like YOU'VE been through hell. I doubt he even noticed or cared. He'll just flit on to the next person who will take care of him if you leave him.

 

And God forbid you have a kid with him, prepared to always be broke, and be prepared to be taking care of TWO helpless people, not one.

[BluEyeL]

Please tell me his nutsack got devoured by a wolverine or something.

Nope, he now works for Halliburton.

 

Bottom line, mothering and dragging a guy is exhausting and overall bad news. He'll just resent you for it anyway, don't expect any gratitude.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I was married to one of these types. He wasn't an artist, he was a scientist and he thought that scientists need to work on whatever they fancy, think about chemical formulas all day long, and people around them need to just support them financially. I dragged him up and up and up, for almost 20yrs, from age 18 to 37. The good news is that all that pulling and plowing through with him in tow helped me become stronger and made me build everything from the bottom up, great career and income, house, kid, a new life in a new country 10K miles away from home. In the end he left me, at age 37, he literally said that he has nothing more to get from me, I reached the ceiling of where I could bring him in life and if I have nothing more to give him (career wise), he'll have to split and continue upwards on his own, and I can't come with him. This is a cautionary tale. This relationship will not do you any good. In the end, it's going to end and you'll not be 24 anymore, you can waste the next 10 or 15 years of your life.

 

This is essentially the scenario I was going to cover here, he is merely dependent on you like a mother and support role....you prove the stability and direction that he needs without him having to actually it for himself. A lot of women help men to succeed and be a crutch for them, because of their lack of motivation, insecurities/fears and inability to achieve their responsibilities on their own...you're waiting for a day that never comes, or right when you think things are good and have turned around...meaning he has a good job, grown up, stop being lazy and as unreliable but has figured out enough comfortably to survive on his own then he simply ditches you...you're like a mother bird that helps a man fly out from the nest.....for years.

 

He should be holding himself accountable and taking care of his own responsibilities...but with women like you there isn't a need for a lot of men to do so...you see their creativity, wisdom or intelligence and believe they can excel if they really vested the effort or had things go their way...but often times that's just lack of motivation and desire from the man's part...but since he can't do that for himself you try and carry the man for him, and then teach him how to do all these things he's supposed to do but doesn't really want to learn...you're like a teacher in high school, and you see a potential in one of your students, but he's immature and irresponsible/unaccountable.

 

You can't depend on a man who can't depend on himself, but you're really trying to push your own agenda and make this life into something you desire, after all the more things you go together the more emphasis you'll place on not leaving...which just digs you in a deeper hole and his actions...although frustrating or disappointment are really inconsequential because you see this relationship from a different perspective...your own perspective. This guy is partly with you though because he has no other options and you've been basically someone to take care of him...he's never really had money, or a job or anything steady going nor has he really invested as much effort other than bursts here and there, he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

 

If you have children you'll always have one extra one, you'll be scolding him and riding his back except he'll be a grown man, so I hope you're prepared for the burden of that situation and then you'll be the bad guy since he probably will have poor discipline himself (some men do turn around with responsibility when they're forced into a situation but many do not).

 

When you're done with this relationship, I think you'll realize you should have left it much sooner and be with someone who could carry their own weight...but you were young, hopeful and idealistic...oh and "in love".

[Ninjainpajamas]

Nope, he now works for Halliburton.

 

Bottom line, mothering and dragging a guy is exhausting and overall bad news. He'll just resent you for it anyway, don't expect any gratitude.

 

These men that I've seen usually end up well off and pretty successful, basically women like BlueEyeL teach them how to be a man and without her who knows where he'd be and what he would have become...maybe he'd have relied on another woman or just did nothing.

 

And then they leave it all and choose a woman who is usually successful and put-together in her life as well, and then live like a man who did this all by himself, when this new woman is merely witnessing the result of a good woman/mother.

[Kaidee]

By the way, it sounds like YOU'VE been through hell. I doubt he even noticed or cared. He'll just flit on to the next person who will take care of him if you leave him.

 

And God forbid you have a kid with him, prepared to always be broke, and be prepared to be taking care of TWO helpless people, not one.

 

I've been through hell far more than he has, I don't think he even understands. He doesn't have the perspective to understand. He's trying for me but I don't think he has it in him to get his **** together in time.. He has issues that get in his way of progress and he's trying to be a productive normal person but he had terrible examples of what that means when he was growing up. The problem could easily be that he's trying to change for me and not for himself. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he appreciates me and everything I do for him. He knows that I do a lot for him, more than he expects. I just can't wait forever. Thanks for your perspective, I really needed to hear all sides of this.

[Kaidee]

This is essentially the scenario I was going to cover here, he is merely dependent on you like a mother and support role....you prove the stability and direction that he needs without him having to actually it for himself. A lot of women help men to succeed and be a crutch for them, because of their lack of motivation, insecurities/fears and inability to achieve their responsibilities on their own...you're waiting for a day that never comes, or right when you think things are good and have turned around...meaning he has a good job, grown up, stop being lazy and as unreliable but has figured out enough comfortably to survive on his own then he simply ditches you...you're like a mother bird that helps a man fly out from the nest.....for years.

 

He should be holding himself accountable and taking care of his own responsibilities...but with women like you there isn't a need for a lot of men to do so...you see their creativity, wisdom or intelligence and believe they can excel if they really vested the effort or had things go their way...but often times that's just lack of motivation and desire from the man's part...but since he can't do that for himself you try and carry the man for him, and then teach him how to do all these things he's supposed to do but doesn't really want to learn...you're like a teacher in high school, and you see a potential in one of your students, but he's immature and irresponsible/unaccountable.

 

You can't depend on a man who can't depend on himself, but you're really trying to push your own agenda and make this life into something you desire, after all the more things you go together the more emphasis you'll place on not leaving...which just digs you in a deeper hole and his actions...although frustrating or disappointment are really inconsequential because you see this relationship from a different perspective...your own perspective. This guy is partly with you though because he has no other options and you've been basically someone to take care of him...he's never really had money, or a job or anything steady going nor has he really invested as much effort other than bursts here and there, he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

 

If you have children you'll always have one extra one, you'll be scolding him and riding his back except he'll be a grown man, so I hope you're prepared for the burden of that situation and then you'll be the bad guy since he probably will have poor discipline himself (some men do turn around with responsibility when they're forced into a situation but many do not).

 

When you're done with this relationship, I think you'll realize you should have left it much sooner and be with someone who could carry their own weight...but you were young, hopeful and idealistic...oh and "in love".

 

Sorry, the "in love" sarcastically quoted at the end was really unnecessary. Thanks for making your age discrimination loud and clear. What the hell gives you the authority to make that kind of self-righteous, snotty judgement, asshat?

 

Also, "my agenda" is practical and standard for getting by where and when I live. I don't over-push it. "My agenda" is necessary for anyone to survive because it's very simple. I don't care what he does as long as we are equally supporting our lives, we are happy, and we are living our lives according to our own true wills.

 

This isn't really helpful. I have no idea how privileged any of you people might be. Anyone with family resources isn't going to understand our situations. My family has nothing for me, I make more money than both of my parents combined. His family is the same except they are more crazy and demanding of him. Most people don't live in these harsh circumstances and they need help from real people in order to get anywhere at the beginning of their lives. Without help they become homeless. I did. I had no idea how to take care of myself when I lost my home with my family, and friends took me in for 3 years before I knew how to get on my feet.

 

We are young.

[Kaidee]

These men that I've seen usually end up well off and pretty successful, basically women like BlueEyeL teach them how to be a man and without her who knows where he'd be and what he would have become...maybe he'd have relied on another woman or just did nothing.

 

And then they leave it all and choose a woman who is usually successful and put-together in her life as well, and then live like a man who did this all by himself, when this new woman is merely witnessing the result of a good woman/mother.

 

It's pessimism about men in general like this that makes me appreciate my boyfriend. I've dated a number of men and I've never felt more trust in one than him as a person. I am not one to be big on trust. He has proven his value as a trustworthy and honest person again and again. Why are you all convinced that he can't be dependent on me to teach him, and grateful at the same time?

Maybe other women do it wrong. I actually encourage all of the positive things that he does and appreciate every thing that he does with open gratitude and love. I don't just cram my expectations down his throat, so he doesn't resent me for it. He asks me for advice, he asks for my ideas and he does so much to emotionally and practically take care of me too, in all of the ways he knows how. And I'm reasonable in return. I only get pissed when he says he will do something and doesn't follow through.

[Kaidee]

I don't have a doubt that him and I will always be friends, even if we don't talk for years I'll know that I can call him and he'll be there to support me. We are friends first and foremost as any healthy lovers should be.

[BluEyeL]

It's pessimism about men in general like this that makes me appreciate my boyfriend. I've dated a number of men and I've never felt more trust in one than him as a person. I am not one to be big on trust. He has proven his value as a trustworthy and honest person again and again. Why are you all convinced that he can't be dependent on me to teach him, and grateful at the same time?

Maybe other women do it wrong. I actually encourage all of the positive things that he does and appreciate every thing that he does with open gratitude and love. I don't just cram my expectations down his throat, so he doesn't resent me for it. He asks me for advice, he asks for my ideas and he does so much to emotionally and practically take care of me too, in all of the ways he knows how. And I'm reasonable in return. I only get pissed when he says he will do something and doesn't follow through.

Sounds great! And your question is?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sorry, the "in love" sarcastically quoted at the end was really unnecessary. Thanks for making your age discrimination loud and clear. What the hell gives you the authority to make that kind of self-righteous, snotty judgement, asshat?

 

Apology accepted.

Also, "my agenda" is practical and standard for getting by where and when I live. I don't over-push it. "My agenda" is necessary for anyone to survive because it's very simple. I don't care what he does as long as we are equally supporting our lives, we are happy, and we are living our lives according to our own true wills.

 

Your agenda, is your expectations for this relationship as well as what your expectations of him are...he is not doing anything on his own "will"...you're doing all the work while he does what he pleases. I don't see much of a contribution or effort on his part, is there something you think everybody missed?

This isn't really helpful. I have no idea how privileged any of you people might be. Anyone with family resources isn't going to understand our situations. My family has nothing for me, I make more money than both of my parents combined. His family is the same except they are more crazy and demanding of him. Most people don't live in these harsh circumstances and they need help from real people in order to get anywhere at the beginning of their lives. Without help they become homeless. I did. I had no idea how to take care of myself when I lost my home with my family, and friends took me in for 3 years before I knew how to get on my feet.

 

Most people don't live in these harsh circumstances? really?...my family was broken at a young age, I borrowed money from my parents maybe twice beyond the age of 16...by then they were divorced living in different cities and I lived with just about every family member bouncing around until I graduated from my 3rd high school from a place I had only been to for 3 months without any friends that I grew up with and knowing nobody, and proceeded to get a job and figure everything else out for myself in life on my own.

 

But I have no idea where you're coming from....silly me.

We are young.

 

It's pessimism about men in general like this that makes me appreciate my boyfriend. I've dated a number of men and I've never felt more trust in one than him as a person. I am not one to be big on trust. He has proven his value as a trustworthy and honest person again and again.

 

Right, because every woman on the planet knew they couldn't trust the person that ultimately left her and in no way been in your situation, yours is just a rare gem and is impervious to the reality check of real life. Even though objectively from reading this thread, it doesn't seem to be that way.

Why are you all convinced that he can't be dependent on me to teach him, and grateful at the same time?

 

His behavior doesn't say that, maybe his words do...but he's acting like a child and you feel like a mother...his actions don't really exude a grateful attitude when he doesn't do what he says he will and you feel like you're stripping his freedom away...he doesn't seem to respect your time, energy and emotions.

Maybe other women do it wrong. I actually encourage all of the positive things that he does and appreciate every thing that he does with open gratitude and love. I don't just cram my expectations down his throat, so he doesn't resent me for it. He asks me for advice, he asks for my ideas and he does so much to emotionally and practically take care of me too, in all of the ways he knows how. And I'm reasonable in return. I only get pissed when he says he will do something and doesn't follow through.

 

Oh of course, you are doing it all right! everyone else is doing it all wrong and has no idea how to have a relationship! that's EXACTLY why they made a mistake, if only they had your relationship and were in your shoes would they have come out the better...how come I didn't see that! guys, this woman is "different", she is smarter and more grown up...gosh darn, we're sorry for the confusion, we did not realize that we were older and more experienced and seen this scenario played out before but that was an impossible outcome for your relationship because you have everything under control and know better..even though it sounds like just like a very real possibility it could become the scenario we described and are just warning you about...we need to go with what you are saying because that over rules all common sense/wisdom from an objective view of your relationship instead of an emotional and sentimental one...it's a good thing you know exactly what to do to fix this.....mom.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[BluEyeL]

Regarding how privileged we were, you have to understand that many people are going through difficult times when they are young not just you. We sometimes think that our situation is the most difficult and special.

 

 

I grew up in a communist country and a tough one, no food, no heating, no TV etc, and after the communism my ex and I were making between 60 and 100 $ per month. That's why I came to the US in 1999 with a suitcase and alone. I first lived in a house with 11 other people, where I SHARED a room with another girl. I was making about 1000 per month, and out of that was saving 700 to raise money to bring my husband, which I did, after 6 months. We continued to live in roomate houses and rode bikes everywhere for two years, until I became pregnant. I still rode the bike until I was 6month pregnant, when I bought a car with 200K on it. My ex husband I remember refused to come with me to see the car, and threw a tantrum that it was a manual car. Oh, well the stories I could tell you. Now i am a college professor of engineering at a large university, so im an old wise lady ) But when I was young, we also were very much in love and happy, or so I thought. Good luck to you, hope things will turn out well for you.

[curlygirl40]

You've gotten some great advice in this thread, I'm just going to add a couple of quick things.

 

We all understand (and been there) how much you love him. But once you start getting older and looking towards your future, what you are really looking for is someone who will be a good partner to go through life with.

 

If you decide to stay with him forever because you love him, then that's your choice. I think others in this thread are just trying to let you know what you're signing up for if you do that.

 

It makes me think of a Dr. Phil Quote. And I'm sure I'm butchering it some but it goes like this.

 

In a parent/child relationship, eventually the child will break away from the relationship. That's what children do.

 

So if there are two adults and one is more like a 'child' and the other one always has to be the 'parent', eventually the child will grow up and leave the nest on their own.

 

Like in bluEyeL's case, he got everything he needed from her so he moved on. In my case it was different, I was being controlled so therefore felt like a child and eventually I got the courage to leave and go out on my own.

 

I suspect if you stay with this guy long term, you will feel like you are always the parent and will always have to take that role. He will not be a good partner to go through life with.

 

You can stay for love, we've all done it so we get it, but just know what you're signing up for.

 

Good luck

[dizy]

Your situation is not something that I can understand because I didn't undergo this kind of financial hardship. However, I think that just like me, you worked extremely hard professionally to pursue a better life. What I failed to understand is why don't you apply this to your personal life?

 

I think that I deserve an emotional and financial environment, so I worked hard for it and I refuse to settle for less. Your statement about being 24 and your hormones are yelling at you for starting a family is disturbing. Do you think that this is what family is about? A man , a woman and a kid? Having experienced this myself, I can tell you that raising kids in a emotionally/financially unstable environment is the worse decision that any parent can make. It's extremely selfish.

 

It's your life. You will suffer the consequences of your decisions. You are right when you said that most people won't understand what you went through and they are not in a position to judge you. So why are you here asking for opinions? What makes you believe that people should always keep in mind that you grew up poor or are still poor when they try to give you advice on a situation? Your poverty is a reality, but you don't have to let it define you.

 

If you think that this guy is what you deserve then stay with him. In exchange of your financial/ emotional support, he is providing with companionship and probably other intangible things. And from your reactions, you seem to believe that the benefits of staying with him are greater than leaving him.

[Kaidee]

This isn't really helpful. I have no idea how privileged any of you people might be. Anyone with family resources isn't going to understand our situations. My family has nothing for me, I make more money than both of my parents combined. His family is the same except they are more crazy and demanding of him. Most people don't live in these harsh circumstances and they need help from real people in order to get anywhere at the beginning of their lives. Without help they become homeless. I did. I had no idea how to take care of myself when I lost my home with my family, and friends took me in for 3 years before I knew how to get on my feet.

 

Most people don't live in these harsh circumstances? really?...my family was broken at a young age, I borrowed money from my parents maybe twice beyond the age of 16...by then they were divorced living in different cities and I lived with just about every family member bouncing around until I graduated from my 3rd high school from a place I had only been to for 3 months without any friends that I grew up with and knowing nobody, and proceeded to get a job and figure everything else out for myself in life on my own.

 

But I have no idea where you're coming from....silly me.

 

Yeah, I'm not saying that I have it WORSE than everyone else. What I'm saying is that I cannot ever borrow money from my family. It is not there. I also do not have family members who can put me up. My boyfriend does not have this luxury either.

 

The point is, never did I say that he always just sits around and does whatever he wants, a lot of responses filled in the gaps through their own pessimism. Yes, the problem is that it is not consistent. The problem is NOT that he is just freeloading indefinitely off of me all the time. The problem is that I was not sure I have the capacity to wait for him to be all the way there, and whether or not it is fair for me to have to be so patient through the process. I wanted advice from people who may be able to relate to BOTH of us, not just people who are bitter about the stereotype of a leeching boyfriend.

 

Now I've reached the understanding that the progress that I do see needs to be the focus. I remain assertive, and when I push he doesn't push back. He understands and he is new to trying to get by in the modern world without the good luck of school making it easy to have financial aid, or friends offering jobs at their businesses. Generally I am very encouraging about the progress I do see and feel positive about the situation even though the stress is great. Getting a job isn't what it used to be. You don't just go around the neighborhood applying to every place. You have to work your way into the system using online ads and you have to know exactly what to say and what to do to get any attention and to beat the incredible competition just to get your foot in the door.

 

Of coarse, I came to this forum because I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed to do to make things better in my situation. I was emotional because of his slip up. That doesn't call for running away, or that I should judge him based on stereotypical characteristics that can easily be blown out of proportion.

[Kaidee]

Oh of course, you are doing it all right! everyone else is doing it all wrong and has no idea how to have a relationship! that's EXACTLY why they made a mistake, if only they had your relationship and were in your shoes would they have come out the better...how come I didn't see that! guys, this woman is "different", she is smarter and more grown up...gosh darn, we're sorry for the confusion, we did not realize that we were older and more experienced and seen this scenario played out before but that was an impossible outcome for your relationship because you have everything under control and know better..even though it sounds like just like a very real possibility it could become the scenario we described and are just warning you about...we need to go with what you are saying because that over rules all common sense/wisdom from an objective view of your relationship instead of an emotional and sentimental one...it's a good thing you know exactly what to do to fix this.....mom.

 

Did I say ALL OTHER women? You're a rude, bitter old woman. I didn't ask for anyone to cram stereotypes down my throat because they had their own bad experiences.

I have gotten real advice from the people in my life and I was hoping to find that here, which I did, but certainly not from your self-righteous belittling attitude. And as far as what you said about experience and age, I have known many people twice my age who still play out their childish impulses and let their emotions run their lives because they never disciplined themselves enough to become more rational human beings. You may be able to demand respect solely due to your age from other people, but I only give respect when I am being respected.

[Kaidee]

Regarding how privileged we were, you have to understand that many people are going through difficult times when they are young not just you. We sometimes think that our situation is the most difficult and special.

 

 

I grew up in a communist country and a tough one, no food, no heating, no TV etc, and after the communism my ex and I were making between 60 and 100 $ per month. That's why I came to the US in 1999 with a suitcase and alone. I first lived in a house with 11 other people, where I SHARED a room with another girl. I was making about 1000 per month, and out of that was saving 700 to raise money to bring my husband, which I did, after 6 months. We continued to live in roomate houses and rode bikes everywhere for two years, until I became pregnant. I still rode the bike until I was 6month pregnant, when I bought a car with 200K on it. My ex husband I remember refused to come with me to see the car, and threw a tantrum that it was a manual car. Oh, well the stories I could tell you. Now i am a college professor of engineering at a large university, so im an old wise lady ) But when I was young, we also were very much in love and happy, or so I thought. Good luck to you, hope things will turn out well for you.

 

"I have no idea how privileged any of you people might be." I'm sorry if I seemed to be generalizing, I tried to use wording to imply that that could be the misconception, but not that I was sure of it. I don't consider my situation one of a kind, I think that a lot of people do understand it. Seemingly even more people don't, and I encounter it all the time. It creates a judgement because everyone, privileged or not, wants to believe that they worked for everything they have.

Your story IS a special one, and many congratulations on working your way up! Thank you for your good wishes, and I believe things will turn out fine, we may not be together forever but we are generally great partners to each other, and we will learn from each other. I have gotten exactly the insights that I needed, which are ways to make my situation better and keep the support that him and I give to each other. I apologize for getting upset at the harsh responses, it seemed like my relationship was being attacked, which I would have handled more reasonably without some of the belittling words from other members besides yourself. Good luck to you, take care.