Automatic paternity tests

August 9, 2013

I don't think it is most women but a lot of men have the attitude that most modern women are not to be trusted. Right or wrong that really is how a lot of men feel.

A trustworthy woman has the option of holding out for a trusting man. That would be my first choice.

As I said earlier, these are great topics for discussion before having sex with a new partner. I'd like to know if a man has that level of trust issue before getting attached.

August 9, 2013

Do you also think it is wrong to make a man prove he isn't a dog?

August 9, 2013

Do you also think it is wrong to make a man prove he isn't a dog?

I have never asked my partner for proof of his fidelity. He gives me no reason to doubt it--none! That's enough for me.

August 9, 2013

To all the men posting who want paternity tests, what's the point in demanding acquiescence from random women on the Internet? Just ask your sex partners or spouse(s) when they give birth. And own the response. And use your arguments about reasonableness on your many sex partners....not on strangers.

August 10, 2013

Well that certainly seems to be the case on LS. Thankfully not in real life, in my experience.

Unfortunately, it is the case in real life. As a man, if I bring the subject up to another man, they either were cheated on or knew someone it happened to.

Men just simply don't talk to women about these kind of things. Even married guys that believe they have good wives often tell me "I got lucky" and then acknowledge their lack of trust.

For me, personally, I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge), but women have cheated with me (or have tried to) and I see how deceptive they can be. And it's usually the ones that you'd least expect.

With men investing so much into marriage (both emotionally and financially), it's way too great of a risk for many men that I know.

August 10, 2013

First, I'd say it's funny how men a for testing and women against. (not funny in a ha!ha!ha! way but you know.)

You are happily married, have been for years. You have a house, a dog, children, etc. All is good in happy-land.

Now, out of the blue, your wife asks you to pass a lie detector test because she is worried that you are cheating - even though she has no proof that you are. You know she just wants peace of mind.

Oh you would go ahead, But - and don't answer here, answer in your head cause you can't lie to yourself - wouldn't you be at least a little pissed that your wife needs reassurance at this point?

And you men wonder why you are still single?

August 10, 2013

First, I'd say it's funny how men a for testing and women against. (not funny in a ha!ha!ha! way but you know.)

You are happily married, have been for years. You have a house, a dog, children, etc. All is good in happy-land.

Now, out of the blue, your wife asks you to pass a lie detector test because she is worried that you are cheating - even though she has no proof that you are. You know she just wants peace of mind.

Oh you would go ahead, But - and don't answer here, answer in your head cause you can't lie to yourself - wouldn't you be at least a little pissed that your wife needs reassurance at this point?

And you men wonder why you are still single?

I'd be amused. Of course, I'm one of those guys who can't get a date to save his life.

But, I'd be amused if I had a wife or girlfriend who thought I could get someone else to sleep with me. Would make me feel valued.

August 10, 2013

I'd be amused. Of course, I'm one of those guys who can't get a date to save his life.

But, I'd be amused if I had a wife or girlfriend who thought I could get someone else to sleep with me. Would make me feel valued.

I'm not saying that you're not honest about this and it's your case...

But I am expecting a lot of men will post here with a similar answer to yours but deep down, they would be extremely hurt if it happened for real.

Which is why I asked them to answer to themselves cause posting an answer here isn't going to mean ****.

August 10, 2013

I'm not saying that you're not honest about this and it's your case...
But I am expecting a lot of men will post here with a similar answer to yours but deep down, they would be extremely hurt if it happened for real.

Which is why I asked them to answer to themselves cause posting an answer here isn't going to mean ****.

I imagine you're probably right. That's how most guys would react.

I was stating the reality that I'd find myself really lucky if I ever had the option to cheat. And I'm pretty sure any girl who would date me would know that going in.

I probably would have a different answer if I was a bit more normal in my dating patterns though...

August 10, 2013

Men have a huge disadvantage when it comes to paternity. They face the risk of raising & supporting a child that is not theirs. A child is at minimum an 18 year responsibility. A little person that loves and looks up to his dad. It is a huge emotional investment on the part of the child and the man.

My babies grew, kicked, got the hiccups inside of me. They were born and placed on my chest. There is no doubt they are my babies.

My husbands friend paid child support and bonded with the child he was told was his son. His mother kept saying, he does not look anything like you, and he doesn't favor his mother, get him tested. Finally they tested him, and my husbands friend was not the father. He was faced with a horrible situation. He should not be financially responsible for this child, but he already loved him. He had already bonded with the kid, and the mother's dishonesty was not the child's fault. So he has continued being there for him. Not so much financially, but emotionally. He takes him to the aquarium, six flags, Ocean city. Not because he has to, but because he really likes the kid. It broke his heart to learn he wasnt his.

The fact is that people lie.

The most similar scenario I can think of from a female perspective would be - say your husbands female friend and coworker got pregnant and had a child that favored your husband. Looked more like your husband than your own kids. How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know?

Trust is very important in a relationship, but with all the horror stories out there, can you really blame a man for wanting proof? Especially if there are questions or the child looks like neither of you? I don't understand why you wouldnt be ok with proving paternity, if you dont have anything to hide? Wouldnt you want him to bond with the baby? I get that it is a statement that he doesn't trust you- but instead of looking at it as an insult, look at it as a way to cement your family, a way for your kid to get 100% from dad, a way to optimize the bond. Trust can be rebuilt, and it happens everyday in families.

My family is valuable to me as a unit. I know its best for my kids to have a stable, secure upbringing. I value the father-child bond and know my kids need that to be happy. If my husband wanted a test, I would do it. And I would not break up our family. Our trust could be rebuilt over time.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Quiet Storm

August 10, 2013

First, I'd say it's funny how men a for testing and women against. (not funny in a ha!ha!ha! way but you know.)

You are happily married, have been for years. You have a house, a dog, children, etc. All is good in happy-land.

Now, out of the blue, your wife asks you to pass a lie detector test because she is worried that you are cheating - even though she has no proof that you are. You know she just wants peace of mind.

Oh you would go ahead, But - and don't answer here, answer in your head cause you can't lie to yourself - wouldn't you be at least a little pissed that your wife needs reassurance at this point?

And you men wonder why you are still single?

Maybe but I can at least show some empathy for a woman that has trust issues. Many women in these threads refuse to even consider why many men feel the way they do about this. Even if you don't agree at least try to understand where it is coming from. Is that too much to ask?

Also somebody that many men never talk about this stuff in person and I agree. Many men have trust issues but never discuss it with women offline.

August 10, 2013

To all the men posting who want paternity tests, what's the point in demanding acquiescence from random women on the Internet? Just ask your sex partners or spouse(s) when they give birth. And own the response. And use your arguments about reasonableness on your many sex partners....not on strangers.

Or have children out of wedlock.

August 10, 2013

I have no reason whatsoever to doubt my wife's fidelity. The only circumstance that I would ever consider a paternity test would be if the baby came out and looked absolutely nothing like me.

August 10, 2013

Wouldnt you want him to bond with the baby?

If my H needed a DNA test in order to bond with the baby he wanted to have with me, then he's not the type of person I would want as a husband. And I'd feel doubly insulted, since I have a bond with his daughter, one that didn't require shared DNA to form.

To me, it's very different to request a DNA test in a secure, good marriage where the child is wanted by both parents than it is to request a DNA test in a new, not-so-serious, or rocky relationship. My brother got his girlfriend of just a few months pregnant, and even though all of us were 99% sure the baby was his, they did a DNA test anyway. It was perfectly logical and reasonable to do that. There was a good reason to ensure that the child was his, especially since she refused to put his name on the birth certificate out of spite. He wanted to assert his parental rights, and the first step to doing that was getting a lawyer and obtaining a court order for a DNA test.

August 10, 2013

It seems that the most decent thing any woman could ever do for a man given the state of the technology is to demand a paternity test.

I do not think women can truly understand the worry that this can cause for men.

Why would a woman NOT want to do this?

I don't think I'll ever be in a position where I'm pregnant without being in a monogamous, commitment. I'm very careful and it hasn't happened yet, and I don't think it ever will. I also don't sleep with multiple men in short spans of time, so I'd know who my child's father is if I did get pregnant. However, if I somehow got pregnant in a casual relationship, where we weren't exclusive, and the guy wanted to be sure it was his, I would have no problems obliging him, as I understand that it's not personal, but simply smart, if he isn't just willing to take my word for it if I'm not his exclusive gf/wife. I wouldn't be insulted, I'd probably volunteer it, as if I were a guy I'd appreciate it.

If my husband asked for one though, I'd definitely be insulted, or my bf who I've been committed to monogamously. But if we're just having sex and are casual and are not exclusive, then you have every right to make sure, as the conditions of our relationship make the paternity more questionable.

Edited August 10, 2013 by MissBee

August 10, 2013

I definitely don't think we'll have paternity tests relegated to the masses any time soon since women virtually control the laws in America. I don't think we necessarily should either. It is an odd statistic that 1 in 10 men are raising a child that isn't theirs. As a man, that would be a tough pill for me to swallow, that I'm raising some other guy's child. I already work too hard for that to happen. I'm trying to make a decent living, then I get conned by some woman that probably doesn't even like me. That would suck.

August 10, 2013

If H ever doubted the paternity of his two sons and wanted a pat test, I'd do it, pack up the boys and then walk. This way, he could have a marvelous time opening up the results all on his own and finding himself the biological father of both.

August 10, 2013

Not all children resemble someone immediately recognizable. When my last was born, he was looong (as in tall), had a really large d*** and was quite dark skinned. I am light skinned, his dad is light skinned and the first baby, a boy, is very light skinned although i have lots of family members of all skin shades as does my xH. As I was recovering from general anesthesia, I heard my MIL ask my Mom in wonder who she thought the baby looked like. In my groggy and weak state, I was unable to speak but I was not amused by the insinuation. My intuition told me there was trouble.

A few months later at a holiday resort, my xH got drunk and started yelling at me about how I didn't love him because of A, B, C behaviour. Mostly about how I was giving him the silent treatment and treating him like he was invisible. In my defense, the bast*** had had yet another A and I was tired of fighting. So I simply shut him out. Anyway, in the middle of our argument, he blurts out how I must have cheated on him and how he wants a paternity test done on the baby boy. I was pissed!!!! I told him point blank NO. I assured him that if he wanted the M to end all he had to do was insist on a paternity test. He dropped the subject.

I was angry because I felt at the time that my xH was denying his son. Or seeking an opportunity to do so. Now that the boy is 4 years old, he has turned out to be an exact replica of his father's uncle. Whenever I hear my fMIL say that I flash back to that horrible night in the resort. Arrrrggh!!!

I could accept a government mandated paternity test. It can be standard like the blood group, etc. It would dissuade women from pulling an age-old stunt that not only hurts the poor man who brings up a child who isn't his but also ultimately hurts the child in question.

August 10, 2013

You people jumping on the 'mandatory' or 'free' bandwagon realize that you CAN get a paternity test anyway, right? It's what, a couple hundred dollars? If you don't have a couple hundred dollars to spare, you shouldn't be having a baby.

Oh, but you know your partner will be affronted if you ask for one. Well, in that case, if this is important to you, you're incompatible with her and shouldn't be having sex. Try looking for a compatible partner. There are several women on this thread alone who have indicated that they'd be fine with having a paternity test done. I'm sure more of them exist out there.

But you can't find a woman that agrees with your point of view AND wants to have sex with you? So you think the solution should be for the government to step in and mandate it so you don't have to do the legwork yourself, while you continue having sex despite your fears of paternity.

Because you're not only horny, but lazy to put in the effort to seek someone compatible who understands your concerns.

Sounds legit.

TL;DR: If you feel you need a paternity test... just get one. You're an adult, make your own choices. Stop expecting the government to meddle further and further in personal affairs for your own gain. Should the government make gym mandatory too, just because you're too lazy to drag your own butt to it?

Edited August 10, 2013 by Elswyth

August 10, 2013

I don't think the tests should be automatic, but they should do them upon request.

Wait, do labs not do them upon request?

I was under the impression that they do, from what I've read. If they don't, they certainly should.

August 10, 2013

I have about ten girlfriends who are all married and have had their first kids this year. I'm trying really hard to imagine how I'd feel if one of them came to me and said, "Joe is demanding that I take a paternity test."

Again, this is one of those threads where I have to remind myself that the men driving them are already racked with insecurity anyway and the idea of marital bliss is a completely foreign concept.

And this is coming from a girl who's given a baby up and had an ex leave her for the wedding planner. You dudes are not the only ones who have been wronged by the opposite sex and yet, I'd never paint all men with the same broad brush.

Well, to be fair, there's often a financial incentive involved as well. Nobody wants to pay child support for a kid that isn't theirs.

Not saying that's the only or even the biggest reason people might want a paternity test, but I'd imagine that's a big reason.

August 10, 2013

What is the big deal? I get the logic on why a man would want one since there is no complete control over DNA like for the woman. I have NEVER understood the desire to only be attached to offspring that share my DNA but do know that it is special class who will adopt.

If you want it, be true to that from the beginning of dating, and own it. I don't think it is here or there then and it isn't about the woman at that point. It is just about an expectation you have in dating/marriage/reproducing.

August 10, 2013

Men have a huge disadvantage when it comes to paternity. They face the risk of raising & supporting a child that is not theirs. A child is at minimum an 18 year responsibility. A little person that loves and looks up to his dad. It is a huge emotional investment on the part of the child and the man.

My babies grew, kicked, got the hiccups inside of me. They were born and placed on my chest. There is no doubt they are my babies.

My husbands friend paid child support and bonded with the child he was told was his son. His mother kept saying, he does not look anything like you, and he doesn't favor his mother, get him tested. Finally they tested him, and my husbands friend was not the father. He was faced with a horrible situation. He should not be financially responsible for this child, but he already loved him. He had already bonded with the kid, and the mother's dishonesty was not the child's fault. So he has continued being there for him. Not so much financially, but emotionally. He takes him to the aquarium, six flags, Ocean city. Not because he has to, but because he really likes the kid. It broke his heart to learn he wasnt his.

The fact is that people lie.

The most similar scenario I can think of from a female perspective would be - say your husbands female friend and coworker got pregnant and had a child that favored your husband. Looked more like your husband than your own kids. How would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know?

Trust is very important in a relationship, but with all the horror stories out there, can you really blame a man for wanting proof? Especially if there are questions or the child looks like neither of you? I don't understand why you wouldnt be ok with proving paternity, if you dont have anything to hide? Wouldnt you want him to bond with the baby? I get that it is a statement that he doesn't trust you- but instead of looking at it as an insult, look at it as a way to cement your family, a way for your kid to get 100% from dad, a way to optimize the bond. Trust can be rebuilt, and it happens everyday in families.

My family is valuable to me as a unit. I know its best for my kids to have a stable, secure upbringing. I value the father-child bond and know my kids need that to be happy. If my husband wanted a test, I would do it. And I would not break up our family. Our trust could be rebuilt over time.

This is why you are one of my favorite posters. You actually try to put yourself in a man's shoes.

August 10, 2013

I have about ten girlfriends who are all married and have had their first kids this year. I'm trying really hard to imagine how I'd feel if one of them came to me and said, "Joe is demanding that I take a paternity test."

Again, this is one of those threads where I have to remind myself that the men driving them are already racked with insecurity anyway and the idea of marital bliss is a completely foreign concept.

And this is coming from a girl who's given a baby up and had an ex leave her for the wedding planner. You dudes are not the only ones who have been wronged by the opposite sex and yet, I'd never paint all men with the same broad brush.

Marital bliss in our society pretty much is going the way of the dodo.

August 10, 2013

Nobody wants to pay child support for a kid that isn't theirs.

If a guy decides to try for a baby with his wife and then balks at the idea of putting down money to raise the child, then there's something wrong with his head. If the cost of raising a child, whether through being a father or simply paying out child support from a distance, is a concern, why on earth would a man want to try to have a baby with his wife?

Again, planned versus unplanned pregnancies, long-term relationships versus newer ones. It makes a difference. A huge one. Not every case is one in which you've only known the person for 5 months and aren't quite sure, so it's absurd to treat every situation like that.

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