insearchofanswers Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 Hello all .... I seem to be in perplexing situation ... A wonderful girl I'm dating is still hung up on some other dude that dropped her quite some time ago (like nearly a year). After doing the math of bits and pieces she's told me about him (as she won't come right out and talk freely for fear of being judged I can assume), I'm realizing more and more that she's in and out of depression over this guy. How can I help her talk about this and in the same, continue to date her. I know she has feelings for me, but she is having the hardest time letting go of her past with him, which is preventing any future with us. I feel for her as it must really hurt to have this happen. A quick background. She left a nine year relationship (it ended mutually) then she met Mr-Not-So-Wonderful, apparently, he had a fling and dumped her almost a year ago, she's sent the occasional email to him in hope of some contact with him. With no response, it appears she is to the point of waiting around for him. I do want to listen and help her out of this mindset. any info would be helpful ...
dizi Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 It's too bad that after a year she isn't getting over this guy, but since you haven't mentioned it, I assume she is over the guy she was with for 9 years? How long did she wait before she met Mr. Not-So-Wonderful? He cheated on her? How long were they together? Sometimes it's harder to get over the ones that hurt us. But it's been a year. She might feel that he dumped her/cheated on her because of something wrong with her, and so her self esteem is shot. Maybe you just need to take things really slow with her and let her realize you care. I guess it kind of depends on how long you've been dating her, whether you want to pry and find out details. You could ask her what it is about him that makes her want to keep in touch with him even after he hurt her. If she has been really depressed about this for a long time, she might need to get to a counselor...You're a nice guy for wanting to help her
tiki Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 She was rejected and that sucks. Give her time to get over him. I think the more you're around, the less she'll remember him. And tell her how you feel, that may help.
Author insearchofanswers Posted November 4, 2004 Author Posted November 4, 2004 I think Mr-Not-So-Wonderful "noticed her" when she was in the process of leaving the 9 yr guy. So, it might be considered that Mr-Not-So ... was kind of the rebound guy, of which she fell for him, but his intentions were only temporary and I think it was only a few months they had a thing going. I think she is the type to hold in her problems and try to fix them herself without outside intervention. This makes it that much harder to open the door so to speak. But mayeb I should try to open it by asking what's so special about someone that cares NOT for you. Yes, most of us have been there, been hurt by others and its definitely not easy. I talked with her last night she's kinda "man bashing" and says she's glad she doesn't have one and happy to be single. I can see right through the lines here. She's angry (and rightly so) for having her heart crushed. But time will have to heal that. I feel her self esteem is shot, so I should move at less than a snails pace here as I think there's something special within her. She's probably building that fortress around her heart and trusts no one .... I've been here one too many times. I want to stop the pattern and help someone else out. Even if she doesn't choose me in the end, I would like her to be free of this torment. thank you both
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