My boyfriend and my brother.

[JenniC]

Hi guys,

 

Let me start by saying that my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We plan to get married next year. Anyway, we're going to a new city 2 hours away from my home this month. I've a very, very close knit family, and we're moving for postgrad studies. His choice of uni for his subject. I'm following for the relationship, but I've got a good course lined up.

 

I love him. A lot.

 

But, just yesterday he tells me that he doesn't want my brother (my best friend in the world, ages 17, 5 years younger and so mature and amazing), to stay over every weekend.

 

I love my brother. We grew up together in a single parent family. He's my right arm. We are BEST friends.

 

I actually feel ill at this revelation. I don't know what to do. Boyfriend says he won't know what to do. Doesn't want to play gooseberry while we do our thing - but we would welcome him with open arms. My brother loves him. Boyfriend says this "Sicillian" family model is old.

 

What can I do? I love my boyfriend, but my brother is my best friend and confidant. This feels so cruel. Please help.

 

My boyfriend is a good guy, but has a broken family and I don't think he honestly gets our bond.

 

Please, please help.

[tbf]

Can the two of you compromise to every second or third weekend?

[tbf]

You can still be 'best friends' with your brother without having him staying over your place every single weekend. That's just creepy.

 

The kid is almost 18 years old and he apparently has no friends or social life of his OWN because he's connected at the hip to his sister. He should be hanging out with his friends on the weekends, going to movies with girls, spending the day at the beach (or whatever) with a group of his peers, taking a drive with a special girl, and on and on. And what about a part-time job? If he's free all weekend, why isn't he working at almost 18 years old?

 

Instead, he wants to come to your college every weekend and stay with you guys? That's actually pitiful and I feel sorry for the kid.

 

Your boyfriend is right. That "we're Siciliian" crap gets REAL old, REAL fast, so stop using it as some kind of excuse to continue retarding your brother's social development. You're grooming this poor kid to be a complete social misfit whose only real 'friend' in the world is going to be you.

 

If you're smart, you'll listen to your boyfriend - for your BROTHER'S sake.

She's moving away from her close family, to a place where she might not have any friends so they can be together. There has to some compromise on the b/fs side, in order to accommodate for her concerns too. Relationships aren't about only one side giving, the other taking.

[iKING]

Relationships aren't about only one side giving, the other taking.

 

Unless you're in prison.

 

My suggestion would be a mix of tbf's and miss's opinions.

[Eclypse]

He's dating you not your brother. I agree with him. I would be pissed if I was forced to spend every weekend with my gfs brother and not get any quality time alone. My gfs brother is kinda similar. He has no friends or anything so on the weekends he hangs out with us. It's really annoying.

[JenniC]

She's moving away from her close family, to a place where she might not have any friends so they can be together. There has to some compromise on the b/fs side, in order to accommodate for her concerns too. Relationships aren't about only one side giving, the other taking.

 

Thank you. My brother and I were homeschooled for various reasons, and we're very close. He does have his own friends from high school, but he can't see them at the weekend because of his workload. I would help him out with work, etc.

 

I don't have any friends where we're going. This is a huge change for me.

 

My boyfriend also goes to bed early even at a weekend, and my brother and I like to sit up and watch movies and laugh, etc.

 

Nothing creepy in it, like another poster said.

 

Boyfriend and I have 5 days of the week together. We finish studying at 5. Then we have the night. He had originally agreed to this, and now he's changed his mind.

[JenniC]

As for a compromise of every other weekend; my brother doesn't want that, neither do I.

 

I agreed to move on the basis of being close to my family, and the ability to see them as and when was needed.

 

We are not Sicillian, that isn't out excuse, that's the lame insult given by my boyfriend, who has no real family ties.

 

My brother is my rock. He's supported me through thick and thin. My boyfriend seems to almost try to compete. I'm never trying to make a division. If I'm marrying him, I want to him to be -part- of us. Not to bugger off and read when my brother is around, and deliberately isolate himself.

[MissBee]

Hi guys,

 

Let me start by saying that my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We plan to get married next year. Anyway, we're going to a new city 2 hours away from my home this month. I've a very, very close knit family, and we're moving for postgrad studies. His choice of uni for his subject. I'm following for the relationship, but I've got a good course lined up.

 

I love him. A lot.

 

But, just yesterday he tells me that he doesn't want my brother (my best friend in the world, ages 17, 5 years younger and so mature and amazing), to stay over every weekend.

 

I love my brother. We grew up together in a single parent family. He's my right arm. We are BEST friends.

 

I actually feel ill at this revelation. I don't know what to do. Boyfriend says he won't know what to do. Doesn't want to play gooseberry while we do our thing - but we would welcome him with open arms. My brother loves him. Boyfriend says this "Sicillian" family model is old.

 

What can I do? I love my boyfriend, but my brother is my best friend and confidant. This feels so cruel. Please help.

 

My boyfriend is a good guy, but has a broken family and I don't think he honestly gets our bond.

 

Please, please help.

 

Why does you brother need to stay over EVERY weekend?

 

I think that's unreasonable personally.

 

It's not like your bf is saying your brother can NEVER come over...but every single weekend?

 

I am very close with my family, but esp if I lived with my significant other, it would be so very weird and I'd understand how it would be annoying for them if I insisted my sister had to stay with us every weekend. I mean I assume you all have lives, I'm a grad student and sometimes during the week I don't have much time to relax, so weekends are my time to hang out and relax and sometimes you just want to be with your SO alone. I would be very annoyed if my SO insisted his brother or sister had to stay with us every weekend as well.

 

You need to compromise on this...it cannot be where your brother is there every weekend. Have him come 2 weekends a month and not back to back maybe. I don't think one has to be from a dysfunctional family in order to want some space sometimes. Every weekend is excessive IMO.

[SpiralOut]

As for a compromise of every other weekend; my brother doesn't want that, neither do I.

 

.

 

In that case, is it possible for you to move out? I am confused about why your brother's opinion matters. It is not his apartment. It is you and your boyfriend who live there. It is you and your boyfriend who decide the rules. What matters is what your boyfriend wants and what you want. If the two of you can't compromise, it might be better if you don't live together anymore.

 

You can put your brother first if you want, but there are consequences to doing that.

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to meet your boyfriend in the middle if you care about the relationship. What's wrong with every other week?

[gaius]

I don't think I would enjoy sitting around watching some other guy emotionally cuckolding me, even if he was my girlfriends brother. So I don't blame your boyfriend for leaving you two alone whenever the brother is over. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean there can't be an inappropriate dynamic going on. The bro/sis relationship might have more of a sexual taint than you realize. For both of you.

[MissBee]

I don't think I would enjoy sitting around watching some other guy emotionally cuckolding me, even if he was my girlfriends brother. So I don't blame your boyfriend for leaving you two alone whenever the brother is over. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean there can't be an inappropriate dynamic going on. The bro/sis relationship might have more of a sexual taint than you realize. For both of you.

 

While I don't know about the sexual taint, I will say that family members can have inappropriate ways of interacting or no boundaries with each other. Example: momma's boys who are overly attached to their mom, to the point that it affects their relationship with their SOs as they have no boundaries with her and that relationship is overdeveloped and infringes upon their romantic relationship.

 

All relationships need proper boundaries. I do think this one seems like it has none and most people would feel it excessive and uncomfortable that their significant other's sibling must come stay with them every single weekend. My sister is my bestfriend but NO WAY if I live with my guy is she coming every weekend to stay. One weekend a month maybe, but come on...every weekend? I also love my space, so I understand that sometimes you don't want other people in your space all the time, so it is inconsiderate to expect your bf to have to relinquish his space every weekend to your brother. I had a roommate where we fell out, because although I was very accommodating and her bf and I were cool and were friends before they dated, she had him sleeping over EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND in our 1 bedroom dorm apartment! With no care or concern to the fact that sometimes I didn't want to come home to some guy in my space. Some weekends we had parties and friends over and some weekends I just wanted to be alone, peace and quiet and not have to entertain or have guests.

[swenann991]

it is natural that he wants some or all weekends to spend with you.

Best solution is to spend every 2nd weekend with brother (not every)

[Silly_Girl]

I honestly see little scope for compromise other than every other weekend. You never know, it may do you both good. I know it's not what you want to hear...

[JenniC]

I honestly see little scope for compromise other than every other weekend. You never know, it may do you both good. I know it's not what you want to hear...

 

I do understand where you guys are coming from on the compromise front. However, it's hard for me, because I hadn't wanted to move to begin with. I'm doing it for the relationship. I don't think it's fair that my boyfriend gets all that, yet I can't have what's important to me, too.

 

As for the sexual side of things, as mentioned by others; my brother doesn't go for girls, so that's hardly an issue. I've never left home before, and I honestly think it's fair that I ask for leeway and comfort for the first 6 months, at least. My boyfriend is somewhat antisocial as it is, and I think that's more the problem than him not liking me having my brother around. He's like this with everyone, and renowned for playing the victim. I chose to do this with that in mind, because he realy is a good man. He's not a kid with issues - he's 28. I just didn't realise that this antiocial nonsense would include my brother.

Edited August 12, 2013 by JenniC

[SpiralOut]

I do understand where you guys are coming from on the compromise front. However, it's hard for me, because I hadn't wanted to move to begin with. I'm doing it for the relationship. I don't think it's fair that my boyfriend gets all that, yet I can't have what's important to me, too.

 

.

 

So you are feeling resentful. That's understandable, but I don't think it's fair to take it out on your boyfriend by doing things that make him feel uncomfortable and not stopping it when he asks you to. Nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to move in with him. Does he know that you never wanted to move? Does he know how you feel?

[melodymatters]

A couple relationship is between TWO people. That is the expectation and the norm. I would NOT be ok with ANY family member coming over every weekend.

 

If you can't compromise on every other weekend, then perhaps you should NOT move out at all. Go see your BF every weekend and spend the rest of the week with your brother. Actually I'm guessing you might have a problem leaving your brother even for the weekend. While i'm not judging, this is NOT the norm, and will likely cause problems in every relationship you have after this as well.

 

We can't have our cake and eat it too. I am with your BF on this one. Good luck making the right decision for you and your relationship.

[JenniC]

My boyfriend and I have started to make compromises. One day through the week for visits, and one day of a weekend, as long as it's not set in stone and he gets to have first warning, and dibs on the specific day.

 

I feel a lot better.

 

I just hope this works out. I know it may all sound so weird to you guys, but my family and I went through a lot of s***, and we're really close. Mum left, amazing dad, etc.

 

Anyway, do you have any tips on how to deal with this transition? It's a huge change for me, and I really do need some outside advice on how to deal with the lifestyle change. Even advice on living together would be beyond amazing.

 

And yes, he knew I didn't want to move. He knew that I was doing this for our relationship, because I value it, and truly do want a life with him. I can't imagine being with someone else, even if they did want to stay in my city.

Edited August 14, 2013 by JenniC

[Els]

As for a compromise of every other weekend; my brother doesn't want that, neither do I.

 

 

My brother is my rock. He's supported me through thick and thin. My boyfriend seems to almost try to compete. I'm never trying to make a division. If I'm marrying him, I want to him to be -part- of us. Not to bugger off and read when my brother is around, and deliberately isolate himself.

 

Uhhh.. okay.

 

I know your brother means a lot to you, but every single weekend without compromise is a HUGE stretch. I don't know too many boyfriends who'd be okay with that, and I come from a culture where frequent interaction with extended family is common.

 

Family (and friends) are important, but that doesn't mean they have to be omnipresent. In fact, IMO family and friends who do care about you, want you to move on with your life instead of holding you back. And really, eventually your brother will want to have a girlfriend too. How do you think his girlfriend will feel about you two spending all weekend together every weekend?

 

The fact that your bf put up with it for 2 years says a lot to me about how tolerant he is. I hope you don't take that for granted.

 

Edit: Okay, I just read your last post. Honestly, it gives me the heeby-jeebies and is just screaming "Way too much!!!!" at me, but as long as it works for you two... it's worth a shot. Just be sure that he's really okay with this and isn't building resentment from it.

[MissBee]

I do understand where you guys are coming from on the compromise front. However, it's hard for me, because I hadn't wanted to move to begin with. I'm doing it for the relationship. I don't think it's fair that my boyfriend gets all that, yet I can't have what's important to me, too.

 

As for the sexual side of things, as mentioned by others; my brother doesn't go for girls, so that's hardly an issue. I've never left home before, and I honestly think it's fair that I ask for leeway and comfort for the first 6 months, at least. My boyfriend is somewhat antisocial as it is, and I think that's more the problem than him not liking me having my brother around. He's like this with everyone, and renowned for playing the victim. I chose to do this with that in mind, because he realy is a good man. He's not a kid with issues - he's 28. I just didn't realise that this antiocial nonsense would include my brother.

 

JenniC...you chose to move with your boyfriend. You didn't have to. Both of you are adults and it is weird that an adult needs to see their little brother all weekend, every weekend when they live with a partner IMO.

 

Will your life be fundamentally affected if you only see him two weekends versus every weekend? I'm seriously asking. It's weird that comfort for you is to have your brother live with you and your boyfriend every weekend.

 

Also, if you know your bf is antisocial, why are you acting surprised now? Some people are more introverted and like their own space. This is not a crime. It seems more inconsiderate to KNOW your bf is this way and then insist on doing things to make him feel uncomfortable. I get you wanting to see your brother, but I cannot fathom why it is every single weekend for 6 months he has to come stay over and why it cant be every other. Your bf is antisocial one one end and you're overly dependent on emotional support from your brother on the other end.

[JenniC]

What I don't think people are getting here, is that the distance between cities is the problem. If we lived in the same city, I'd see him a few hours every few days for coffee, a drink, food, etc.and that would be that. The distance makes that impossible. Hence, we can only make that time up in a block.

 

People have nights with their best friend - girls night, guys night; so why is it so weird that I want that night with my best friend, who just so happens to be my brother? If this post stated that my boyfriend wasn't allowing me a night with my best girl friend, then I'm sure the replies would be different.

[Els]

Jenni, I don't personally believe in having girls-nights-out two days a week, every week, in a committed live-in relationship. But that aside...

 

I don't think you seem ready to leave home for this man, frankly. Most of us know that when we move, that means seeing the people we leave behind less often. It doesn't mean that they should come stay with us twice a week every week to make up for that.

 

If you aren't ready to cope with that, then perhaps best to not go ahead with the move. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to do so. You have a right to your own happiness too.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Do we know for sure that the boyfriend isn't homophobic ?? And whether that is the problem here, rather than more typical demands guys try to make on their girlfriends??

 

 

Siblings who were home schooled are likely to have a far different dynamic than that which is known to the rest of us. While it might not be entirely healthy, it remains the possible effect of the well-intended cause that is home-schooling.

 

 

Perhaps in the same way that we sometimes show higher regard for social oddities resulting from some having been previously victimized by sexual/abusive predators, it may make sense to appreciate this described fraternal relationship as having been in large part the product of the home schooling.

 

While I too don't sense that the brother needs to be around every week, I don't see any serious threat to the relationship in the person of the brother.

 

And this could be the rare scenario where a woman's male 'best friend' isn't in reality someone who sees himself as being in-line for her romantic affections.

 

Yet perhaps the boyfriend has been previously dragged through the ringer with similar male personalities lingering about in the world of his female partners under the guise of 'friendship'.

 

 

It just... might not be anybody's fault.

[Silly_Girl]

Jemni, I get where you're coming from, and I feel for you. I'm a little worried that you and your boyfriend aren't as compatible as you would like and your brother is helping to camouflage the issue. If your brother were to find a love of his own tomorrow, how do you think the dynamic would be between you and your boyfriend?

[clia]

I don't think I know anyone who wouldn't be annoyed with having a house guest every single weekend. Do you really not see at all where your boyfriend is coming from?