The pain that comes with discovery

[madmax87]

Well, I imagine many of you have seen my posts regarding my breakup. I've wanted her back, I've gone NC after making a pathetic fool of myself, and so on and so forth.

 

The truth is, I never stood a chance with this girl. I knew I was something of a rebound, but I really had no idea just how much of a stranglehold her ex had on her psyche. Really. I (like an idiot searched out and) came across her "private" blog (as if that sort of thing exists), and she was haunted by him through our entire relationship. The night I asked her if she wanted to be a couple officially, she posted "I don't know why I want to run." The whole time she was with me she was combatting feelings for him. Posts about being doomed to live in the city without him and all that. Jesus. This hit hard.

 

During what I thought was our height, she posted that she knew what she had (me, us) was good and good for her and it "registers somewhere." She claimed that she saw it in pictures but didn't feel it when she was there with me. Instead, she claimed, she was angry and impatient. She claimed that she could have settled (with me), but settling made her hair stand on end. She went on to say how the "absconding of self" and lack of enthusiasm for a long life, much less one with another person played a role. Oh yeah, this post was TWO MONTHS before she dumped me.

 

It bothers me that she went into this thing knowing that she was still consumed by him. Granted, I don't think she was set to break my heart, but still! I am also pained by the fact that she suffered in silence. I never wanted to take anyone hostage.

[Heysimon]

Sounds like she was never really with you 100% Run dont walk away from this one...Even if you did get back with her you would be doomed!!

[madmax87]

I know. This isn't the first time it's happened to me. I'm devastated.

[Brokenheart25]

I feel your pain. I am in the exact same situation as you. I dated my ex for nearly 9 months. She bumped into her ex 2 months into our relationship and since then she has been completely different. She was never over her ex. When she broke up with me she said she loved her ex the most, and that she does not love me anymore. So the whole time being with her she said she loved me, but I just did not feel it. It seemed like she was with me, but her soul was somewhere else. I know it is hard. But you just have to be stronger. I did nothing wrong, treated her like a princess.

Just go into no contact and leave her alone. This will help you heal.

[Heysimon]

Ive been devastated maybe 5 or 6 times in my lifetime from relationships... hell I am devastated right now.. You will look back someday and laugh about this, actually make jokes to friends about this, trust me....

[madmax87]

I drafted a letter I do not intend to send. The sort of thing for myself, really.

 

K,

 

I saw the blog. It was honest. I knew I was a rebound. I knew you were still a bit haunted by X, but I had no concept of the severity of it. I didn’t know he had such a stranglehold on your psyche through our entire relationship. You strung me along for the better part of a year. Maybe you hoped the rebound that I was would have grown into something more. I know I did.

 

The night I asked you out, officially, you posted “I don’t know why I want to run.” Why’d you say “yes” in the first place, then? Don’t agree to something you don’t want. You should have used me enough to help you move into the city, then said “I’m not feeling this.” I could’ve provided the summer rebound for you and a bit of help with your move. Win-win for you. I thought you’d have a better handle on selfishness.

 

Christ, to think I poured my all into someone who couldn’t return any of it. I suppose you enjoyed your time with me. I know you saw the good in me. I suspect you wanted to feel something for me, but just couldn’t. I felt validated by you, goddamn it, and it was based on nothing.

 

There came a point where I thought you could return my feelings. In ****ing February you posted how you knew what we had was good and good for you, but you were angry and impatient. You made claims that it wasn’t just X’s absence that kept you from committing to me, but also a fear of the loss of self that comes with commitment to someone else and all that. As if a healthy partnership was a problem? Y’know, you’re a child with all your free-spirited stupidity. That was two months before you dumped me. Why, why did we drag it out?

 

You said that if I found the blog at the time it would have ruined everything. No, it would’ve allowed for a clean finish. You knew then that, as good as our relationship was, you were unhappy. If I had read it then, I could’ve been upset and left you alone forever to obsess over X until the next negligent ****er with a guitar cured you.

 

That bastard took your mind hostage with his distance and negligence, but you chose to interpret my love as a prison sentence.

 

-M

[Chi townD]

First off, you never "held anyone hostage". She was with you by choice. It was her fault for getting involved with you while she was still hung up on someone else. That wasn't fair to you.

 

So, lessons learned and time to move on. None of this was your fault.

[Joaquin]

Will it make it easier to finally let go of her when u have the truth?

 

Imagine banging yr head against the wall ( well thats what it felt like for me) for another year or more trying to make it work with someone who was never available to u.

 

Emotional deceit, such as hers, is an awful experience, and I hope u feel better soon.

[madmax87]

Like an idiot, I used words from her blog in my gchat window. I guess I wanted her to see that I discovered the blog. Well, she responded by posting on said blog. She said that she gets that I'm mad, and I have every reason to be. She apologized for a lack of transparency/communication, but can't apologize for something she didn't do, which I imagine refers to not loving me. She can't apologize for not loving me. She's right.

 

 

I wasn't asking for or expecting an apology. Well, not consciously.

 

I have no idea what I feel right now. Will the truth make letting go any easier? Will I no longer bang my head against the wall? Maybe. I don't know. I still feel the need to defend her, to protect her in my conversations about her. I can't vilify her because she did nothing wrong other than fail to truly speak her mind with me. She never spoke in present tense when she referred to "going crazy" and "losing herself" over her ex. It was always "I lost myself," and "I went crazy." I knew he haunted her some, but I had no reason to believe it was it was an ongoing, severe problem.

 

 

Something tells me she went into a relationship and maintained one with me because she did like me, and really did want it to work. Something about this hurts, but I don't know what.

[Joaquin]

Listen to the song First cut is the deepest by Cat Stevens, also covered by Sheryl Crow.

 

Maybe she really liked u and thought by spending time with u she could move on from the ex and love u fully, but her heart was so broken she was just not ready.

 

Still if she was never honest with u about where her head was at when she met u its not fair, but its probably on u not to lose yourself in someone until she SHOWS she is on the same page.

 

chin up mate.

[madmax87]

I didn't throw myself at her. It took a little while for me to drop the love bomb, and even then I was cautious. I saw her gradually open up to me, gradually give herself to me too. There came a point where I really did think we were on the same page. And maybe that's just it. The point where started to return my feelings was followed, shortly, by the realization that she couldn't give herself to anyone. The night before the breakup she posted that she couldn't give herself to anyone, there's nothing to give. The breakup itself was preceded by a post that alluded to losing balance and taking someone with you. That is to say, she knew she was unsure and felt guilty for dragging me with her.

 

So what to do now? I broke NC by putting it out there that I knew about the blog. Should I just resume it and try to heal? Someone told me that I could go about healing one of two ways: trying to get closure through a call or two for certain answers (why'd we bother in the first place, why didn't we break up sooner if she was unhappy, things like that) or just resuming NC with the idea that when she makes contact I'll have felt better.

[Joaquin]

Maybe u need to just accept she wasnt available for what u wanted.

 

There is a guy in this forum called ninjainpyjamas who is quite good in the way he posts about this sort of situation. Take a look at some of his comments. Whilst perhaps tough reading if on the receiving end his posts are very balanced and thoughtful.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Joaquin

[madmax87]

I think that's just it. She wasn't available emotionally. She went into it with me with the best of intentions, hoping to not only get over her ex but move forward into something good and healthy. That's why she claimed that she didn't want me to see it. That it'd ruin everything. I suspect she hoped that maybe I'd be less emotionally demanding and or/ she'd be able to open up more. Who knows for sure? I don't want more answers, though. I have enough. I'll live. One of the good things about this discovery is it relieves me of so much of the self-imposed burden of responsibility I took with the breakup. I felt like I messed up somewhere. I might've been emotionally needy and neurotic, but this discovery made it clear that she was in a bad spot herself, that she simply couldn't give herself to me, though she may have wanted to. I'll be okay.

[madmax87]

Well, I say I'll be okay but then I end up thinking about her and posting on this forum again and again.

 

I suppose I broke NC through this blog and subsequent passive-aggressive quoting of said blog maneuver.

 

 

I have never wanted a second chance with anyone. Any other relationship that ended hurt, but I didn't want to give them a second go. I would absolutely date this girl again, given the chance. Even after finding all of this out. If I somehow knew that she could open up to me and was no longer haunted by men of the past, I would totally do it again. I don't regret a single second I spent with her.

 

Four months later, it hurts less, and I'm starting to forget elements of the relationship. I suppose that's a sign of healing. There's that feeling though, that if you release the pain, if you free yourself of it, she's gone for good.

 

 

I don't know what to do other than slip back into NC.

[crederer]

Hey man. That sucks. I think it's important to understand that it really had nothing to do with you. It's not a slight against you, she's just hung up on someone else. If she wasn't hung up on him, it's very likely that she wouldn't have felt like she was "settling" on you. She will feel like she's "settling" on anyone other than her ex.

 

But the timing of it didn't work out and you are just going to have to accept that, as hard as that is.

 

Next time you find out someone is hung up, you should be the one to end the relationship and get out with your dignity in tact. It's a real mental thing. Being the one to dump rather than being dumped has psychological advantages in a situation where the relationship is obviously doomed.

[madmax87]

I find myself revisiting the blog, looking for more hints, more clues. The information should be freeing. So many of you are right: very little of this had to do with me. She even said in her end-of-the-year post, her summary of 2012: I hope not to feel so strongly about anything in 2013. She was preparing herself not to give herself to me or anything in full. It sucks. It sucks because I think we were both aware of the potential we had. I'm not being delusional. I think she could have been happy with me had she not been so damaged by her ex. I wish I knew how to let go. I suppose I could if I was angry, if I'd been wronged. This wasn't emotional deceit on her part. It was emotional uncertainty and confusion. I can't fault her for that. It's been four months (half of our time together) and I'm still aching.

[Coping Vortex]

She may just be confused right now. In your post I am the ex my ex couldn't get over. My ex BU up with me and met a new guy. She was thrilled with him for a few months then started sniffing around me, telling me she was not giving up on us. They I was the one she really wanted. She even met up with me several times we had sex behind his back. She told me she could leave him in an instant and be back with me.

 

She told me she was still in love with me. But you know what.....she never did come back. She is with him still after 9 months. We have gone completely NC a few months ago.

 

Your ex does have feelings with her ex I think its hard not to when you spend so much time with someone. But remember its hard to go back. She could be caught between two worlds right now. She may stay with him but she could come back and realize that in reality she has moved forward. She may need time to get past the old feelings.

 

Sometimes we confuse feelings with "in" love feelings. She has history with him. But as time goes by your history builds up with her (if you are still seeing her) and the history between them diminishes.

 

That being said some people do go back and reconcile with their ex as they find out or confirm they are the right person for them.

 

Time will tell the tale. I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but just give it time and see what happens.

[Chi townD]

Like an idiot, I used words from her blog in my gchat window. I guess I wanted her to see that I discovered the blog. Well, she responded by posting on said blog. She said that she gets that I'm mad, and I have every reason to be. She apologized for a lack of transparency/communication, but can't apologize for something she didn't do, which I imagine refers to not loving me. She can't apologize for not loving me. She's right.

 

No, she has plenty to apologize for. She could apologize for leading you on (and she did, it was only when you saw her blog; that's when you discovered her true feelings). She could apologize for hurting you and not just acknowledge that your mad. She could have apologized for breaking your heart. She could have apologized for getting involved with you when she wasn't ready.

 

She had plenty to be sorry for.

[madmax87]

Thank you, and you're right about her not going back to him, just as your ex stayed with her new bf. Mine never betrayed me, never left me for him or anything like that. I'd like to think that my history with her was healthy, despite her lack of full commitment. We're not speaking right now, but I suspect that she'll eventually reach out.