Power Of NC & Is she thinking about me?

[Heysimon]

First off NC works and sometimes too good in my case it actually ruined her life maybe. I will give the truncated version and fill in any questions that are asked.

 

Me and my ex had a really bad fight , it was our first and last to date. We had been seeing each other for 6 months, but we had known each other for 13 years prior and had been kinda together back in 2004 or so, we kept in contact over the years off and on UNTIL and this is where this all gets good!! Until she went to prison for Vehicular Homicide.

She had an accident while intoxicated and a baby died, very sad thing..

 

So I wrote her off while she was in prison and kinda never expected to see her again and really didnt care either way. Well I was one of the first people she contacted when she got out on parole, she said she thought about me all the time while in prison.

I am a photographer and she is a model. So she wanted to restart her career over and wanted to work with me again and we ended up falling deeply madly and passionately in love, both of us head over heels.

 

She had been sober for five years almost and she was living with me for the last 6 months as I am sober and provided a good place to help her get back on her feet and become an honest law abiding citizen...

 

Anyways we got into this fight , alot of it was because her sister I think was jealous and meddling, constantly telling her I was controlling and to leave me, this was before she even had met me or anything.. well like I said she was on parole and had a boatload of things she could n couldnt do and the fact that she needed to stay sober, I felt I was protecting and not controlling her. I did everything for her , she couldnt drive , I took her all over looking for jobs n all the things she needed to do. We were together 24 7 practically, I would take her to jobs with me all the time.

 

So we broke up , I did the beggin and pleading thing and she wouldnt respond back to me... so I went NC,

Two days before the fight she told me she would die without me in her life and that she just didnt love me but was in love with me and that she had only been in love once before..

Well three weeks into no contact she fell apart and you guessed it, started drinking, she had a radio show and I listened to her last episode and she was drunk on set talking about slitting her wrists... I hadnt listened to this episode when it came out because I was in NC with her and this was our only common contact, I didnt know where she was or who she was with, yeah I seen a bunch of photos of her with some guy n having all this fun but I was thinking its all BS, it was wayyyyy too soon to be believable.

 

Ok so back to the drinking thing, in three weeks and 3 days she gets a DWI, now remember what she was in prison for.... she threw away everything , her new relationship with her kids , her job, her radio show... everything... she is now sitting in jail looking at 3 more years in prison..

 

NOW here are my questions

1. Do you think she fell apart because of the break up and NC ( i think she was getting ready to call me) maybe creating a crisis to get me back in her life? I dont want to seem arrogant and state that it was because of the break up.

2. Do you think she is sitting in her cell regretting and thinking about me??

We are still no contact and will stay that way til she contacts me or I could care less...

3. Do you think I should break NC because of the situation and I know she is devastated and ruined her immediate life??

There is more surrounding info but I have written enough...

 

So please tell me your thoughts and really appreciate any input you have for me!!

Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JDPT]

This is certainly one very unique situation. Keep in mind that the bad decisions she made were hers and hers only. If you ask me I don't think the split was the sole culprit for her going back to drinking and ultimately ending up in jail again, but rather a combination of way too many things that she clearly did not mange to handle. It's unfortunate that she is back in jail but you should not feel guilty for her status quo. Its time for you to move on, there is clearly nothing you can do for her and wondering if she is thinking of you or now is completely irrelevant at this point. Focus on yourself and on moving forward with your life. As harsh as it may sound due to her current situation, you should initiate NC immediately. There are certain times in life when you need to do what's best for you and you only and clearly this is one of them.

[Heysimon]

Thank You JDPT for your input I really appreciate it and dont think it is harsh at all, I just feel bad for her , I could help her out actually if she reached out, I am in NC and have been for over a month now.. I do feel guilty but do also know that her decisions are her decisions. I told her son before me n her broke up "I love you mom deeply and you are gonna here what an azzhole I am and such, but remember I have her best interest in mind and she isnt in jail" I wonder if he regrets me n her breaking up?? Oh I forgot to mention I was DEVASTATED and still am by our break up.... I am also moving on, funny thing is she is in jail about a mile away from me, im just trying to get insight, I know NC is the right thing to do but I also do feel as a human being...

[JDPT]

Clearly you feel and you will have many ups and downs. It will feel as if you are in this emotional rollercoaster with no way of getting off, but eventually you will. I wouldn't focus so much on what others think of what occurred, it's time for you to embark on your recovery process. It appears that you have a lot of guilty inside you that you need to let go. You need to find forgiveness, peace and closure within yourself. Once your start letting go of guilt you will leave room for more emotions to sort out. Take it a day at a time, don't be so hard on yourself and move forward never looking back.

[reddragon588]

The breakup may have been a trigger for alcohol problem, but the decisions she made were hers and hers alone. Just because she felt a trigger to drink does not mean she has to act on it. The decision to drink, and especially to drink and drive, are hers and hers alone.

 

Honestly, you should think about cutting her out of your life for good. She is making too many bad choices. You did an amazing thing trying so hard to help her straighten out her ways and get on the right path. She decided that she was not ready to get on that path. Alcoholics cannot move past the issue until they themselves decide they are ready to completely commit to doing that. Sobriety is like a relationship and requires the same level of commitment. If she can't commit to sobriety she can't commit to you either. You need to let her make the decision to be sober and be with you on her own. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to let the people we love go in situations like this rather than continuing to watch them destroy themselves.

[Heysimon]

Hi and Thank YOU Reddragon, thank you for being a caring human being also!! Here is the thing, I said some really mean things to her during the fight that I know I shouldnt have but you are right she made her own bad choices!!! I think at this point I am feeling more guilt than anything.. But yes I did try hard to get her up oin her feet, she had her sister who is a miserable human being ( she is working with the feds as an informant, tells you the kind of person she is) always trying to drag her down she was with her sister when we broke up, her sister wouldnt bring her back home when she wanted to come back and the funny thing is her sister calls me a control freak?? In the end my ex was convinced I was a control freak... funny tho it only took her 25 days to totally destroy her life, maybe I was not the control freak she thought...

[reddragon588]

Hi and Thank YOU Reddragon, thank you for being a caring human being also!! Here is the thing, I said some really mean things to her during the fight that I know I shouldnt have but you are right she made her own bad choices!!!

 

We all say mean things in fights- I'm sure she did as well! But as much as words can hurt, they can't force you to make bad decisions.

 

Having had some struggles with alcohol myself, my words come from my own experiences. I could not truly make progress until I wanted to do it for myself. I tried before for family and girlfriends but until I decided to make changes- and to make them for myself- I couldn't move forward.

[Heysimon]

Actually she didnt say anything bad to me, she pointed it out when we last talked.... IDK its just time to move on....

[Heysimon]

I have another question, maybe I should start a new post to get a response. Why is it that the dumper in a relationship has the role of going off and having fun being in control of themselves and the dumpee sinks into this abyss of sadness, grief and mourning.... I mean if I had broken up with her two days before would the roles be reversed?? We had a spontaneous blow out that ended the relationship. Does the dumper ever go into this mode of grief and sadness....

[JDPT]

This is my theory: the dumper has time to sit back plan, plot and execute. Their minds are prepared and determined to implement their intentions. On the other hand the dumpee is caught off guard and perhaps ambushed by the dumper's decisions and actions. This in return leaves the dumpee with unanswered questions, mixed emotions, sense of worthlessness. It's evident that the dumper has the "upper hand" in this scenario. The reality is this, whether you are the dumper or dumpee you both still go through the grieving process and that not a lot of people can get away from. It may be easier for the dumper or it maybe be easier for the dumpee it's all situational. The dumpee feels as if they are one step behind the dumper, however, the only journey you need to walk is your own now. This is your time to improve yourself and make things work in your favor. One of my issues was and perhaps still is that I was too concern with my ex and how "successful" in life I believe she is and that this is a race with her being so ahead of me never giving me the opportunity to catch up. However, I need to understand that the race is with myself and no one else, I have absolutely nothing to prove to her, I do this for me, I'm a better man for me because at the end of the day that will all project on all the people that truly matter (family) in my life and clearly my ex is not one of them. So many plans, so many projects that I will now be able to accomplish as I'm a free agent and truth is I like it that way.

[Heysimon]

It just puzzles me, given the fact she is sitting in jail looking at another 3 years in prison, I guess I just sooo want her to express regret, I mean 5 weeks ago she had a man that loved her and did everything for her , helped get up on her feet , helped her put her family back together, she had 10k in her pocket (lol maybe that was the reason) and today she sits in jail....I mean you would think any decent sort of person would at least admit they made a mistake or something. See I was the one who originally broke up with or started the fight, I did regret my actions to her but she flipped the situation on me and broke up with me... I just feel sooo bad for now because she isnt expressing any kind of regret..all she has time to do now is think how she got back into jail and it wasnt because of my controlling ways... argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I hate love lol

[JDPT]

I highly doubt apologizing is currently in her to do list. There is no need to put effort towards trying to find answers or rationalize the irrational. Focus on yourself and not on fictitious scenarios you generate in your mind. You are the only thing that matters at this point.

[Heysimon]

Thank You JDPT!!! I just need a reality check, maybe trying to find a reason to break NC, im not going to tho... I am getting better and breaking down less and am starting to look at the ENTIRE relationship and just not the romanticized version in my head.... Have you ever seen the Movie "When a Man Loves a Woman" she made me watch it with her twice so that I would get the message.. lol life imitating art.. ok back to reality!! Thank you JDPT and I super appreciate your help and insight!!

[JDPT]

You go it. We are all on the same boat and here for each other.

[Heysimon]

This is my theory: the dumper has time to sit back plan, plot and execute. Their minds are prepared and determined to implement their intentions. On the other hand the dumpee is caught off guard and perhaps ambushed by the dumper's decisions and actions. This in return leaves the dumpee with unanswered questions, mixed emotions, sense of worthlessness. It's evident that the dumper has the "upper hand" in this scenario. The reality is this, whether you are the dumper or dumpee you both still go through the grieving process and that not a lot of people can get away from. It may be easier for the dumper or it maybe be easier for the dumpee it's all situational. The dumpee feels as if they are one step behind the dumper, however, the only journey you need to walk is your own now. This is your time to improve yourself and make things work in your favor. One of my issues was and perhaps still is that I was too concern with my ex and how "successful" in life I believe she is and that this is a race with her being so ahead of me never giving me the opportunity to catch up. However, I need to understand that the race is with myself and no one else, I have absolutely nothing to prove to her, I do this for me, I'm a better man for me because at the end of the day that will all project on all the people that truly matter (family) in my life and clearly my ex is not one of them. So many plans, so many projects that I will now be able to accomplish as I'm a free agent and truth is I like it that way.

 

This is a great answer to my question!! Thank You for taking the time to reply, this seriously helped me alot!!

[JDPT]

No problem, we are all here for each other.

[Heysimon]

Lately I have been feeling soooo guilty... I am thinking of breaking NC so I will post here instead and see if I can get some opinions...

[Heysimon]

An update... Life is soooo strange, here is another post that should be a new thread.. but it is about the power of NC , sooo if you read my original post about NC here is kind of an add on to it and this story goes to show you that you NEVER know what they are thinking and as long as the both of you are alive there is ALWAYS A CHANCE to get back together , whether you want to or not when they return is a totally different post

 

So while I am in NC with the current ex, my former ex from about a year or so ago that I was in NC with contacts me... now this is a woman whom I thought totally brushed me off and could care less whether I was breathing or not, we loved eachother but not in love if you know what I mean... anyways she wanted to see me so I agreed .

 

When we meet she breaks down and tells me she was sooo heartbroken over us and that she cried every day for months and just didnt know what to do ,funny because she broke it off with me.

then she played this song for me on her phone that she said she listened to all the time because it reminded her of me, James blunt Goodbye My Lover OMG if you have never heard that song or the lyrics,, google it and listen to it now!! Stop reading this and youtube it lol..

 

ok This is an amazingly gorgeous woman ,she was in Playboy several times , (the magazine not the website and no lol im not bragging.. ok maybe a lil bit ....) and could have any man she wanted rich, handsome, .. whatever and she was stuck on me for months actually a year.

 

This gorgeous woman was begging me back, so surreal... anyways we were once in love so there were still some feelings there and the next thing you know we are having amazing rock/porn star sex all over the house lol it was like a spontaneous combustion of passion...

 

So I bet you are thinking im head over heels with her again .... nope, all it did was made me realize if this woman was soooo messed up about the ending of our relationship then the current ex MUST be too and is just hiding her emotions until she sorts them out... she has lots of time to think since she is in jail.....

 

Either way tho I keep moving forward... NC will work , if your love was good and real it will work.. if you didnt abuse her/him or cheat on them YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A CHANCE as long as you both are alive...Thank You for reading....

[templeofmax]

So you are leaving the playboy girl again to wait for the other one in prison? Each woman is different, so you may end up with none.

[Heysimon]

I'm sticking with the Playboy girl since I am still in NC with the Prison girl lol its a beyatch tho lol knowing you are being ignored by somebody sitting in the pokey.. the prison girl did work with Playboy also just not in the magazine... so she is a lil hottie too a stubborn lil hottie, she will come around eventually, I was way nice to her and she will relaize that in time, I am sure she is still in shock over losing everything... life is so strange tho.

[Heysimon]

Update, Welllllllllllllllllll finally I got a letter from her... she said she was sorry and said I was right about everything and lol wanted to know why I let her go..WTF she wouldnt return my calls or text maybe thats why?? Hmmmm what to do what to do??? She is going to be in jail for a while, til at least May 2014......