Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 "wonder how far he would've gone, had you NOT caught him" That's another problem..., wish I woulda kicked him out the second time but I wasn't strong enough...,,
findingnemo Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 You can still leave him, katie. One A is one thing. Two? That's another story. Why did you stay with him? Why is he worth it?
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 "wonder how far he would've gone, had you NOT caught him" That's another problem..., wish I woulda kicked him out the second time but I wasn't strong enough...,, Another stellar reason to assert yourself now, in a small way, by assigning him a project that will be beneficial to your healing. Even if at some point you do decide to leave him- you are going to have to assert your needs to do that so might as well start practicing. And if you stay, asserting your needs in a productive, healthy way is beneficial for the long term health of M. Win win I didn't say request this time- that was what was wrong with my idea this morning. It's not a request. It's an assignment. Like when your want your child to cut the lawn. Kid- go cut the lawn. Please and thank you. No, you don't have to do it right now. Get it done before tomorrow night. Not- Kid- will you cut the lawn? He found plenty of time to have an affair, he can find 30 minutes to type out a few paragraphs on a word document. Just assume he's going to do it, and tell him in a nice way what his assignment is and when you need it by, and if he says anything besides, of course- no problem. What exactly do you want me to come up with? A force field? Can you explain a little better so I make sure I do it right? If he says that or something like it- great! If he said anything else, like: I don't have time, that sounds crazy, why do you insist on bringing this up again, etc etc. or is visibly irritated by this request I'd look at him like he just gave birth to a herd of unicorns and I had never in a million years imagined such a reaction. I wouldn't get mad, or cry (if possible), I would just look at him in disbelief until he started talking sense. Maybe if he was really dense and didnt see what I was doing I would prompt him. But not until I looked at him in complete silence for at least a full minute. Just blinking once in awhile. Shaking my head. We have a problem. You heard all about it on the phone when you were with the boys on vacation. I've been trying to deal with our problem on my own. I need help. I'm stuck. I need ideas. Am I asking something unreasonable of you? I don't know you or your personality but that type of thing seems to be effective for me. But I'm not in R so I don't have to be nice if I request information or want to discuss something relevant to our wacked out situation- if he says anything stupid, and if he annoys me or isn't helpful I leave him alone for however long I feel like (days... whatever) and find other more interesting and helpful to my healing activities to do before interacting again.
Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Yes they have spouses and they have been told. When I caught him the second time I thought, he is truly sick. I said I'd file for divorce and left. When I came back he told me to get him a phone and be the administrator of it. Transparency, IC, reading. He changed that time. Although still not enough for me. Things going well now. Just all the other crap I'm dealing with I really like the idea of putting him in charge. Not sure what he'd come up with. And, I have no hesitation in leaving, if I have to....
HopingAgain Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Katie, I agree with the advice to assert yourself and require whatever is needed of him in order to gain back your confidence. Regarding wondering how far he would have gone if not caught...well, that's a question ALL reconciling spouses who caught their WSs cheating have to ask themselves and make peace with. I think as time goes by and your WH shows you his sincerity you will naturally start to feel better.
Author katielee Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Here's what hurt so much: I didn't even see her face, but I saw that she had a new car, a car nicer than I would ever drive... I remember him telling me that she likes expensive clothes, expensive food, high heels and that her mom gives her a lot of money every year... And here I am taking one for the team - I drive, and am proud to drive, a 10 year old car. We live way beneath our means and I'm proud of that. It kills me that while I was doing this for us, he chose someone like this, like that must be what he wants.... I will tell him all this and how much it hurts.
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