katielee Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I've seen one of the women my husband was involved with several times this summer and i saw one today at the store. It wrecks about half my day. I don't have that on/off switch some people seem to have. It provokes in me a physical response I can't control and about a half hour later, I'm a wreck. To make matters worse, he is out of town with our sons. I texted him that I saw her and that i was infinitely hotter than she was an expressed my frustration. He apologized, said I was right.... But I just can't talk to him now. We were doing great. And this was our first time apart in two year. And then I see one of them and I'm back to wanting to strangle him. I just can't do this. How do other ppl do this *****?
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I've been in counseling for 1.5 years. I'm doing PTSD treatment. This has been an awful trigger and if it had been me, I would be calling my husband several times, seeing if he was ok, especially being home alone... But, he is vacationing with our sons.
Balzac Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'm sorry it's such a rough gig. I've often read LSers say it takes 5 years.
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'm sorry you saw them that would create a huge setback for me too. I suffer from PTSD and it is challenging for R as it is really hard to control the physical responses sometimes. Maybe you can treat yourself to something nice, go out and watch a movie and distract yourself, maybe even wind down with a bath and tea. Tomorrow will be a new day. I wish you peace (((katielee)))
road Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I've seen one of the women my husband was involved with several times this summer and i saw one today at the store. It wrecks about half my day. I just can't do this. How do other ppl do this *****? This is why after dday the BS and WS move far away from where they live to eliminate the triggers. Also affairs are known to restart when the AP live close by or still works where the WS does. This is why after dday the WS to achieve NC has to find a new job. And why it is strongly suggested that the WS and BS move. This is how people do this. Jobs are not to be placed above a marriage. Same with physical property.
compulsivedancer Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 This is why after dday the BS and WS move far away from where they live to eliminate the triggers. Also affairs are known to restart when the AP live close by or still works where the WS does. This is why after dday the WS to achieve NC has to find a new job. And why it is strongly suggested that the WS and BS move. This is how people do this. Jobs are not to be placed above a marriage. Same with physical property. To me this sounds like placing the affair above one's whole life. If you are a couple that is fine with moving, that's one thing. If your whole life is in one area, it's just silly. I would think it'd be even more disruptive the BS, who's moving away from his/her support system. Leaving a job might be possible, and in fact, sounds like a good idea. Selling your house, getting a new job, learning a new city, leaving family and friends, etc, just sounds like letting the affair win. In extreme cases, it might be necessary, but for the average BS, I imagine it would do more harm than good. 1
ChooseTruth Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 To me this sounds like placing the affair above one's whole life. If you are a couple that is fine with moving, that's one thing. If your whole life is in one area, it's just silly. I would think it'd be even more disruptive the BS, who's moving away from his/her support system. Leaving a job might be possible, and in fact, sounds like a good idea. Selling your house, getting a new job, learning a new city, leaving family and friends, etc, just sounds like letting the affair win. In extreme cases, it might be necessary, but for the average BS, I imagine it would do more harm than good. In my case it would have maybe meaning moving BACK to a support system. I even offered to move to the area where the inlaws 2500 miles away. We moved to the opposite end of the country 10 years before the affair, away from both our families. We don't own a house, it's too expensive up here. In our case, the affair definitely won. Divorce. If we had moved, then maybe it would have turned out differently.
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 To me this sounds like placing the affair above one's whole life. If you are a couple that is fine with moving, that's one thing. If your whole life is in one area, it's just silly. I would think it'd be even more disruptive the BS, who's moving away from his/her support system. Leaving a job might be possible, and in fact, sounds like a good idea. Selling your house, getting a new job, learning a new city, leaving family and friends, etc, just sounds like letting the affair win. In extreme cases, it might be necessary, but for the average BS, I imagine it would do more harm than good. With due respect, I'm not so sure about that. I would have welcomed starting life over elsewhere. It sure would've helped me know that the affair was over. I got no such luxury and suffered hypervigilance and PTSD as a result. My wife's unwillingness to do so just further showed me where my feelings were prioritized. 3
HopingAgain Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 With due respect, I'm not so sure about that. I would have welcomed starting life over elsewhere. It sure would've helped me know that the affair was over. I got no such luxury and suffered hypervigilance and PTSD as a result. My wife's unwillingness to do so just further showed me where my feelings were prioritized. I agree with this. We lived in a different city as AP, a nearby one though. And even 7 months later I get anxiety anytime we are in that city or.
ladydesigner Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I agree with this. We lived in a different city as AP, a nearby one though. And even 7 months later I get anxiety anytime we are in that city or. Yes I get anxiety too. I have GPS on my WH and an occasional VAR every now and then. It would be nice not to have to do this anymore. Maybe moving is the answer.
Author katielee Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 We could move. I would have to push the issue, and it would be for one reason only... I love living here - my job and friends.... He would resent having to give up his great job and would have to work more hours to get to the place he is now - we're about 10 years from retirement. I don't really understand why it bothers me so much. I just don't want to see them, I don't really fear the affairs starting up again. when I see them i think, he chose her/them instead of me. Really he did, they knew about me but I didn't know about them. He told them they were beautiful, took them out to lunch, drinks, etc all around this town... I hate it! I cried several times yesterday. If I see them both the same day I told him I'm leaving.... but, its not really his fault when I see them.... the deed is in the past. The shrapnel from it continues to hit me....
BetrayedH Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 My wife's affair was with her boss. 13 months. She balked at NC when I first said it was a requirement to avoid an immediate file for D. She chsnged her mind the next day but couldn't get herself to quit her job. It's a very large company (over 50k people on-site) so I gave her 90 days for one of them to transfer. She agreed; I lost my mind after about 45 days of them continuing to work together. He did eventually transfer with the 90 days but a lot of damage was done by then. I made a lot of mistakes but I can only imagine how much different it would have been if she had left the job or if we had moved. My anxiety would have been reduced a thousand-fold and my trust in her remorse would have increased exponentially. I waited for a grand gesture that just never came. It's an anecdotal example, of course. But I think it would ring true with a lot of other BSs. I would not see moving as the affair winning. I would have felt like we had won a victory over the affair.
Artie Lang Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) I've seen one of the women my husband was involved with several times this summer and i saw one today at the store. are you saying he's a serial cheater? and you're still with him? good luck with that. Edited August 10, 2013 by Artie Lang
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I agree with this. We lived in a different city as AP, a nearby one though. And even 7 months later I get anxiety anytime we are in that city or. That was my first thought- is there a city nearby that's far enough away to feel different and to avoid random encounters, but close enough to commute to work and still keep in contact with friends? 20 miles maybe?
Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Artie - he's cheated twice - his affairs were within three months of each other. I caught him both times. Don't think he's a serial cheater.... We could move about 20 miles away but everyone shops here and the things to do are here....that's where I see them - shopping, at restaurants, at the pool, running races,etc. I wish I didn't care.... people say, "don't give these women so much power." They already have it.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Artie - he's cheated twice - his affairs were within three months of each other. I caught him both times. Don't think he's a serial cheater.... We could move about 20 miles away but everyone shops here and the things to do are here....that's where I see them - shopping, at restaurants, at the pool, running races,etc. I wish I didn't care.... people say, "don't give these women so much power." They already have it. Moving is sometimes easier said than done. If the logistics are such that the value of staying where you are exceeds the discomfort you feel by seeing theOW's, maybe the answer is to stay put, and vent on LS or to a friend when you do have a run-in until it becomes less painful in time. Hmmm. Lets take a look at your last paragraph. You wish you didn't care You get advice not to "give" the OW's power You feel they already have the power Therefore, that advice doesn't work for you. So we have to find some advice that works for you since you think they already have the power. How can we take the power away from them so you can start to care less? Moving really far away would eliminate seeing them, but is too inconvenient. Plus they would still have the power in your mind- so it's not that you wouldn't care anymore, it would be that you were just not seeing them. So that's out How to take "power" away from fOW's wandering about town willy nilly? This is a hard question. Has anyone had any successful strategies for doing this? Little tricks or techniques? You also said you were in treatment for PTSD? Has your therapist recommended any coping strategies for dealing with this OW issue?
Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 my therapist has said that as I get stronger and more confident about myself, that these women won't matter... and that in time, it may not matter as much. I just don't see that happening.... I am fairly confident. I just don't ever want to be reminded what my husband did . I know it happened but it is traumatizing when you are going about your life, shopping, out with friends, and it's shoved in my face again when I'm trying to enjoy myself.... that's not right. So I either move to avoid them and have upheaval in my life, or deal with it when I do see them by having a crappy day - and hope it's not a death by 1000 cuts. Nice life....
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 my therapist has said that as I get stronger and more confident about myself, that these women won't matter... and that in time, it may not matter as much. I just don't see that happening.... I am fairly confident. I just don't ever want to be reminded what my husband did . I know it happened but it is traumatizing when you are going about your life, shopping, out with friends, and it's shoved in my face again when I'm trying to enjoy myself.... that's not right. So I either move to avoid them and have upheaval in my life, or deal with it when I do see them by having a crappy day - and hope it's not a death by 1000 cuts. Nice life.... "Time heals all wounds", right? Not much help in the meantime... When you saw her yesterday-Was it a panic feeling? Anger? Sad? Fear? Resentment? Name off as many feelings as you can- I know it ruined your day yesterday I'm sorry I don't want to ruin your day today by making you think about it, I'm just thinking of making a strategy, like a shield or a force field you can bring out next time this happens, if you think that might help.
Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Better: thank you for your responses and ideas.... I felt all of that... sadness, mostly, that he actually did that. Resentment, that I have to live in the same town as them.... resentment, that I have to come up with a plan to deal with this, when I shouldn't have to DEAL with anything... I hate it that he is worth it. Hate it hate it hate it.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Better: thank you for your responses and ideas.... I felt all of that... sadness, mostly, that he actually did that. Resentment, that I have to live in the same town as them.... resentment, that I have to come up with a plan to deal with this, when I shouldn't have to DEAL with anything... I hate it that he is worth it. Hate it hate it hate it. So really, most of the bad feelings are directed at H, not the fOW's- (therefore they have zero power- they are faceless, nameless and insignificant). He is the one with the "power" (I had some pretty strong irrational feelings for an OW-I still see her at the gym sometimes) My first thought is give H a homework assignment. Have HIM come up with 3 ideas for shields/force fields to combat this particular situation. He can make an appointment and work with your therapist to write them out. Then you can choose the one that you like, if you think any of them are any good. If none of them are good, he can revise them. Now you have the power. I don't know if that is too drastic for keeping the peace in R?- if it is we can think of something less time consuming. I just like the idea of delegating the problem to him to solve.
ComingInHot Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I sometimes think that moving 633 miles away played a Huge role in us (me) being able to R. Three years later, we are movin back but Not to the same little town. Something just around the corner though and zero triggers* I'm actually excited to go back home!
Author katielee Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Love the delegating thing. He'd just say remember how much I love you and that you are the only one for me... Barf
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Love the delegating thing. He'd just say remember how much I love you and that you are the only one for me... Barf Yes, Barf! That is useless, what you will be remembering is him cheating when you see them. Unhelpful. Ok, motive isn't to start a fight. So we have anticipated his response to the request. An unhelpful sentence that he probably thinks is comforting to you. At least we don't think he would say something nasty or tell you to get over it already and roll his eyes. So there is a bright side- seems like he cares and wants you to feel better but might not say the right thing? We need a more specific request. Like an essay question. Would he take it more seriously if your therapist emailed it to him and have him an assignment with a deadline? Are you in MC?
Artie Lang Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Artie - he's cheated twice - his affairs were within three months of each other. I caught him both times. Don't think he's a serial cheater.... i see. sounds like he went on cheating "bender" there. wonder how far he would've gone, had you NOT caught him. like i said..... GOOD LUCK.
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