anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Going for counselling is a positive thing to do. It is not at all pathetic and if a counsellor makes you feel that way, they are a cr*p counsellor and you should get another one. As for hurting others and not being bothered.... If you mean the MOM, well he is just not worth your time. You will never get him figured out and you should really try to stop spending your time and energy thinking about him. Focus on yourself and your family - that will also help you to get through this. You do need to keep yourself active and doing things that give you satisfaction and stability. Healing is going to take you a long time. There is no easy way out. But you need to focus the attention where it should be. Away from MOM and on to yourself and your husband.
Lady2163 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 People go to counseling for a variety of reasons. Yours is not pathetic. It may give you some coping skills to prevent another EA, avoid a PA and help you communicate better with your husband. I'm assuming you mean how can people (men) be kind of jerky in their dealings with women in situations like this? I can't speak for men, or your mm, but sometimes people are more misanthropic than we realize. Some people love to manipulate others and leave them twisting and in pain. It makes them feel good to "get over" on someone. The person who may present themselves as a nice, caring person may be a puppet master. Since your husband doesn't know, he's not upset...that's why I made the assumption. Side note: one time I had a guy who just thoroughly pampered me, spoiled me, charmed me. I was hooked. We had sex a few times and then he dumped me. I was devastated. I groused to a male acquatnce, "why me? I'm a nice person. I'm sweet, generous, kind, etc. if he wanted to mess with someone's head, why not go after the town slut or someone more of his ilk?" My friend said, "Because they're easy, theres no challenge to get them to fall in love with you."
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Anne did you have any questions you wanted answered sort of like a closure thing?
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Lady how did you move on from that if you were devastated?
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Anne did you have any questions you wanted answered sort of like a closure thing? Of course I did but I had to let go of that if I was going to move on. The counselling helped me do that. Just a thought - just because your husband doesn't know, it does not mean he is not hurting. When my H found out about my affair, one of the things he said was he had wondered why it (i.e. our marriage) had been so hard. My affair was hurting him even though he did not know about it. 1
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Of course I did but I had to let go of that if I was going to move on. The counselling helped me do that. Just a thought - just because your husband doesn't know, it does not mean he is not hurting. When my H found out about my affair, one of the things he said was he had wondered why it (i.e. our marriage) had been so hard. My affair was hurting him even though he did not know about it. So you never had your answers? Oh honestly, I know I'm useless and gutless, but I'm done with the OM. He will not contact me again and I won't I've got nothing at all to say. I asked him how can this not bother you at all And why are you heartless he said its the way I am. But I'm not getting further involved with him. We've said all there is now to say. He kissed me and decided he didn't want to talk to me again ( which is the best thing he could have done because I was back in it again) although before that I wanted to end it. My hubby and his wife are friendly though and they're trying to arrange a BBQ for bank holiday I want some time and distance now and I've tried to make a load of excuses so far but he's not having it said he enjoyed last time. I need to keep away now.
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Betsy You really cannot afford to socialise with this man. Every time you do, it sets you back. In my opinion, the MOM is loving this little game (what a piece of sh*t). The more you socialise, the more chance you get upset, the more chance of your husband and his wife finding out. You have to stop this "friendship" - it is also just so plain cruel and disrespectful to your husband and his wife to continue it. You & the MOM are basically rubbing their noses in your dirt. Just think how you would feel if this was done to you. And :bunny: to getting quotes working 3
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Betsy You really cannot afford to socialise with this man. Every time you do, it sets you back. In my opinion, the MOM is loving this little game (what a piece of sh*t). The more you socialise, the more chance you get upset, the more chance of your husband and his wife finding out. You have to stop this "friendship" - it is also just so plain cruel and disrespectful to your husband and his wife to continue it. You & the MOM are basically rubbing their noses in your dirt. Just think how you would feel if this was done to you. I'm trying to. I don't want to see them for a long time. I can't see how I can get out of this though I'd have to admit it x Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Why doesn't the OM make an excuse up? Oh no your right he loves it, thinks we can be cool, friends and move on Which I will do in time but not right now.
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) To be honest, I don't think you should see them ever again. You really need to get a grip. If you are not prepared to tell your H the full truth, you are going to have to find some reason for not seeing them. You have to Betsy, you really do. Why doesn't the OM make an excuse up? Oh no your right he loves it, thinks we can be cool, friends and move on Which I will do in time but not right now. NO!!!!!! You can never be friends with this man. I work with the exOM but he is not my friend. Absolutely no personal chat or interaction whatsoever. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
Lady2163 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Lady how did you move on from that if you were devastated? All I did was tread water for 22 months. Had a couple of even worse relationships. We still traveled in a similar social circle. He paraded girlfriend after girlfriend in front of me. He fell in love with a woman who slyly and effectively used him to finally get a ring and wedding date from her longtime boyfriend. He was crushed and even more of a jerk to women. That amused me to an extent to see karma bite back. After 22 months, I moved 1200 miles away. This was before Facebook, cell phones and everybody having email. I essentially disappeared and never had to wait for my phone to ring again. That was a painful relief. I know, doesn't help your situation. It worked in that instance though.
ComingInHot Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Betsy, where are you at with your thought process at this point? You're M. You claim to Lurve your H. You cheated. MOM ended it (if I recall). You... What? -Want him back in A style? -Want your H and M? -Want MOM in legitimate, public relationship? -Want validation that what you two shared was more? Real? Honest? A shakespeare sonnet? -Want the feelings you fed & nurtured to now starve & die? -Want the pain to stop w/out dealing w/the problem? I can understand the pain your choices have caused you and I sincerely hurt for you. But as of today, right now, have you gained any perspective outside your own vision to help you see or understand what you need to do next to get you to the better place you know there is? CIH*
William Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Moderation stopping by to remind members to remain focused on the thread topic and thread starter's current issue and to refrain from cross-talk with and/or about other members and their postings. Any reference to past postings of the thread starter on this topic shall contain a link to the actual posting for clarity or such reference shall be redacted and infracted as off-topic. Thanks for your participation. This thread has been edited. 1
AutumnMoon Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Hey Betsy we seem to be going through a very very similar thing, it's driving me crazy too. I'm starting to get really annoyed but not enough to end it yet, my affair has been physical as well as emotional. Hope you're doing ok!
Lillyfree Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Just a thought - just because your husband doesn't know, it does not mean he is not hurting. When my H found out about my affair, one of the things he said was he had wondered why it (i.e. our marriage) had been so hard. My affair was hurting him even though he did not know about it. exactly. Betsy, after I've told my husband of the A we've talked. a lot. during one of those talks he just looked so broken and said 'i thought you were getting ready to leave me, and i had no idea what i was doing and how to fix it.' you can lie to yourself that what they know doesn't hurt them, but they sense something is wrong, and will go crazy trying to figure out what is happening. that to me is more cruel than being honest. at least that way he will know it isn't anything he has or hasn't done. as for MM, who cares what he thinks and how he feels. you've got more important things to think of now. 2
Author Helen A Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Betsy, where are you at with your thought process at this point? You're M. You claim to Lurve your H. You cheated. MOM ended it (if I recall). You... What? -Want him back in A style? -Want your H and M? -Want MOM in legitimate, public relationship? -Want validation that what you two shared was more? Real? Honest? A shakespeare sonnet? -Want the feelings you fed & nurtured to now starve & die? -Want the pain to stop w/out dealing w/the problem? I can understand the pain your choices have caused you and I sincerely hurt for you. But as of today, right now, have you gained any perspective outside your own vision to help you see or understand what you need to do next to get you to the better place you know there is? CIH* I suppose I didn't want it to end the WAY it did I thought it was cruel just telling me never to mention it again and then just blanking me.
anne1707 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I suppose I didn't want it to end the WAY it did I thought it was cruel just telling me never to mention it again and then just blanking me. How on earth do you expect it to end Betsy? You need to get real and stop romanticising this. You need to blank him if you are to ever get past this. Are you still planning to socialise with him and his wife?
Author Helen A Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Anne I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have total NC unless I confess This is a couple that we have been close to for 12 years and my husband loves them. Oh god that makes it even worse. I am working on limiting it though it's day 5 again NC and I'm feeling better . I haven't text him I think I'll feel so much better as time passes .
anne1707 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 So basically you are now doing absolutely nothing that anybody here has recommended to you. Good luck with that. You're going to need it.
Author Helen A Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Yes I'm doing the NC no tweets no texts no chats. Told you I'd like complete closure and not to see them again but can't see how to get out of that one
anne1707 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 You are not doing NC. You will be spending time with him where boundaries can (and have been) very easily crossed. You have been on LS for two months now and have been given loads of excellent advice which you have chosen to ignore. You were also told what would happen if you ignored that advice. You ignored that too. Yet everything we predicted would happen has happened. What on earth makes you think you can do this by doing nothing? Have you even got that book I recommended?
Owl Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Nothing has changed since the OP first started posting here. She claims to seek advice, but then insists her way is what she is going to do, with complete disregard to the advice she was given. Anne...I think the best bet here is to let her crash and hit rock bottom...and THEN perhaps she might be more open to actually implementing advice. 1
anne1707 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 How would you know Betsy. Your head is stuck too far in the sand.
ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Betsy I can guarantee you that you have not felt crashing yet. DDay will do that for you. Best of luck!
Recommended Posts