Helen A Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Thanks to all that have given me advice here it's been fab. He told me today that it was not a game he will always like me but after Saturday this is really wrong and has to stop now before it goes too far. I told him that I agreed. He said he wanted us to be cool and just forget about everything. That's it. It's officially OVER. Why do I feel so sad ? No more texts not even friendly ones we're done? I know I was doing this anyway and working on my life, but I feel ... Weird. How do you move on now?
Author Helen A Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Why not start by being honest with your husband? How about a little authenticity in your marriage? That should keep you busy. Working on my marriage. Just trying to work on my feelings. You can't choose how you feel
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Thanks to all that have given me advice here it's been fab. He told me today that it was not a game he will always like me but after Saturday this is really wrong and has to stop now before it goes too far. I told him that I agreed. He said he wanted us to be cool and just forget about everything. That's it. It's officially OVER. Why do I feel so sad ? No more texts not even friendly ones we're done? I know I was doing this anyway and working on my life, but I feel ... Weird. How do you move on now? I would get in to see an IC and start working on yourself. Maybe one day you will see why it is important to let your spouse know or get a D whichever direction you choose. You are going to be grieving and your spouse is going to know something is off, how are you going to hide this? Please talk to someone about this to help you get through. A counselor usually is the best route because it isn't biased.
123Sassygirl Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Thanks to all that have given me advice here it's been fab. He told me today that it was not a game he will always like me but after Saturday this is really wrong and has to stop now before it goes too far. I told him that I agreed. He said he wanted us to be cool and just forget about everything. That's it. It's officially OVER. Why do I feel so sad ? No more texts not even friendly ones we're done? I know I was doing this anyway and working on my life, but I feel ... Weird. How do you move on now? I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know that "punch in the gut" feeling you are experiencing right now such a horrid feeling with the finality of it all. I know in time it will get better....at least that is what I keep telling myself....not quite better yet myself.....but it has to get better right??
Lillyfree Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks to all that have given me advice here it's been fab. He told me today that it was not a game he will always like me but after Saturday this is really wrong and has to stop now before it goes too far. I told him that I agreed. He said he wanted us to be cool and just forget about everything. That's it. It's officially OVER. Why do I feel so sad ? No more texts not even friendly ones we're done? I know I was doing this anyway and working on my life, but I feel ... Weird. How do you move on now? you weren't doing anything and you're definitely not working on your life, sorry. your AP is the one that ended it. i truly believe that had he wanted to, you would be knee deep in the affair. i truly feel sorry for your husband. 8
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 ^BINGO! how can you still be "cool" with each other??? have you learned nothing? 1
BrokenPrincess Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 He said he wanted us to be cool and just forget about everything. Ugh. You are WAY more into this guy than he is to you. First those terrible texts where you were basically begging him to like you, now he says he just wants to forget it & be cool. I feel for you Betsy, but it's time to move on and start repairing your real life. I really truly hope you've learned something from time reading posts here to know you can't just end your A, forget it, and be cool. The way you heal and move on is NO CONTACT. No more get togethers, no LC. You have to stick with it, or you will continue to set yourself back to this pain over & over. 1
Author Helen A Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 He isn't worth anything I'm still thinking what I said the other day. Just didnt expect the message. I am on NC - number is removed everything I said. Though you know that you were more into it, he's a loser etc i have to get over this now.
waytogo Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Why not start by being honest with your husband? How about a little authenticity in your marriage? That should keep you busy. Working on my marriage. Just trying to work on my feelings. You can't choose how you feel Betsy, gently I say you can choose how you feel. It may not happen on your first attempt or even the second. It is what you give your true focus. Working on your marriage means you stop thoughts of OM and think of...your wedding day, why you married THIS man, what your mutual dreams of present and future have been. Be good to yourself and your H 1
Author Helen A Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Betsy, gently I say you can choose how you feel. It may not happen on your first attempt or even the second. It is what you give your true focus. Working on your marriage means you stop thoughts of OM and think of...your wedding day, why you married THIS man, what your mutual dreams of present and future have been. I loved my wedding day it was amazing. And our honeymoon. I loved how fab he was when I was a mess after we had our little girl. This other person I was never interested in before, he tried it on in the past, I told him where to go. I have to look at what is wrong with me to make me act like such a loser and I need to stop looking at everyone else's life and concentrate on my own. I'm like that with a lot of things though thinking people's lives are better does anyone think that x
Lillyfree Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I loved my wedding day it was amazing. And our honeymoon. I loved how fab he was when I was a mess after we had our little girl. This other person I was never interested in before, he tried it on in the past, I told him where to go. I have to look at what is wrong with me to make me act like such a loser and I need to stop looking at everyone else's life and concentrate on my own. I'm like that with a lot of things though thinking people's lives are better does anyone think that x what do you want? what's your perfect scenario?
anne1707 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 When you posted a few days ago, you said you had blocked him. How could you two then be texting each other? The one thing you said you would do lasted just a day or two yet you still say you are working on your marriage. Do you really expect any of us to believe you anymore? So what are you planning to do this time to work on your marriage? 1
Author Helen A Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 When you posted a few days ago, you said you had blocked him. How could you two then be texting each other? The one thing you said you would do lasted just a day or two yet you still say you are working on your marriage. Do you really expect any of us to believe you anymore? So what are you planning to do this time to work on your marriage? I blocked him on Twitter. Got rid of his number this time but he still has mine. In all fairness Anne the kiss only happened last weekend I'm struggling to get my head round everything. I'm working on things, my head mainly.
anne1707 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I'm much better today thankyou. I've removed his number and blocked it so I can't have those moments where I want to text him. Really though after what he said to me yesterday I'm done. There's nothing else left to say now. You said just three days ago that you had blocked his number so he should not have been able to text you. Now you are basically saying you didn't block it. More inconsistencies Betsy and they all amount to you keeping up contact and showing no desire at all to end affair and work on your marriage.
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 You said just three days ago that you had blocked his number so he should not have been able to text you. Now you are basically saying you didn't block it. More inconsistencies Betsy and they all amount to you keeping up contact and showing no desire at all to end affair and work on your marriage. I blocked and deleted him from twitter and I've also removed his number. I haven't blocked his number from my phone, how so you do that. It's ended - I'm just trying to move on now. When I've read others comments, I'm looking at me and wondering why I wanted to be so needy and have these pathetic scraps of attention from someone who was never that nice. He really did not care at all he wasn't my friend. I have to build up my self esteem and my confidence.
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 I don't know how you can block him as it would depend on your phone and your network provider. Google it. Have you told your H that you want to end the friendship with this couple yet? Or taken any other steps to help you and your marriage? And I mean real steps as opposed to you "working" on your marriage without actually talking to your husband about any of the problems you have, let alone the fact that you have had an affair. You have been posting here on LS for two months now and I do not see any progress at all with you so whatever you say or think you have been doing has achieved absolutely nothing.
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Have you told your H that you want to end the friendship with this couple yet? Or taken any other steps to help you and your marriage? And I mean real steps as opposed to you "working" on your marriage without actually talking to your husband about any of the problems you have, let alone the fact that you have had an affair. I had an emotional affair not a proper affair. Me and my hubby get on great, as ive said to you before when you've said about me talking to him about working on it, all I can think of to do is more effort/ etc but tbh we are like two ships we both work opposite shifts and the rest the time looking after our little almost 4 yo so life is pretty crazy. I think I've made a lot of progress by posting on LS and I've enjoyed people's responses. I'm just so tired and exhausted now.
Red Wolverine Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 I think I've made a lot of progress by posting on LS and I've enjoyed people's responses. I'm just so tired and exhausted now. I know it sounds hard to believe but acknowledging you're exhausted is a good thing. It means you're giving overtime but getting nothing back that recharges you. Now that you know that, make a decision to take the power back. Easier said than done and you'll have to make that decision every day but you'll see results soon. It will be a huge relief. Don't worry about the past because you can't change it. Move forward. Put your energy into your little one.
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 I had an emotional affair not a proper affair. No Betsy. You have had a proper affair. It may not have been physical (apart from the kiss last weekend) but there was (and still is) an emotional betrayal. Me and my hubby get on great, as ive said to you before when you've said about me talking to him about working on it, all I can think of to do is more effort/ etc but tbh we are like two ships we both work opposite shifts and the rest the time looking after our little almost 4 yo so life is pretty crazy. Well that says to me that you BOTH need to do some work on your marriage. You BOTH need to be approaching it the same way and trying to find a way of spending more time together just as a couple. I think I've made a lot of progress by posting on LS and I've enjoyed people's responses. Apart from the fact that I find your use of the word "enjoyed" as odd, do you seriously think you have made progress?????? You have repeatedly broken NC. You have not ended the friendship. You were crying over the MOM last week. You only kissed him last week (which was the first kiss apparently so this was actually escalating things). You have not made any real progress in dealing with your marriage. I guess you have still not got the book I recommended either. Progress? Nope. None whatsoever. I'm just so tired and exhausted now. Well then, end the drama and take control. Betsy - please start using the Quote button when you want to quote posters. It will make your posts a lot easier to read.
Lady2163 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Have you told your H that you want to end the friendship with this couple yet? Or taken any other steps to help you and your marriage? And I mean real steps as opposed to you "working" on your marriage without actually talking to your husband about any of the problems you have, let alone the fact that you have had an affair. I had an emotional affair not a proper affair. Me and my hubby get on great, as ive said to you before when you've said about me talking to him about working on it, all I can think of to do is more effort/ etc but tbh we are like two ships we both work opposite shifts and the rest the time looking after our little almost 4 yo so life is pretty crazy. I think I've made a lot of progress by posting on LS and I've enjoyed people's responses. I'm just so tired and exhausted now. Betsy, I know you're tired and just emotionally wrung out. Are you able to consider IC? That could be a first step for you? Are you able to do any positive lifestyle changes? Join a book club, a women's group with whatever interests you, an adult education class of something you've always wanted to try or an extra exercise class at your gym? It may take energy you don't feel you have, but I think you have to change your social group to hinder the time you spend with this couple. I did something similar with a former needy female friend. She was free on Tuesday/Thursday nights. I found a water aerobics class that met then and afterwards we would go out for coffee as a group. I don't drink coffee, but went to be social. My needy friend joined the class, but dropped out after a couple of weeks. Gradually I became less accessible to her. I know your situation isn't the same as that, but are you able to take a chunk out of the time you would normally spend with this couple? I'm just trying to throw out some options. Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
eleanorrigby Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 If you are not going to tell your husband, I advise you not to lean on him in any way for emotional support while you grieve the end of your affair. If he finds out about the affair later, that's just going to hurt him even more. Do all the heavy lifting for and by yourself.
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 How does it help to say, " I feel so bad for your poor, betrayed spouse." ? Sarcasm...gee, like the cheating partner hasn't already thought of them. I know it's all awful. What I really want to know is how to move on now, and get over this horrible sad feeling I've got ( tho I know he's not a nice person) I'm still sad how it all ended.
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Betsy Have you investigated the possibility of getting some counselling? You need to find somebody to talk to so you can work your way through this. I really do not think you have it in you to do this on your own at the moment. Quoting posts - if you want to quote someones post, select the "quote" icon by that post. It will then come up in the box you type in with at each end. Leave those there and you can then type after that. It really will make reading your posts so much easier.
Lady2163 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 How does it help to say, " I feel so bad for your poor, betrayed spouse." ? Sarcasm...gee, like the cheating partner hasn't already thought of them. I know it's all awful. What I really want to know is how to move on now, and get over this horrible sad feeling I've got ( tho I know he's not a nice person) I'm still sad how it all ended. I'm not going to argue with those who want to call me "pro-affair" and make it seem like all people who enter an affair are evil people who should be punished every day for the rest of their life. Betsy, in your case, there's no denying I am "pro- OW". I know youre hurting. Rejection, even from assh***s sucks. This guy is a loser and he reminds me of an animal playing with his prey. I hope you're able to stay away from him. I don't know your homelife or financial situation. But counseling can help. It is the opportunity for you to have someone listen to you and be on your side. A good counselor can even help you when you have done something wrong, by not judging, but steering you toward what you already know is right. There isnt an easy solution to your sadness. You can dwell in it or you can do a lot of work to make a change. You may have to make a lifestyle change to stay away from this couple. It will be uncomfortable and take you out of your element. Counseling can help. It is an option, I hope you won't rule it out. Time and processing through the stages of grief will happen.
Author Helen A Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Counselling may be a good thing. Will I just come across as pathetic though? I mean counselling for an EA? I'm again on Day 3 full no contact & I don't feel so bad you know. I've been so busy this weekend I haven't had much of a chance to think. What I want to ask, maybe you guys have an idea, is how can you do this without it bothering you? And how can you be not bothered that you have upset somebody?
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