Knoxpwns Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Is coming along well, I feel. I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks, and have spent most of my time with friends playing video games and hanging out. I Realized lately that despite how much I love video games, that they can be my passion, but they can't define me. I decided it's time to start getting off the couch. I stopped smoking cigarettes premenantly, and went out to buy running shoes and some light shorts, and today I started running. It was pretty tough as a smoker, but will get easier as my lungs clear, I bet. I also got a haircut and trimmed up my stubble. My shortcoming now is the fact that I really want to start meeting girls. Not for anything serious, but just to meet new people while making myself feel better. I freeze when it comes to contacting anyone. Hell, I met my once best friend from elementary today. He was my best friend before I even started forming memories, and we stopped talking in 6ththe grade when I moved schools. Even still I couldn't bring myself to say hi. Im just bad at being social with people I haven't already come out of my shell for. But either way I might update this now and then for myself and for others like me. It's time to take my life by the reigns and make it the life I want. Your broken relationship and depressed feelings can only consume you if you allow it.
Oldcatskinner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Good for you! I can relate to your situation; I was 150 lbs overweight last year and was a pack a day smoker as well. I started walking and biking and when I lost 50 lbs I was able to start running, and completed a 10k earlier this year. Keep it up!
Author Knoxpwns Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 I'm realizing how bittersweet the process of healing really is. People tell you that you get better, but that's not fully true. You can't forget your memories; they will haunt you forever, but you eventually feel better as you learn to cope and bury them. The healing process is bittersweet, and I feel like I am getting better and worse all at the same time as a result. I ache... I had a dream about her again, which I hadn't in about a week. I dreamt she became engaged to the man she left me for. I woke up and felt that emptiness all of us have grown familiar with in mornings after. I think what I struggle with the most, right now, is how empty I feel. I have been surrounded by friends and family completely for weeks now. I have bounced from friend to friend, couch to couch on my journey to get back on my emotional feet again. but still, I constantly feel completely alone. I can tell them about things, and its usually a "hey, thats pretty cool", but there is nothing substantial to telling them. Its not fulfilling like it is telling a significant other. I just miss having someone Either way, I continue trying to take my life in the direction I want it. I got 2 new piercings that I have wanted for some time, and between jobs gave me a window to try it. I continue running, and finding myself thinking about her less and less, and needing to come to LS less and less each day. 2
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hello, I just wanted to tell you that even though sometimes it feels like you're going backwards, you're actually moving forwards ALL THE TIME. Every single time you hurt, as long as you don't dwell on it too much, is a piece of you coming to terms with it all. You're aching just before you let go, leaf by leaf. I've just come to realise, a breakup is a complex trauma. There are lots of things you're overcoming at the same time: loss of confidence, loss of trust, just the sheer surprise of it, you doubt your judgement and your actions, loss of future, the past becomes meaningless or painful, etc. So waves of hurt are completely normal. On different days you'll feel horrible about different things. Put the days under your belt and keep carrying on. It's a bit worrying and sad that you don't feel like you're getting enough support from your friends, try reaching out more or "exacting" the kind of support you need. Talk. I am absolutely certain half the reason I'm not doing terribly is that my friends are being fantastic, all in their own ways. They are very, very important right now. In time, you'll learn to stand on your own two feet, and what you're doing healthwise is VERY good in that respect, but you don't have to go it alone from the start. Sometimes it's enough to just have the company but do try to talk more deeply with at least some friends. If it doesn't work, come here more 2
Author Knoxpwns Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Hello, I just wanted to tell you that even though sometimes it feels like you're going backwards, you're actually moving forwards ALL THE TIME. Every single time you hurt, as long as you don't dwell on it too much, is a piece of you coming to terms with it all. You're aching just before you let go, leaf by leaf. I've just come to realise, a breakup is a complex trauma. There are lots of things you're overcoming at the same time: loss of confidence, loss of trust, just the sheer surprise of it, you doubt your judgement and your actions, loss of future, the past becomes meaningless or painful, etc. So waves of hurt are completely normal. On different days you'll feel horrible about different things. Put the days under your belt and keep carrying on. It's a bit worrying and sad that you don't feel like you're getting enough support from your friends, try reaching out more or "exacting" the kind of support you need. Talk. I am absolutely certain half the reason I'm not doing terribly is that my friends are being fantastic, all in their own ways. They are very, very important right now. In time, you'll learn to stand on your own two feet, and what you're doing healthwise is VERY good in that respect, but you don't have to go it alone from the start. Sometimes it's enough to just have the company but do try to talk more deeply with at least some friends. If it doesn't work, come here more I guess it's not that I'm *not* getting support from family and friends, but that for some reason sharing with them just isn't the same. All my friends are guys, so that while they are supportive of me (One even teared up when he heard we split because he was living a past failed relationship vicariously through my [at the time] successful one) But at the end of the day they are still guys, and I don't show emotions around them really. Sharing my life events with them is not the same as sharing it with a partner. It feels empty, it's not the same as talking with a significant other. It's really weird. When I was younger I loved being alone. I didn't really like people a whole lot. My time was best spent by myself. But one girl showed me a lot, mostly that I don't like being around a lot of people... But being alone now is hell. I can't imagine how people can stay single and happy. 1
Bito Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I guess it's not that I'm *not* getting support from family and friends, but that for some reason sharing with them just isn't the same. All my friends are guys, so that while they are supportive of me (One even teared up when he heard we split because he was living a past failed relationship vicariously through my [at the time] successful one) But at the end of the day they are still guys, and I don't show emotions around them really. Sharing my life events with them is not the same as sharing it with a partner. It feels empty, it's not the same as talking with a significant other. It's really weird. When I was younger I loved being alone. I didn't really like people a whole lot. My time was best spent by myself. But one girl showed me a lot, mostly that I don't like being around a lot of people... But being alone now is hell. I can't imagine how people can stay single and happy. Being single is the bom digity. You answer to no one and have complete freedom. The only reason you think its hell is that you made your girlfriend a big part of your identity. Now that she is gone you feel like something is missing. You have to find peace with yourself to become whole again. It won't happem overnight but if you work hard you will be happier then ever... Being single 1
Author Knoxpwns Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Well at least I can confirm I'm on a downslope right now. Everything feels like ****. Life is ****, people are ****, I'm just all around in a ****ty mood. The feelings are making their second pass, and as the days linger on I keep wondering why she did it to me. I jut don't know anymore. There are so many ****ty people who will **** anyone over for literally 0 reason. I always prided myself on being able to spot a bull****ter, and only one girl got past it, and she ruined me emotionally. It only took one. I question if the heartbreak is worth the risk. I'm leaning toward no.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Not the right people to tell you whether the heartbreak is worth it or not... personally at the moment I think relationships are so flipping complicated it makes no sense to even try! But I'm sure I'll change my mind I wanted to go back to the friends thing. I don't mean you should have more or something, but try and find at least one you can show your emotions to. It's not about significant other or not, it's about the people you speak to being the right people.
Author Knoxpwns Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) Well at least I can confirm I'm on a downslope right now. Everything feels like ****. Life is ****, people are ****, I'm just all around in a ****ty mood. The feelings are making their second pass, and as the days linger on I keep wondering why she did it to me. I jut don't know anymore. There are so many ****ty people who will **** anyone over for literally 0 reason. I always prided myself on being able to spot a bull****ter, and only one girl got past it, and she ruined me emotionally. It only took one. I question if the heartbreak is worth the risk. I'm leaning toward no. Well, it's been about a week since this Debbie Downer I qouted came to make everyone's lives here a bit more grey and depressing. But, relationships are a ridiculous rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm luckily back on the upswing. I swear this must be what its like to be a pregnant woman. Life has been pretty bland still; gaming with friends and reading on my courses all day long. I recently got in contact with an old friend of mine, and talked about what happened a while. He is gay, so me being single he found to be the perfect opportunity to pretty much compliment me on everything, but I took it all in good stride and accepted the compliments. It's funny that in my entire life, the only 2 people who ever went out of their way to compliment me was a gay dude and an 80 year old woman at Taco Bell who said I had gorgeous eyes lol. Either way, It made me feel pretty good so I appreciated it. In other news, It's not really breaking news that I am super shy, and find talking to anyone about just about anything super terrifying. BUT, I was at a store picking some stuff up, and one of the girls who worked there caught my eye. cute as hell, modest facial piercings (which I am into) and firey red hair. I asked her about some stuff I was looking at, and after ending the convo I said "by the way, your hair color is awesome. it looks really cute on you" with a half-cocked smirk. she got the silliest smile on and just said thanks. And that was it. why is that so great for me? Because it was the first time in MY life that I ever openly complimented someone to their face. And it made her smile. and it made me feel freaking awesome to make someone smile like that. and the cherry on top -- nothing bad happened. the sky didn't fall. The bomb sirens didn't go on high alert while we fell into a nuclear apocalypse. She didn't blow a rape whistle and call the cops like I was some serial rapist. I don't know, it made me realize that I'm not fully sure why people scare me like they do, or why talking to people I don't know scares me like it does. Needless to say, it's caused me to have an eye out for literally anything I can give people a thumbs up on. I don't know, it was a pretty badass day almost entirely in part to that. I'm coming along, and I'm sure I'll have some downers this week (if you know my story, my "replacement" visits my ex next week in my old apartment.. egh) but... the worst is over, at least. Edited August 23, 2013 by Knoxpwns
jesse93 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 That's awesome man, I'm glad you went up to her and said something like that you probably made her day I also have a lot of trouble with socializing I have such a hard time going up to people and talking to them, saying hi starting a convo is almost impossible for me it seems, my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Anyway I hope you keep your head up man, you're doing well for yourself and I hope you continue to try and get out of your comfort zone and I hope you can keep pushing forward, I hope to get out of my comfort zone one day and manage to talk to girls I'd be so happy good luck bro.
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