Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 New to this, please go easy:eek: To cut a long story short; was in 19 yr relationship with my ex, met OM at work, started meeting up in lunch break, chemistry was electric so knew I had to end my long term relationship as it was stale and I wasn't happy AND it was the right thing to do. The OM was also in a long term relationship but said he wasn't going to leave his gf. I continued to have the affair. 4 years into it I was unhappy being in this situation and feeling worthless, I met someone else and ended this affair. But the OM just wouldn't leave me alone promising things would change if we got back together, my new bf went through my phone checking text messages and I told him everything about the OM saying he wouldn't leave me alone, he told me I could never speak to him again. No one tells me who I can and can't speak to so I ended this relationship and i felt he was controlling. Yes I got back with the OM and he said he was going to save as he didn't want to leave his gf with nothing they were also tied into a business financially.. Me being so gullible believed him.. Two years down the road things were still the same, we started to argue a little as I kept bringing up the situation and how unhappy I was he left went home and we exchanged several texts. That night the phone woke them up as a text message of mine has arrived (they lied in a bad signal area so didn't always get the texts straight away) he got his phone she wanted to know who it was!!! The next day I got a phone call from her wanting to meet me which I did, she wanted to know everything but me being off tried t spare her feelings I told her it had been going on 18 mths as opposed to the 6 years ! Anyway she rang me back a week later and said things didn't add up! But as the OM hadn't been in touch with me just cut me off like I didn't exist I thought she needed to know the truth. (Saving his own neck). They are still together. To this day (been split up coming up to 3 yrs) it still goes around in my head how she can stay with him after all the years of deceit? All the lies he told me, how I believed him, how he used to get upset when we talked about us! About how unhappy I was with the situation and how he used to reassure me how much he loved me blah blah blah. Can the love for someone disappear ?
RickFox Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'd say true love can lay dormant, but never truly disappear but someone who was never truly in love with the other person, yes, that love can go away because it wasn't real love. As far as your attitude about no one telling you who you can and can't talk to, wow! Is it so wrong for a request to be made concerning someone like that? The guy saw it for what it was and knew as long as you were in contact with the OM that he wouldn't truly be in your life and you threw him to the side for someone who ended up doing the exact same thing to you. He wasn't that deceitful to you, he told you he wasn't leaving his gf for you, you still went into the A and he stayed true to his word. How can she keep him you ask, more than likely because she does love him and has time invested in their long term/ full time relationship. 1
Author Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Didn't I do the same? What so u mean?
thecharade Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Ugh, I am so sorry. You definitely mattered. Nobody does anything for six years, full of ILUs and intimacy, that they didn't feel in their hearts. But men are very different creatures and can't live on passion alone. Their idea of success includes much more in life, where a woman will live in a shack if she has the man she loves and her family. Relationships are everything to many women, but relationships are NOT everything to most (if not all) men. He loved you, but she represented stability and financial health and success. He would rather cut out his heart and regrow it elsewhere. It's easier than uprooting everything and everyone else. Make peace with how men lead their lives, and then move on to finding someone much better. She's still stuck with a cheater, but you have the opportunity to learn and grow and have that clean slate. 2
Author Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 RickFox ... When we for back together after me and the BF split up the OM told me he was going to leave hence getting back with him...the point is he badgered me stoked me wouldn't leave me alone until he convinced me that we would be together. I just believed him! Love is blind as they say.
Author Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 The Charade thank-you for your advice. In my head that's what I thought and my friends have also said. She has a well paid job, nice company car, comfy lifestyle. Myself on the other hand had given up everything and started again (as ex was nasty and wouldn't let me have anything) all in the name of love! I should have followed my gut instinct all along.
Author Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Wisernow.....oh right I get you now! Yes but at the time I didn't know he was lying I believed every word, looking back I was foolish. Have learnt my lesson!
Author Sal_d Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Stalked me * (going to have to check the spelling before posting) iPad keeps changing my words.
waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Of course it can. All things being equal though I think it evolves and deepens. Strong love doesn't fade, it changes.
Pierre Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Can the love for someone disappear ? When it comes to the issue of LOVE it seems that women prone to be OW have a blind spot. It should be a requisite for some women to study what LOVE is all about. OM loved his long term GF or wife. The love moved from the early passion romantic stage into the more relaxed and calmer long term love. That is the natural progression of LOVE. Some men and women are needy and want excess external validation. When they enter the calm stage of long term love they somehow need to supplement the relationship with an OW or OM to get the drama and the butterflies. The love in the affair is confined to the affair compartment for the married AP. The love of the single AP exists everywhere and is not in a compartment. The affair love is quite real and genuine. The only issue with affair love is that the married AP must confine his love to the affair compartment. Outside the compartment the married AP has a wife, kids, and a family. So the compartmentalization is crucial for the married AP. OTOH, the single AP does not have compartments. The affair love for the single AP exists everywhere. When you have a d-day the affair compartment is destroyed and the affair love cannot function well outside the compartment. It is rather simple. The married AP tends to choose long term calm love over affair love once the compartments are broken. However, the love while there was an affair compartment was 100% real. 2
hermione08 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I totally agree with what thecharade said. Men generally do not care much about passion and love, if they mean throwing their security away. No matter how much they SAY the love you, always check what they DO. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 For a SO...usually....if it doesnt. it will at least soften dramatically.. For a child or a beloved family member....never.... TFY 1
Author Sal_d Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 hermione08 thanks for you comment. When I was in the relationship he was very passionate, can that be an act? I know what you are saying though about their security, that seems to be the case in a lot of people's situations. Personally, if I am unhappy then I wouldnt stay in a relationship, life is too short for being unhappy, spend it with someone who you want to be with. I did, I ended a 19 year relationship to be with the OM, suppose you have to take these chances in life. I watched a tv programme a few weeks back about four couples getting married and how different there weddings were and the one couple took their vows and they said they would be married, not forever, but for how long their love lasted.
Author Sal_d Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 contrefaire, honestly?? I cannot answer that now as time has passed, I would like to say no I wouldnt have.
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