hereagain Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Hi all, just joined. Finding lots of good information and support on here. I just need to talk out my situation - I find I'm just running in circles in my mind. I'll try to keep it brief. Married 18 years, 2 teens. Husband was my first. Very strict parents so not a lot of experience with men. Marriage was good in the beginning but once the casinos started opening up, husband started playing more and more. Caused our relationship to become emotionally distant, however, whenever I would bring it up, he would say the loving, sincere things I wanted to here. Five years ago, discovered husband had been frequenting escorts for years. Confronted him. Decided to give reconciliation a shot. Did individual and couples counselling for close to 1 1/2 years. I never really felt like I got over the resentment and it didn't feel right, but I thought over time the damage would resolve. Over the past 5 years, I've undergone significant health concerns which included surgery and taking time off work to recover. A few months ago, discovered yet again that he had been seeing escorts. Even taking one to a high-end, intimate restaurant before heading out to the hotel. Since confronting him, he has yet again entered therapy. Quit the gambling, banned himself from the casinos and online. Been diagnosed with a gambling and sex addiction. Apparently, this time it's for real. I'm sure everyone is wondering why I am still here. I've been reading on addiction and the difficulties in stopping, even when you know it's wrong. My therapist is saying, the therapy he received the first time around was ineffective because it focussed on communication and not the addictions and this time he is getting the targetted help he needs. He is definitely acting different from the first time. My other thing is I come from a culture where divorce is shameful and it's always the woman's fault - my parents will drive me crazy if I leave. Finally, I just hate to break up my kid's family - even though I know it's his actions that caused it to break up. So, we're still under the same roof. Things are amicable, like roomates, not intimate. I got tested, of course. I'm taking a wait-and-see attitude. Why am I so stupid for still wanting to believe, even though deep down, I doubt it's possible??? Why can't I just kick him out and say enough??? Is reconciliation and recovery even possible???
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Hi all, just joined. Finding lots of good information and support on here. I just need to talk out my situation - I find I'm just running in circles in my mind. I'll try to keep it brief. Married 18 years, 2 teens. Husband was my first. Very strict parents so not a lot of experience with men. Marriage was good in the beginning but once the casinos started opening up, husband started playing more and more. Caused our relationship to become emotionally distant, however, whenever I would bring it up, he would say the loving, sincere things I wanted to here. Five years ago, discovered husband had been frequenting escorts for years. Confronted him. Decided to give reconciliation a shot. Did individual and couples counselling for close to 1 1/2 years. I never really felt like I got over the resentment and it didn't feel right, but I thought over time the damage would resolve. Over the past 5 years, I've undergone significant health concerns which included surgery and taking time off work to recover. A few months ago, discovered yet again that he had been seeing escorts. Even taking one to a high-end, intimate restaurant before heading out to the hotel. Since confronting him, he has yet again entered therapy. Quit the gambling, banned himself from the casinos and online. Been diagnosed with a gambling and sex addiction. Apparently, this time it's for real. I'm sure everyone is wondering why I am still here. I've been reading on addiction and the difficulties in stopping, even when you know it's wrong. My therapist is saying, the therapy he received the first time around was ineffective because it focussed on communication and not the addictions and this time he is getting the targetted help he needs. He is definitely acting different from the first time. My other thing is I come from a culture where divorce is shameful and it's always the woman's fault - my parents will drive me crazy if I leave. Finally, I just hate to break up my kid's family - even though I know it's his actions that caused it to break up. So, we're still under the same roof. Things are amicable, like roomates, not intimate. I got tested, of course. I'm taking a wait-and-see attitude. Why am I so stupid for still wanting to believe, even though deep down, I doubt it's possible??? Why can't I just kick him out and say enough??? Is reconciliation and recovery even possible??? I certainly understand your "Thinking in circles." You are not stupid. Anything is possible but at the moment, since I am thinking in circles too, is that this can't go on forever. It sure is rough right now.
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 You have every right to decide not to decide....to take that wait and see attitude and wait and see..... I get it. You have already invested so much into him and the relationship, you wonder if he will truly get fixed and be the man you always dreamed he could be. BUT you do need to focus on you, making yourself the strongest, happiest person you can be, with, or without him. The stronger you feel, the less it will matter what he does or does not do. You will be able to take care of yourself and your family should he fail once again and you have to cut him loose. PS: Tell him how you feel and why. Be brutally honest. I love you but I can't trust you so I am taking this one day at a time for the sake of our children. Get your ducks in a row, call a lawyer, start making solid plans to be financially independent.
Author hereagain Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Moper: Thanks for the kind words of support. Yes, that's it, it can't last forever, but it sure feels like it Strongernow 65 - your words really spoke to me. I need to stop beating myself up but it's so hard not to feel foolish and weak, for trusting someone who obviously could not be. Not sure why his awful actions keep making me feel inadequate, but you're right, I need to be happy with myself first and that should be my priority. I am going to reflect on your words in the days to come. Spark1111 - That's exactly how I feel. I have invested a lot, but I'm not sure if I'd end up in a "throwing good money after bad" type situation. But you're right, it's early days and I need to wait and see so I can wait and see. I can't control him but I can better myself. I've already obtained legal counsel and am working towards being financially independent - of course, it's worse than I thought, but baby steps. Taking solace in that as bad as it is, I'd rather know than not know. So nice of you to comfort a total stranger, it means a lot to me.
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) I feel for you, I really do. I find it noble just about anytime a wayward is given a second chance. But to be honest, I don't believe in giving third chances. He saw what it did to you the first time and he did it again. And sadly, the sex and gambling addictions worsen the scenario as far as I'm concerned. Ask your therapist what the success rates look like for sexual addiction. It ain't pretty. I also don't think you should beat yourself up. But I don't think you should accept less than you're worth. And to hell with the cultural standards. My $.02 is that you keep talking to that legal counsel and figure out how to get out of there. ((Hugs)) Edited August 9, 2013 by BetrayedH 1
turnera Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 As long as he is continuing the therapy and really not straying, there's nothing wrong with trying to work out the marriage, if that's what you want. If it isn't what you want, then you need to ask yourself why you're staying. But you will have to remain vigilant to ensure he isn't sneaking the stuff back in.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Thinking in circles- that is a good description. You came to the right place to talk in circles as much asyou need to help sort it out. Ask questions and get it out, so many people here are so insightful, and have been a really big help to me the past few months. My xbf is a "sex addict" too so I can empathize with the one two punch that creates along with the pain of cheating. I'm not in R and not married, but there are a lot of posterson here who are in R and going through those struggles. I'm so sorry for your pain and what you are going through and I wish I had the right combination of words to make you feel a tiny bit better. The only thing I know for sure is that healing is possible, it's just a long journey, but you are not alone. 1
Author hereagain Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 I feel for you, I really do. I find it noble just about anytime a wayward is given a second chance. But to be honest, I don't believe in giving third chances. He saw what it did to you the first time and he did it again. And sadly, the sex and gambling addictions worsen the scenario as far as I'm concerned. Ask your therapist what the success rates look like for sexual addiction. It ain't pretty. I also don't think you should beat yourself up. But I don't think you should accept less than you're worth. And to hell with the cultural standards. My $.02 is that you keep talking to that legal counsel and figure out how to get out of there. ((Hugs)) It's kind of how I feel, deep down, just me - that it's time to call it a day. It's when I factor all the other things in that I start to unravel and think maybe one last time? Maybe if it works this time? I wish I could just kill the hope. I spoke to my therapist who stated that given the previous therapy was based on an incorrect diagnosis, it was bound to fail. This time, with the correct diagnosis of addiction, therapy can have success. But again, the prognosis depends on the person. I'm not trying to excuse what he's done at all, but everyone is trying to get me to see it as a "sickness" that is "treatable". It's hard not to see it as a "choice". It's hard to make a decision when you don't know what you'll be dealing with in the future - maybe he'll continue with the meetings and live an addiction free life, maybe not. All I know is I feel very, very tired by the whole thing. Thanks for your note, I appreciate it!
Author hereagain Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 As long as he is continuing the therapy and really not straying, there's nothing wrong with trying to work out the marriage, if that's what you want. If it isn't what you want, then you need to ask yourself why you're staying. But you will have to remain vigilant to ensure he isn't sneaking the stuff back in. Right, it's the idea of remaining vigilant for the rest of our days together that's making me feel exhausted, just even thinking about it. Do I want to be with someone I can't trust? A big part of me feels like even if he continues and lives addiction free, I'm done wanting to be a part of it. But, when I factor in the kids, finances, etc., then I start second guessing myself. It's that if there are no addictions, then on paper, we look pretty good. I feel like this last time, a light switch turned off and I can't turn it back on even though he's behaving like he did when we first met. Nothing's ever easy, is it? Thanks for your note and support!
Author hereagain Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Thinking in circles- that is a good description. You came to the right place to talk in circles as much asyou need to help sort it out. Ask questions and get it out, so many people here are so insightful, and have been a really big help to me the past few months. My xbf is a "sex addict" too so I can empathize with the one two punch that creates along with the pain of cheating. I'm not in R and not married, but there are a lot of posterson here who are in R and going through those struggles. I'm so sorry for your pain and what you are going through and I wish I had the right combination of words to make you feel a tiny bit better. The only thing I know for sure is that healing is possible, it's just a long journey, but you are not alone. Thanks for reaching out, it makes a world of difference to know that others are also dealing with similar issues - wish none of us had to go through this!
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