Difficulty believing and trusting my girlfriend - womans view appreciated pls?

[z1rmp]

I have difficulty in trusting my girlfriend, and fear my worst suspicions may be well founded but I'm just not sure!

She's an independent gal, we've been together over 12 months.

Trouble is, I feel that she constantly hides things from me, and rightly or wrongly, I go looking.

Recently she disappeared off to the dominican for 2 weeks, I know she is in touch with a guy out there as she's been once with her ex, once alone, and this time alone too.

She told me point-blank before she left that she didn't want me to go. Justification was that it was a disaster when she went with her ex, and that she thought it would do our relationship good.

Not wanting to stop her, although it hurt, I let her go after telling her how I felt and my worries.

She texted every day to say she loved me.

When she returned, guess whose address and email was in her handbag...yep, the dom rep guy.

She has a hip condition and is very limited as to what she can do, but finds it appropriate to browse for salsa dance lessons on the internet!

She disappeared off out to meet one of her "friends" - a guy and lied to me that she was going shopping.

As usual, I found out and confronted her. She says I would go ballistic if she had told me, so she didn't.

Since she's returned from holidays, she's lied to me that her contraceptive injection isn't working and that she's bleeding.

Seems strange to me - no towels in the bin, and she on't flush em away as they block the plumbing.

I'm not sure that she wants to be with me, she finds it very hard to give me love, and seems to only tell me she loves me when I promt it.

I don't know whether her mind is elsewhere. After all, this could just be me being over-paranoid. Why didn't she want me on the holiday? Why don't I feel loved by her? She maintains that she does, and sent me a card before she went stating that she thanks me for everything I have done, that she appreciates me letting her go (we had tears over that one - I told her I wouldn't stop her going because I didn't want to lose her - and it's true)...

I try to trust her, but it's been broke and finding this guys address in her purse just kills me, but I cant say a thing as that would be an admission of snooping on my part.

I love her with all my heart, and would die if I lost her. But not getting the attention I need and having this doubt is difficult to deal with.

Should I lay off being so nice and doing so much for her and let her come to me? - Whenever I do that, she instantly says "what's wrong" I always reply "nothing" not wanting to cause an argument.

Please help...

[FreeMe]

If you keep catching her in these small lies then obviously there's a problem. You know it's wrong for her to tell these lies and your gut is telling you there's something wrong. You'll make yourself crazy checking up on her - or not checking up but being suspicious all the time. Sounds like you have a good reason to end it and find someone who's honest and who you feel wants to be with you.

[whichwayisup]

You can't go on like this, it's messing with your heart as well as your head. Just come right out and ASK her what is going on. Tell her how you are feeling, what she is doing is affecting you and hurting you. If she does love you and wants to be in this relationship then she will stop and atleast try harder to be just with you! The longer you wait and leave things as they are, the worse you will feel and the more you will react and go looking for things that may/may not be there to worry about! The mind can do horrible things to us and give us those nasty paranoid thoughts!

 

So, be open and honest with her...The more you tell her HOW it makes you feel when she does this and that...The more affect it will have on her.

 

Good luck and keep on posting!

[alicia24]

I am sorry about this mess but it seems to me that she may have lost interest and at the same time does not want to let you go. Eff all this bulsht. If she really loved you, she would want to share her holiday with you and make memories with you in a foreign land. I would never go on holiday without my boyfriend. It wouldnt be fun. I know it is easier said than done, but let this girl go.....for good.

[tattoomytoe]

sounds like she is cheating, or at least seeing other people to me.

 

and it is not like you are not aware she goes out with other guys, reguardless of whether or not they are "just friends".

 

it is quite immature of her to lie about her actions, and to me lying implies that it was something she knew would upset you and/ or that what she did was wrong.

 

i would not put up with it.

 

also since she does not invite you to go on holiday with her...well mainly the fact that she expressly said no to you.....well that is a warning flag i think.

[SoleMate]

Ummmm....sorry, but you're not her #1 anymore. If you ever were. Lying to you about why she can't have sex (with you) was pretty much the last straw in a chain of suspicious circumstances. She's having it with someone else...or desperately wants to...94% certain. You need to be ready to let her go, because I think she has already let you go...all but packing the boxes. That will probably come within a few weeks or days.

 

I love her with all my heart, and would die if I lost her.

You won't die...you'll be very sad and feel quite hopeless for a time. Then life will call you back. When you recover, please ask yourself how you can love someone who treats you so badly. Self-love has to be the FIRST step in any relationship.

[HokeyReligions]

This does not sound like a healthy relationship in any way. I would be perturbed at the least to think that my boyfriend was pawing through the trash looking for used sanitary napkins!

 

She lies to you, you spy on her -- it's a viscous circle that needs to end. Find someone you love and trust, and let her find someone too. It will hurt for a little while, but you'll get past that and when you are in a healthy relationship you won't have any regrets.

 

Do both of you a favor and end it.

[z1rmp]

OK - update.

I told her how I felt, we had a discussion - not an argument.

I told her I'm a person that thrives on love. So long as I've got that I'm a happy guy.

She understood my point of view regarding the holiday, but states that she's independent, nobody will ever own her, and that just as I need lots of attention, that she needs her space or she'd go crazy.

"It's 2 weeks out of an entire year - I don't go out every week and we spend more time than most couples together"

"Plus I texted you every day - when I got your messages I wanted to come home and thought what the hell am I doing here."

I told her I had concerns about the Dominican Guy. She said that he was getting married and that she spent more time talking to his girlfriend than talking to him.

The contraceptive thing appears to be true - she's now on the pill, and stopped having her shot every 3 months, and has to go for blood tests.

So - what do we think the truth is.

We still haven't had sex since whe got back, but that's fairly usual as she's never been very forthcoming in that department.

 

I respect the girl a great deal, love and dont want to lose her. But why would his address be in her purse? - Nobody else, just the same guy that is in her messenger list.

 

Do "friends" like that just happen whilst you're abroad?

Since I found out about the guy she sneaked off with, she's had no contact with him whatsoever, this I know for a fact.

Maybe I should just trust the girl?

 

Opinions?

 

I want to be with her.. I truly love her.

[briteeyes29]

I am going through the ame thing just a lil different there is no cheating going on. My partner has been lying to me and I am sick over it and don't know what to do if you would like read my post in cheating jealousy section.

 

I just confronted my boyfriend this past saturday and now he is pushin me to decide where our relationship is going and that I am overreacting about the lying and I am taking it way to far. He says I will never find a man that won't lie at least one time. Since i found out the lies and confronted and found to be right I am ill whenever he is near me I can't sleep next to him comfortably I don't want him by me or touching me etc....

 

But its driving me crazy!

 

But to tell you the truth I think that she is not a keeper and you should let go or you will just be continually getting hurt.

[morrigan]

Z1rmp, it seems pretty likely that this girl has or is currently cheating on you.

 

If you can overlook that, then you still have a girl basically saying that her desires come before your concerns, you should have implicit trust in her, although you have caught her lying several times, her needs will always be placed first, and that she will be with you on only on her terms.

 

I have to honestly say I don't know why you are afraid of losing this girl. You may love her, but she's not going to change her ways.

[z1rmp]

She has phoned the Dominican several times since she got back - every time whilst I was out of the house at work.

What I cant get beyond is that she swears there is nothing going on, and I'm inclined to try to believe her.

She constantly tells me she loves me, she texts me throughout the day to say that she's missing me.

She has female friends there too, she took a call the other day from there and said it was "anna", but I don't know for sure.

How can there be something going on with somebody half way around the world...she's here with me - by choice.

I do believe that she wouldn't sleep with somebody else. It's just not her style, and I know her well enough for that.

She's one special girl to me, and I wouldn't be without her for the world.

When it's come to the crunch and i've said I'm leaving she's totally broken down.

She admits she did wrong sneaking off to see this other guy - and it's all done and dusted no more problems.

I'm just scared, maybe paranoid that she has interests with somebody abroad - Dominican setting and charm when you're on holiday could be a dream romance.

I can visualise it myself, but whatever, she's here with me, and she really shows that she loves me.

I hope things settle down in my own mind soon.

[neptoon]

I wouldn't be very quick to say that she's having a fling. Maybe she isn't.

 

I've had this same problem before. Yes, sometimes there is a guy around who is a purely platonic friend. The guy I'm going out with would generally get mad at me for talking to him and I'd be accused of doing stuff with them all the time. It's really draining on the soul. Maybe it's not you who's doing it -- maybe it was an ex who did it to her all the time.

 

Then, we fall into a pattern of not wanting to tell the guy about things just because we had really bad experiences with stuff that can be misunderstood.

[NiCoLe20]

bro this chick is playing games wit ur mind and heart and its really not worth it... ive been in ur position and u gotta learn to let it go... this whole time ur worrying about whats goin on u could be having a real good time w/ another girl...that may sound harsh but im trying to make u realize that u dont deserve these games n lies u know? she says u guys spend too much time together? wtf does that mean? i CANT spend enuff time w/ my man... that was mean of her to say that... seriosuly...take a break from ur girl chill wit ur boys and see what else is out there....hit up the clubs or go out n do stuff....let her sweat what ur doing for a change...let her worry where u are and who ur with and see how fast the tables turn

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by z1rmp

Since she's returned from holidays, she's lied to me that her contraceptive injection isn't working and that she's bleeding.

Seems strange to me - no towels in the bin, and she on't flush em away as they block the plumbing.

 

Did you seriously check the trash can? Did you? That is INSANE.

[missopinionated]

I'm sorry, did you say you're having 'trouble' trusting her?

 

You're "inclined to try to believe her"? What does that mean?? For what would you do that?

 

Good grief man, do you like the feel of that "Walk all over me please" shirt you're wearing.

 

What part of "I'm off with a host of other men and you're a putz" don't you get?

 

Move on. The only career move you have to look forward to right now is as a doormat at Pier One.