Thoughts on why some BS become WS or OW/OM in the future?

[Betterthanthis13]

Not revenge affairs.

 

I've heard this a few times and it seems counterintuitive, considering that a BS would have experienced firsthand all the pain and anguish an A brings. Any thoughts on why this might happen?

 

My first guess would be dissillusionment- they lived their life a certain way according to principles, thinking that would help protect them, and then the world came crashing down and they never fully recovered, "if you can't beat em join em"

 

Or

 

Sideways justice- "righting a wrong", (subconsciously), but with different people

 

Or

 

Morbid curiosity?

 

Am I way off? I'm somewhat concerned about this because I hear its common and whatever the psychology is behind it I want to know so I can avoid developing it.

 

I asked my therapist and she said I shouldnt be concerned with that- she said I am far too analytic and neurotic to be in danger of such a thing. She's irritating me. I get thoughtful answers from LS for free.

[karnak]

Not revenge affairs.

 

I've heard this a few times and it seems counterintuitive, considering that a BS would have experienced firsthand all the pain and anguish an A brings. Any thoughts on why this might happen?

 

My first guess would be dissillusionment- they lived their life a certain way according to principles, thinking that would help protect them, and then the world came crashing down and they never fully recovered, "if you can't beat em join em"

 

Or

 

Sideways justice- "righting a wrong", (subconsciously), but with different people

 

Or

 

Morbid curiosity?

 

Am I way off? I'm somewhat concerned about this because I hear its common and whatever the psychology is behind it I want to know so I can avoid developing it.

 

I asked my therapist and she said I shouldnt be concerned with that- she said I am far too analytic and neurotic to be in danger of such a thing. She's irritating me. I get thoughtful answers from LS for free.

 

Just because you've been the victim of abuse it doesn't mean that you can turn into an abuser.

 

Just as some people are abusers without ever having been the victim of abuse.

 

A thief can be robbed or mugged as well.

 

Cheating is something that comes from a person's core character. Some victims of infidelity will cheat on their future relationships. But they'd probably cheat, regardless of being cheated on or not.

 

I know a woman who cheated on one (or maybe several) of her boyfriends. When I asked her why, she assumed it was due to her imaturity and because she was not in love with them.

She later married. And was always faithful to the guy. Yet, she was cheated on by her husband.

 

After the divorce, she has found a new boyfriend. Yet, according to what I've been told, she has already cheated on him.

[Betterthanthis13]

Just because you've been the victim of abuse it doesn't mean that you can turn into an abuser.

 

Just as some people are abusers without ever having been the victim of abuse.

 

A thief can be robbed or mugged as well.

 

Cheating is something that comes from a person's core character. Some victims of infidelity will cheat on their future relationships. But they'd probably cheat, regardless of being cheated on or not.

 

I know a woman who cheated on one (or maybe several) of her boyfriends. When I asked her why, she assumed it was due to her imaturity and because she was not in love with them.

She later married. And was always faithful to the guy. Yet, she was cheated on by her husband.

 

After the divorce, she has found a new boyfriend. Yet, according to what I've been told, she has already cheated on him.

 

That's different- she was already a cheater before marriage. I'm more talking about a person who never cheated, then got cheated on, then became a cheater.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Betterthanthis13

[karnak]

That's different- she was already a cheater before marriage. I'm more talking about a person who never cheated, then got cheated on, then became a cheater.

 

I was just giving an example. But I think no type of abuse of suffering can turn a person into something it's not in their nature.

 

If you ever cheat, regardless of wether you've suffered infidelity or not, it's because you have a lack of moral compass.

 

You'll meet many women here on LS who were terribly wronged by their mates, yet could never allow themselves to go so low as performing the same deeds.

[Snowflower]

Not revenge affairs.

 

I've heard this a few times and it seems counterintuitive, considering that a BS would have experienced firsthand all the pain and anguish an A brings. Any thoughts on why this might happen?

 

My first guess would be dissillusionment- they lived their life a certain way according to principles, thinking that would help protect them, and then the world came crashing down and they never fully recovered, "if you can't beat em join em"

 

Or

 

Sideways justice- "righting a wrong", (subconsciously), but with different people

 

Or

 

Morbid curiosity?

 

Am I way off? I'm somewhat concerned about this because I hear its common and whatever the psychology is behind it I want to know so I can avoid developing it.

 

I asked my therapist and she said I shouldnt be concerned with that- she said I am far too analytic and neurotic to be in danger of such a thing. She's irritating me. I get thoughtful answers from LS for free.

 

LOL, about your therapist! I too have found LS just as helpful as therapy, if not more!

 

I think BS can turn AP for all the reasons you listed above and more.

 

And one other cause, pure loneliness.

 

I've read countless stories here of divorced APs who were cheated on in their marriage, subsequently divorced, and then become APs out of sheer loneliness.

 

I can just imagine it. There is a divorced woman, often times with young kids and being a single mom is a hard, lonely road, especially if her husband has left her for someone else or has remarried.

 

Just ask most single moms. Dating is hard! It is hard to find the right guy to bring around your kids, it is hard to find time/babysitter to go out, etc.

 

So what often happens? She commiserates with that nice, married guy at work about the hardships of parenting, which have to be even more difficult as a single mom.

 

Nice, married guy is someone she can bring around her kids if she decides to.

 

Boundaries get crossed and there you have it, at least in some cases.

[waterwoman]

For me it has made it feasible. I don't mean 'oh that's who you do it', more that I have seen that 'good' people do it, well-meaning people do it, not just nasty selfish heartless people. So in theory I could.

 

Years ago I had what I know now was an EA with a work colleague - I ended it when he wanted to take it a lot further, I thought that because of that I had stopped myself from having an affair at all. I now realise that I didn't. But the point was i drew a line and even left my job to reinforce that line. Because not drawing the line was unthinkable. Now it isn't. It doesn't mean I wouldn't act that same way if the same thing happened again, it's just I accept that crossing that line is a possibility instead of an impossibility.

[Snowflower]

Being honest here, I have at my lowest point thought, OK let me try and see what an affair is like so I can understand what the heck he was thinking, what it takes to be a cheater...then I wake up and regain my senses and remember, jeez...that's not who or what I am...I know he worries that I will cheat on him, not out of revenge but because that line has been blurred in our marriage...

 

Yep, exactly.

 

I went through that phase briefly. I couldn't wrap my head around what he had done. What did it feel like to cross all those little boundaries, trash talk your life with your spouse, sneak around and call/text someone you weren't supposed to?

What does that all feel like?

 

And yes, my H still worries that I will cheat since, like you say, that line was blurred in our marriage too. It is really sad.

[Betterthanthis13]

Being honest here, I have at my lowest point thought, OK let me try and see what an affair is like so I can understand what the heck he was thinking, what it takes to be a cheater...then I wake up and regain my senses and remember, jeez...that's not who or what I am...I know he worries that I will cheat on him, not out of revenge but because that line has been blurred in our marriage...

 

I think that's sort of what I meant by morbid curiosity, but you bring up two good points with the lines already having been blurred in your marriage, and then you being able to snap yourself back to reality because you know that is not who you want to be.

 

My choice not to cheat on anyone is based on premeditated thought. Its not PRIMARILY because I don't want to hurt my spouse, (that's obviously a good benefit of not cheating) but because of who I am as a person, and how I have worked out my ethics system, and my belief that my values are what ensure my personal freedom. It's something I actually believe. I've been disappointed by another human being this year, sure, but that was him- not me. I am not going to change what I know to be true for myself because someone else screwed up and injured me in the process. I shouldn't have assumed he had ethics like mine in the first place.

 

My wrong thinking prior to betrayal was in assuming that most people had a similar system of rationalization. I assumed that everyone had thought things through, and just had different values than me that they used in their ethics function system. What I have discovered is that most people just haven't taken the time to think things through at all prior to making choices- that's why they cannot defend their actions. They have thought things through only partially at best if at all. Or they rely on anecdotal evidence to make decisions.

[dichotomy]

Being also honest here. I have been faithful and committed for the many years since it all came out, but several thoughts have crossed my mind about straying. My wife’s past is complicated and I will avoid the boring you with the details but for example

 

- My wife at first was not remorseful and had positive views of OM and past affairs. I began to think ok, well then I guess it would be not so bad if I did it then. I would not be a bad guy. First Round of therapy helped change this view in her (mostly) about herself and her OM's

 

- She started withdrawing from various sexual activities and frequency and passion in our marriage. The exact opposite of what she should have done. I began to resent that others got the best of my wife, including OM. I started to believe that maybe marriage was not the place for great sex (wife has said as much...WTF?). So like OM and others I should just get it elsewhere - and get it out of my system. Second round of therapy is in progress and is working on changing my wife’s view on what sex and passion should be inside a marriage.

 

But again being brutally honest, while I was strong enough not to seek anything outside the marriage (including I did not return some flirting I got a few times) - I am not sure how I would have handled it if some gal had presented a very clear and blatant (and N.S.A) offer for sex ...or if I had been pursued in the last 3 years. My own individual therapy helped, but I am right now "affair resistant" and not "affair proof". I am hopeful this can be reversed soon.

[HopingAgain]

As a betrayed spouse still married to the cheater, you are now in a marriage where fidelity has been unilaterally declared by your spouse to be unimportant to them (even if it remains important to you). By inference, in cheating on you, they've stated that your fidelity is just as unimportant as theirs is.

 

That would make it much easier for a betrayed spouse to cheat in the future, wherever they happen to be on the spectrum of potential as a possible cheater.

 

Yes, and this is one of the reasons why WS suddenly find it hard to doubt their BS faithfulness going forward.

[road]

Not revenge affairs.

 

I've heard this a few times and it seems counterintuitive, considering that a BS would have experienced firsthand all the pain and anguish an A brings. Any thoughts on why this might happen?

 

My first guess would be dissillusionment- they lived their life a certain way according to principles, thinking that would help protect them, and then the world came crashing down and they never fully recovered, "if you can't beat em join em"

 

Or

 

Sideways justice- "righting a wrong", (subconsciously), but with different people

 

Or

 

Morbid curiosity?

 

Am I way off? I'm somewhat concerned about this because I hear its common and whatever the psychology is behind it I want to know so I can avoid developing it.

 

I asked my therapist and she said I shouldnt be concerned with that- she said I am far too analytic and neurotic to be in danger of such a thing. She's irritating me. I get thoughtful answers from LS for free.

 

 

The way their WS justified having an affair.

 

The BS/WS now justifies their affair.

 

Just because the BS/WS waits ten years to have their affair does not mean it is not a revenge affair/RA.

 

That BS when sliding down the path to their RA used the well my WS had an affair so I deserve my own affair to justify their cheating.

[ladydesigner]

I was a BS first then a fMOW then a BS two more times.

 

At first I felt this way

Sideways justice- "righting a wrong", (subconsciously)

 

But then I realized for me to have taken this path I had to have something broken in me too. I have had very poor impulse control, addictive behavior, and very poor coping skills which all help play into why I made the choice. It is a choice I have to live with and I am in intensive counseling and medications working myself.

 

Just wanted to add that my bad coping skills got worse with my WH's last A, so it is something I will always need to work on. Those coping skills being addiction and cutting.

[Woggle]

Some people don't ever want to be the victim again so they become the victimizer. I came very close to doing that after my divorce because I never wanted to be played for a fool again.

[ladydesigner]

Some people don't ever want to be the victim again so they become the victimizer. I came very close to doing that after my divorce because I never wanted to be played for a fool again.

 

 

Interesting I have been abused as a child and as an adult and can totally relate to this even though I know it is not an excuse, but it makes sense to me how it can happen. Again it still does not make an A or RA right.

[Woggle]

Interesting I have been abused as a child and as an adult and can totally relate to this even though I know it is not an excuse, but it makes sense to me how it can happen. Again it still does not make an A or RA right.

 

I agree but it is a misguided and sick kind of protection mechanism.

[Betterthanthis13]

As a betrayed spouse still married to the cheater, you are now in a marriage where fidelity has been unilaterally declared by your spouse to be unimportant to them (even if it remains important to you). By inference, in cheating on you, they've stated that your fidelity is just as unimportant as theirs is.

 

That would make it much easier for a betrayed spouse to cheat in the future, wherever they happen to be on the spectrum of potential as a possible cheater.

 

That inference assumes that the BS and the WS think that their personal fidelity is a value they uphold in order to ensure the happiness of the relationship, and/ or their partner. I'm learning that most people think this way. Therefore, if their own personal happiness was determined to be unsatisfactory in the relationship, or they felt they were happy but could be happier with more, fidelity becomes an inconvenient obstacle instead of a binding internal law they can't break.

 

I have always been faithful because I determined through much thought a long long time ago that it always benefits me not to cheat. PLUS it is better for the relationship and the other person. So maybe my thinking is selfish and lopsided. I don't know. I think I just need to find a weirdo that thinks like I do.

[Spark1111]

Some people don't ever want to be the victim again so they become the victimizer. I came very close to doing that after my divorce because I never wanted to be played for a fool again.

 

More truth in this statement!

 

many an affair can be a way of empowering oneself unconsciously.

 

If you lost a spouse to their AP, you may feel she had all the power and you had none.

 

years later, lonely and vulnerable, seducing a MM can be a way to reclaim the power that was taken from you.

 

Whether you admit that to yourself or not. You get to best someone after having once been bested.

[Spark1111]

How many divorced due to infidelity BSs go on to become OW?

 

Too many to count. Sad really, having known that pain how they could perpetrate it on another innocent victim.

 

If that isn't a way to feel superior to the BS, I do not know what is.

 

We even see, years after the fact, the OW, now wife, still going on and on about the fBS, as if she was the spawn of the devil.....STILL!

[dichotomy]

I think I just need to find a weirdo that thinks like I do.

 

 

Ding ding ding - we have winner !

 

Now when your able to read the thoughts of someone, know their deepest beliefs, and can be sure... please teach me how....okay.

 

Because trying to lead and teach an adult to change their views and beliefs and grow as a person .... is both emotionally exhausting AND expensive - and your not going to get a "thank you" for it. I know this all too well.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ding ding ding - we have winner !

 

Now when your able to read the thoughts of someone, know their deepest beliefs, and can be sure... please teach me how....okay.

 

Because trying to lead and teach an adult to change their views and beliefs and grow as a person .... is both emotionally exhausting AND expensive - and your not going to get a "thank you" for it. I know this all too well.

 

Lol... A "thank you"? Oh no. You are likely to get yelled at or punched, or at the minimum a blank stare and possibly a condescending, amused chuckle, for offering such services unrequested. A better use of time is trying to explain your way of thinking to a telephone pole.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ding ding ding - we have winner !

 

Now when your able to read the thoughts of someone, know their deepest beliefs, and can be sure... please teach me how....okay. .

 

Because trying to lead and teach an adult to change their views and beliefs and grow as a person .... is both emotionally exhausting AND expensive - and your not going to get a "thank you" for it. I know this all too well.

 

Dichotomy: I thought about your challenge above, and I have a solution. Well, sort of. I have an analogy.

 

First, imagine an architect designing a dream house. The architect would use a mechanical pencil and all sorts of mathematical, logical calculations, and a technical drawing to design a house.

 

Now, imagine a world class artist designing a dream house. There could be any number of ways an artist has a vision, method, and materials, but somehow can create art representative of a house.

 

Which is "better"? Neither, really. The architect could argue that his design is beautiful and artistic. The artist might not agree. The artist could argue that if both houses were actually built, a random tornado could take them both down tomorrow so all the planning in the world was useless and since his was built out of pure love and not some calculations, his was better. And so on.

 

So if you are an architect and an artist has hurt you, they dont have to reinvent themselves and go to architecture school and start doing technical drawings. You can still appreciate art. You just may not want to live with it or use it to build your house next time. You can build your house with a fellow architect and visit the art museum on the weekends if that is more palatable.

 

It's not like architects can't make mistakes. They screw up too, calculations can be wrong. Architects can hurt artists, architects can hurt architects, artists can hurt artists. The difference is artists understand each other on a fundamental level, and architects understand each other on a fundamental level, so when mistakes are made and hurt is experienced, its easier to process because it makes sense.

 

The choice everyone has, every single one of us, is to figure out what we are, figure out what your partner is, and either learn to appreciate them as they fundamentally are, and find a way to work their system with yours, or realize you made a grave mistake and make some big life changes.

[dichotomy]

ppppfffftttttt….(spitting coffee on my drawings)....that analogy hit a little too close to.... home.

[Betterthanthis13]

ppppfffftttttt….(spitting coffee on my drawings)....that analogy hit a little too close to.... home.

 

Lol I was up till 3 am thinking about that! The first version had a robot and a painter but robot didnt really work.

 

I also think there is a third, entirely different charachter- I'm still trying to think of an appropriate metaphorical representation that is non offensive to the person it represents, but in essence it would be one who bases their value system solely on faith in a higher power.

[compulsivedancer]

Some people don't ever want to be the victim again so they become the victimizer. I came very close to doing that after my divorce because I never wanted to be played for a fool again.

This is kind of what it sounds like when you hear if from the people on LS who are now OMs. It sounds like they think, well I did everything right and it didn't matter. So screw it, I'm going to do whatever I feel like. Also, there seems to be just a general level of bitterness toward all relationships, which maybe underlyingly makes them want to sabotage other people. ("I'm not happy. No one else should be happy") or even perhaps they feel like they're pointing out the flaws that exist in a marriage. ("If it wasn't me, it would've been someone else, so I might as well get it over with.")

[katielee]

many reasons:

when your spouse has an affair your self-esteem is shot. The vows have already been broken so why not get your own external validation....

Also, it's a way to level the playing field. The WS is always the 'bad" spouse... some BS can't handle that and equal it out again.