campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 This is my first post in here so I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations yet. A little background: I was together with my ex for 5 years and the last year the relationship kinda went downhill. It was at this point I had a 10 week holiday on my own and met my current girlfriend. So yes, I cheated on my ex and that was the breaking point which split us last year. So my current GF and I have been together now for 1 year and the whole relationship has been long distance. She lives on a different continent so we've seen each other physically 2 times (first time for 10 weeks when we became a couple in her country, second time in my country for 12 weeks). Other than that we do a lot of whatsapping, skyping, chatting and phone calls. We chat/talk several times a day. Being long distance is a bitch so we are planning on getting married 6 months from now and for her to move to my country 12 months from now. Until then we will see each other two times (4 weeks + 12 weeks). We love each other and have a great relationship despite some friction here and there. We saw each other last in march 2013. I think I got insecure when she went back home, can't really pinpoint why. She told me her FB password once so I ended up snooking in her account for no good reason. She has alot of male friends, she's an attractive woman and she gets alot of messages saying "hey pretty, how are you" and such. Which I kinda don't like because I find it disrespectful towards me when all these guys knows she has a boyfriend. But I've settled with the fact that she doesn't really care about those messages, she just answers politely to avoid negative tension with these guys. Most of them are friends she sees from time to time, like when going to a party or at her university. Btw she's 25 and I'm 28. One day there was this guy who had come to their university for exchange, he is from India. My GF and some of her friends became close with this guy and hung out alot for the few weeks he was there. This kinda got me abit insecure, I would ask her wether there was anything between them and she would say "of course not" although she admitted he was a close friend. When he left the country my girlfriend was kinda sad, which I would understand. Now a week later I got completely shocked when I was browsing through her last week of messages when seeing her saying "I love you", "I miss you" and "I miss the sex alot" to this guy! So I basically confronted her and of course had to admit that I had been snooking, so to begin with I was the one apologizing to her for snooking. But eventually she broke down, admitted everything (well, everything that the messages would imply, I don't know what more has happened). The "truth" as it stands now is that they went on a few "friend" dates where she would be tempted to kiss him but didn't. And the last night before he left the country they stayed at a hotel, got drunk and ended up having sex. Plus she made out with him at the airport when saying goodbye. The important part for me is not how many times they did it, but the fact that she lied about it in the first place. This makes me doubt if they had sex only once, and if they are still in touch. After my confrontation we decided that she would meet him on skype and say goodbye and that would be the last time she would ever have contact with him. If not, I would leave her. And so she did (although, I never know what was said on skype between them) and up until this point I havent seen one message on her mail or facebook between them. I am now fully allowed to snook btw, because she also wants transparency. Whats your advice on this one? Do I think she had a crush on him? Yes. Do I think she loved him? No, I think it was infatuation. Her answer to this is that he became a close friend, he was pretty and when she was drunk she got horny and couldnt resist this womanizer. She also missed the attention and being touched. Did I trust her before the affair? Yes, at least to some extent. It was my insecurity that drove me to snooking, so that one is "my own fault". But after the affair? I trust her less. I'm confident she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, I'm just not that confident she won't cheat again. She also seems willing to help making me trust her, but that is difficult as long as we are doing long distance. I can't see her phone, I haven't been to her skype. Do I love her? Yes, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her as long as she doesn't cheat. So I'm seing her 10 days from now (can't wait:) but there is this itch in me that wants to check her skype and whatsapp messages when I get there. Whats your advice, do I ask her (which would make her sad because we are trying to get over the incident and I have forgiven her by word) or do I just check it secretly?
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Right now I have this weird feeling. If I check her phone and find messages confirming she has cheated on me more than what she's said, the solution is clear: I must leave the relationship. If I check her phone and don't find anything it would feel reassuring but I'm not completely confident it will leave me trusting her fully. If I don't check her phone, I will never know and eventually I would just have to either trust her or not. And at this point I want to trust her and I feel like the more time passes by the more I trust her.
Steen719 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 This is my first post in here so I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations yet. A little background: I was together with my ex for 5 years and the last year the relationship kinda went downhill. It was at this point I had a 10 week holiday on my own and met my current girlfriend. So yes, I cheated on my ex and that was the breaking point which split us last year. So my current GF and I have been together now for 1 year and the whole relationship has been long distance. She lives on a different continent so we've seen each other physically 2 times (first time for 10 weeks when we became a couple in her country, second time in my country for 12 weeks). Other than that we do a lot of whatsapping, skyping, chatting and phone calls. We chat/talk several times a day. Being long distance is a bitch so we are planning on getting married 6 months from now and for her to move to my country 12 months from now. Until then we will see each other two times (4 weeks + 12 weeks). We love each other and have a great relationship despite some friction here and there. We saw each other last in march 2013. I think I got insecure when she went back home, can't really pinpoint why. She told me her FB password once so I ended up snooking in her account for no good reason. She has alot of male friends, she's an attractive woman and she gets alot of messages saying "hey pretty, how are you" and such. Which I kinda don't like because I find it disrespectful towards me when all these guys knows she has a boyfriend. But I've settled with the fact that she doesn't really care about those messages, she just answers politely to avoid negative tension with these guys. Most of them are friends she sees from time to time, like when going to a party or at her university. Btw she's 25 and I'm 28. One day there was this guy who had come to their university for exchange, he is from India. My GF and some of her friends became close with this guy and hung out alot for the few weeks he was there. This kinda got me abit insecure, I would ask her wether there was anything between them and she would say "of course not" although she admitted he was a close friend. When he left the country my girlfriend was kinda sad, which I would understand. Now a week later I got completely shocked when I was browsing through her last week of messages when seeing her saying "I love you", "I miss you" and "I miss the sex alot" to this guy! So I basically confronted her and of course had to admit that I had been snooking, so to begin with I was the one apologizing to her for snooking. But eventually she broke down, admitted everything (well, everything that the messages would imply, I don't know what more has happened). The "truth" as it stands now is that they went on a few "friend" dates where she would be tempted to kiss him but didn't. And the last night before he left the country they stayed at a hotel, got drunk and ended up having sex. Plus she made out with him at the airport when saying goodbye. The important part for me is not how many times they did it, but the fact that she lied about it in the first place. This makes me doubt if they had sex only once, and if they are still in touch. After my confrontation we decided that she would meet him on skype and say goodbye and that would be the last time she would ever have contact with him. If not, I would leave her. And so she did (although, I never know what was said on skype between them) and up until this point I havent seen one message on her mail or facebook between them. I am now fully allowed to snook btw, because she also wants transparency. Whats your advice on this one? Do I think she had a crush on him? Yes. Do I think she loved him? No, I think it was infatuation. Her answer to this is that he became a close friend, he was pretty and when she was drunk she got horny and couldnt resist this womanizer. She also missed the attention and being touched. Did I trust her before the affair? Yes, at least to some extent. It was my insecurity that drove me to snooking, so that one is "my own fault". But after the affair? I trust her less. I'm confident she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, I'm just not that confident she won't cheat again. She also seems willing to help making me trust her, but that is difficult as long as we are doing long distance. I can't see her phone, I haven't been to her skype. Do I love her? Yes, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her as long as she doesn't cheat. So I'm seing her 10 days from now (can't wait:) but there is this itch in me that wants to check her skype and whatsapp messages when I get there. Whats your advice, do I ask her (which would make her sad because we are trying to get over the incident and I have forgiven her by word) or do I just check it secretly? I am really not trying to be mean, but if you were my son (and you could be), this is what I would ask you to consider: 1. You cheated with her 2. She cheated on you a. she lied when caught b. she told him she loved him, missed the sex a lot (doesn't sound like once to me) 3. You have been together a total of 22 days and while you skype, etc., you say you have a great relationship despite friction - already? Skype and chat and whatever else is NOT day to day life. Of course you are thrilled still. 4. Marrying in 6 months, but not living together for 12? What is the rush to marry? Live together and see what you both are really like. And, "we are trying to get over the incident"? Well, I can see why she is - but you? Again, not intended to be mean, but you need to slow down and consider what you are doing. You have a lifetime ahead and taking your time to consider this more might be worth it to you in the future and save you a lot of heartache. IMHO, you are headed on the wrong path.
miguelcervantes Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I agree. You are rushing headlong into a "marriage" with someone who is quite comfortable with cheating and is emotionally immature at this stage (as you might well be too). Being drunk is certainly not an excuse for what happened and you are being trickle truthed to say the least. The signs are that they hooked pretty early on and may I say, very easily from her side. Be very careful here - you are clearly thinking with your heart and not your head right now.
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 She didn't seem to lie when I caught her cheating. Everything I had found out through snooping was aligned with what she was telling me, plus she was giving me details I hadnt asked for and didnt know about. Hurtful details, like how she actually felt the temptation but was full of guilt afterwards, or the fact that she enjoyed the sex. She wasn't denying anything when I confronted her, but at that point I didn't know what to believe. We have been together physically for a total of 10+12 weeks, which is close to 6 months. We played house for those last 12 weeks and saw that as sort of a huge test on the relationship, and it went very fine. She's met my parents and friends, its like we are in a good stable relationship except for this incident thats haunting us and especially me. I think she's pretty much over it judging from the tone of her voice when I bring it up and all. It's like she just wants to forget about the whole thing. Which is why I don't wanna hurt her more by constantly nagging her and asking to check her inboxes everywhere. About living together before marrying, well its impossible for me to move there or her to move here unless we marry. Simple. So its either we marry and give everything a go, or we stay in a long distance relationship forever. Which for me means breaking up, because LDR forever is pointless. And I really do want to give us a go, but the issue I guess is trust and how I should move forward with things.
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I agree. You are rushing headlong into a "marriage" with someone who is quite comfortable with cheating and is emotionally immature at this stage (as you might well be too). Being drunk is certainly not an excuse for what happened and you are being trickle truthed to say the least. The signs are that they hooked pretty early on and may I say, very easily from her side. Be very careful here - you are clearly thinking with your heart and not your head right now. I'm not excusing her of cheating on me. It broke my heart that she made that decision and I have made her aware of that. Honestly speaking I'm still pissed off about it, but choose to work my way around it reminding myself that she's been faithful ever after and that she loves me.
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I think this is a by product of a dishonest relationship from the start, if honesty was not built in to the foundation of a relationship it's probably very hard to add it in later. Dishonest from the start, how? Yes I cheated on my ex with her but I came clean once I got home and we broke up. As much as my ex was hurt, I was also struggling to cope with the fact that I had hurt someone I care about so much. I was very open with all of this with my current girlfriend.
Owl Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Campfire...your responses indicate that you've already made up your mind on this. What are you hoping that we'll be able to do for you? 1
noble Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 campfire, i think you're girlfriend is lying. for example, you stated she wrote the guy saying "i miss the sex".. i think this sort of implies that they had sex more than once. "the sex".. making it sound like a usual thing, not the ONE thing they supposedly had sex. I would never tell a guy i hooked up with once that I "missed the sex" because one time isn't enough.. I know she will lie and try to convince you that it only happened once, but it didn't. it happened multiple times, enough for her to be professing love to him. how would she feel if you screwed one of your female friends and told her you loved her? yeah.. she wouldnt be able to forgive you. also, you guys havent been together very long. there shouldnt be any cheated, and if she was lonely and tempted she should have talked to you about it. what happens if you get married, and then, god forbid, you have to be separated for a while? will she have free reign to cheat? i understand that physical distance can increase the temptation to cheat, but it does not justify someone cheating. either you're committed to one person and that relationship, or you aren't. and it sounds like she wasnt committed fully to you, and it also sounds that she was maybe also in a bit of a relationship with this other guy.
HopingAgain Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I think this is a by product of a dishonest relationship from the start, if honesty was not built in to the foundation of a relationship it's probably very hard to add it in later. Very true! Relationships that start out from infidelity are already on shaky ground. 1
jlola Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Very true! Relationships that start out from infidelity are already on shaky ground. Let me put it this way. She was willing to start up a relationship with a MM . Says a lot about how she views commitment. I do understand you felt bad about the affair, but you were also willing to start this up, even long distance where you both had a log time to think this out clearly. Now she cheated on you. I agree " I miss the sex" implies it was done more than once. A good liar will feed you a bit of the truth, but withhold what she wants kept from you. So you focus on the truth she told you,not wanting to admit she was able to lie before, so why not now? The bigger issue is the fact she has already cheated on you in what should be the "honeymoon" period where for most ,the very thought of cheating during that period is revered. She is too immature for a relationship and seeks validation from men. She will cheat again, mark my word. A friend was having an affair with a MW. AFTER the affair he found out his "soulmate" had been having an affair with her betrayed spouse and he left his wife for her. It was soon after her marriage ,she met my friend at work and they had so much "chemistry" and you know the rest. They were "in love". She began to now have issues with the husband she had once been so in love with, she encouraged him to leave his marriage. He later found out on the tail end of the affair,she was having an affair with her BFFs husband. They would even go on vacations together. But this girl who looked so sweet was not to be trusted. BFf and husband divorced. Her husband is still with her. It seems some men never learn. I am sure she has sworn off affairs and has promised to be faithful. Plus she has 2 babies now. Her husband has basically put himself into a really bad mess. There were too many warnings. But his ego took over and she is just so pretty. He cannot believe so much evil lays behind the pretty face. But she really needs male attention and one man will never be enough. "They show you who they are and you refuse to believe it." 1
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Campfire...your responses indicate that you've already made up your mind on this. What are you hoping that we'll be able to do for you? I was hoping to get some advice on how to move forward and how to build trust. Also, I get what guys are saying here. She's not to be trusted and she might cheat again. So what can be done by me and by her in order to avoid that? Seems like I need to conduct another "D-day" or something. So I guess checking her phone and skype history when getting to her place is a good idea? If I just accuse her based on assumptions it would leave me and us in a dead-end I think.
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 campfire, i think you're girlfriend is lying. for example, you stated she wrote the guy saying "i miss the sex".. i think this sort of implies that they had sex more than once. "the sex".. making it sound like a usual thing, not the ONE thing they supposedly had sex. I would never tell a guy i hooked up with once that I "missed the sex" because one time isn't enough.. I know she will lie and try to convince you that it only happened once, but it didn't. it happened multiple times, enough for her to be professing love to him. how would she feel if you screwed one of your female friends and told her you loved her? yeah.. she wouldnt be able to forgive you. also, you guys havent been together very long. there shouldnt be any cheated, and if she was lonely and tempted she should have talked to you about it. what happens if you get married, and then, god forbid, you have to be separated for a while? will she have free reign to cheat? i understand that physical distance can increase the temptation to cheat, but it does not justify someone cheating. either you're committed to one person and that relationship, or you aren't. and it sounds like she wasnt committed fully to you, and it also sounds that she was maybe also in a bit of a relationship with this other guy. Yeah, I really reacted to the "I miss the sex alot" comment too. It sadly implies multiple times. At this point I really wanna find out more. I want one of these two things to happen: 1) Investigate and find nothing, enabling me to trust her or 2) Investigate and find bad stuff, forcing me to leave In no way do I justify her cheating. It took alot to give her a 2nd chance. But I did decide to give her a 2nd chance and I feel like I should add that instead of denying and becoming defensive when confronting her with facts, she gave the impression of wanting to come completely clean and showed alot of remorse and regret. Not for one day, but up until this day. I do agree it sounds like she is not fully committed to me through her actions, but in terms of words and body language I feel her commitment. But that might just be my heart thinking and not my head as people have suggested.
Author campfire Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 The bigger issue is the fact she has already cheated on you in what should be the "honeymoon" period where for most ,the very thought of cheating during that period is revered. She is too immature for a relationship and seeks validation from men. She will cheat again, mark my word. Long distance relationships are different in my opinion. The honeymoon period stops the moment you are apart, and it starts everytime you get together. I do get your point though. Cheating shouldn't be an issue at all if you are in a fresh healthy relationship. Your words are marked. I hope you will be proven wrong.
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