What do I do?

[lukekarts]

My ex-girlfriend and I had been together almost 10 years, I'm 29, she is 28. After our careers somewhat stagnated, we took the decision to relocate back to Oxford last summer. She moved in September, and I eventually accepted a job offer in March before moving down in June. We agreed I’d sell my car, and rather than move in with a friend, I’d move into her small flat she was sharing with a Uni friend.

 

Our relationship had been fantastic. Our friends were quite jealous, we spent most of our disposable income doing great things, weekends away, holidays, comedy gigs, theatre, bars etc. We had a great social group which we knew mainly as a couple. She was a little less stable than me, having a mid-20's career change into teaching, which I supported her through University (long-distance), and she also found two of her closest friends, and her sister, separating from her husband in the last 12 months very hard to deal with. I stood by her, was supportive, and all of my friends (and her friends) re-assured me I was being a great boyfriend.

 

From my perspective, everything was good, although she called me just before I moved down to say she was really worried about us living together and her religious beliefs – going to the point of suggesting she felt like she’d be struck down by lightning by God or something if we moved in. (We had never lived together, though spend most nights with one another outside of our time at University). I had respected her other beliefs – no sex before marriage – although we still did everything but. Other than those worries, everything seemed ok and I asked her to talk to me if she had any further concerns.

 

 

The first week of living together, I made a great impression. I had a week off between work, so I cooked dinner for her flatmate and her every night, even receiving compliments like 'he's a keeper' from our flatmate, which my girlfriend responded positively to.

 

 

After 3 weeks of living together, we even looked at new flats and were about 90% through signing the tenancy and had paid all the initial fees. However, we were unlucky enough to have a fire beneath our flat one night which caused massive smoke damage to everything. We had to take some time off work to get things back in shape. She seemed pretty grumpy but I thought I understood why due to the circumstances.

 

 

I was 150 miles away at a car race that weekend and she had some friends down, which is when disaster struck. We were texting on the Sunday, and she was clearly unhappy about something, which I kept probing why. Anyway, she went quiet for a few hours, and when I chased her up she text me to say ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do us anymore’.

 

 

For me, it came completely out of the blue, not only the content of the message but the fact she had done it via text message, about 20 minutes before I was about to race, knowing I had a 150 mile drive home that evening.

 

 

Somewhat stupidly, I still raced the car (which in hindsight I probably risked my life in doing) – and then set off on my journey home. It was horrible; I had to keep stopping to compose myself. I eventually got back to our flat at 10pm; she just sat on the stairs crying. I smashed a photo frame of us, threw some things around, she continued crying and barely said anything. I gathered some things, and walked a couple miles to a friend’s house, told him what happened, and basically collapsed onto an airbed. No car, no permanent place to live, and a new job to hold down. I was a wreck.

 

 

 

It was a further week before she would see me, where she basically explained she loved me but wasn’t in love with me, needed to find herself, wasn’t happy in herself, you deserve to find happiness with someone else, said it doesn’t feel right and if it doesn’t now it never will, thinking it since October. Basically a whole load of clichéd GIGS stuff.

 

 

Through all this, I carried on working, arranged counselling, but have been steadily downhill since then.

 

 

All I’m left with is anger and sadness. Why didn’t she tell me before I left all my family and friends behind, handed in my notice at my old job? Or why didn’t she encourage me to move in with my friend rather than her? Why did she text me? Why did she risk my life by doing it just before I raced? Why do it when I was 150 miles away? Why the hell did she have to basically make me homeless, take me from my friends and family, and ruin my life as well as breaking up with me?

 

 

Two weeks after the breakup, I got really, really drunk, not through alcohol consumed but basically because I’d had no food for two weeks. Don’t remember what happened at all (the weekend is completely absent from my mind) but I got arrested on her birthday (17th July) over allegations of cyber-harassment. Phone and laptop confiscated as evidence. Bailed unit end of Sept. Police enforced NC!

 

She has gone to Australia with a friend for a month (no idea how she can afford that but I guess it is not my place).

 

I honestly have no idea what is going on in my head. My old GP prescribed diazepam (I have since moved GP to Oxford) but I got really weird side effects, hallucinations and memory loss. I saw a GP yesterday who thinks I may be sinking into long-term depression. I’ve had suicidal thoughts (though not actions) and having a police case as well as the most ridiculous set of stressful circumstances (new job, two moves, fire, breakup, arrest) I can possibly string together.

 

Oh and today I go to hospital for an X-ray on a suspected slipped disc in my back or trapped nerve in my hip. Yay.

 

How the hell to I recover from this? It’s 6 weeks and I feel like my life couldn’t get any worse. Often I just think about walking in front of a bus.

 

I know my actions and her actions make reconciliation at some point a complete impossibility, but I also can't shake the hate (and clearly, by getting the police involved, she now hates me to). I'm struggling to hold down my new job with everything going on and just feel so broken.

[lukekarts]

Anyone have any advice?

 

I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I can't shake these horrible thoughts. I'm thinking of just going off on a random drive for a few hours.

[xsanex]

Hey man. I can relate. I was with my girl for 10 years. She left me due to my actions and took with her all of the things that made my life manageable. The circumstances that come with breakups are different for everyone. Some people only have to deal with the person leaving. You and I have to contend with much more. I basically sat down (at my lowest point) and wrote down the things I STILL had after she left. My job, home, family etc.. Just knowing that ALL was not lost helped me find a foundation to (and still am) build on. Our stories are very similar. I, too, made things worse with my temper and I'm now seeing a therapist to control those emotions.

[eleve82]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this pain, lukekarts. 10 years is hard - mine was half the duration and I still find it hard one year after to get over.

 

If a girl manages to say that infamous one liner, it's time to let her go. She may or not come back but 10 years is a long time for her to come to such a conclusion. This will probably be a huge test of your emotional strength but I'm sure you will get through it. If it is any consolidation, you're still young! Keep your chin up and just use this opportunity to meet other types of girls. Don't contact your ex and delete all her contacts!