Marriage is struggling

[Applefairy]

Hi everyone, I came here looking for some advice as I don't have many people I can talk to about this offline. Please bear with me as this is a long post.

 

I've been married to my husband for three years, but we've been together for almost nine. In the last two years I have had health problems which induced a lot of anxiety in me, so things have been difficult. For the last 8 months I've had daily problems that make life very challenging, but for the first few months I had no idea what was happening to me and was very sick - I'm able to function again now thankfully.

 

My health problems & the added difficulties with anxiety took their toll on my marriage, my husband found it very hard to deal with. It's understandable because he was the only one to deal with me every day and was under a lot of pressure. Late last year he slipped into his own depression and I convinced him to start seeing a therapist to help deal with his own problems. We were also having difficulties like lack of a sex life (my fault, not his) and we arguing a lot about things like his moodiness or my anxiety.

 

Earlier this year an old girlfriend of his got in touch, just to say hello (she's in a relationship) and see how he was doing. This threw him for a loop, our marriage was already struggling, he had a lot of weight on his shoulders and he discovered that he still had a lot of feelings for this old girlfriend which he told her about. They met up a couple of times just to talk about it, and nothing happened between them but I know he told her that he still loves her and wasn't sure he had made the right decision choosing to be with me. I found out about it all and well, with the added stress of my bad health things didn't go so well here for a while. He says now that he realised very quickly that his old feelings weren't really there anymore and that a proper relationship with her would never have been possible.

 

We started marriage counselling together, but really we needed to do this without the addition of this old girlfriend getting in touch - it was just the catalyst for us beginning therapy.

 

A couple of months down the line and things seem to be going ok between us, but I am struggling. I'm finding it hard to access how I really feel about this marriage and my husband now. I am very fond of him but I'm not sure that I love him or if I'm attracted to him anymore. When I try to think about it I feel blank, like there's nothing there - I feel like that about a lot of things in my life at the moment, like I'm numb and cannot access what I really think and feel. I think that this year has just been so stressful that Im a bit overwhelmed and kind of squashed everything down so that I could forget about the stress and focus on my health and getting better (even minor stress makes my condition worse, I need to relax to get better).

 

On top of not knowing what I want from my marriage anymore, I have the issue of growing feelings for another man who I barely know, barely see and he has no idea that I feel this way. I see him every few weeks and honestly I feel sad about how my brief contact with him is one of the only things in my life right now that makes me happy, it is the only thing that I look forward to. It's one of the only things that I can actually FEEL something about and it makes me happy.

 

I've questioned these feelings a lot, the nature of my attraction to him and how it's coming at this time when I am unhappy in my marriage. Also the fact that I barely know him yet feel some sort of connection, it doesn't make much sense.

 

Last night I dreamed that I told this other man how I felt, and discovered that he felt the same way too. It wasn't a sexual dream, but we embraced and I felt loved by him. I woke in the middle of the night not glad that I hadn't actually cheated on my husband, but devastated that the dream wasn't real - I don't know if this tells me a lot about my marriage or if it was just a simple wish fulfilling dream that I should forget about.

 

I have not mentioned anything about my feelings for this other person in our marriage counselling - I don't want to add anything into the mix of everything else that will cause problems if it's not necessary.

 

I cannot afford my own counselling right now as we are already struggling a bit financially and my husbands counselling, the marriage counselling and my health issues have been costing a lot collectively. I did find a charity that do cheap counselling, but in one session with them saw very quickly that the counsellor wasn't very professional and didn't have the capacity to either fully understand or offer helpful advice.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here - maybe someone who's been in a similar situation or some advice from others who have seen this before. I just don't know if I want this marriage to continue or if it's even possible to love someone again. How can I tell if I still love my husband when I feel so numb? Is it unfair to feel this way about someone else and still be in a marriage? Should I do something with these feelings or just hope that they will go away. I'm afraid to be out on my own in the world again, and afraid to make a mistake in breaking up a marriage while I'm feeling so unsure and unstable. Everything just seems to terrifying and overwhelming at the moment.

[TaraMaiden]

Come clean.

 

Split up.

 

Flogging dead horses is decidedly unproductive.

Edited August 8, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let's just add to this:

 

I say the following because sadly, this problem is neither singular nor unique.

in fact, it happens an awful lot, so you're definitely NOT alone.

 

When a woman's feelings for her husband, fade, change, transform or die, there's no going back.

 

It can't be done.

Now you can look at all manner of different mitigating factors, but the bottom line, remains the same.

 

It's just not doing it for you any more.

Reasons, are secondary. The fact is, you are losing the will to do any work at it, and that's because your heart's just not in it.

 

The fact that your emotional state is so easily swayed by night-time imagery, and the occasional, impersonal fleeting meeting with this guy, once in a while, is further testimony to the fact that actually, not being in love with your H isn't all that hard.

 

you WANT to be loved, you want to be made to feel wonderful, and you feel dead guilty for that, because you know it's not with your H.

 

So, I therefore reiterate the above advice.

Cut your losses, quit spending money on the fruitless task of counselling, and agree to go your separate ways.

[Applefairy]

Thanks Tara, I admit that your first post seemed very black & white, but with your second post I understand what you are saying.

 

I don't really like what you've written, but I think that's because you've hit the nail on the head and Im sad that it is the case. It's not easy to admit these things to ourselves, especially when you feel so confused.

 

I think what's keeping me here is a combination of guilt, fear and lack of self love. He is a good man, I don't want to let him down, but that also keeps him from having a true relationship.

 

Thanks for your words, I have a lot of reflecting to do on my next steps.