waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 We are doing OK. Making lots of effort. Spending time together. But I am also doing a lot more FOR ME. I needed to, I've been the chief cook and bottle washer in our family too long. H is doing better at taking responsibility for things. It's all good. But I still have rumblings of uncertainty. I would be the first to admit that our marriage had entered a sort of dormant phase. So much had got in between us. I remember how exciting it was just to be together at first, how wonderful to be able to spend the night, to get our own place, to slowly build up joint possessions (at first all we owned was a mattress, a sofa bad and a table with benches, loads of books, records and posters!) - then the 'things' (including the kids I guess) began to take on more and more importance and we became fossilised under layers of worries and responsibilities. I thought we had both accepted that. That was what our life was. That was what our marriage was, That was what we were. Then H met someone else and fell in love with her - all of a sudden he was a different being, he wasn't over 'all that' he just wasn't interested in that with ME. He tells me that isn't the case - he never stopped loving me - he never wanted to be without me - he felt that I didn't want him. Most of the time I beleive him but sometimes I have doubts. He has stirred things up and forced our marriage to change. Whether it can long-term I don't know. I think he is happy where we are now - he only ever wanted me just with more sex and affection - it's me that isn't sure. Remorseful reconciling spouses have to be aware that they have asked a question - they might not like the answer they get. 2
findingnemo Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Waterwoman, I'm sorry you're going through this. What you say is true. When your spouse has an A or several, it changes everything. While in some ways it makes people more open (when they work through the issues of course), I think the BS can never blindly trust the WS again. There's always a fear that the rug will pulled from under you when you least expect it. I don't know how long it takes to relax and go with the flow. I never go to that point. So your H seems happy now with more sex and affection? Do you feel like it is forced on your part? Are you feeling ambivalent about being affectionate with him? What is the question WS' ask that they may not like the answer to? 1
Author waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 What is the question WS' ask that they may not like the answer to? What do you think of our marriage? Are you happy? Is this what you want? Questions of that nature. I am fine with the way we are interacting. Much happier than I was. But I have started to wonder if this is really what I want. He rang the bell and he can't unring it. 4
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 We are doing OK. Making lots of effort. Then H met someone else and fell in love with her - all of a sudden he was a different being, he wasn't over 'all that' he just wasn't interested in that with ME. He tells me that isn't the case - he never stopped loving me - he never wanted to be without me - he felt that I didn't want him. Most of the time I beleive him but sometimes I have doubts. He has stirred things up and forced our marriage to change. Whether it can long-term I don't know. I think he is happy where we are now - he only ever wanted me just with more sex and affection - it's me that isn't sure. Remorseful reconciling spouses have to be aware that they have asked a question - they might not like the answer they get. Waterwoman, I am sorry you are feeling this way. It's kinda a lame thing to say I know. So (mom hugs) I agree with your statement, I think what you are saying is...if there had been no affair, the efforts to reinforce your marriage would have been great because of the for better for worse commitment. But since your husband indicated it (marriage whatever) wasn't enough to satisfy him, you are now wondering if it will ever be enough again, for you. I am sorry I don't know your story, but you did say in this thread that he had fallen in love with someone else, but says he always loved you. Is reconciling that some of the issue? Or are you saying that once you started to imagine a life where you get to experience new things (while dealing with devastation) now that stays around like a longing?
jnel921 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Hi WW, you guys are still working through it. it takes time. My H just recently asked me about my feelings. He was hurt when I told him how hard it was to fight off the triggers and how every now and then I think about it all and question my decision to stay. He knows and realizes I did not deserve the hurt. He said he wished he could turn back time. How he made a terrible choice and how having this fun overshadowed his judgement. He feels stupid for doing this and said how extremely hurt he'd be had I done this to him. I believe we are on the same page now where he understands what he has done and what it did to us. I know your situation is different since your H said he fell in love with the OW but says he loved you too. I am not sure if I could have accepted that. If he chose his M and is doing the right things and has had NC with the OW then I think you are going down the right path. Perhaps he is not truly understanding your feelings and this is why you feel the way you do. You may need further MC if you haven't started already. 1
Author waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Thank you for your comments and sympathy. But I don't need the sympathy honestly . I am feeling stronger and more confident than I have for years. Part of that is being able to question everything - including my marriage. While it was what it was - a bit unhappy, dull maybe but safe - I knew where I was. H has forced it to change. I am changing too. He made this happen because he was unhappy. I just find it delightfully ironic. 4
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I would try to remove the feelng that WS only wants you for sex. That is highly unlikely. At least in my mind if that is all he wants, why buy the cow? What perhaps baffles me right now is that I reach a point where I think I am starting to understand something and then I just lose it and am once again clueless. If it s any consolation for you, your WS is in a much better place than I am so you have something to work with. I see a lot of people here focusing on the physical sex and I understand that. Physical sex is certainly important but I think it may be the least important thing going on in this sad scenario. I think it might help you to understand that because I think it is true. Sex is mostly in the head which is at both times a relief to know and confusing. The physical act is done and then it is over forever. There is nothing one can do about it. I go farther. I am not at.all into porn so maybe I am different. I cant think of anything more.ridiculous and embarrassing than watching people have sex. So if you follow that why focus on the physical? I mean the underlying problem exists regardless. I know mine existed for years and years and the A has awakened me. I have a hard time thinking this is good but I have to tell you my existence before the A was not good. It was not ok. I awakened because I needed to, badly. As for the spouse, my counselor says she is afraid to awaken. I don't know but I don't think she is any better off than I am. So, much easier said than done, I think a decision has to be made. Existing as I was is unacceptable. Growth? A good thing perhaps? I am wrestling with this myself, and am still very much looking for answers so please keep that in mind. It is very confusing but perhaps I pointed something out?
Author waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Thanks everyone. I don't think H just wanted more sex - he wanted to be wanted and desired. Preferably by me. His A didn't involve full sex (for what it's worth - personally it's not that big an issue for me). H wanted to feel loved - OW obliged and made him feel pretty wonderful. Hearing him say 'I love her' really hurt to start with. But looking at it calmly after the event I can only say his idea of being 'in love' is different from mine. He went NC with hardly a backward glance - after a few weeks of looking shell-shocked (down to the aftermath of dday as much as anything else) he seemed to be quite happy without her. He did say it was an infatuation - and it seemed to go away quite easily in the end. <shrug> I don't know. Not my business. My pride and self-esteem, not that strong in the first place, took a massive hit and it took me ages to realise that actually she wasn't better than me, she really isn't anything all that special, he didn't prefer her, he wasn't with me just for forms sake. I have got my mojo back. Their relationship, rather than appearing like some grand romance of star-crossed lovers, looks more like what it was, a grubby bit of fumbling and ego-stoking in the stationary cupboard. I am actually quite angry with myself that it all did me so much damage. So...here we are. He chose me. Hurrah! Break out the champagne. Aren't I the lucky one Thing is I still have to finally decide to choose him. And if I don't, it's his own fault. 4
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I so understand this feeling. As a team, we mastered our responsibilities, overcame adversity, raised our children and fell into bed soundly feeling slightly neglected BUT safe, if nothing else. Did I wish for more fun? Attention? Affection? Of course I did, and I vocalized it while resigning myself to fulfilling the responsibilities of our reality. one of the most painful realizations after DDAY, is how much time my H invested into his AP; the romance, cards, gifts, wooing....while I was withering on the vine doing chores in support of him and our family. never again. I get it. That bell cannot be unrung. My happiness comes first now. I learned to be selfish in the very best way for me. 3
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 And in addition to taking a hard look at myself.....when the dust had settled, I then took a hard look at him and thought, I do love you but do I WANT you in my future? 5
Author waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I so understand this feeling. As a team, we mastered our responsibilities, overcame adversity, raised our children and fell into bed soundly feeling slightly neglected BUT safe, if nothing else. Did I wish for more fun? Attention? Affection? Of course I did, and I vocalized it while resigning myself to fulfilling the responsibilities of our reality. one of the most painful realizations after DDAY, is how much time my H invested into his AP; the romance, cards, gifts, wooing....while I was withering on the vine doing chores in support of him and our family. never again. I get it. That bell cannot be unrung. My happiness comes first now. I learned to be selfish in the very best way for me. Yep! What you said. WH: <pout> 'I was so lonely and unloved, you put the kids first, you didn't want sex after working full-time, doing the housework, trying to keep yourself fit, cooking dinner, helping kids with homework.... boo hoo!!! Eh? What do you mean you knew how I felt? How could you know how I felt? No-one was as lonely and unloved as me! Hey? Where are you going? Come back!! This was supposed to be about meeeee.......' <wicked chortle> Oh I don't really mean it. H wasn't that bad. I've read about much worse MM on here - real doozies. I don't even think he went into it looking for anything - he met her, she made him feel good and he justified not stepping back because ' he felt unloved' at home. Thing is, SO DID I. And while he made a choice to stop seeing her because he couldn't lose me, he doesn't realise that I also had a choice to make. One that never occurred to me before the A. 1
dichotomy Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) I don't think H just wanted more sex - he wanted to be wanted and desired. Preferably by me. Hearing him say 'I love her' really hurt to start with. But looking at it calmly after the event I can only say his idea of being 'in love' is different from mine. Powerful insights. Helpful ones I think. Especially the last one - spent much time on that last one myself and in couples therapy. Edited August 8, 2013 by dichotomy
HopingAgain Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Waterwoman, I can so relate to whatv you're experiencing. I've been feeling like this myself the past week. That the marriage I thought I had is forever changed and that I can never look at WH the same way again. I love him very much but I will forever know what he is capable of, and it alters my view of him. I'm more cynical of relationships inv general and may never truly let my guard down with him again. It makes me angry thinking of living that way the rest of my life and I am starting to think about what I want as oppossed to marital goals. 1
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Yes, yes, yes! It's like I see him differently now. He will forever be a cheater and a liar in my eyes. He knows this and it kills him. He is not the Prince I married, he is something less than. I also think, you know I love him and I am committed to our reconciliation but there are lingering questions that were not there before. You put it perfectly, he can not unring that bell. Something has changed and who knows if and when it will affect me. Strong enough to stay, strong enough to leave....good for me, maybe not so much for him. I just told my WH this the other day it stinks doesn't it? There is a saying I've seen that says something along the lines of "I found my prince, too bad he turned out to be a frog." I think year 2 in reconciliation is usually the time where the BS starts to really examine the M. I am in year 2 and feel exactly the same way. Is this the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life? I know I love him and want it to work. He is a good father (now) and the kids have been reaping the benefits lately. But I know his major flaws now and personality disorder and it is something I am not taking lightly. His mask slipped for good with me and I hope he can redeem himself. 2
Author waterwoman Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks folks H and I went out for a meal last night. I mentioned this feeling I had that his affair had kicked the sleeping wolf. He laughed and said 'Have you only just realised that? I have always punched above my weight with you. T (OW) was safe because she was so ordinary' So there we are <shrug> An affair seems an odd way to deal with that but hey ho.....
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