IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'll just give a few facts that kind of bother me sometimes. - When me and my gf started dating she told me this guy from work was into her. - Fast forward she started to take this guy's kitten at her place A LOT. So they would see each other almost every day at work and every weekend to exchange the pet. - She got jealous of a friend of mine, so I mentioned that it was just friends like her and this guy. She said this guy was not really into her, he was just nice to everyone. She followed to reassure me by showing me their txts btw each other. All my eye caught while she was scrolling was her sending him pictures of her and the cat (back when we just started) and him not really being overly nice... - She scheduled me an eye-check with the guy (he's an eye doctor)... He was an hour late to the appointment, although he was in the office and made me almost miss an important meeting. My gf didn't find this offending or anything. I told her I find that unprofessional of him but she just kept making excuses as to why he was probably late. - She says they just have a very strict work-relationship but also tells me about her convos with him about how he's casually dating, what he wants in life or w.e. Like WTF... I don't really care... - She is his assistant.... I get really annoyed at some of this stuff. Wanted to see some other people's point of view.
MercuryMorrison1 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Based on the little information given here...I can honestly say I would be fighting back a little jealousy myself. I mean she admitted that he was ''into'' her, whatever that means. His being an hour late for the appointment you had with him IS unprofessional, I don't understand why your girlfriend would side with him on this. I'm supposing you don't have any definitive proof of foul play though? If so, there's not much you can do accept wait it out. 1
leafguy Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 IAmRobot, I will tell you that my current gf and I ended briefly due to a similar issue...my differences were that I caught her red handed and she was definitely emotionally cheating on me. The second is that the guy was new and within 6 months, they were into each other and I was oblivious for a while...least you knew going in where she stood with this guy at work. Give a bit of credit for that. It's natural to feel jealous and even a bit threatened by a male friend in your girl's life. Just keep an eye on it as best you can without being controlling, or mean about it. If you feel there is an issue, bring it up and ask her outright. She shouldnt get mad at you for saying how you feel and why you feel it.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Here's the catch. I honestly fully believe she would never cheat on me. But it hurts me to see her respect the guy so much and I honestly would break up with someone if I found out they thought someone could fulfill them better than me. Call it emotional cheating. Also my main thing is that when I tell her about this she goes into "protective mode", just saying that he wasnt even really into her, just was nice like he is with everyone.... He's also a good looking guy (I'd rate him same as me), and with a relative position of power to her, which I know is a massive attraction switch Said all this, she stopped taking care of his cat, although she absolutely loves cats, when I told her it was bothering me. She also gets very jealous of my female friend, which I assume means that she is very into me?
New User Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) Here's the catch. I honestly fully believe she would never cheat on me. But it hurts me to see her respect the guy so much and I honestly would break up with someone if I found out they thought someone could fulfill them better than me. Call it emotional cheating. Also my main thing is that when I tell her about this she goes into "protective mode", just saying that he wasnt even really into her, just was nice like he is with everyone.... He's also a good looking guy (I'd rate him same as me), and with a relative position of power to her, which I know is a massive attraction switch Said all this, she stopped taking care of his cat, although she absolutely loves cats, when I told her it was bothering me. She also gets very jealous of my female friend, which I assume means that she is very into me? I don't know that jealousy is an indication of anything other than a character flaw (extreme jealousy that is, I don't think that any of us are completely immune to feeling jealousy)- no offense. Having said that, the fact that she backed off of taking care of his cats when you told her it bothered you is a pretty strong indication that she values her relationship with you. If you've indicated that you feel jealous of her boss and she tried to minimize their relationship...... well, I'd kind of expect something along those lines independent of whether or not there is anything untoward going on there. It's her job- and while I don't know where you are, in my current location replacing a job is likely to be a nerve wracking and time consuming prospect if you aren't willing to move unless you have a highly sought after skill set. Her minimizing whatever her boss may have been feeling is completely understandable given the pressure that she would feel to find a new job if you overtly disapprove of the one that she has now. Around here that isn't a minor undertaking and would be a very scary prospect for most people. Oh, and at least around here appointments with medical professionals are routinely pushed back significantly. An hour delay wouldn't even be outside of normal. Edited August 8, 2013 by New User 1
BluEyeL Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 If she's his assistant they spend a lot of time one on one, and it's normal they talk a lot. It's good she respects him, it's necessary for a good work environment. That's the nature of her work. I notice in doctors' and dentists' offices there is a lot of talk between doctors and assistants, about their personal lives. It's not just "what time are you coming, what time are you leaving". It's impossible. If you know she's not going to cheat, I'd lay off this. Just make sure she is respectful of your feelings and don't exaggerate and create a problem where there are no real problems just because of your ego. 1
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I don't know that jealousy is an indication of anything other than a character flaw (extreme jealousy that is, I don't think that any of us are completely immune to feeling jealousy)- no offense. Having said that, the fact that she backed off of taking care of his cats when you told her it bothered you is a pretty strong indication that she values her relationship with you. If you've indicated that you feel jealous of her boss and she tried to minimize their relationship...... well, I'd kind of expect something along those lines independent of whether or not there is anything untoward going on there. It's her job- and while I don't know where you are, in my current location replacing a job is likely to be a nerve wracking and time consuming prospect if you aren't willing to move unless you have a highly sought after skill set. Her minimizing whatever her boss may have been feeling is completely understandable given the pressure that she would feel to find a new job if you overtly disapprove of the one that she has now. Around here that isn't a minor undertaking and would be a very scary prospect for most people. Oh, and at least around here appointments with medical professionals are routinely pushed back significantly. An hour delay wouldn't even be outside of normal. About the job: Noone's asking her to give up her job. I don't even care about how many guys hit on her. I care about how she acts and how honest she is with herself and me. And from the looks of it, I have this feeling that she was almost into this guy and made it seem like he was the one pursuing her... (At the very beginning she would tell me about every comment that he would make that would be suspicious) and now she went on to tell me that they have just a professional relationship and the guy is himself "really careful" to not step boundaries at work....??? HOW?? This was the same guy that was trying to flirt with you a while ago. 1
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Sooner or later you're gonna have to realize that all relationships are selfish by nature. Forget about everyone else. All their little "you're insecure, blah, blah, blah". Life is short. You've no time to live in situations you simply aren't comfortable in. Do whatever you can to live in peace. Nothing we can do about your girlfriend. Just make sure to have other options. I kind of agree with this. I just don;t wanna be uncomfortable. How is that a matter of security??? But the problem is, if I keep my options open she will go ballistic. We just don't have that kind of relationship. I've told her about all girls that might be into me and I've made sure to cut contacts with them... She is still jealous of a few of my female friends and anytime my ex gets brought up even for random reasons.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 She sounds immature and manipulative. How old is she? She's 27, I'm 25. I'll admit we're in a very emotionally involved relationship. It almost seems like we're teenagers sometimes . But it's also very fulfilling at times.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 If she's his assistant they spend a lot of time one on one, and it's normal they talk a lot. It's good she respects him, it's necessary for a good work environment. That's the nature of her work. I notice in doctors' and dentists' offices there is a lot of talk between doctors and assistants, about their personal lives. It's not just "what time are you coming, what time are you leaving". It's impossible. If you know she's not going to cheat, I'd lay off this. Just make sure she is respectful of your feelings and don't exaggerate and create a problem where there are no real problems just because of your ego. Great post. Yes I know that there is no problem other than my ego. And since I know that I just want her to be very honest about everything. I.e. - Yes he is my friend. Yes I might have found him attractive at some point. But right now he is in the friendzone... But when she tells me they just have work relations (and then she tells me about his personal life), or when she makes him look like a professional guy who is very cut clear that "work is work" (when she told me she had caught him in the office with another girl almost naked), or every other time when we talk about him (like the late appointment, or him trying to flirt with her) and she just rather takes the blame to herself, saying that it was her fault both times... I'm just like WTFFFF. Why do you have to defend this guy.
jennifersmith Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Is he an ophthalmologist or an optometrist? Is she an intern inspired to go to optometry school (or medical school)? From your post, it sounds more like your gf likes the doctor and not the reverse. If it's a strict work relationship, what is with the exchange of cat ? Did she get money for pet sitting?
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Is he an ophthalmologist or an optometrist? Is she an intern inspired to go to optometry school (or medical school)? From your post, it sounds more like your gf likes the doctor and not the reverse. If it's a strict work relationship, what is with the exchange of cat ? Did she get money for pet sitting? Yes she is an intern inspired to go to optometry school. Yes, that's the feeling I got. I think they were just kind of playing with each other at the beginning, before we were exclusive to see if one would catch the other's interest. I just get really pissed when she just denies everything and says they're just strict coworkers and she's being super careful... And no she doesn't get money from pet sitting. She just loves cats and she does it for free (she's done it to another girl I know), but with this guy it used to be almost every weekend... And that's why I got pissed off with the 1 hour late appointment (which was early morning by the way, so not like he had other patients)... She does him all these favors (with the pet sitting) and he can't even be professional to her bf?.. And when I told her she pretty much took all the blame on herself saying she should have scheduled better, when it was almost obvious that the guy was almost doing it on purpose to make himself feel important. When I told her about this, she said he's a really down to earth guy and he would never do that.... .DUJH
dasein Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 You are well within your rights to be annoyed at this relationship, and this is a good place to vent feelings like that out and get some feedback. Because of the employment relationship, this is tangled. In your shoes, based on repeated past bad experience in similar situations, I don't know if I'd put up with it, good on you for being more patient, trusting and understanding than I would be.
truth_seeker Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I wouldn't trust her - especially at that age. I also agree that she is immature and manipulative. You're going to have to either make a clean break or turn this relationship into an open relationship. Start dating other people and make it clear to her that she doesn't control you.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You are well within your rights to be annoyed at this relationship, and this is a good place to vent feelings like that out and get some feedback. Because of the employment relationship, this is tangled. In your shoes, based on repeated past bad experience in similar situations, I don't know if I'd put up with it, good on you for being more patient, trusting and understanding than I would be. But I know in my heart she loves me and based on her family values I am almost sure she would never cheat on me. But on the other hand I am not as sure she would never get feelings for someone else.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I wouldn't trust her - especially at that age. I also agree that she is immature and manipulative. You're going to have to either make a clean break or turn this relationship into an open relationship. Start dating other people and make it clear to her that she doesn't control you. Can you explain, where you see this immaturity and manipulation? And also making a clean break because of this, seems like a bit over reacting?
truth_seeker Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I will add that women in their late 20's, tend to go a little crazy. They're getting close to 30 - a time when their friends are getting married or already married. The pressure is mounting on them to settle, and, they also start to realize the options they have in their late 20's won't be there in their 30's, ie, being in their prime (looks) and having the ability to grab almost any guy they want. It's like a guy who's about to get married and wants to bang as many women as he can before he commits. Stupid thinking, but men think it's okay to f-ck a woman, even though they are engaged, as long as it's before they are married. Call it a technicality
jennifersmith Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Yes she is an intern inspired to go to optometry school. Yes, that's the feeling I got. I think they were just kind of playing with each other at the beginning, before we were exclusive to see if one would catch the other's interest. I just get really pissed when she just denies everything and says they're just strict coworkers and she's being super careful... And no she doesn't get money from pet sitting. She just loves cats and she does it for free (she's done it to another girl I know), but with this guy it used to be almost every weekend... And that's why I got pissed off with the 1 hour late appointment (which was early morning by the way, so not like he had other patients)... She does him all these favors (with the pet sitting) and he can't even be professional to her bf?.. And when I told her she pretty much took all the blame on herself saying she should have scheduled better, when it was almost obvious that the guy was almost doing it on purpose to make himself feel important. When I told her about this, she said he's a really down to earth guy and he would never do that.... .DUJH Hm,... Ok. If she's an intern and wanting to go to an optometry school, she would likely need a rec from this doctor, and perhaps that's why she wants to be on his good side and hence the pet sitting. It is also possible that, obviously since she is aspired to be an optometrist herself, she thinks highly of this occupation would 'respect' or even 'admire' this doctor, and this admiration would at any point, if not already, transform into romantic feelings. It is strange that your gf is taking the side of the doctor and completely disregarding your feeling. (Are you paying for your visit or is it a favor?). In any case, there's nothing you can do, she works with him and see him everyday, and she chooses to pet sit for him. She has told you about him, i.e. he is only into casual dating, and he was naked with I don't know who in the office (which sounds very unprofessional) , and she mentioned he flirted with him before. So the reason why she is not with him already can be because 1) she really don't like him (from your post, it does sound like she likes him), 2) he's not really into her (I think that's more likely the case). What you can do is to develop a better relationship with your golf, if she's totally satisfied with you, and found that the doctor is not interested in her (or even if he's interested) , he won't get between the two of you. PS. why would a cat needs to be pet sit. they're very independent.....
truth_seeker Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Can you explain, where you see this immaturity and manipulation? And also making a clean break because of this, seems like a bit over reacting? Well, you've said she denies anything is going on, yet, in your gut you feel something is there. If she is mature and not manipulative, she will talk to you about this instead of getting into an argument with you over this. Women at 27, I just wouldn't trust. Most who are in a relationship at that age, or I should say have been in one for a while, are thinking: "Is he the one, or is now the time to jump before I get close to 30 and have limited options?"
New User Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 About the job: Noone's asking her to give up her job. I don't even care about how many guys hit on her. I care about how she acts and how honest she is with herself and me. And from the looks of it, I have this feeling that she was almost into this guy and made it seem like he was the one pursuing her... (At the very beginning she would tell me about every comment that he would make that would be suspicious) and now she went on to tell me that they have just a professional relationship and the guy is himself "really careful" to not step boundaries at work....??? HOW?? This was the same guy that was trying to flirt with you a while ago. I probably wasn't clear; I'm not suggesting that you were overtly trying to get her to quit, just that given the fact that she has to see the guy every day for extended periods of time and you not being comfortable with how he views her that she would feel pressure. It isn't like she can just avoid him. That would seem to likely to lead her to redefine their earlier interactions. One thing does give me pause though- why would she mention that he was flirting/hitting on her? I don't see any real benefit to that and I would certainly not tell an SO about the gal at work that was flirting with me. To me that fits in the "sh** you deal with yourself and forget about" category.
New User Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I kind of agree with this. I just don;t wanna be uncomfortable. How is that a matter of security??? But the problem is, if I keep my options open she will go ballistic. We just don't have that kind of relationship. I've told her about all girls that might be into me and I've made sure to cut contacts with them... She is still jealous of a few of my female friends and anytime my ex gets brought up even for random reasons. OK, that fleshes things out a bit more and gives me the impression that she is a very jealous person by nature (if I'm reading you right, but I don't really know what you mean by keeping your options open). I don't think that I could be in a LTR with someone that was jealous again- I've been there and it only got worse- to the point of near insanity as the relationship progressed.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Hm,... Ok. If she's an intern and wanting to go to an optometry school, she would likely need a rec from this doctor, and perhaps that's why she wants to be on his good side and hence the pet sitting. It is also possible that, obviously since she is aspired to be an optometrist herself, she thinks highly of this occupation would 'respect' or even 'admire' this doctor, and this admiration would at any point, if not already, transform into romantic feelings. It is strange that your gf is taking the side of the doctor and completely disregarding your feeling. (Are you paying for your visit or is it a favor?). In any case, there's nothing you can do, she works with him and see him everyday, and she chooses to pet sit for him. She has told you about him, i.e. he is only into casual dating, and he was naked with I don't know who in the office (which sounds very unprofessional) , and she mentioned he flirted with him before. So the reason why she is not with him already can be because 1) she really don't like him (from your post, it does sound like she likes him), 2) he's not really into her (I think that's more likely the case). What you can do is to develop a better relationship with your golf, if she's totally satisfied with you, and found that the doctor is not interested in her (or even if he's interested) , he won't get between the two of you. PS. why would a cat needs to be pet sit. they're very independent..... Very detailed reply. Yes my main thing is that I know how a powerful position, respect or admiration can turn into romantic feelings. I just want her to be aware of this so she can be more careful on how she interacts with this guy. I think there was a slight interest at the beginning from both parts but she is not with the guy because she is not very "pursuing" of guys and because that's when we got more emotionally connected. And obviously she is WAY MORE into me at the moment, given that with us it's not "just attraction", it's way more... but also I could see how that initial attraction can turn into more if she lets her guards down with this guy and connects with him all day every day at work. PS: The cat doesn't need sitting, it's more like she takes her every weekend to play with her and sit her.
Author IAmRobot Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 It isn't like she can just avoid him. That would seem to likely to lead her to redefine their earlier interactions. One thing does give me pause though- why would she mention that he was flirting/hitting on her? I don't see any real benefit to that and I would certainly not tell an SO about the gal at work that was flirting with me. To me that fits in the "sh** you deal with yourself and forget about" category. Yes she can't avoid him. But I think she can keep just strict work relations and not have other And again I don't want her to do anything specific, rather jstu be aware that this might destroy what we have if she is not careful. AND to be very sure and in control of what she's doing. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't really know. Oh he's hitting on me, oh he's not. Oh I'm taking care of his pet, oh I don't know if it's right. She just doesn't seem like she has the situation under control and that's what I am really displeased about. And we have that kind of R where we share with each other everything.
jennifersmith Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Very detailed reply. Yes my main thing is that I know how a powerful position, respect or admiration can turn into romantic feelings. I just want her to be aware of this so she can be more careful on how she interacts with this guy. I think there was a slight interest at the beginning from both parts but she is not with the guy because she is not very "pursuing" of guys and because that's when we got more emotionally connected. And obviously she is WAY MORE into me at the moment, given that with us it's not "just attraction", it's way more... but also I could see how that initial attraction can turn into more if she lets her guards down with this guy and connects with him all day every day at work. PS: The cat doesn't need sitting, it's more like she takes her every weekend to play with her and sit her. Oh in that case, you really having nothing to worry about. Just ask her to keep clear boundaries and stop with the cat thing because it is making you uncomfortable... but also, she already work with him daily, why would she wants to see her boss even over the weekend and is the boss there when she goes to cat sit? I assume he is unless she has his keys... in any case, if she like cat so much she can just go to a humane society to volunteer...
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