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My girlfriend is at summer school in germany and i feel awful?

donmanbassani

By donmanbassani
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donmanbassani New Member

donmanbassani

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my girlfriend went away for a month to summer school at a university in heidelberg. i said to her we dont need to talk as i want her to have a good experience and not have me hanging on.

 

however i am quite attached to her even tho i dont show it, and shes becoming friends with on fb and exchanging borderline flirty wall posts with some really hot guys (like objectively) and im starting to feel rly ****. its only been like 5 days shes been away. like i wish she was back here with me

 

also it was never a worry before because i trust her but now im worrying about her cheating, its totally not fair for me to message her trying to control her. even so i just get jealous thinking of her flirting with these guys. they also have freshers there so they will be drinking a lot, going out, lots of opportunities. how do i deal with these feelings??

 

im worried i made a bad decision not talking as well; I dont want us to completely distance ourselves from each other over this month. its been the longest we havent spoken in a LONG time. i believe in sticking to my word, but do you think its actually dangerous for the relationship if we dont talk and will ruin it?? i really dont want to message her before she messages me tho, i just really dont want to be in the subordinate position in the relationship.

 

thanks :)

Brunettie Established Member

Brunettie

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I don't understand why you told her that you don't need to talk for the whole month..

How long have you two been dating?

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donmanbassani New Member

donmanbassani

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I don't understand why you told her that you don't need to talk for the whole month..

How long have you two been dating?

 

weve been seeing each other for like 7 months but together properly for about 3 months. we are close like we say to each other that we love one another.

 

i did it because im quite insecure of coming across as needy, to the extreme i guess lol. i realise its a problem i just need to know is it fully ok to message her now? and basically go back on what i said?

 

Moreover i wanted her to just have a great time and do what she pleases.

Brunettie Established Member

Brunettie

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Of course it's fine to message her. You don't need to text all day everyday, but at least a few texts before bed or a phone call every couple days is good.

sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

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You're attached to her, but you don't show it, then you told her you won't speak to her for a whole month.

 

If I were in her shoes, I'd think I'd been dumped.

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MomsSpaghetti Established Member

MomsSpaghetti

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"Studying abroad" is code for partying in a foreign nation for a semester. It doesn't sound like you guys are in a very serious relationship. The couples I know in serious relationships go to absurd measures to stay in physical proximity. Did she need to go to Germany for coursework? Doubt it. Consider the implications of the fact that she elected to have fun without you for a full semester.

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aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

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You're attached to her, but you don't show it, then you told her you won't speak to her for a whole month.

 

If I were in her shoes, I'd think I'd been dumped.

 

I'd be thinking that too...

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donmanbassani New Member

donmanbassani

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"Studying abroad" is code for partying in a foreign nation for a semester. It doesn't sound like you guys are in a very serious relationship. The couples I know in serious relationships go to absurd measures to stay in physical proximity. Did she need to go to Germany for coursework? Doubt it. Consider the implications of the fact that she elected to have fun without you for a full semester.

 

 

so do you think i should message her?? or is it up to her to message me considering she left

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donmanbassani New Member

donmanbassani

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You're attached to her, but you don't show it, then you told her you won't speak to her for a whole month.

 

If I were in her shoes, I'd think I'd been dumped.

 

 

part of the reason is that she did elect to go away for a month, it was her choice that she made about 3/4 months ago. i dont want to be the one hanging on i feel its her responsibility

Gottabestrong Established Member

Gottabestrong

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What did she say when you suggested not talking for a month?

 

I am in a similar situation, but I am in your girlfriend's position. I went abroad for the summer to a place that is known for partying (much more than Heidelberg). I had a conversation with my boyfriend about communication while I am gone, and like you he said he did not want to keep me from having a great time or feeling like I need to check in with him. So he said to contact him whenever I wanted to and no pressure if I don't.

 

Well, my reply was that if we are going to stay together as a couple, I am not going to be happy not being in touch. I care for him and love talking to him, and that doesn't change just because I am somewhere else. The long distance even makes it harder. So the way it works is that we usually exchange a few texts every day (1-3) and try to Skype once a week. I still have lots of time going out and having fun with my friends, but I 'need' this daily contact with my boyfriend in order to feel connected to him. If we did not interact at all, I would feel like we are no longer a couple and I would be way more susceptible to guys hitting on me. But hearing form him and 'sharing' my life with him makes me feel connected and secure in our relationship.

 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it probably was not a good idea for you to suggest not to be in contact for a whole month, and what you should do now depends on how your girlfriend reacted when you suggested the long silence.

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donmanbassani New Member

donmanbassani

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What did she say when you suggested not talking for a month?

 

I am in a similar situation, but I am in your girlfriend's position. I went abroad for the summer to a place that is known for partying (much more than Heidelberg). I had a conversation with my boyfriend about communication while I am gone, and like you he said he did not want to keep me from having a great time or feeling like I need to check in with him. So he said to contact him whenever I wanted to and no pressure if I don't.

 

Well, my reply was that if we are going to stay together as a couple, I am not going to be happy not being in touch. I care for him and love talking to him, and that doesn't change just because I am somewhere else. The long distance even makes it harder. So the way it works is that we usually exchange a few texts every day (1-3) and try to Skype once a week. I still have lots of time going out and having fun with my friends, but I 'need' this daily contact with my boyfriend in order to feel connected to him. If we did not interact at all, I would feel like we are no longer a couple and I would be way more susceptible to guys hitting on me. But hearing form him and 'sharing' my life with him makes me feel connected and secure in our relationship.

 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it probably was not a good idea for you to suggest not to be in contact for a whole month, and what you should do now depends on how your girlfriend reacted when you suggested the long silence.

 

 

thanks very much for the reply. the first time i brought it up she was like "il message you anyway." then the next time two days before she left she got a bit annoyed about it, saying sarcastically "oh thaaanks" when i said il message her once, and she said "il message you once."

 

then the day before she left she was just like i love you and il call you when i get back.

Gottabestrong Established Member

Gottabestrong

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Sounds like she was not happy when you suggested not talking.

 

If you miss her and actually would like to talk to her, my advice is to send her an email if you are sure she is has email access. Or Facebook message if she uses that more. Though email would be better because then you can't see when she reads it and won't drive yourself crazy if she does not reply, or not soon enough.

 

So send her a nice message asking her how she is doing and if she is settled in alright. Make sure you include a question that she needs to give an actual answer to! Keep it short and friendly and hope for the best. Remember that you can't get upset if she does not reply, because you were the one who suggested not talking.

 

Good luck!

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Really not sure why you told her you wouldn't speak to her all month.

 

She's abroad for ONE MONTH. A mere month. Your issue here, your insecurity, your paranoia, your fear of being "clingy or needy" that's all on YOU. Not her. You've been dating her for 7 months and she goes abroad and you basically don't show her you care about her, and then act passive aggressive due to your own problems?

 

Do you really think she wasn't going to miss you or be sad she wouldn't see you for a month?

 

And good grief, she's there for 30 days, not 30 months. She's not going to meet some European, date them, and then magically be with them in a period of 30 days. She's there abroad for 4 weeks and then is coming back home. Any normal/sane person would go do the work, enjoy the culture and then come home and pick right back up where they left off.

 

Just because you're jealous of her, jealous of her being friends with guys, doesn't give you the right to act like this. It's stupid and it's immature. Being in contact with a person you've been dating for almost a year isn't needy or clingy. It's NORMAL. She's more than capable of having a great time abroad, while talking to you, catching up every couple days or so.

 

And no, it's NOT up to her to message you. You're the one that put yourself in this mess. Get yourself out of it. Stop acting like an idiot here, seriously.

 

Everything here? It's ALLLLLLLLL you. All of it.

Edited by KatZee
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sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

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thanks very much for the reply. the first time i brought it up she was like "il message you anyway." then the next time two days before she left she got a bit annoyed about it, saying sarcastically "oh thaaanks" when i said il message her once, and she said "il message you once."

 

then the day before she left she was just like i love you and il call you when i get back.

 

And you're surprised? :confused:

 

I'm not sure what you're asking really, in this thread. Should you message her? Well yes, of course. But that's obvious isn't it? If you think she has some kind of "responsibility" to message you, then fine, ignore her. But don't be surprised at the results.

 

I'm calling you out on being attached to her though. That clearly isn't true - if you cared about her, you wouldn't be so bitter about the fact that she chose to go away for a month, to the point where you're passive aggressively giving her the silent treatment.

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