In need of some insight

[SoaringPhenix]

My divorce was finalized back in March after being separated from my ex for 15 months. We were married almost 9 years before separating. I also moved to Texas in March to stay with my best friend and her family while I get back on my feet. My best friend and I are very close, more like sisters then friends really. Her and her family (whom I'd never met before moving here) accepted me into their home as a member of the family and are really amazing people. It was a huge leap of faith on my part to move here as I had never been to Texas before. My best friends adult daughter and I have also become very close. When it comes to relationships of any kind I have always been a quality over quantity person. I would much rather have a few friends that I am very close to and can talk to about anything rather then a lot of friends who I am not that close to. As my best friend likes to put it I don't do insignificant relationships. Prior to my marriage I did have a fwb and a couple of casual relationships (not at the same time). However despite the casual nature of these there was always a connection and closeness to them.

 

My problem is that I'm having a hard time adjusting. It is so different here from where I used to live. People really are a lot more laid back and friendly here then where I used to live. Which really is wonderful. At first I felt that because of this it would be easier to meet people and make friends and hopefully find someone special to spend time with. After what happened with my ex I know I am going to have trust issues. He lies like he breathes. Basically our entire marriage and relationship prior was all a lie. It's really hard know that 10+ years of my life were nothing but a lie. Because of this I haven't wanted to even date until recently. But since I have moved here I am wanting to more and more. I have profiles on a couple of OLD sites but haven't meet anyone that I want to meet in person that feels the same. There is one guy I've been talking to for over a month that I am interested in meeting but it seems even though he says he feels the same he really doesn't. We've never made firm plans for meeting. He lives in another town and we've been talking about meeting but mostly in the this week (usually a few weeks away) would be good for me thing. However something always seems to come up. So I realize hes just not that into me.

 

Like I said I know I am going to run into trust issues at some point, so I'm not looking to rush into anything. I was hoping to figure those out and deal with them before getting into anything but that hasn't happened. I think at this point those may be things I won't discover until I get to a point where they are a problem. I also feel like the fact that I know they are going to happen that I will recognize them when they do come up and be able to deal with them at that time. What happened with my ex also hit my self esteem really hard. Despite the fact that I have recently lost a considerable amount of weight and am continuing to lose, I do feel better about how I look but it hasn't really changed anything self esteem wise and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I don't expect it to solve all my self esteem issues but thought it would at least improve some.

 

I work from home so don't have a "reason" to go out most days. Though I do go out most days just to get out of the house or to run errands and what not. However I am finding it hard to meet people. I'm not the go to a bar and have a drink alone or go anywhere to just sit and hang out alone kind of person. I've also never been the kind of person to approach strangers and strike up a conversation. I've tried in the past and it's never gone well. I get nervous and end up making a fool of myself. I have been making a point of getting out of my comfort zone and going out to places that I am comfortable to hang out and am open to being approached by people but it's just not working. I make eye contact with others when the opportunity presents itself, and smiling as well when it seems appropriate. I'm not sure if I'm giving off a vibe that people are picking up on or what.

 

I'm hoping someone here will pick on something I'm not seeing myself, or have some advice. Anyone have any insight to share?

[white]

I'm sorry about your marriage. You seem to have a pretty good handle on your own mind and you have your **** together. I feel confident reading your post that you can handle reasonably whatever personal issues arise out of your recent disaster. Also, self esteem ebbs and flows at the best of times. You're a good person and nothing that happened was your fault, you're better off now. You can relax and be happy. Is your question that you've failed to meet anyone? I have trouble with this myself these days, I think for similar reasons.

 

My work now is lonely, hard and 99.9% male dominated. I won't ever meet women through work in my sector. Your work keeps you at home experiencing the same thing. It becomes a frame of mind - self sufficiency. You become too used to working alone and start to... de-socialise. People detect this, as a kind of coldness. You have to avoid it.

 

So OK you say, we can still go out weekends. Except the bar/club scene isn't for me, not on my own and rarely with company - company that these days is shut in with the wife and kids or a long way away. You sound the same.

 

Because of a certain track we found ourselves following in life, blamelessly, while we were busy and thought we were building a life, we find ourselves emerging into singledom with a lonely job and a minimal social network. Friends have retreated into their own worlds. We're isolated. I'm not prepared to spend my days propping up a barstool alone and neither are you.

 

It's a bugger and I've spent years trying to come up with ways to fix it, I've done so much stupid crap people say to do, events, volunteering, festivals, college courses. Doesn't work. I meet eligible women at a glacial pace. Meanwhile a buddy of mine got married this weekend to a girl he met 5 years ago in the local club.

 

There is no more wrong with you than there is with me. You just don't meet enough people and don't see a way to change that. It's a bad place to find yourself in life. You can either desperately cast around for a way to remedy it or sit back and continue hoping. Perhaps start slow. This friends daughter you're chummy with. Maybe try and arrange some nights out with her and her friends. Just to get out with some others, drink a bit, cast an eye around a few rooms. I know I feel a lot better on the no more than annual occasions a birthday or wedding comes around and I can re-engage with friends.

[BluEyeL]

First of all, I want you to be clear that dating is hard, exhausting and filled with rejection. Take care of your self esteem first, otherwise you'll have a lot of heartbreak. You are out of 10 years of lies, you don't want to go through other 10 years of dissapointments. I'd say go out and make casual friends first, become active, get new interests and make your life interesting and busy in the process. It may also help your self esteem. A way to get into the social life in a new place is to join meetup (www.meetup.com) and go to events/activities of your interest in the area. Then, read a lot of self help books on dating so you know what you have to watch for, since you are not really experienced. Hope you feel better soon, then love will find you (or you'll be equiped to find true love).