makebelieve Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Hey everyone. I really need help understanding a situation I found myself in recently, and I want opinions on it. I met someone in April at a party and I was instantly attracted to him. We started talking on facebook first after the party. Pretty quickly it turned into texting all day. We spoke a lot about how attracted we were to each other. We got along really well. He started asking me out on dates but I would decline them. I didn't want to have stronger feelings for him because I was in a fragile state during this time. There were other parties following this first meeting and we would always go to see each other. Eventually I gave in and we started hanging out in person. The chemistry was undeniable. We began hooking up and seeing each other whenever we had free time. I was still attempting to keep things really casual, and I would always remind him that I didn't want to have feelings for him or care for him. After a month and a half it was blatantly obvious that I did like him. He would tell me that he liked me too a lot. Once or twice he brought up his ex girlfriend and it started to concern me the way he would speak about her. I eventually asked him if it was a mistake for me to let my guard down, and if he was still in love with her. He denied this, and spent time reassuring me that he was only interested in me. I let it go, and we spent another few nights together. They were just as good as the ones before. But rather suddenly, he started pushing me away. Out of nowhere, he didn't want to text at work anymore. He didn't want to stay up late with me because of work. He didn't want to hang out because of work. For two weeks I tried to make plans with him, but he would deny me each time. Eventually he asked me to hang out, but while we were on the phone making plans, he got really aggressive with me in his tone and we got into an argument over it. We didn't speak for a week after that. Once we finally spoke again, he explained that he wasn't over his ex girlfriend. That he loved her and wanted her back. He said he needs time to get over this. He explained that he didn't want to be responsible for my feelings when his feelings were so intense. He said he really thought he was ready to be with me, but he realized he was wrong and that he was still very angry and heartbroken over his ex girlfriend. A few weeks later we saw each other again, and we spent another night together. That was a mistake on my part because I guess I believed once he saw me, he would realize he missed me. He still felt the same about his situation. We aren't speaking now after a few fights over this. I don't understand how this has happened or why. I feel really upset that I told him how worried I was about this exact thing happening, but he reassured me that it wasn't the case. He was the one who wanted to take things more seriously with me. Yet now he suddenly feels like I want things to be more serious than he can handle. To make matters way worse, while we were speaking about this situation, he would say things like "I do still want to see where this goes... I just can't right now." or "I do like you, I just don't know what to do." It was sort of a shock for me to see someone turn from so hot to so cold that quickly. It was really hurtful and I am struggling to forget about him. Why do you guys think this happened? Am I looking for something that isn't there? I guess maybe he did realize that he wasn't over her... but it's hard for me to understand that I suppose when he seemed to really genuinely like me...
anythingbut Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 My personal opinion on your situation is that he is telling you the truth. Do you know if his split was particularly painful for him? If so, and I'm sorry to say this, he is most likely on the rebound. Why do I believe this? Well, this year I have been on the receiving end of a particularly hard break up (see my thread) and one of the things I did was get on the dating scene. Why did I do this? Well, I was looking to fill a void that had been left in my life when my partner left me, and stupidly I thought this was a good idea. In the past 5 months I've been out with about 15 women, some of whom have been bloody lovely, some of whom I 've seen more than once because I did want to see how it would pan out... however the harsh reality for me is that I'm not over my ex, and I always realise this when I go out with these girls. I end up sitting there secretly comparing them to my ex in my mind, and of course I end up giving everybody the cold shoulder- despite my best efforts. I suspect your guy might be on a similar wavelength. Don't be too disheartened or feel inadequate - you could be the most wonderful female god ever created - if his mind is still with his ex, then he needs time to work on that and overcome it. In the meantime, you move onto someone who is 100% focused on you -which is what you deserve.
singme2sleep Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I know EXACTLY how you feel. I still can't wrap my head around how my ex turned from hot to cold so quickly. It must be a guy thing...they love you until they don't! Hang in there. 1
Author makebelieve Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I feel extremely disheartened though... that's the problem. I am trying to keep the no contact thing up, but I mess it up every now and then... This is particularly difficult for me when I feel like it's an abnormal situation. It isn't the typical ending. I keep hoping I could change his mind somehow. It's hard to remind myself that it "isn't me". I feel like I should have been enough for him and it's hurting me to think that I wasn't.
singme2sleep Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 How long has it been since his ex and him split up? And did she dump him?
Author makebelieve Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 How long has it been since his ex and him split up? And did she dump him? I am not entirely sure. If I remember correctly, they broke up sometime in the winter. Decemberish? And again, it wasn't clear who broke up with who. I think he broke up with her. He referred to her as a "monster" so, it certainly wasn't a pretty relationship...
amythan Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) It happened exactly the same thing to me. I got the same words, the same sentences .. everything. And I believe he is telling the truth. He thought he was ready but when he realized that things were moving he pushed me away. Last chapter happened last week and I feel exactly like you. To make things worse he was pursuing me when he was still with her but I asked him to contact me when he was free. So I trusted him when he called and I didn't think I was the rebound, so smart of me .. Do not wait. When he will be ready he will probably not be interested in you anymore and the good thing is you will not be interested either. It wasn't the right time and you should let it go. Edited August 7, 2013 by amythan
Author makebelieve Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I am completely aware that I have to move on. It's just very difficult to do so... I am a sucker for the "what could have been" and I feel confident that I could magically change his mind so every now and then I will contact him and try. Of course it doesn't go that way and we just fight with each other. And repeat. I am hoping that talking to all of you will enlighten me a little and help me find closure or meaning behind any of this. I have all of this trapped negative energy because I feel so incredibly angry that I told him NOT TO DO THIS to me but it happened anyway. I get stuck on that.
singme2sleep Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I am not entirely sure. If I remember correctly, they broke up sometime in the winter. Decemberish? And again, it wasn't clear who broke up with who. I think he broke up with her. He referred to her as a "monster" so, it certainly wasn't a pretty relationship... Well if wasn't for the "monster" part, I'd think you had been dating my ex lol. The timing matches up but he could never say anything bad about me...I was too good to him. Do you know if he went back to her? You have my deepest sympathies, it's a tough spot to be in.
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