carricondo Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 I have just discovered my fiance of four years has been cheating on me with one of my supposed best mates. I had been trying to help this mate with his problems. He is 32, and is married to someone he had fallen out of love with, but it was complicated, because they had an 18 month old child together. He also spent a fair amount of time at our house after work ( he also works nights ). It all started after the birth of our second child two and a half years ago. One of the problems is because I am currently working nights at a place I have worked for three years, in which I hold down a supervisory role, and she gets lonely at home on a night with only the kids as company. She workes 2.5 hours in the evening, and gets home after I have gone to work. We are lucky that my parents have no problem looking after my son ( 3yrs 7months ) and daughter ( 2yrs 5 months ) until my partner gets home. I have always said that once the kids go to school, and she has the opportunity to work more hours, that I will move onto the dayshift, so that I am at home on a night. She also has said I dont listen to her when she's talking. I do listen to her, but dont always act like I am listening. Its just the way I am, and she knows that. She has told me that she has had enough a couple of times before, and I have made a big effort,What doesnt help is the fact she has very little family left. Her mother died 6 years ago from cancer, her father left her mother when she was just a few months old, and her grandmother died on christmas eve last year. Which leaves her sister and her grandfather. Since the birth of my daughter, our relationship has become strained, mainly due to the kids growing up ( i.e. getting into things that they shouldn't and general mood swings ). When I get up in the afternoon, the kids always seem to be at their devilish best, which immidately winds me up ( because Ive just got up ), which in turn makes me snap at her. I have explained this to her, but she says that I am always over-reacting, and that I shout at the kids too much. Also during this period, we experienced bad money problems ( at one point £4000 ) which was also getting me down. I decided not to tell her, because she is one of the world worst worriers. I have now got this down to a couple of hundred pounds, which has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I have had to work 6 nightshifts a week, simply because the need arose. She has told me that she has had enough a couple of times before, and I have made a big effort to correct the situation, even cutting down on the overtime, but needs must. The sexual side of our relationship has also died its death ( down to once a month ), but I put this down to tiredness and the fact that most mothers go off it for a few years after they have given birth. I have always given her money each week, and let her go out whenever she wants ( work permitting ). I have even given her money when we couldn't afford it. We very rarely get to go out as a couple as we cant always get a family member to babysit the kids ( we dont feel comfortable with registered babysitters simply because we dont know them ) She goes out most Saturdays, which I dont mind, beacuse she is at home nearly all week, and I believe she needs time for helself. Just recently she has become very secretive over things, and doesnt talk about her nights out, which she has done previously. One night after she came in, she fell asleep on the sofa, but her mobile phone kept going off. Being paraniod, I checked her phone, to find messages from a person called 'Jess' mostly thanking her for a brilliant night. I thought nothing of this as she had always gone on about someone called Jess who she had worked with before. I still had my suspicions though. That was until this saturday. The same scenario happened when she got in. She fell asleep, and I checked her phone for a second time. To my horror I found messages of a different type. 'I cant wait to snog ur face off' was just one of them. Straight away I confronted her. At first she denied it, but after an hour of interrogation, she finally confessed. Straight away twigged that it was my so called mate. At first she wouldn't tell me who it was, but I eventually got it our of her. I am not a violent person, and wouldn't dream of hurting her. All of my anger is against him. We chatted and agreed that for the immediate future, it would be best if we stayed in the same house until we found out what we both wanted. I have also asked her not to contact my ex-mate, until we sort stuff out. She said she would, but is still texting and ringing him. Three days have passed now, I have have made my mind up. I want her to stay, and am prepared to work at our relationship. It would take me a very long time to get over her if she left, and to be homest dont think I ever would get over it. She on the other hand doesnt, and cites our previous problems as the reason why. I just cannot bear to think of my life without her in it. Although I am only 25, and my patner is 23, I have been told I have a very old head on young shoulders. I just think she doesnt understand what a big bad world it is out there. She thinks that she can just walk away, and start up another life and it will all be rosy. She doesnt realise what stress comes along with the responsibilities ( i.e. bills ). I would really appreciate any advise that anybody has.
bluechocolate Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 She said she would, but is still texting and ringing him. This is still cheating. Has she told you that she wants to end the engagement & move out?
ltomlinson81 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 I think you need to be a little more selfish right now. She is continuing to disrespect you by keeping in contact with him. If she cared about you and your children and wanted to help you to cope with the situation and make it workable, she would not be continuing to disrespect you.
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