zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 So I've come to my wits end finally. I drafted an email several times to MW. She has pushed and pushed for us to maintain friendship even though the PA ended a few months ago. She has started MC but didn't want to end things...saying she would rather have me in her life than not at all. I finally came to the realization that I can't do that....i will always want more. I've known this, but I realized that there is no way around it. I was beginning to frustrate her that I couldn't bring up "the topic" of us...and my feelings. So I sent her the letter yesterday. She text me this morning wishing me well, asking me not to respond (which I told her in the letter I wouldn't). I waited to send this until I truly was ready to go NC. I'm on here to vent. I feel like complete crap. She was my greatest love, greatest connection. And felt and still feels the same way (she even said in her text she has the same feelings). But she cannot walk from duty...a lukewarm (but not bad) marriage. My heart is broken...but I know no other path for me.... Looking for encouragement if you have any... 1
eleanorrigby Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 (hugs) "Oh it won't rain all the time. The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever." Jane Siberry 1
Author zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 My letter just said that I can't pretend to just be friends while I'll always have these feelings. That I cannot move on (and she "says" she expects me to), and maintain a friendship...it's a lie, and I can't walk around faking it on my face and in my soul....so it said I need to walk away....and that if she finds herself single...then perhaps we can have a friendship...but until then, I can't do it. 2
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 All you can do is let yourself cry and grieve the loss. It'll hurt so make sure you don't let yourself wallow in pain for too long. Get busy and active, live life. You did the right thing. 1
Author zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 All you can do is let yourself cry and grieve the loss. It'll hurt so make sure you don't let yourself wallow in pain for too long. Get busy and active, live life. You did the right thing. Doing as much as I can...started working out again...looking for opportunities to hang out with people...
thecharade Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Anger helps, and it's healthy for us to defend ourselves and protect ourselves, even if it's only in our heads. Nurture your anger instead of being mature or understanding. I do not think she "used you" as many like to write to make their own hurts bearable. (Completely justifiable to see things as you need to see them, I might add. We all must find our own truths in this life, and other people need not agree with those truths. They are not you; you are not them.) But can you still try to see how selfish she is being? She seems to care about what feels good to her and not about her BS's feelings or yours. And actually, what right does she have going around and forming attachments to other men if she never planned on following through with the new relationship? If she "valued her marriage" so much, then what the freak was she doing?!!! Get mad. Get her off that pedestal. She doesn't deserve it. 4
thecharade Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I love a line/concept I've read and found it powerful: Reject the rejector!!! Do NOT accept those feelings of rejection; it's her, you now see, that is unworthy of you! Keep telling yourself that and let the truth of it sink in. She has shown you who she is, and it is not who/what you want. 2
Goodbye Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Good luck. Sounds like you did the right thing for yourself. It does get easier. I've been NC for a while...it has gotten easier, I've gotten stronger. I have NC with a stipulation: He can contact me on a specific day of Sept. 2014 if he is unmarried and doing well emotionally.
fanine Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Good luck with it all. There are many here who feel very much the same way you do. It is tough, it is horrible.....but remember you will be okay x
Author zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I love a line/concept I've read and found it powerful: Reject the rejector!!! Do NOT accept those feelings of rejection; it's her, you now see, that is unworthy of you! Keep telling yourself that and let the truth of it sink in. She has shown you who she is, and it is not who/what you want. You seem to contradict yourself slightly. You say don't feel rejected but you also say I wasn't used. I guess I don't try to point blame. It takes two. We both separately and collectively made choices and this is the outcome. I love her, she loves me, but circumstances are what they are. She hasn't chosen the path with me yet...and may never. I do have hope whether I should or not. That isn't an emotion I can control. I can only control action as a good friend told me. I can take steps to a healthier and more same me. That's it. What happens in the future can only play out but either way hopefully with a healthier me. It's these first few days I'm dreading. Then I can mourn with less anxiety. Right now I wait on the instant message, the text etc...things you grow accustomed to
Author zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Good luck. Sounds like you did the right thing for yourself. It does get easier. I've been NC for a while...it has gotten easier, I've gotten stronger. I have NC with a stipulation: He can contact me on a specific day of Sept. 2014 if he is unmarried and doing well emotionally. I don't have a date. Just a circumstance. But....truly, if I felt like I was actually over her and in a better place I would have no problem saying hello and apologizing for mutual hurts and letting her know I'm ok and in a better place. That time isn't now. But I have no ill will and I hope the best for her no matter what her future. But its good to know its gotten easier. How long have you been in NC?
Author zevahc Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Good luck with it all. There are many here who feel very much the same way you do. It is tough, it is horrible.....but remember you will be okay x I've followed your posts fanine. I can relate and I appreciate your kind words. It helps to not feel alone even though I do many evenings and days even at work. My daughter is not with me right now. So I'm not as busy but I'm also able to cry without her knowing I'm hanging a mood change.
fanine Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I've followed your posts fanine. I can relate and I appreciate your kind words. It helps to not feel alone even though I do many evenings and days even at work. My daughter is not with me right now. So I'm not as busy but I'm also able to cry without her knowing I'm hanging a mood change. I think I sometimes feel more alone when I am at work surrounding by dozens of people, as I have to put on a normal face and act like there is no pain. At home at least I can let it all out if I need to, or throw a shoe or something to get rid of some of that frustration 2
thecharade Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 You were not used, but that is a common accusation. You weren't. She cared. But we all do still feel rejected since that knowledge isn't anything you can kiss or hold or laugh with. And that hurts. You seem to want to only think the best of her, which is sweet. BUT why do you refuse your anger? Are her needs more important than yours were? You will be angry. When she doesn't change her mind and come back, the anger will come. It's just a part of grieving. 2
RickFox Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 You were not used, but that is a common accusation. You weren't. She cared. But we all do still feel rejected since that knowledge isn't anything you can kiss or hold or laugh with. And that hurts. You seem to want to only think the best of her, which is sweet. BUT why do you refuse your anger? Are her needs more important than yours were? You will be angry. When she doesn't change her mind and come back, the anger will come. It's just a part of grieving. This is so true, the anger will come. You have her on a pedestal right now, and as you separate yourself, you will see the flaws and you will see how you have been treated and it will fuel you. It will take you a long long time to begin to move forward enough that you will truly take notice but you will get there and even if you falter, you'll realize how much NC will do for you. As far as her wanting to be friends, she thinks that's what she wants but she doesn't understand the emotional attachment between you two and while you will outright know you want more, she will simply have you there in her hooks willingly waiting 'just in case' she should need you when things go wrong....the whole thing is so complicated in reality but the fact is, you see that you cannot chase someone who doesn't want to be chased and captured. If it's okay with you, I'll PM you and share some things that may make you open your eyes a bit and see it from a different angle.
Goodbye Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't have a date. Just a circumstance. But....truly, if I felt like I was actually over her and in a better place I would have no problem saying hello and apologizing for mutual hurts and letting her know I'm ok and in a better place. That time isn't now. But I have no ill will and I hope the best for her no matter what her future. But its good to know its gotten easier. How long have you been in NC? I chose a date and a circumstance to give us both over a full year to calm down and get perspective. Having a date also keeps me from checking to see if "today is the day" I'll hear from him again. It has been good. I've been NC since the end of March. He broke it a few times this summer and was swearing up and down he was leaving his wife...that is when I told him he could contact me in Sept 2014 if his life is in order. It was AWFUL for 2 months...like I had physical pain along with my grief. I slowly rebuilt my life and I'm doing pretty well now. You'll be ok, you will. 1
Author zevahc Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 This is almost exactly the same scenario for me, happened two weeks ago, the whole friends thing was a joke, you can't UNDO love. I'm sorry, I KNOW how much it hurts to be the one who has to walk away with your head in, but your heart not. NC for 2 weeks and 1 day How are you feeling Daisy?
Author zevahc Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 You were not used, but that is a common accusation. You weren't. She cared. But we all do still feel rejected since that knowledge isn't anything you can kiss or hold or laugh with. And that hurts. You seem to want to only think the best of her, which is sweet. BUT why do you refuse your anger? Are her needs more important than yours were? You will be angry. When she doesn't change her mind and come back, the anger will come. It's just a part of grieving. I am not saying i don't have frustration...and maybe that is slight anger. But I also don't necessarily feel like I need that to channel anything. I'm a realistic person. I know she was/is a selfish person in many ways. I get that she didn't do what was in my best interest at times...but I know that I didn't make that easy either...there are always dynamics at play due to both people being having emotions and the stages of grief hitting and firing at different moments. Believe me...i know she has her flaws...but in spite of those I love her entirety...i realize she isn't perfect...if that's what I'm looking for...i'll be looking for much much longer even after I'm healed.
Author zevahc Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I.m not going to lie, I am struggling. This pain is like no other. How are you doing? I'm doing okay...truthfully I felt really really bad this morning. She text me and told me not to respond...and I felt horrible...like a slap in the face. I already told her I wouldn't...but I think that was her way of trying to feel like she had some "power" maybe...it's not about that to me... I felt better as the day went on...i feel like i finally after months of pain made a decision I needed to make for my best interest...and not just for hers. I know I'll have rough days and times ahead...but i have a sliver of respect back for myself... Daisy...you can't get PM's yet..probably because of your number of posts...but feel free to look for encouragement from me when I can help you...there are some great people on here....you are not alone. Use your own judgement on advice...and realize not everything you read is hard and fast...but no matter what...take care of yourself. 1
Author zevahc Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 He has not contacted me at all. Which is good as far as it's best to cut off the new hurts. But I have to be honest, it hurts to know that he has not said one word to me, like I never even existed after 3 years. It's like a double edged sword. I'm still feel like , what the heck just happened. Does any of this make sense. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking but nothings making sense, sorry. Believe me...i understand what you're saying. It would feel good to get the "breadcrumb" of at least them attempting contact...it would mean that they are also thinking of 'us', and in some pain. Believe me...he hasn't forgotten you. My xMW is very stubborn. She likely won't contact me for awhile...just because she won't want to appear weak. She's broken NC (attempt) before...but she has tried to do it mildly....i have no idea what to expect to be honest...i'm just trying to be prepared... Stay strong! 1
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'm doing okay...truthfully I felt really really bad this morning. She text me and told me not to respond...and I felt horrible...like a slap in the face. I already told her I wouldn't...but I think that was her way of trying to feel like she had some "power" maybe...it's not about that to me... I felt better as the day went on...i feel like i finally after months of pain made a decision I needed to make for my best interest...and not just for hers. I know I'll have rough days and times ahead...but i have a sliver of respect back for myself... Daisy...you can't get PM's yet..probably because of your number of posts...but feel free to look for encouragement from me when I can help you...there are some great people on here....you are not alone. Use your own judgement on advice...and realize not everything you read is hard and fast...but no matter what...take care of yourself. You need to block her or change your number. NC is NC and if she is playing a power game, it's retarded and no benefit to you. All it does is hurt you and will set you back every single time she texts. And she probably will again and ask you not to reply. Yuck. Of course she hasn't forgotten you and Daisy your exMM hasn't forgotten you either. They are hurting as well it's just that they both have spouses to go to and they have much more distraction around to keep them busy and not think as much. 2
WakingUp Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I don't get it... how DARE she contact you and then tell you not to reply? This is just twisted. She has no right whatsoever to do that. Just outrageous. You have every right in the world to say what you need to say. Regardless of whether she wants to hear it. OR whether its convenient. Don't play her stupid games. 1
Author zevahc Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I won't play games. I can't control what she does, only what I do. Do her actions affect me...? Sure they do...but again, I'm only responsible for me and how I respond (or don't in this case). Thanks everyone.
Owl Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 You can't control her, true. But, you can PROTECT yourself from her. As WWIU said...block her. Take active measures to PREVENT her from contacting you and dragging you back into the mix.
RickFox Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I don't get it... how DARE she contact you and then tell you not to reply? This is just twisted. She has no right whatsoever to do that. Just outrageous. You have every right in the world to say what you need to say. Regardless of whether she wants to hear it. OR whether its convenient. Don't play her stupid games. You're missing the point. THAT is the game. When she says don't respond she wants him to respond.
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