Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Moper, I'll concede confusion, but 7 years is NOT a mid-life crisis or confusion, especially with a DDAY two years ago where the MM claims the wife was appeased and all is hunky dory with her while he continues with his OW. It's a choice! One that appears to be working for him! Oh I'm sure his wife is not hunky dory with it, she thinks its been over since dday, or she has convinced herself its over. I just want honesty, she should have all the facts to make an informed decision. Stay, go, share whatever the out come she has rights. I know she knows all about me or at least a small version of the truth. 2
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Not unless you are in an open marriage and all on board..otherwise at least two in the triangle are being lied to. In this situation when it's found out one or both will be left behind. In a triangulated relationship, unless all agree to it, there is always at least one at risk of being dumped. True reconciliation means no more lies. My husband and I have done some light swinging during reconciliation and is totally different than having an ap. our hard and fast rule is we always play together. We just did this too recently and it REALLY seemed to help catapult me out of this obsessing over my WH's A. Not saying it's the decision for everyone, but in our case it seemed to bring us closer together as we experienced this together.
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Oh I'm sure his wife is not hunky dory with it, she thinks its been over since dday, or she has convinced herself its over. I just want honesty, she should have all the facts to make an informed decision. Stay, go, share whatever the out come she has rights. I know she knows all about me or at least a small version of the truth. I applaud you for this! I cannot imagine anything worse than a BS thinking it is over....when it is not. had I known it wouldn't end and gone deeper underground, I would NEVER have stayed. My sanity is too precious to me.
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I applaud you for this! I cannot imagine anything worse than a BS thinking it is over....when it is not. had I known it wouldn't end and gone deeper underground, I would NEVER have stayed. My sanity is too precious to me. I was a bs for a very short time and 11 years later I still don't have all the answers. There are times I feel simply terrible for my part in this but then I think about the happiness I feel when I'm with him or talking to him and I'm able to temporarily forget about his bs's pain. Please remember what a ws is telling a bs could be completely different from what he's telling his AP. I don't know what gets said behind my back but if its negative its because that's what one has to do to keep the peace at home. Question to bs, after dday do you ever think to ask your ws if they are still seeing the AP?
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Question to bs, after dday do you ever think to ask your ws if they are still seeing the AP? I don't think BS do that very much. What would be the point? WS is going to say no and it will be the truth or a lie. So unless you know the truth is yes and are looking to see if the WS will lie to you again or not then why ask. Maybe you have answered this before but I did not see it or remember. I'm sorry if you did but I wonder, what is keeping you from telling the BS in your triangle that the MM is still seeing you?
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I was a bs for a very short time and 11 years later I still don't have all the answers. There are times I feel simply terrible for my part in this but then I think about the happiness I feel when I'm with him or talking to him and I'm able to temporarily forget about his bs's pain. Please remember what a ws is telling a bs could be completely different from what he's telling his AP. I don't know what gets said behind my back but if its negative its because that's what one has to do to keep the peace at home. Question to bs, after dday do you ever think to ask your ws if they are still seeing the AP? All the time, whether it is believable is another story, which is why I have to check (gps, iphone and deleted texts ,VAR). It is very unpleasant and I try not to check as much anymore, but I feel something is off or he is acting off, I check. Not the way I envisioned my M being. For my WH either.
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I knew he was because I did not believe a word that came out of his mouth. I was just so angry to have been lied to. he did not have to. I loved him enough to let him go. But he didn't want to go. he wanted us both and I was NOT having it. So anytime I discovered contact between them, I threw him out and starting moving on with my life. You cannot believe how he tried to minimize her after DDAY, just a friend he was helping out with some personal issues. Made it sound so noble. You know what? If I hadn't gone into super sleuth mode and found the thousands go texts and calls and hotels on the bank statements BEFORE I confronted him, he may have successfully gaslighted me one again. why? because I loved and trusted him.
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Why not inform your wife? have your wife and OW meet for lunch. I'm sure they will make the decision for you and very quickly too. Spark1111, I am not sure whether this piece of artwork was directed at me but I have to give you two thumbs up. You made me laugh.
MissBee Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? No. What is there to reconcile from? Reconciling implies you've outed yourself or your "transgression" has come to light, thus causing a chasm, and to come back together, you and your spouse have to work through it as individuals and as a couple. If you're still lying and being deceitful, not sure how you're reconciling. Also, I don't see how anyone who is genuinely doing emotional/psychological heavy lifting can ever be comfortable living an inauthentic, compartmentalized life. You can live two separated lives...however it will always be inauthentic if you have to keep things secret and separate. If it all comes out and the BS agrees the spouse can be with them and the AP in some kind of open arrangement where time is openly shared, then yes that is possible. But so long as it is secret, lies, omissions and two separate lives...no. Edited August 8, 2013 by MissBee
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I knew he was because I did not believe a word that came out of his mouth. I was just so angry to have been lied to. he did not have to. I loved him enough to let him go. But he didn't want to go. he wanted us both and I was NOT having it. So anytime I discovered contact between them, I threw him out and starting moving on with my life. You cannot believe how he tried to minimize her after DDAY, just a friend he was helping out with some personal issues. Made it sound so noble. You know what? If I hadn't gone into super sleuth mode and found the thousands go texts and calls and hotels on the bank statements BEFORE I confronted him, he may have successfully gaslighted me one again. why? because I loved and trusted him. OMG mine did the same thing about them being friends that crossed a line with kissing . I went super sleuth too (all my friends think I could become a P.I. now) I always hate reading how BS are painted as the Crypt Keeper of the WS. Hell some of the stuff I was spewing out of my mouth after DDay would probably have sent anyone running back into the hands of OW (which he did btw) but he still fought to stay and work on the M. I think mine would have gaslit me until kingdom come Too bad I know who he is now, next time he tries to pull anything as close as flirting with another woman and I'm packing my bags.
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I don't think BS do that very much. What would be the point? WS is going to say no and it will be the truth or a lie. So unless you know the truth is yes and are looking to see if the WS will lie to you again or not then why ask. Maybe you have answered this before but I did not see it or remember. I'm sorry if you did but I wonder, what is keeping you from telling the BS in your triangle that the MM is still seeing you? Truthfully because if she wanted to know the truth she just has to ask. Yes she reads my posts so I figure she wants to continue in a state of denial.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Truthfully because if she wanted to know the truth she just has to ask. Yes she reads my posts so I figure she wants to continue in a state of denial. She reads your posts on LS?
xxoo Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Please remember what a ws is telling a bs could be completely different from what he's telling his AP. I don't know what gets said behind my back but if its negative its because that's what one has to do to keep the peace at home. The same holds true for what he tells you about his wife and marriage.if it is negative, it is because that's what one has to do to keep the peace with his ow. Obviously he is not reconciling sincerely. He is doing the minimum he needs to do with both of you to keep you both. Lucky for him, it's working. 1
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Truthfully because if she wanted to know the truth she just has to ask. Yes she reads my posts so I figure she wants to continue in a state of denial. Oh man... if I were the BW reading your post my WH would find himself and his stuff out on the lawn before sundown 1
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 She reads your posts on LS? I'm not sure, if she does that's fine, everything I post is the gods honest truth.
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 The same holds true for what he tells you about his wife and marriage.if it is negative, it is because that's what one has to do to keep the peace with his ow. Obviously he is not reconciling sincerely. He is doing the minimum he needs to do with both of you to keep you both. Lucky for him, it's working. I'm sure he does tell me things to keep the peace. I'm not in denial and he knows I question his motives.
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 Oh man... if I were the BW reading your post my WH would find himself and his stuff out on the lawn before sundown Not sure about American law but in Canada a spouse can't throw a ws out of the martial home. Cheater or not makes no difference in Canada.
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Not sure about American law but in Canada a spouse can't throw a ws out of the martial home. Cheater or not makes no difference in Canada. You know I'm not sure about our law here in America. I know they say never to leave your house, so maybe you are right I couldn't throw him out *darn* Well he would have to sleep on the couch like last time until the house sold.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I knew he was because I did not believe a word that came out of his mouth. I was just so angry to have been lied to. he did not have to. I loved him enough to let him go. But he didn't want to go. he wanted us both and I was NOT having it. So anytime I discovered contact between them, I threw him out and starting moving on with my life. You cannot believe how he tried to minimize her after DDAY, just a friend he was helping out with some personal issues. Made it sound so noble. You know what? If I hadn't gone into super sleuth mode and found the thousands go texts and calls and hotels on the bank statements BEFORE I confronted him, he may have successfully gaslighted me one again. why? because I loved and trusted him. Are you still with him, Spark?
Confused48 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Truthfully because if she wanted to know the truth she just has to ask. What is keeping you from telling her what is really going on? I suspect it is because you are afraid if you do that you will be the one left alone. The prized cheater will dump you. You would rather be second fiddle than be alone. You can do better. Be first with a man that has some character and morals. You deserve that. Being here and talking to us BS proves that. I hope you get what you deserve and I mean that in a loving way. You deserve better than this guy. 2
ComingInHot Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 It's my understanding that when R happens in a M it is through honesty, authenticity & 100% committed devotion... Soooo, unless your full on Honest w/your BS about continuing the A, then you're Still lying and Cheating. That's my take at least* 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I'm not sure, if she does that's fine, everything I post is the gods honest truth. I was just wondering how you knew she knew you posted on here? If she does read them, there are only 2 possibilities, she either knows about the continued A and is tolerating it, or she believes you are lying (most likely because MM is throwing you under the bus and saying he has nothing to do with you) I am not accusing you of lying at all, I am sorry you are going through all this pain and I agree with the poster above, you deserve much better than this and I hope this comes to a resolution soon. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Are you still with him, Spark? yes! happily reconciled 6 years later. I come back to share, to help, to pay it forward. While I realize many a story is not like mine, so many are. Given carte blanche to be with his AP, with little to no interference on my part, it turned out to be the LAST thing he wanted. Which profoundly confused me after close to 2 years of deception. It's how I wound up up LS, seeking answers from others.. Thought affairs were about love and guilt and conflict....Yes they are, but they are not what they seem on the surface....many a time. 1
Speakingofwhich Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 yes! happily reconciled 6 years later. I come back to share, to help, to pay it forward. While I realize many a story is not like mine, so many are. Given carte blanche to be with his AP, with little to no interference on my part, it turned out to be the LAST thing he wanted. Which profoundly confused me after close to 2 years of deception. It's how I wound up up LS, seeking answers from others.. Thought affairs were about love and guilt and conflict....Yes they are, but they are not what they seem on the surface....many a time. You are so right! They are not what they seem to be on the surface many a time! If people could understand this probably many more marriages would be saved. So glad your marriage was restored!
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