canuckprincess Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives?
HopingAgain Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 No, its not possible. You can't give 100% of yourself relationship wise to more than one person. I'm sure some can fake it for awhile but at some point they're going to crack when the exhaustion from trying to keep up with it all becomes too great a burden to bear. 2
compulsivedancer Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? I imagine you could do it, but the marriage would still be a lie, so is that true reconciliation? Now if all three adults knew and consented to a basically polygamous relationship or an open relationship, I think it would be possible. 5
eleanorrigby Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? I think some wayward spouses put in a massive effort to make this happen. But it's like a house a cards. A situation like that can fall apart with the slightest disturbance. The only way I can see this working is if all three of you got together and worked things out so that all three of you are satisfied and content with the situation. 4
Owl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? I think a sociopath could pull it off... ...but I don't believe that it's a true reconciliation, nor a 'true' relationship with either partner. 9
road Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? Not impossible. People have affairs all the time. WW puts on an act for the BH and another act for the OM. Difference between doing the right thing and acting at doing the right thing. 4
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I don't know all the details but I remember reading its been a very long (7 years?) A, and 2 years of R since Dday? Are you sure MM hasn't worked out an arrangement with BS of some sort, a don't ask don't tell- I will honor this marriage and always be here, nothing is going to change, just let it be sort of thing? Just seems like an awfully long time to be faking R and be in an active A. My bf fooled me with his cheating for a long time- but after DDay, in hindsight there were PLENTY of clues. If he had continued afterward, there's no way I wouldn't have noticed. 1
Lillyfree Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 i agree with owl. and to add, i would seriously question what else person that does that is capable of.
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I have put so much energy into my problems, and I see so many here doing the same...For me this thing is like a bomb throwing schrapnel everywhere and hurting people I love. And it is self-destructive. For others I suppose anything is possible. 1
jnel921 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Let's see.... The last time I checked and experienced it was called an Affair! Seriously????
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I have put so much energy into my problems, and I see so many here doing the same...For me this thing is like a bomb throwing schrapnel everywhere and hurting people I love. And it is self-destructive. For others I suppose anything is possible. Hope. Love. Change. Yes it is possible. 1
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Hope. Love. Change. Yes it is possible. The OP was about continuing an A while engaging in reconciliation. The question was whether it was possible. My comment was about how an A is like a bomb, throwing schrapnel at people I love. I don't see how one can both continue an A while engaging in reconciliation but as I said I guess anything is possible. I wonder what you think I meant. Sure love, change, and hope are possible.
Author canuckprincess Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 I don't know all the details but I remember reading its been a very long (7 years?) A, and 2 years of R since Dday? Are you sure MM hasn't worked out an arrangement with BS of some sort, a don't ask don't tell- I will honor this marriage and always be here, nothing is going to change, just let it be sort of thing? Just seems like an awfully long time to be faking R and be in an active A. My bf fooled me with his cheating for a long time- but after DDay, in hindsight there were PLENTY of clues. If he had continued afterward, there's no way I wouldn't have noticed. I'm not sure of anything, I guess it's possible for them to have a don't ask don't tell policy. I highly doubt it though, from what I've been led to believe she is not the type that would agree or accept a open ended marriage. And yes it has been a very long time so I guess that's why it's not as easy to just walk away like a lot of people have suggested.
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 The OP was about continuing an A while engaging in reconciliation. The question was whether it was possible. My comment was about how an A is like a bomb, throwing schrapnel at people I love. I don't see how one can both continue an A while engaging in reconciliation but as I said I guess anything is possible. I wonder what you think I meant. Sure love, change, and hope are possible. Oh, my. Well I guess I do believe anything is possible. I just hope that a sane human being would not want to both continue an A and try recon at the same time. I'm sure you are not going to do that. So while I did not before understand the meaning of your post my answer is the same. If you want a good result, it is possible for you. Likely even. Almost unavoidable. Cheer up! 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I'm not sure of anything, I guess it's possible for them to have a don't ask don't tell policy. I highly doubt it though, from what I've been led to believe she is not the type that would agree or accept a open ended marriage. And yes it has been a very long time so I guess that's why it's not as easy to just walk away like a lot of people have suggested. What prompted you to question their R? I'm sure it's been suggested to you more than once that you leave, I'd imagine people suggested to her that she leave after Dday...Nobody seems to be going anywhere so I won't make any suggestions like that. What do you want from this? I can't figure any way possible that she can not be at least suspicious the A is still active. Is all the info you have from the MM? Or do you know the BS, have friends in common, etc? How does a man in R find enough time to maintain a relationship outside his marriage without raising suspicion? That is baffling. The only thing we know for sure is that she is still there. So, she is staying with him, and either: She doesn't want to know about the A so ignores any signs of it She is genuinely oblivious She is suspicious but doesn't know for sure She knows but doesn't care She knows and is upset There is really no way to tell. It could be any of those things, or it could be that they have worked out a deal for an open marriage, maybe she has a man of her own on the side- or it could be something else entirely that I didn't even think of. What is it about this guy that's so appealing? Does he ever feel bad about the years he has taken from you? Is he promising you he is leaving his wife? I'm sorry I should go back and read some of your posts before I ask so many questions. I'm having a lot of difficulty imagining how your guy has pulled this off for so long with so few problems. Does he know what he wants? I'm guessing he likes things the way they are? 1
carhill Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? IMO and IME, anything is possible. That said, I know few people personally who've had affairs who were/are able to achieve this. The exceptions so far have been high social status males who, in general, live 'separate' lives in their professional and personal realms, and have easy access to a variety of potential partners, whether short or long-term Is it possible to live two seperated lives? The more prevalent one's ability and use of compartmentalization of their psychology/behaviors, the more 'possible' it is to live two separated lives. Some people are exceedingly adept at preventing the 'boxes' of the two lives from ever touching, psychologically. TBH, I've seen examples of this 'box theory' in both men and women but men are generally considered to be more proficient in it. It's an extension of the same psychology which permits them to kill by day and rock their baby at night, as one example. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 This is truly a frightening concept; that a man could so successfully regain the trust of his BS while continuing with his AP. What a great actor.....or sociopath he must be. Two women love, trust and support him and with great ease and no twinge of conscious, he can masterfully lie to both of them and keep them in their little compartments. Scary stuff! 4
Zenstudent Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Is it possible to have a reconcilliation but never end the affair? I mean do all the right things, MC, heavy lifting and when your with your spouse be devoted to them. Then turn around and when with your AP be completely devoted to them? Is it possible to live two seperated lives? I guess it depends on how you define reconcilation. I looked it up and found that it could mean to "reestablish friendly relations" which probably could be done while having an affair. Usually I think of reconciliation in this aspect as rebuilding the intimate connection between a couple = two people. I don't see how that's supposed to happen when one of the two isn't there a 100%. False reconciliation. Some piece of work. 1
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I guess it depends on how you define reconcilation. I looked it up and found that it could mean to "reestablish friendly relations" which probably could be done while having an affair. Usually I think of reconciliation in this aspect as rebuilding the intimate connection between a couple = two people. I don't see how that's supposed to happen when one of the two isn't there a 100%. False reconciliation. Some piece of work. Indeed. The only problem I have here is that I see a very thin line between "false reconciliation" and "sincere attempt but failed reconciliation." Reality does have a way of following thought. You need to envision a reconciliation before actually achieving it and it is possible to give a sincere effort but then just fail. 3
waterwoman Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Indeed. The only problem I have here is that I see a very thin line between "false reconciliation" and "sincere attempt but failed reconciliation." Reality does have a way of following thought. You need to envision a reconciliation before actually achieving it and it is possible to give a sincere effort but then just fail. I totally agree. Both parties can sincerely want that outcome but not know how, or be able to get there. 1
Confused48 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 This is truly a frightening concept; that a man could so successfully regain the trust of his BS while continuing with his AP. What a great actor.....or sociopath he must be. Two women love, trust and support him and with great ease and no twinge of conscious, he can masterfully lie to both of them and keep them in their little compartments. Scary stuff! Women do it too. 2
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 This is truly a frightening concept; that a man could so successfully regain the trust of his BS while continuing with his AP. What a great actor.....or sociopath he must be. Two women love, trust and support him and with great ease and no twinge of conscious, he can masterfully lie to both of them and keep them in their little compartments. Scary stuff! I think there are more explanations. In trying to figure out my own mind here I have arrived, at least for the moment, at this: Happiness comes, ironically, from doing nice things for others. No there is clearly something screwed up about wanting to be nice and do nice things in this three person scenario and one does not have to be either an actor nor a sociopath. One can be confused. One can be ignorant. And, hey, maybe for some people it does work? I mean I see the problem here and I see my urgent need to fix this but that is just me. Sometimes the answer is there is no answer. I never promised you a rose garden and all of that.
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I think there are more explanations. In trying to figure out my own mind here I have arrived, at least for the moment, at this: Happiness comes, ironically, from doing nice things for others. No there is clearly something screwed up about wanting to be nice and do nice things in this three person scenario and one does not have to be either an actor nor a sociopath. One can be confused. One can be ignorant. And, hey, maybe for some people it does work? I mean I see the problem here and I see my urgent need to fix this but that is just me. Sometimes the answer is there is no answer. I never promised you a rose garden and all of that. Moper, I'll concede confusion, but 7 years is NOT a mid-life crisis or confusion, especially with a DDAY two years ago where the MM claims the wife was appeased and all is hunky dory with her while he continues with his OW. It's a choice! One that appears to be working for him! 3
Moper Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Moper, I'll concede confusion, but 7 years is NOT a mid-life crisis or confusion, especially with a DDAY two years ago where the MM claims the wife was appeased and all is hunky dory with her while he continues with his OW. It's a choice! One that appears to be working for him! Absolutely it is a choice. Maybe it works, and maybe it doesn't. You have no way to know. One can only draw their own lines and make their own choices. I was advised to go to a retreat. My counselor says that she has never seen them fail to get people to arrive at their decision in such instances. I was also advised that it can take years to arrive at such a decision. Oh boy. I think I have an answer and then I don't. It is very frustrating.
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Why not inform your wife? have your wife and OW meet for lunch. I'm sure they will make the decision for you and very quickly too. 3
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