Why do people act like the friendzone is permanent?

[CrystalCastles]

There is a whole section on here about friends becoming lovers. So why do people act like once you're in the friendzone, you're there forever? I personally have taken friends out of the friendzone before no problem. Yes there is a risk of losing the friendship if **** hits the fan, I'm aware.

[joystickd]

There is a whole section on here about friends becoming lovers. So why do people act like once you're in the friendzone, you're there forever? I personally have taken friends out of the friendzone before no problem. Yes there is a risk of losing the friendship if **** hits the fan, I'm aware.

There is a big difference between being genuine friends and then becoming lovers and the friendzone where you make your interest know and you get told let's just be friends. Friendzone you have to settle for friendship and this is what bothers guys. Trust me when you get to hear it constantly you'd rather hear a no than some BS like let's just be friends because at least you know the no is genuine and it keeps you out of that grey area.

[fortyninethousand322]

I think it's often permanent. Not always, but often.

 

Sometimes it's permanent because the person never liked you in the first place.

 

So maybe it's a selection bias...

[hotpotato]

It could be that a mans friendzone is more fluid than a woman's, and this causes a lot of confusion between the sexes.

 

I think men have a lot less issues with taking a friend and turning her into a fwb or gf.

[CrystalCastles]

There is a big difference between being genuine friends and then becoming lovers

 

Yeah but weren't you in the FZ before you become lovers? I remember developing feelings for a friend who I had no feelings for before (I think something made me see him in a different light one day, I can't be sure when I realized I had feelings for him, but if you were to ask me if I'd date him a month before this happened, I'd say absolutely no way).

 

Is being friends, and being in the FZ the same thing? I thought it was.

[Phoe]

I developed feelings for a male childhood friend, years and years into our friendship.

 

It sucked, I decided to be honest with him, and our friendship was destroyed.

[fortyninethousand322]

I developed feelings for a male childhood friend, years and years into our friendship.

 

It sucked, I decided to be honest with him, and our friendship was destroyed.

 

He destroyed it?

 

I can't imagine doing that to someone. Having that done to me would feel like being punched in the gut, except worse. Would never want to do that to somebody else...

[Woggle]

There is a huge difference between the friendzone and genuine friendship.

[Simon Phoenix]

Most friends that become lovers were people who were initially friends before even thinking about being lovers. That has a chance of working out in your favor if you play your cards right, because the initial friendship was genuine and the feelings grew naturally and in a healthier manner. Still a high-risk play which usually isn't rewarded, but the friend foundation can be helpful in said situations if one plays their cards right.

 

The friendzone that is almost certainly a death sentence is the one where someone is placed there after failing to woo the other one romantically. There wasn't a pre-established friendship -- just a forced one after either a) swinging and missing early on or b) after a breakup. It's a consolation prize and it's hard to be called back on to the field after you've been benched.

[Woggle]

If you are in the friendzone you are somebody who doesn't get them wet but they keep you around because you might be of some use.

[Phoe]

He destroyed it?

 

I can't imagine doing that to someone. Having that done to me would feel like being punched in the gut, except worse. Would never want to do that to somebody else...

 

It wasn't so cut and dry that it instantly was destroyed, but over the course of a few months things became so strained and we both became so hurt that it was clear the only thing we could do was continue on without one another.

 

 

We haven't spoken in about 8 months now. He did text me a polite Happy Birthday message in May. I miss him though. I still have feelings for him (they're buried very deep), and I also just miss his friendship.

[Carenth]

Goings from friends to lovers is possible sure however there is a key difference between this and what you constantly hear "nice" guys harping on about. My current girlfriend who I went from friends to lovers is that I actually genuinely started out as friends with her and that's all I ever wanted from her.

 

This isn't the first time either. In each case we had a strong friendship and became very close over time so gradual that neither of us really noticed until it was pretty mutual that we cared about each other a lot and decided to try for a relationship.

 

How is this different from the typical friend zone? Well I find people who harp on about the "friend zone" do one of the following.

 

A) Secretly harbor feelings for the other person but is too scared to tell them out of fear of rejection. Think if they are overly nice they will win them over without having to declare how they actually feel, aka a fake friendship to obtain more.

 

B) Tells the person how they feel get rejected offered friendship sees "friendship" as a better stepping stone than a stranger. So engages in a fake friendship to try and obtain their original goal.

 

Then they lament how horrible being in the friend zone is when they have the choice to walk away. Guess what? that isn't friendship, being friends without someone shouldn't be painful or hard (most of the time). However they have the mentality of "I have invested too much time into this girl I'm not leaving until I get what I deserve!".

 

Often too stubborn for their own good and then go on tirades about how nice guys never win and how much they hate women (mostly it's guys posting about friend zone laments) who deny them the relationships they feel they deserve.

 

Real friendships can sometimes progress to relationships (though still very risky). Fake friendships forget about it.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Carenth

[CrystalCastles]

B) Tells the person how they feel get rejected offered friendship sees "friendship" as a better stepping stone than a stranger. So engages in a fake friendship to try and obtain their original goal.

 

Huh. I suppose in my case it was different. I confessed to a guy I liked how I felt about him, and he rejected me, but I wanted to be friends and right now, I don't want a relationship whatsoever for him, and any feelings I have for him are purely platonic. He's a really nice person, very caring and I enjoy his company but I've moved on. I think that's also possible.

 

I see a lot on LS how a woman FZs a guy, but I don't see the other way around. Is that possible, for guys to FZ women? Is it less common for that to happen?

[Carenth]

I don't believe in the "friend zone". I believe it is some warped construct to shame someone for not wanting to have a relationship with someone. So many times I've seen guys say stuff like "Man I would totally be with her right now but the bitch friend zoned me".

 

Actually no you would of never been with her because she never felt that way about you. To be in the friend zone you put yourself there by accepting the friendship in the first place.

 

CrystalCastles I wouldn't say you are in the friend zone because you have accepted and moved on and are happy just being friends.

 

To be in the friend zone requires you to loathe the friendship it seems and eventually the person because you cannot have what you want.

[carhill]

Why do people act like the friendzone is permanent?

 

While past experience is no guarantee of future results, IME the dynamic known on LS as the 'friendzone' has been persistent, without exception, throughout my lifetime. I would attribute this to the psychology of the individuals, rather than to some general 'rule'.

 

The 'friendzone' is not true 'friendship', rather a lopsided emotional vacuuming based upon the attraction/emotional investment of one individual and lack thereof of another. I can't think of one circumstance where a true platonic female friend has ever hoovered me or the reverse. Friends don't do that to each other.

[GoodOnPaper]

a lot on LS how a woman FZs a guy, but I don't see the other way around. Is that possible, for guys to FZ women? Is it less common for that to happen?

 

Sure it's possible. A guy just has to be so confident in his dating options that having a woman interested in him isn't in-and-of-itself a big deal. Such guys are in short supply, especially on LS. That aside, if I actually rejected someone, it would be very difficult for me to be more than friendly acquaintances with her. I'd feel like I would be leading her on if we were closer ...

[CrystalCastles]

CrystalCastles I wouldn't say you are in the friend zone because you have accepted and moved on and are happy just being friends.

 

To be in the friend zone requires you to loathe the friendship it seems and eventually the person because you cannot have what you want.

 

Thanks guys for all the replies.

 

Ah the above makes a lot of sense. I don't feel any resentment towards him whatsoever and I neither want nor am looking for a relationship from him.

Edited August 8, 2013 by CrystalCastles
Answer was just posted now

[CrystalCastles]

GoodOnPaper- this makes me think, are women really such a rarity that a guy can't afford to FZ a woman interested in him unless his options are pretty much limitless (ie, he's got armies of women crawling after him)?

[carhill]

The differences generally revolve around the varying focuses of the genders related to cross-gender relations. A more precise corollary, relevant to general psychology, to the 'friendzone' you're asserting women more often put men into, would be what is called 'FWB' here, in a circumstance where a man has unemotional sex with a woman he is aware is attracted to him and wants a relationship with him. In the reverse, the woman gets what she wants, emotional validation and erstwhile intimacy, while leaving the man high and dry sexually. In FWB, where the woman is attracted and wants an emotional relationship, she gives sex and is denied what she wants. Whether or not these dynamics are persistent/permanent depend upon the psychologies of the individuals.

[carhill]

The other implies that she's playing some sort of malicious or spiteful game with your feelings.

 

This would be my historical experience with the dynamic, which I've variously called 'mind-fµcking' or 'ersatz intimacy'. There are terms of endearment, physical/sexual 'moves' but no real and exigent sex, along with stated or implied 'promises' of future 'whatever'. In my generation, this type of female was known as a 'cock-tease', along with more pejorative terms. I gave enough benefit of the doubt to such types for long enough to gather substantial experience with the psychology. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.

[GoodOnPaper]

GoodOnPaper- this makes me think, are women really such a rarity that a guy can't afford to FZ a woman interested in him unless his options are pretty much limitless (ie, he's got armies of women crawling after him)?

 

I'm sure other factors can be involved depending on an individual guy's nature. For me, the guilt about potentially leading someone on would loom large. But also for me, a woman showing any hint of interest was a huge deal - I always felt I had to see how far we could go romantically.

[spiderowl]

As someone who married my long-term friend, I strongly believe that the friendzone is a term misused by guys especially. Yes, there are guys I would never take it any further with, who are friendzoned, yes. But, there are guys who I am getting to know and I take a long time to feel really comfortable with a guy. I've known guys I've been friends with to become really special to me and others who've just stayed as acquaintances. Feelings can change but they don't always. I would say that some people have a different pace and sometimes friends can and do become lovers and it takes time. In other cases, you are simply not attracted to the guy or don't like him much, but are happy with him being an acquaintance. In those instances, nothing would improve matters.

 

I do think guys can wreck their chances altogether by assuming they are friendzoned if they do not kiss the girl or get her into bed in the first month or so. I've known guys to be so pushy about this that I've had to cut off from them. Their anxiety about whether they've been friendzoned has made them push and tease to the point that I've had to opt out. Their pace is simply much faster than mine.

Edited August 9, 2013 by spiderowl

[amaysngrace]

My niece finally starting dating this guy she met in college and they were good friends for a long time. He came to Easter breakfast at my parents house and her parents took him to their condo in Florida with them and he just hung around like a puppy dog for a really long time.

 

They both just graduated and got a place together.

 

I hope that destroys their relationship. He's not good enough for her and its probably something that only she knew all along but succumbed to the pressure that he put on her by smothering her.

[iKING]

What if I told you..

 

 

 

 

The friendzone doesn't exist?

[Carenth]

What if I told you..

 

 

 

 

The friendzone doesn't exist?

 

You would make a lot of whiny self entitled men very angry. I however agree with you.