How Long For Nc Until The Ex Knows They Have Messed Up!

November 17, 2004

DO YOU GUYS EVER SHUT UP!?!?!?!?!!??! hahaha... just kidding....

Nice to see everyone is doing well..... and that some of you will have the oppourtunity to 'play' with your ex's heads.......... give them hell, but if you feel something, take it slow.

I have been working my ass off................ hopefully I'll have a chance to post more tomorrow.

peace and LOVE to the family!

November 17, 2004

Hey Guys,

Glad to hear WantanS4 you are alive an well!!....HandH its a tough call you care for her and maybe your friend is right just leave it be....I was thinking you know, they are just a capable as us (our exs) to pick up a phone or e-mail us, regardlesss if they are "wussy" in nature...I mean christ if they are able to be in a relationship when they should be grown up to deal with a little thing like just seeing how a person is doing....oh well

Hows everyone else doing? Kodiak how are you doing man?

November 17, 2004

on a somewhat unrelated note, today was my bday. 26. I am ancient. Someone wheel me to the closest retirement home.

November 17, 2004

Hey! Happy, Happy Birthday!!!

How'd you celebrate your old age--uh, I mean birthday?

November 17, 2004

Happy bday weird, hey that's weird I will be 27! on Saturday! I think that we should go out for some beers. I have finally seen the light when it comes to my ex if anyone wants to read I posted on break ups. I feel fricking relieved to finally have gained insight on his behaviour. I hope you enjoy your birthday

Your bud

Atlous

November 18, 2004

You need to be wheeled to a retirement home? Really? I'm 43 and I feel smashing. Someone said I was in my peak and I guess so. I think it's all of that healthy eating, drinking lots of water and pumping weight and running. I want to go all day and all night and all week. I think I found him though. I'm in love with my ex but maybe this new man can make me forget. He is 32 and tall and built and passive-aggressive, thank god. The others are too aggresive and run out of steam in 30/45 minutes. I like to be aggresive a little too but it's like men have to have all of the control and that might be the total opposite for women but I don't know.

This is a good sign. Here is a testament to you.....take your time....in all things.

November 18, 2004

WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!from all of your freinds in low places!

here is to you !

thanks for being here for us even on your B-DAY!

November 18, 2004

you already know that this guy is passive agressive in bed? or am i reading too far into it?

if you do know this personally, then i think you should have taken your own medicine about take things slowly!!!!

but to each his------oops -----her own....

whatever helps you cope is the truth in my opinion....i am not judging you one bit--i know it is hard and especially when you dont have the person you normally would go to when things get tough.....

my ex is a stupid poopy head and is so weak i cant imagine what she is doing trying to cope with her new life!

okay, got it all out!

here is some invaluable advice i just read!

5 reasons as to:

Why Spouses Stray

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.

"Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse," says Shechtman, coauthor along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004). "Despite the cliches -- the midlife crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance -- that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words."

"You have to keep reminding him how lucky he is to have you," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Adams Media Corporation, 2002). "All the propaganda in the world tells us 'keep your man,' 'hold on to your man,' 'jump through hoops for your man,' but your attitude should be 'If you want to go, I'll help you pack'...Healthy mutual respect is the best immune system in a relationship."

"That's right," adds Shechtman. He says that the harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well...boring. So, focusing on your appearance or attempting to please your partner completely misses the point.

5 Warning Signs

Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude can be condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. "If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful," says Shechtman. "Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages."

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. "Selfless devotion is boring," says Shechtman. "Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that."

"Having a life of your own is important," says Argov. "When you have your own sense of income and independence, and feel that you can be with or without him, he will smell it and he'll treat you differently."

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance.

"Even with young kids, a couple must take private time for themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of five books on love and relationships, and professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "Make a rule that you don't talk about the kids until you download your adult issues and experiences for the day together. Keep kid talk out of the bedroom."

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication.

"Talk to him in a playful way," says Argov. "Banter with him. Be a little sassy and keep it short and sweet. Save the emotional talk for things that are very important to you, and let the rest go -- because when you do raise hell, he has to believe there's merit to it."

Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. "Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel," says Shechtman. "Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count."

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to be all he or she can be, if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be an uninterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: Get a life.

"Have your own friends," says Dr. Schwartz. "Have a job and hobbies you really care about. Don't cancel everything on the spot just because your partner wants you for something -- show that you have boundaries, commitments, and don't just exist for him. Read, read, read! And then talk about books, articles, movies, and news together. Develop an adventurous relationship based on trips, projects, and hobbies."

"Set goals and work toward them," Shechtman urges. "Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die."

"This is not the '50s anymore," says Argov. "Men tend to view women who don't have goals and objectives as being deadbeat. When they're going to work everyday and pulling all the weight in the relationship, they really begin to resent it when you don't make a contribution."

"There's one other point I would make," Shechtman adds. "Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself."

November 18, 2004

Dear Head (!),

Where did all of that come from? I was with my ex for over one year. Yes, I miss him only he is with someone else. So I should be a nun as a result? No, not where I come from. I can't predict the future. Maybe things will work out for him with the person that he is with. I do know that his job is in jeopardy, so I hope that he will land on his feet because with the type of work that he has, he is replaceable so he will feel the same way that I did when he decided to do that very same thing to me. I am sorry for him like that.

It might not work out with the person that I am with. I do know that I like feeling good, however. I would not do anything to hurt anyone. I am not built like that. If I really wanted to blow this new thing, then all I would have to do is chase and call him incessantly until he decided to stop seeing me and while it's reverse psychology, it would work too. I have discovered this about myself in that when I treated my ex so well it was because I was waiting on his happiness like the above and not mine. So when he broke from me, I stopped anything for him. I know that he will not be treated like that again in the future, but that is not my responsibility anymore. I'm doing things for me and I realize that this is why I am getting the attention that I now deserve. It's my turn.

November 18, 2004

Thanks guys for the nice bday wishes

flexi lexi,

My buddy came over and cooked me a badass steak dinner and we then played some video games. exciting, huh? hehe.

atlous,

babe, I'd take you out for a beer if I lived near you. I read your post in question and I like the cut of its jig. The home robber was a good analogy.

heels,

thanks bro. I am going to reply after this post to the stuff you read.

charlane,

it's called a joke. Of course I am not all crippled or even feeling old. I don't look old either. I look like I'm early 20s at the most. Kinda funny but i guess when I am middle age I will be thankful I have a young looking face.

May I offer some advice? Try not to brag about how your current guy can go marathon sessions with you while all these other guys are aggressive and only can go 30-45 mins. I can only assume you are talking about sex time and well, this thread isn't about detailing the time we spend humping others. Not that it really matters but if I was with a female and she wanted me to spend more than 30-45 mins engaging in sexual activity I'd laugh at her and tell her she is with the wrong guy. I have better things to do with my time than the same friggin motion with the same outcome...we were given intelligent brains for a reason and the ability to do so much stuff rather than just hump like monkeys and rabbits. I like to take advantage of the brain I was given but I guess some don't and choose to act like any other animal who just eats, humps and sleeps.

November 18, 2004

Heels,

See, I wouldn't stay with a girl who kept reminding me how lucky I was to be with her. Girls who do that are what I refer to as egotistical princess wannabe bitches. I also do not know of any guy who would want agirl like that.I really don't think the advice that woman gives there is good. It would only work if the guy is a pussy whipped bish and would actually be talked down by his woman just to keep getting that piece of ass. If so, the guy is pathetic.

I am all about balance. Neither person should veer say to the other "you are lucky to have me" or anything like that. People who say that to their partner have some serious maturity issues and are looking to get fugged over for being so full of themselves.

I also think it is silly that people would stray because they find their partner boring. Why not get the person to not be boring rather than go whore yourself out to someone? I mean, I see how that can be a big reason why some cheat...I just think if a person does that they should maybe look at themselves and try and spice up the relationship rather than go seek outside satisfaction.

I like the warning signs they give. To me, those are signs that the relationship has issues ratehr than just one partner may go and have an affair

What do you think of that stuff you read?

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by Weird
I also think it is silly that people would stray because they find their partner boring. Why not get the person to not be boring rather than go whore yourself out to someone?

This is true, but I think sometimes people don't realize that they are being bored by their partner...they don't understand what is going on, but they think their feelings of love have faded and they're not really in love with the person anymore. When really, the other person might just be going through a funk and could snap out of it and become the old interesting and busy person their partner originally fell for.

November 18, 2004

Um Wierd, love of the mind is good really but if you look on this board you can lose count of how many people are hurt because the people they love DID get physical....with someone else.

I agree that there should be a connection and I really didn't think I was bragging. Actually I wasn't even pointing a finger at myself but making an overall observation on what I see. There is no grey area with that either.

I'm not trying to disrespect you, but it is what it is. The basic instinct is where it all begins.

November 18, 2004

Weird-

I would have to say I agree with almost everything you say. I believe that we think alike. You are brilliant when it comes down to the truth. I can relate to everything and that is refreshing when you read a thread that just makes you go right on! You are truly a cool truthful homey

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by Charlane
Um Wierd, love of the mind is good really but if you look on this board you can lose count of how many people are hurt because the people they love DID get physical....with someone else.

I agree that there should be a connection and I really didn't think I was bragging. Actually I wasn't even pointing a finger at myself but making an overall observation on what I see. There is no grey area with that either.

I'm not trying to disrespect you, but it is what it is. The basic instinct is where it all begins.

Huh? What are you talking about?

All I said was I prefer to actually use the advanced intelligence I was given as a human being rather than focus my life humping like a bunny. I'm wrong for that? Oh and you were somewhat pointing a finger at "aggressive guys" who "only" spend 30-45 mins on sex in a session before they "tire out" and how you need way more now.

I just think it is silly and good luck if you truly want to base a relationship on the amount of time you hump a night. Sounds silly but hey, to each their own.

November 18, 2004

atlous,

thanks babe, I really appreciate those nice words

Do you have any plans for your bday tomorrow?

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by mischafan160
This is true, but I think sometimes people don't realize that they are being bored by their partner...they don't understand what is going on, but they think their feelings of love have faded and they're not really in love with the person anymore. When really, the other person might just be going through a funk and could snap out of it and become the old interesting and busy person their partner originally fell for.

Agreed. Too many people start to cry when the person they are with starts to act a lil different. Usually it is the person is in a funk as you say but the other person starts assuming other stuff like the perosn has changed, or the person doesn't love them anymore, etc. What happened to people just sticking with their partner through both good and bad? We're humans and we have our ups and downs. I think too many people in this world expect a relationship full of perfection and nothing but good times. What fairy tale are they in? It must be a best seller since so many people are in it or believe in it.

I will say that I think a huge issue is that many people just aren't open and many times when people are in a funk they don't share that with their partner and stay closed off and that leads the partner to think something else or that the person has changed. Got to communicate.

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by Weird
Huh? What are you talking about?

All I said was I prefer to actually use the advanced intelligence I was given as a human being rather than focus my life humping like a bunny. I'm wrong for that? Oh and you were somewhat pointing a finger at "aggressive guys" who "only" spend 30-45 mins on sex in a session before they "tire out" and how you need way more now.

I just think it is silly and good luck if you truly want to base a relationship on the amount of time you hump a night. Sounds silly but hey, to each their own.

You are right on that weird ,if a woman looking on how long a man can hump her in bed that relationship is in a lot of trouble. Most men and women are now into good look,money and how long a person can hump. Where is the true love in the relationship these days.

November 18, 2004

I think true love went out the door the minute society started to go orgasmic over all the dating reality BS on tv and also with Sex & The City. I really enjoy that show but damn, some women (and probably some men too) use it as the gospel to their lives. Sad.

I'm now off to my 3 hour hump session with the super model looking airhead I just met walking down the street.

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by Weird
atlous,

thanks babe, I really appreciate those nice words

Do you have any plans for your bday tomorrow?

Atlous,

whoops. I meant saturday. I keep thinking today is Friday for some reason.

November 18, 2004

Originally posted by Weird
I think true love went out the door the minute society started to go orgasmic over all the dating reality BS on tv and also with Sex & The City. I really enjoy that show but damn, some women (and probably some men too) use it as the gospel to their lives. Sad.

I'm now off to my 3 hour hump session with the super model looking airhead I just met walking down the street.

I been dating 5 months after my break-up,but can't seem to find anyone that i like,so i decided to just not date for a while... she was my true love. It kind of hard to meet someone that i really like now. My ex and i had so much in common,and can't see to find anyone that can match up to her. Well i quess that life.....huh

November 18, 2004

I havent dated anyone since I broke up with my ex. Havent met anyone around here that I could see myself in a long term relationship with so I figured there was no point. Sadly, as much as my ex bugs me with how she handles some stuff and needs to grow up, she is still better than the girls I have met in the area.

November 18, 2004

I feel almost mended. I'm not far from being the happy person I was before I met my ex. Started boxing now and I'm playing 5-a-side football 3 times a week. Getting ridiculously fit, strong and fast now. I've got my medical for the police next week, which I can't wait for; when I've had the all clear that's it, next step is police constable in Jan 2005, yippee! No more sitting in this office hitting keys and moving a mouse around, whilst getting RSI and eye strain.

Went out last night with my brother, a load of bouncers and a load of police. It was an ace night, they were all sound. I was driving, so no beer; didn't miss the beer one bit and no hang over this morning. I did drink too much Red Bull though and I don't think I blinked for about 10 minutes. Could not sleep when I got but most of my friends had come around anyway. Played Halo 2 deathmatch all night. Never a dull night just lately in our house.

Weird,

I agree that couples should stick through the good and bad together. When things are good, it's magic and you feel on top of the world. When things go wrong, yes it's hard but if you battle it out, you're stronger at the end of it. Arguments are horrible but everyone argues, life would be boring without a bit of hassle; naturally we are only human. However the making up after is the best part.

My ex used to think that any disagreement we had was an argument. Discussing something was an argument to her. When I tried to talk to her after the split she would just clam up and say she didn't want to argue. I just wanted to talk through what was happening but no, selfishly she has kept this for herself.

I've come to the conclusion now that whatever I do will be seen by her as the wrong thing. There is nothing I can do. I learnt this hard lesson years ago with a previous ex. I'm a battler and I will work my nuts off to make anything work or achieve something hard. This is the only situation where I have to let it go. It is hard but it is getting easier with every week that passes. I do and achieve so much every week now I don't think I'd have time for a full blown relationship. I dropped everything for her, I'm not doing that to myself again.

I've noticed lots of women are smiling at me again and approaching me to talk. I must have had a face like stone after we first split. I know I was miserable but now I feel happy and confident again. I feel like how I felt when I first met her. I don't know how I will feel if I bump into her though; I know one thing, I don't want to bump into her, I feel like I'm progressing. I did see her sister (she looked rough) last night and she said hello and walked off, her mates were buzzing around me for a while. I know one of them fancies me but 'NO DICE', I'm not interested and I wouldn't do that to my ex anyway. There was a woman watching me all last night, I had a fling with her years ago but I know she's married now. She used to ring me and say her husband was away and would I like to come around. I never did and in the end I told her straight never to ring me again because it's not my thing. She finally came over to me last night and started asking if I'd see her, I just told her no. Why do people get married if they are going to act in this way?? I do get a lot of attention from married women and it bugs me how easily they will stray. I have never gone with any by the way.

I was only going to write a bit but I've waffled some.

Laters dudes and dudettes

November 18, 2004

My ex used to think that any disagreement we had was an argument. Discussing something was an argument to her. When I tried to talk to her after the split she would just clam up and say she didn't want to argue. I just wanted to talk through what was happening but no, selfishly she has kept this for herself.

That is EXACTLY how my ex is. Any discussion where we have a differing opinion is a fight in her mind. It's hilarious. Also, my ex always would refuse to talk about things. Even now she does this. She just runs away from discussing stuff.

Guess it makes it eaiser for people to think that way rather than see things aren't nearly as bad as they try to imagine.

November 18, 2004

bigacesteve,

Seems to me that people get married because it's 'convenient'. The married woman that keeps wanting to commit adultery with is probably one of those type of women that need to do something 'disrespectful' in order to feel good about her self... in order to feel that she has an 'edge' and isn't just another run of the mill type.

But i completely agree with how AGGREVATING it is to deal with people who won't communicate. They say relationships are all based on communication, and it seems to me that every guy on this forum who was dumped by his S.O. claims that talking to their S.O. was like trying to pry opne the jaws of a pitbull. Women, I think, by nature are selfish/spoiled........ everything has to go their way, and if there's even a hint of something not happening their way, they think of ANYTHING to get out or have it go their way.

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