Very long story; the few who read it, thank you. Pouring my heart out.

[varunsure]

This will be two posts. Well, let me start by saying I'm eighteen - young, I know, with my whole life ahead of me but needless to say this struck me in ways I cannot explain; it's shaken me at my very foundation.

 

February 20th, 2011 - the best day of my life; I was at a local music venue and I saw this GORGEOUS(...drop...dead...) Hispanic girl with her friend, just standing around. Now normally, I'm not too open about talking to girls but something about this one..just..struck me..it just drew me in. It just felt right, right there.

 

I run up to them and start talking and eventually I and her friend are somewhere off talking and I tell him that "she's cute" which eventually he tells to her and she just..blushes and curdles, shy as she was. Well, I talk to her for a little while before I end up with my own friends again; I'm around the side of the building when she comes walking out from behind it, crying and visibly miserable. An ex had been bothering and ruining her night just out of spite so I walked up to her..not knowing her at all, really..and put my arm around her and just walked with her; comforted her.

 

As the night goes on, I eventually get her number but find out she has a boyfriend, of just a few weeks, a basic high-school fling(although I had actually had genuine relationships prior to this point in time.) - only fifteen, such a young girl, although she's matured and blossomed into..an amazing young woman. I myself was only sixteen.

 

I was just basically getting out of a relationship at the time and reminded her of that, although she figured I was still taken; the next day, I get a call from that same male friend of hers who talks to me because she was too shy and nervous to talk to me herself and he says that she wants me to come over to her house the next day, and I'm just..OKAY! He told me I wouldn't be able to go inside and etc. due to her parents and I just did not care. I didn't care if it was just five minutes. I needed to be with this girl, right then, right there.

 

So, I get a friend to drive me out there and I see her and hang out with her and her friends(as well as boyfriend, whom she didn't pay much attention to..although he didn't pay much attention to her either. He was a geeky, nervous type to be honest.) and eventually after around 15-30 minutes I have to go as my friend gets bored so we leave, but I hug her and we keep talking.

 

Two days later, we're talking on the phone and start hinting at the fact we both have crushes - we go through a silly game before stating that we can both clearly tell it's each other; we mention we'll clear up ourselves for each other and sure enough, we find ourselves together..............the best time of my life...I was her first sexually and her first real love..she always told me she wanted me to be the first and last, but..as we all know, that's often a fairy-tale. Our sexuality developed together too, we explored everything together - every interest, every desire.

 

Month after month, we built our relationship and grew together, spending almost every day together after a while and loving each other and our time together, every minute of it.

 

After about a year, I start to experience my own stress from my own mistakes in life - I started to feel lower self-esteem, angry all the time at myself. My own problems. However, regardless, as it had always been for us - no matter what we got ourselves into in terms of arguments or how mad we got at each other, we'd forgive and make up instantly. She'd always tell me she could never stay mad at me. If it was her who did something wrong, I'd always forgive her.

 

We knew each other at our best and worst - and loved each other.

 

Slowly I started to realize this girl was..everything; I'd cry a day without her sometimes. She brought back memories of the fantasies I had when I was so much younger of the girl I thought my dream girl; the idea I created in my head when I was young of my soulmate. She started to fit this, and I started to realize it - and I started to fit hers.

 

We start to plan a future together - children, family, everything, and slowly we even start to change together as we grow, as anyone does, rather than growing apart. We had every detail matched. We'd spend almost everyday together, and we wouldn't even have to go on dates or go out to be happy together - we'd be just fine laying down and watching mediocre television, just holding each other all night. So much passion when we made love, we never not told each other that we loved each other when we did.

 

Fast-forward to now..as she turned 18, she was confronted with the fact that she has to get a job (which she now has as of tomorrow, Mon-Fri, a tobacco factory, 12 hours a day..) in order to support her family due to the fact they have a sixth child on the way with only one person working - living in a mobile home. Her mother, for that matter, makes her do all the cleaning and even yardwork sometimes.

 

A basic forced transition into adulthood, I suppose; to combine, things had been getting far worse in our relationship - constant arguments and tension, and I exploded at one point around her like I had never done before. I wasn't being what I should've been: her rock, the thing which comforted her..as I had been before, when she truly needed it more than ever..and I find it hard to forgive myself for that right now. I was a jerk, a stress, a problem.

 

Why? My own problems were getting far worse - I was also 18, and turning 19 soon and facing my own limitations and shortcomings in life and had no idea what I was going to do. I still had to go to the community college to finish my courses so I could actually receive my diploma as I had dropped out. Slowly, it started to wear and tear at us...I had always feared she'd get fed up of my sh*t, for lack of a better word, but never thought it'd actually happen. Dumb, I know, and I know I sound like a jerk right now..I know. I deserve that. We were always honest with each other, regardless of what the truth is. and we had gotten through some pretty rough times.

 

One point she even thought she wanted a break before, but we got through it and were happy together..and please..I knew our happiness was real. I recall her saying, just two or so months ago, "it just feels right. I can't see myself with anyone else, really. it just feels right" and we started to get eager about the idea of one day having a family.

 

Last week..Monday; after that explosion I had mentioned, things had not been..the same. Eventually we spoke and she said it was just the worst it had ever been and she didn't know what to do, but that she'd get over it - I knew this was not true.

 

Eventually, we were just laying there together in silence and I had to ask (because normally she'd always cheer up at this point, no matter what we had been through.) "..so are we ruined?" and she said, "what's the point? you're always unhappy and I can't make you happy." I remember saying what every douchebag in my position says and said "give me one last chance" and she responded with "I've given you so many chances." and eventually it came clear to me she had intents to leave. But every time I'd try to go out of my room to tell my grandmother that we had to take her home, she'd pull me back and tell me to just..hold her, sit with her, kiss her, and she'd tell me she loves me.

 

At one point I just couldn't take it anymore and tried to leave and she pulled me back, turned me around and said she'd stay..looked me in the eyes and was crying and said she didn't know what she was thinking and held me tight, we held each other tight and kissed, and our day after that was actually..good. It seemed like the usual. She wanted a change - the constant arguments to stop and my temper to just slow down; all the stress and unhappiness. I knew that but wasn't completely sure of everything she wanted changed.

 

Wednesday was an alright day, too, although I started to get stressed at the end of the day due to stuff going on with my family and it led her to worry. I, just as well, had been afraid ever since Monday. She'd stayed, yeah..but she came so close to leaving me that the fear stuck with me.

[varunsure]

Friday comes and I'm just..desolate. When I see her, she smiles at me and tells me 'hey baby', tells me she misses me, hugs and kisses me and we get in the car. When we finally get home, I start talking to her about..just negativity. I start saying I wonder if I needed to be on medication, and that I didn't know if I could make the changes she needed me to make. I didn't even know everything she wanted me to change - now I do, but it's too late..anyway..I was worried that it was to the core of me and even said if you can't love me for who I am, I am sorry and eventually she buried her face in her hands and started saying the same things she was saying Monday.

 

I recall her saying "so either way no matter what I do, you're miserable?" and I denied that, but she said "I know you. It'll be good for a while, and then everything will start again." and eventually it became clear she was going to leave me. While she made me sit down with her a couple of times just as she did Monday when I tried to walk out the room, she didn't stop me the fourth time...and it happened. She was crying and told my grandmother and mother sorry..she apologized for leaving, which she should not do. My mother hugged her and told her that it was okay, for her to just do what's right for her.

 

She looked at me at one point and told me she wanted this to work, she did, but everything I was saying was just making it seem like it couldn't...so..she leaves, and my grandmother starts taking her home. Eventually, I call my grandmother by the time she's half-way down the road and ask if I can go with her - she asks my former love and of course she says I can. I just wanted those..last moments, with her.

 

As we were driving to her house, we were both crying and we held onto each other and even kissed at one point. When we got to her house we talked for a while and I just..I told her I knew I needed to work on me and she needed to work on her. I reminded her she could be anything she wanted to be - she's just that amazing. She hugged me before she went inside, and said "I'll be back one day." and I told her not to take too long, and she said she wouldn't.

 

I had never been more aware of what needed to change - I went home in a depressed frenzy, and eventually called her just to check on her. She didn't answer but called me back and told me she'd been busy doing yardwork for her mother, and we talked for a brief while before she had to go. She told me she'd call back later that night.

 

She does, real late, and we talk for a little while; she tells me she wants our future to be good, and not a struggle. and I ask her does she still trust me, which she confirms, and does she still love me, to which she says "of course." I ask her if she really still wanted our future, and she says "yes, baby." (these words..melted me.))

 

I ask her will she ever come back and she says "well, I mean, I just talked about our future." so naturally, but she finishes with "I will come back..in time. I just want to be alone right now." She starts spending most of her time with her friends, enjoying herself..I ended up seeing a picture of her posted the day after she left with her friend(a girl.) and her smiling..and I just..it hurt me for some reason, I don't know why. I loved seeing her smile, but it hurt for some reason, too..just knowing she was happy and fine without me, I guess. Meanwhile I am going insane. She tells her brother apparently when she goes inside that she is taking a break until things settle between us.

 

Well, the next day after she leaves, we do eventually talk when she's done with her friends - she went to a Church thing, helped one find her wedding dress, etc. but breaks her phone - which, my grandmother pays for. Wasn't a lie, she actually did. She had called me off her mother's cellphone and we spoke, and when the relationship came up she mentioned she likes the fact we can talk now but it always leads to the relationship, and it just makes it harder. I just have to ask her, though, in all my confusion: is this a break..or a break-up? to which she says she does not know, she just wants to be alone right now...which means, I guess, when she said she'd come back one day, she either said it to soften the blow or her mind is truly changing very fast, and she's happy and just fine without me.

 

We did however agree to go to the movies and talked Monday as well, and I made the foolish mistake of just telling her I want her to know I'm here to support her, I'll always be here for her, etc. to which she replies that despite the fact it's hard to contact me right now, she's here for me too.

 

She tells me she doesn't want to come back just for us to go back to arguing all the time, and while I try to explain how that can change (I've been making a conscious effort - going out and getting applications, filling them out, am enrolling in courses soon, seeing a therapist, etc.), I admit that I know it's hard for her to believe, to which she says "that, and I just want to be alone right now." but I remind her of how much this means to me, and that I'll always fight for us.

 

When she hangs up the phone, she asks me "can I tell you that I love you?" to which I say "of course." and she says it and I tell her I love her, and etc. I ask her can I receive a kiss, which she blows me - although she doesn't do it very joyfully, I just laughingly say 'that wasn't very enthusiastic' and she says 'I didn't even realize it wasn't' and I just say it's okay..I wasn't being serious, but I think she thinks I was.

 

Our movie date, originally scheduled for yesterday(tuesday), it got cancelled due to her grandparents coming to visit her and her mother, as her mother is expected to give birth this week. We agreed on tomorrow/today, and that was cancelled as well - as she calls earlier to tell me that she has her job now, that grueling job I mentioned earlier.

 

When we spoke earlier, she was mostly in a hurry - tired, and probably had to give her mother her cellphone back quite quickly, and also had to go to bed right then as she has to be at her aunts today at 6 A.M. so she didn't really say I love you or goodnight this time - just bye.

 

I know my relationship is done. I know my constant mistakes ruined it, and I know that despite what she says..I am quite sure her mind is truly made up and she's actually quite fine without me. I know that even though I truly am trying to change, it is too late; this event was the dire event I needed and the necessary kick-in-the-teeth, so to speak, but I know it is too late. I know all of these things. I messed up, and made the worst mistake I've ever made in my entire life - the only thing I can do is..learn from it, I guess.

 

I only came here for support, I guess..this..I can't explain how this feels. It feels like I've literally lost half of me, my soulmate, as stupid and corny as that sounds, I know.

 

Thanks...

[Chi townD]

Well, the biggest problem is that the two of you are young and just entering into adulthood. When you reach your twenties, you'll find that you have different desires and wants than when you were a teenager. Unfortunately, we all change. You're not going to be the same person that you are now in, say, 3-4 years from now. There's a big transition from teenager to young adult, a MASSIVE one.

 

Plus, she's got soooo many stressors going on with her life right now it's not even funny. Working 12 hour shifts at a factory and then coming home and doing the majority of the housework to help out with the family. She's been force to mature way before she was ready to. Therefore, any down time that she does have, it was filled with MORE stress from you when it should have been fun filled and just.....being a kid!

 

Okay, so she broke up with you. It is what it is. You need to leave her alone and work on you. Work on YOUR future. And it seem like you're doing just that. You were a drop out, but you wrote that you're attending a community college and taking courses (I assume for your GED) which is awesome! Get that GED but don't stop there! Continue to go to that community college and DO GOOD! Find out what you're interested in for a major and get it! Whether it be information technology, computer sciences, nursing, criminology...whatever. Do your homework and find out what you like that has a nice financial return in the job market. Do well at that community college. Get a GPA of at least 3.0 and most 4 year universities will probably take you (although, you'll only have to go for 2 years for your bachelors). If you think that you can't afford a university, I can tell you that if you have the grades and they think you can do it. They will find you the money. FAFSA, Pell grants, scholarships....anything to get you in the door (colleges and universities are hurting for students because of the state of the economy, people aren't going to school anymore).

 

So, in the end. You'll have a degree to get a great job, you can move out of grandma's and mom's to a place of your own. Because, you'll be able to afford that nice townehome in a great neighborhood with a nice new car. Your Ex is going t be attracted to a guy that has his head on straight, that has goals in life and achieves them and is self sufficient.

 

Time to work on you right now.

[varunsure]

Well, the biggest problem is that the two of you are young and just entering into adulthood. When you reach your twenties, you'll find that you have different desires and wants than when you were a teenager. Unfortunately, we all change. You're not going to be the same person that you are now in, say, 3-4 years from now. There's a big transition from teenager to young adult, a MASSIVE one.

 

Plus, she's got soooo many stressors going on with her life right now it's not even funny. Working 12 hour shifts at a factory and then coming home and doing the majority of the housework to help out with the family. She's been force to mature way before she was ready to. Therefore, any down time that she does have, it was filled with MORE stress from you when it should have been fun filled and just.....being a kid!

 

Okay, so she broke up with you. It is what it is. You need to leave her alone and work on you. Work on YOUR future. And it seem like you're doing just that. You were a drop out, but you wrote that you're attending a community college and taking courses (I assume for your GED) which is awesome! Get that GED but don't stop there! Continue to go to that community college and DO GOOD! Find out what you're interested in for a major and get it! Whether it be information technology, computer sciences, nursing, criminology...whatever. Do your homework and find out what you like that has a nice financial return in the job market. Do well at that community college. Get a GPA of at least 3.0 and most 4 year universities will probably take you (although, you'll only have to go for 2 years for your bachelors). If you think that you can't afford a university, I can tell you that if you have the grades and they think you can do it. They will find you the money. FAFSA, Pell grants, scholarships....anything to get you in the door (colleges and universities are hurting for students because of the state of the economy, people aren't going to school anymore).

 

So, in the end. You'll have a degree to get a great job, you can move out of grandma's and mom's to a place of your own. Because, you'll be able to afford that nice townehome in a great neighborhood with a nice new car. Your Ex is going t be attracted to a guy that has his head on straight, that has goals in life and achieves them and is self sufficient.

 

Time to work on you right now.

 

It's what I'm doing: working on me, despite the fact it feels like my intestines have been ripped from me and I've done nothing but cry lately when I have time to myself. I work through it and work on myself through it and work on my life; I only hope to God it really isn't too late.

[Chi townD]

Dude, if she wants to be gone, then there's nothing you can do about that. Yeah, it sucks and I feel ya. When we lose a relationship we mourn the loss no different as if we are mourning the loss of a loved one. It's going to take time.

 

So, you have to live your life for you and you alone. You need to continue to make these positive changes in your life,

[varunsure]

Dude, if she wants to be gone, then there's nothing you can do about that. Yeah, it sucks and I feel ya. When we lose a relationship we mourn the loss no different as if we are mourning the loss of a loved one. It's going to take time.

 

So, you have to live your life for you and you alone. You need to continue to make these positive changes in your life,

 

Apart of me wishes she had never told me things like she'd come back one day or that she loved me the other day - due to how it's made me feel about things, but it is what it is. I know I can't rewind the clock. I'm only venting because nothing has ever shaken me this deeply.