Did she cheat?

[comet315]

This will be a little long so brace yourselves...

 

A lot has happened during the last month, so I won't go into every detail but will give you the important highlights. I suspect (almost sure) that my wife has had (and possibly still having) an affair with a co-worker. It all started back in 2009.

 

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, 6 of which married. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

 

My wife has always been the type of person who is kind, very gentle and considerate, and at times a little shy. Her main hobby is reading - she reads mostly light novels (historical, fiction etc).

 

Back in 2009 (I only discovered this recently) it was the first time (that I know of) that she ordered two adult erotic literature books - anthologies of little stories with sexual content.

 

Last month I started suspecting that she might be cheating because I had noticed quite a few differences in her overall behaviour - she was almost becoming a different person:

· Increasingly "staying back" for work, occasionally going to the office very early in the morning (e.g. leaving the house at 6am, or once she left at 5:30 - her explanation is that they hold conference calls woth colleagues in Australia)

· New hair style

· Reading much more adult erotic literature in the last 6 months (she didn't read any to my knowledge between these two books in 2009 and the beginning of this year) - and I mean A LOT. Her kindle almost exclusively has these kind of books now 950 shades of grey and the like) - her explanation is she didn't tell me because she thought I would consider her "shallow"

· Very distant with me at home (we have generally been distant with very little sex after our daughter was born) but the last 6 months our conversations were limited to "what are we having for dinner or who will take out the garbage".

· Little intimacy (we used to cuddle up in the sofa watching a movie, but the last 6 months she would sit reading her kindle, then would go to bed at 10am by herself "becaus eshe is tired", then I would pop up after a movie had finished and she would be awake in bed reading her kindle

· Looking after her appearance more when at work: careful combinations of garments that match (she never made this effort before), wearing jewellery at work like bracelets, necklaces etc - she never did so in the 13 years I've known her

· Had a few nights out "with friends" staying too late for her standards.

· Her phone would be in silent while at home

· When away, she would not answer my calls or texts, but would come back to me half hour or an hour later, sayng "she didn;t hear it ringing or she missed the text and only saw it now"

Anyway, these may well be enough reasons to start suspecting, but there is much more.

 

 

After I confronted her with my suspicions, she completely denied everything. I asked her if there is anything happening at work outside a typical professional relationship and her answer was strictly and categorically no (first lie).

 

 

I then asked her to go through her work emails - we have always shared all our passwords to everything, emails, facebook, the whole lot. She agreed so we sat and had a look together through her work email account.

 

 

What I found simply shook me to the core.

 

 

Since 2009 she had been exchanging emails with a guy from the office (in a different office location, but both have been visiting each others' offices for business). This year, the contact with him drifted a little bit, after in one of the emails he tells her he is getting engaged. Since then, she also tried to initiate contact with two more guys by sparingly throwing teasing and bantering into work related email exchanges with them. One of them didn't respond to this, she tried a few times and gave up - the other did respond and they started bantering via email.

 

 

 

These emails are the strongest indicators to me that she was (and possibly still is) cheating. I want to put some of them down so you can read them yourselves and given all the info I shared with you to honestly tell me if she has been cheating or not. You might read the first line and go "an this is blooody obvious" but understand that my mind is so fogged up I don;t know wht to believe. This is why I need as many opinions as possible and why I decided to register here and post.

 

 

Her explanation for all this is that I wasn't paying her enough attention and that it was simply innocent flilrting at work in order to feel appreciated and have a little fun, that nothing more was there, either emotionally or physically. In the last month I have gone through enourmous emotional ups and downs and I always talk to her about how I feel at any givn time, which understandably has confused her. But I haven't had a decent explanation or description about how SHE FEELS, her talk to me is only about facts and she alwaysgives short, incomplete, defensive answers that I am expected to take for granted, seems she is trying to hide how she is really feeling about all this and about me.

 

 

There have been LOTS of emails during these 4 years but I will only give you some highlights. She works in HR and supports this guy from an HR perspective. HR by nature involves confidentiality and need for privacy at times but the conclusions are yours. Here are the emails (in chronological order):

 

 

H: Her (wife)

C: other guy

All other names are initialled

 

June 2009

H: Hi S, Please could you take a look at the attached requisition form as soon as possible? The Administrator on the Sofa team has resigned and we need to move quickly to recruit a replacement. Many thanks

C: MWAH xxx

H: ha ha ha ha - I dare you to say that in person next time I'm in the office

 

Sept 2009

(H gets an email from another colleague and forwards it to my wife for her HR opinion)

C: what is the correct response to this?

H: My response would be no - you wouldn't get funding for another full-time employee.

C: Cheers honey. I thought as much. Cx

 

October 2009

H: Hi, I’ve chased this up with AM today – doing my best to get it signed off soon!

C: thanks sweetie your efforts are noted and will not go unrewarded!

H: He he!

 

December 2009

H: Hi C, Please could you send me a req form if you’re planning to renew K’s contract?

C: a ho-ho-ho to you Mrs L. SJA or PJK signed this off yet? Santa

H: Simon says yes, just waiting for GRD now…

 

A few hours later she sends:

H: Dear Santa. I’ve been very good this year…On another note, G has signed off K’s extension, so I’ll get the letter sent out over the next few days.

 

Then my wife got pregnant with our child in April 2010.

March 2010:

H: Boa tarde, Mr S. Good news - got sign off for Katie's 3 month FTC. I'll ask W to send the letter next week.

C: many thanks Mrs L. buon pomeriggio. Mr S ps - originally I put Mrs S instead of Mrs L - Freudian Slip I guess lol

H: Ahhh, how sweet!

C: I do not know how to respond to that, so I simply will keep my thoughts to myself! :-)

H: Best to, methinks!

C: indeed

H: By the way, did you make that word up?

C: which one?

H: pomerwhatsit

C: italiano my dear. Baci x

H: Aha! Thought we were speaking Portuguese, my bad.

C: I should be but not learnt any yet. having an Italian ex-girlfriend helps with words like 'baci' as I used to type them often - not anymore! :-(

H: I can almost hear the violins!

 

March 2010

H: Hi, N’s extension has been signed off, so I’ll do the paperwork today.

C: superb. thanks. she will be happy

H: Good, we like happy people

C: AS DO I :-)

H: Ouch – that was loud! Go and do some work

 

April 2010

(other colleague to C, copying in my wife): Please review asap.Ta

H to C: Might I add that I didn't write these, before you jump to any conclusions…

C: good god! you owe myself and D (her female colleague) one for this!!! D should be emailing you now with a PDF

H: Thanks C, I owe you both big time! Down the pub on me next time I'm around.

 

Her to Him and her colleague D: Hi guys. Are you both around tomorrow? I need to you read through an email we're about to sent out to line managers on appraisals to tell me whether it makes sense…Ta

C replying only to her: I will be in the office in under 30 mins What / where is the doc?

H: Any why are you not if the office now? I thought you were always in by 7am, ha ha

 

May 2010:

H: Hi, Want to give me a call whenever's convenient from somewhere away from radar ears? Thanks

May 2010:

H: (about a work document) Well done, glad you spotted the deliberate mistakes…. ( P.S. Only telling you and D this for now as you're my mates, but I have baby brain - am pregnant and sicky and unable to complete the simplest of tasks correctly!

May 2010:

C to H and D and W : Mrs L / Miss J and W. R has today handed in her notice, having secured a full time permanent role at a firm in Derby (which is closer to her home in Leicester)…blab la bla…

H to C: You are so organised - I love it!

C: I do try. one bonus is that I have one less appraisal to do now - yippee!!!! Cx

H: he he

 

June 2010

H: Hi, Just had a call from P's agency - she's stuck in traffic and hopes to make it to the office by 11.15 (15 mins late).

C: Yippee. Time for a smoke then!

H: Nooo - bad for you, give up!

 

June 2010:

C: Just a factual comment, do not read anything into this - I'm just proving that I've considered your emails so far Mrs L. all of the 6 CV's so far have candidates who have an "Excellent command of spoken and written Punjabi, basic Hindi and Urdu"

H: Really, even the Smith and Manchester one? no, he's Bengali and Hindi. Chad must be doing a cut and paste…

C: I told you! - I double checked him coz his first name was M but then he too has other asian language skills!

H: You mean you don't speak any of them yourself? Call yourself a Brummie?

C: my passport says 'Solihull' dear, not Birmingham lol

H: ooooh!

 

June 2010:

H to C and D: Hi both. Your 2.45 has just cancelled because she's been offered a job elsewhere.

C to both: yippee!

H to C only: bit bored, are we?

C: Nope. They've all been pretty good and it is going to be difficult to choose between them

The less the better :-)

H: Thank goodness you're not doing an Adam - interview loads and can never find anyone

 

June 2010:

C to H and two other colleagues: I have verbally called this successful candidate, blab la bla is it ok to get something out this pm (that I can be 'cc' on too for confirmation)?

H replies to all: Hi C, Thanks for letting me know. I'll get a contract and offer letter out to him via email this afternoon!

C only to H: ta sweetie x

H to C: All done! Going for my acupuncture appointment now, so not here for the rest of the afternoon…

 

July 2010:

C to H and other colleague: Can it formally noted in M's personnel file that her working hours have been agreed by me to be changed blab la bla Any issues, let me know. C

H to C: No prob

C to H: You in today? Call me on mobile pls if you are x

H: Just tried, not connecting!

 

July 2010 (while he is on holiday, emailing her from the beach):

H: Hi C, Looking at the system, S has has three occasions of one day spread from Jan to now, reasons look unrelated. Let me know if you think a meeting is necessary. Cheers

C: Nope. I had a chat with her this week. Also, she's now pregnant and EDD Jan 2011. I really need her for the next 6 months so will be asking for extension to contract - as I've lost 5 people in last couple months. Speak when I'm back. C

H: Now, I know I'm very nosy, but you have to be if you're in HR… I though S was getting divorced?

C: So did I lol. I think it's something to do with his family (mother especially) rather than him

They've (Sat and her husband) obviously been seeing each other whilst she's been living at a mate's in Coventry. Need to discuss maternity issues, FTC, etc when I'm back as by Xmas she'll have been here 18+ months and may have rights (I've no idea - it's on you to do some prep and find out now lol). Going for a dip in sea - back in a bit x

H: Interesting. No worries - I know how the FTC/maternity thing works - basically she will be entitled to mat leave so she'll get SMP only. We can talk about it when you get back. Have a nice swim!

 

August 2010:

C: has M left or is M leaving? I don't find out as much now I'm on 16th floor. Cx

H: M has resigned. Your powers of deduction are failing you, as M always did afternoons. I'll put the temporary lapse down to overwork. ;O) You around on Thurs?

C: ah, yes - didn't read it properly! I am in the office on Thursday and don't think I have anything specific but I don't mind a usual 20 minute ramble if you have time. Cx

H: I'll come up and find you if I can fit you in between all the usual whinging sessions people have booked me for!

C: no privacy up here - we can go for a coffee somewhere perhaps. are you showing yet?

H: Yes. Embarrassed to be seen with me? he he

C: not embarrassed, though I can probably pretend to be the proud father lol. more embarrassing for you I'd say :-) hehehehehe!

H: Will set a few tongues wagging!

 

September 2010:

H: Hi C. S has had 1.5 days in April, 1 day in June and one day in September, for different reasons. Do you want to arrange a meeting, or wait and see whether she goes off again? Thanks

C: I can wait and see! thanks

H: OK, no prob (coward)

C: you are a very intuitive woman Mrs L (if not a little top heavy right now lol)

H: No kidding - I lost my balance trying to sit down this morning. Things aren't looking good!

C: weeble lol

H: you're so funny…

 

 

October 2010

C: I'm printing them all off and will review over the weekend. if there's anymore, please send after you've finished interviewing this pm. Hope you're ok Mrs L. Mr S

H: Hi Just one more – WT. You're in for a thrilling time this weekend, then. Glass or two of wine might help! I'm wobbling but not falling down )

 

October 2010:

H to C about a work matter: Yes, signed it off yesterday and I sent it to GRD via A. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.

C: ta love (said in a brummie accent) x

H: Cannot imagine you with a brummie accent

C: are you taking the p*ss? I do have one, though it is slightly muted owing to my 'telephone voice'

H: Your native accent is about as apparent as mine - probably only makes an appearance after a few drinks! Bore da (means good day in Welsh)

 

October 2010:

C to H: Mrs L. I've put an extra sentence at the bottom of the form. Can this be put before S and GRD and SJA and PJK ASAP pls. Mr S x

H: Ok, I will release the carrier pigeon forthwith.

Then straight after sending it, she wrote another one but she did not send it, it was only found in drafts:

(or waddle down the corridor lol) thanks sweetie x

 

November 2010:

C to H about work related, then she replies: Hi C, I'd prefer it if was one day unpaid leave - we have lots of these kind of requests at this time of year and the response is the same. Shall I put the day on the system (5th?) Thanks

C: perfect. I will let her know she can have it unpaid. Can you do the necessary on the system and confirm when done. Thnx sweetie. C

H: Done! Glad someone is being nice to me today, in HR on my own most of this week and feeling like a punchbag, sob! ;O)

C: you deserve being nice to :-) checked the system and you're perfect Mrs L. Cx

H: Awww )

 

November 2010

He receives an email from a colleague asking him to call my wife:

C: in a VC with MC. what you after Mrs L?

H: Not urgent - I've just spoken to S and wanted to update you. She's in a bit of a state. Call me later?

 

Nov 2010 – message sent from wife to a few colleagues (including him) to say goodbye as she was leaving for maternity leave (our daughter was born in December)

Him replying only to her: have a great maternity leave and keep in touch on your blackberry and lets see some piccies of your beautiful baby. also - one last job for you - can I have a few CV's through for SKR's replacement that's been signed off and I'll liaise with Cs about who I want to interview in the next week or so. Chris x

H: Hi C, Thanks - my blackberry has been re-homed to CH but I'll find another way of keeping in touch! I'll let C know you'll liaise with him about the other role. Take care and I'll catch up with you soon… xx

H: you too. thanks for your help. xx

 

In 2011 there were no emails as she took a year off from the office

January 2012, when she has returned to the office:

H: Hello Mr S. Just realised I've been back for two weeks and haven't said hello yet! Didya miss me? How's life without an enormous team to manage? I don't expect our paths will cross so often now, but if I make it over to the Bham office I'll come and have a chat … Mrs L

H: no way! I didn't even know you were back! OMG - it's take you two weeks to contact me - gutted! Lol. you better come to B'ham and see me - I have missed you you know. what's been happening since you were swanning off with a child, you may ask. well, my team is disbanded and the SMT made it so :-(. He left and came back (she's assisting RCL on Chartbridge and me on sofas a little). I got engaged and bought a house with my fiancée. See what happens when you go swanning off, the whole world goes topsy-turvy lol. where have they slotted you back in then? who are your HR responsible persons now? is C still covering Bham? X

H: Wow - how dare you let so much happen without telling me about it! Tsk tsk. Congratulations on the engagement and the house buying! Who is the lucky lady and where did you find her? Of course, if you don't want to email about this, you will just have to go to a meeting room and call me… I've been keeping my return as quiet as possible to avoid people asking me to do things. I've still got my regional offices, but with support from C and L because M has turned me into the queen of HR projects. You will now have to refer to me as Your Maj. I'm working 4 days a week and one of them is from home. The other day I get to spend playing and getting messy with our daughter, who is a cheeky little monkey and I miss her so badly now she's started nursery.

C: Well Ma'am. Your daughter has a lovely meditteranean name :-) I can let you into a secret - if I have a boy he will be called Xavier - no word of a lie - the 'wife to be' has been informed of this and that there will be no backing down on my part - she will be allowed to name any girl we have lol. it's LS (the name of his fiancé) - you may recognise the name - it is to be expected when you spend more than half of your awake life devoting it to working here, that you'll meet someone at work! (again, lol). and if you will leave the office f or years on end, you will miss things!!! Lol

H: I remember L (his fiancé) - computer says she's left. Couldn't handle working and living with you? Lol Xavier is a fab name, and not too many of them around! Names are always a contentious issue. Mr L (me) vetoed some of my choices on the most bizarre grounds. Have you guys set a wedding date yet? I should leave you to do some work now, perhaps… xx

C: something like that! - no, in reality she was on a FTC investigating the 'denied' sofa claims and SMT decided we no longer needed her after 12 months and so she left and is now working at Ks. Xavier is superb and I HAVE to enforce it (if we ever have a boy). no wedding date yet - we got engaged to make the 'buying the house' episode more real for our parents, so that we were not living in sin (as much) - here folks are quite traditional and the engagement made it all the more real for them. wedding likely to be in 2013 or 2014 in malaysia (it'll save us about £20k doing it this way - 5 star wedding for about a fifth of the price!). back to my work then and speak soon x

June 2012, wife sends email with a pic of our daughter to her colleagues, including him: Hi guys, I've attached a holiday pic of S - thought you might like to see how she's turning out! Claire xx

 

Him replying only to her: delightful! are we going to have more contact with you as CH leaving or are you staying well clear of us northerners lol?

H: Still giving you a wide berth, ha ha! You're getting a new HR contact called A in a couple of weeks - I'm sure she'll be lovely but not as nice as me, of course... (can you see my fishing line?)

C: well, we'll have to wait and see on A if she's any good, you might find yourself relegated Mrs L lol next time I'm down in London I will definitely try and find you I'll even let you treat me to a coffee (unless A offers first lol) hehehehehehehehehehehe :-)

H: Grrrrrrr!

 

July 2012, him emailing her re work:

hi there. are you able to upload my appraisals to my record, using your super-douper HR credentials? RCL doesn't appear to have done either. Both attached . Thanks

H: It will indeed, and I'll do it for you tomorrow morning. Then I can take you off that particular naughty list. Mrs L

C: you are a wonderful person. thank you very much indeed Mrs L. I can't wait to be off the naughty list :-)

H: I've put your 2012 one on, so you're off the naughty list for this year, but I haven't been able to upload 2011's - computer said no - so you'll just have to keep that one saved somewhere (I've put it in the completed folder on the HR drive).

 

12th July 2012

C: Mrs L. I am making a visit to London office on Thursday 26th July. Are you going to be around? I won't have time for a bottle of vino, but maybe a quick hello. I see on the system that A has started - I'll have to meet her to if she's around. Speak soon. Mr S

H: Mr S Yay! Yes, I'll be around. Disappointed about lack of vino though. I'll let A know and then we can gang up on you and grill you for all the goss…Mrs L

C: cool. I have a meeting from 11.30 to around 1pm. we could meet up from 11 to 11.30 or from 1 to 1.30, before I have to rush back to Brum. See you and A then :-) x

H: Shall we do 11-11.30? I'll send you an invitation. S was saying she's not sure if you're mine or A's ;O) Are you still in PI or more in F’s department?

C: I am GL now, part of the Group, working under RCL with MCS. I don't come under the PI umbrella any longer. Does that mean I'm yours lol?

H: It does indeed - there is no escape! I'll ask W to change your system record. See you on 26th xx

 

On 26 July 2013:

C: On 5th floor but meeting started early so catch you in a bit Mrs L Mr S

H: OK no probs, around until 4pm

September 2012:

C: Mrs L. Not sure if this is a HR or Marketing thingy My email signature says "PI" I am actually in "GL Department" Can you amend or forward to someone who can pls. Thanks Mr S.

H: Marketing/IT, Mr S. Your wish is my command (within reason…) Mrs L

C: cheers my dear. did you forward or shall i?

H: Already done, just forgot to copy you in!

 

December 2012

C: Mrs L. Please see email below and attached PDF. (blab la irrelevant)…Please let me know the best way to go about it. Mr S. ps - hope you are well and looking forward to the festive period :-)

H, copying colleague W: Hi Mr S Wwill sort this for you (including logging it on lovely system - it's something we have to do rather than you) and hand it over to Finance for payment. We have lots of others that need paying by 31st December, so don't worry. My flat is full of unfestive boxes because we're moving house next week. I have decorated my computer screen at work with snowflake fairy lights to make up for it (battery operated, so no fire risk). Mrs L

W replying: Hi C, Just confirming I passed the form onto Finance earlier today for you so they should be arranging payment in the next few days. Kind regards, W

Him replying to both: You are a LEGEND Wendy!Thanks both for sorting so quickly.

H replying only to him: Your wish is our command (within reason…) ;o)

C: lucky you put that parenthesised caveat in lol!

H: Swallowed a lexicological reference guide, Mr S? You will not impress me with your big words.

 

 

So what do you all think?

[MrRightNow]

Well...the behavior that you mentioned in the beginning of the post seems somewhat suspicious, but I didn't see any evidence of cheating in the emails. Don't make any rash decisions at this point.

[NotCamelot]

Well...the behavior that you mentioned in the beginning of the post seems somewhat suspicious, but I didn't see any evidence of cheating in the emails. Don't make any rash decisions at this point.

 

 

I agree completely.

[karnak]

I don't think the e-mails demonstrate any obvious sign of cheating whatsoever. Yet I don't think they're written by a "shy" person, such as the description you gave of your wife. She seems less introspect than you say.

 

The erotic novels aren't a sign of anything special. She's probably just assuming a sexual side that you had never seen before. But that isn't necessary a sign of anything related to infidelity.

I've always been a very horny guy and I love anything erotic (photography, films, comics, etc). Yet, despite the opportunities I never cheated on any of my girls.

 

Now, the lack of physical intimacy(cuddling, etc) is a huge red flag. The fact that she's started wearing jewelry and other stuff to work is also weird.

 

I can only see 2 options here:

 

a) She isn't involved in any kind of affair.

 

b) If she's having an affair it isn't with the e-mail guy. It's another person that you have no idea about.

 

 

Yet, my honest opinion is that she's not in an affair. But she's looking for an affair partner.

 

Keep cool. Don't be paranoid. But, at the same time, be sharp and cautious. If you can't find any sort of concrete evidence until the year's end, then you can rest your mind.

[BrokenPrincess]

Sounded like just light flirting to me. Based on the other things you're seeing though, I wonder if she's having an A with someone else.

[comet315]

Thanks both. I mean this was going on for almost 4 years...Surely they would have plenty of time to take it further than this? I know there's no evidence but that's what's killing me at the moment. How can you justify this type of talk as innocent and friendly without anything else behind it? xxxs, terms of endearment openly and mutually used, hidden meanings like "does this mean I'm yours lol, your efforts will be rewarded, no privacy up here can we go for a coffee somewhere, are you afraid of being seen with me, we haven't been living in sin (not much) etc, and after a while they look to me like they are a proper couple who have even got used to eachother....am I being paranoid here?

 

She also admited that they have only been out for a drink just once after work during these 4 years, but it only happened once. I get a strong sense she is trickle-truthing me and only giving me the minimum she can afford/can't avoid (in fact I had to question her too many times for her to admit all this happened, she was giving me only one bit of information at a time)...

[comet315]

Thanks Karnak, this makes sense. I fear that now I have shown my suspicion she will be extremely careul and low profile from now on...

[Realist3]

I see absolutely nothing in what you posted that would lead me to think she was having an affair. I wouldn't even say that was light flirting.

[Bryanp]

If you truly feel that your wife has been cheating on you since 2009 and you have a 3 year old girl then you should think of getting a paternity test.

[Steadfast]

Not to sound overly simplistic, but you could save a lot of time and energy by cutting to the chase, showing her what you've collected and explaining what concerns you. Basically, all of the things you wrote into this post.

 

Warn her about the danger of continued lying. You already know she's capable of it. This will be a challenge, as your wife is obviously witty and intelligent. The consistent sexual undertones in these messages are undeniable and you have very good reason to be suspicious. The other aspects you mentioned (late nights, early mornings, meeting with friends and the damn phone) all add up, but pale in comparison to her avoidance, distance, and the fact that she's 'changing' and you're not involved.

 

At best, she's mishandling your relationship. She needs to know if change doesn't occur, those same actions will destroy it. Her reaction is critical.

 

Rip the top off of this and see what's inside. The sooner, the better for you.

[Realist3]

What sexual undertones? I saw nothing of a sexual nature at all.

[karnak]

The other aspects you mentioned (late nights, early mornings, meeting with friends and the damn phone) all add up, but pale in comparison to her avoidance, distance, and the fact that she's 'changing' and you're not involved.

 

 

These are the biggest red flags here.

Yet, if he confronts her directly (and he has already sort of done so) isn't there the danger that she'll just go into a bigger "stealth mode"?

[karnak]

This coldness that she has been displaying generally means the wife is done with the marriage and it's only a matter of time before she cheats or walks out on you even if she hasn't cheated yet.

 

 

Seen it happen quite a lot in the years I've been reading LS.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I suspect (almost sure) that my wife has had (and possibly still having) an affair with a co-worker. It all started back in 2009. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, 6 of which married. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

 

 

Last month I started suspecting that she might be cheating because I had noticed quite a few differences in her overall behaviour - she was almost becoming a different person:

· Increasingly "staying back" for work, occasionally going to the office very early in the morning (e.g. leaving the house at 6am, or once she left at 5:30 - her explanation is that they hold conference calls woth colleagues in Australia)

· New hair style

· Reading much more adult erotic literature in the last 6 months (she didn't read any to my knowledge between these two books in 2009 and the beginning of this year) - and I mean A LOT. Her kindle almost exclusively has these kind of books now 950 shades of grey and the like) - her explanation is she didn't tell me because she thought I would consider her "shallow"

· Very distant with me at home (we have generally been distant with very little sex after our daughter was born) but the last 6 months our conversations were limited to "what are we having for dinner or who will take out the garbage".

· Little intimacy (we used to cuddle up in the sofa watching a movie, but the last 6 months she would sit reading her kindle, then would go to bed at 10am by herself "becaus eshe is tired", then I would pop up after a movie had finished and she would be awake in bed reading her kindle

· Looking after her appearance more when at work: careful combinations of garments that match (she never made this effort before), wearing jewellery at work like bracelets, necklaces etc - she never did so in the 13 years I've known her

· Had a few nights out "with friends" staying too late for her standards.

· Her phone would be in silent while at home

· When away, she would not answer my calls or texts, but would come back to me half hour or an hour later, sayng "she didn;t hear it ringing or she missed the text and only saw it now"

Anyway, these may well be enough reasons to start suspecting, but there is much more.

 

I then asked her to go through her work emails - we have always shared all our passwords to everything, emails, facebook, the whole lot. She agreed so we sat and had a look together through her work email account.

 

Her explanation for all this is that I wasn't paying her enough attention and that it was simply innocent flilrting at work in order to feel appreciated and have a little fun, that nothing more was there, either emotionally or physically. In the last month I have gone through enourmous emotional ups and downs and I always talk to her about how I feel at any givn time, which understandably has confused her. But I haven't had a decent explanation or description about how SHE FEELS, her talk to me is only about facts and she alwaysgives short, incomplete, defensive answers that I am expected to take for granted, seems she is trying to hide how she is really feeling about all this and about me.

 

Your wife probably is not cheating. The emails had nothing, really. Based on the emails, I would guess that there is NOT any affair going on. In four years worth of emails, you would have found something more incriminating. She tells guys to call her from a private office so that others can't listen in on their conversation - to me this is one of the most exculpatory things in the emails. It is common to talk in private for some work matters and even for gossip. If it was an affair, you would see things like "call me on my cell" or "text me later." It's also possible that she could have deleted any incriminating emails. If it was an affair, however, the contact would not be limited just to working hours.

 

There is some cause for concern, however. The phone on silent is a very bad sign and that alone deserves some investigation.

 

The fact that she's reading a ton of "soft porn" and not all hot-and-bothered to get some sex, in my opinion, is a bad sign.

 

Some of the behavior changes - the getting dressed up, the going out more often, the change in hair style - these are things that can happen over time and are not necessarily indicative of an affair.

 

Take a look at her phone bill and see if she is calling or texting someone else an inordinate amount.

 

Is her phone like another appendage, does she take it everywhere with her and never let it out of her sight? Any excessive texting that you can see?

 

She sure is ripe for cheating, but you don't have enough to call her out on it and in my opinion she probably is not. Consider putting a voice-activated recorder in her car for a couple of weeks. If she is cheating, it should turn up there. Either that, or you will overhear a conversation with a confidante and will find out what's going on in your wife's head.

 

For the moment, lay off the accusations. Apologize for your behavior and drop it. Lay low until after you have investigated the phone bill and maybe used the VAR.

 

In the meantime, try to work on your marriage. Talk to your wife openly about how you are not spending enough quality time together and want to spend more time with her; how you want to improve your marriage.

[karnak]

 

In the meantime, try to work on your marriage. Talk to your wife openly about how you are not spending enough quality time together and want to spend more time with her; how you want to improve your marriage.

 

If she's having an affair or if she's checked out of the marriage (which seems what she's about do do) she won't be interested in spending more quality time or improving their communication skills.

 

Usually, when women reach this stage of drifting away from their spouses it's because they feel trapped and want to bail out. Kind of what happens when we start hating our jobs and decide it's time to find a new one.

 

The story of her leaving the house at 6am it's terribly suspect. Could she be having "quickies"?

 

And, most important of all, it seems comet315 is having a gut feeling. We can never underestimate gut feelings.

[comet315]

Thanks to all who have replied so far.

 

As I said, A LOT has happened in the last month, probably stuff that is actually important so will try here to skim it down and pass it on as shortly as possible.

 

The emails - it took me many, many reads to find what I think are clues and I found that reading them through swiftly means you tend to miss a lot of important information about the style, tone, context, words used etc. I'm not expecting anyone to sit and re-read them all the time to understand better however, and I appreciate everyone who made an effort to read such a long post in the first place.

 

So, some more of what has happened:

 

The first "confrontation" took place at our home, during that weekend some 4 weeks ago. I was literally "boiling up" to the point and decided to do it there and then (first mistake), the unfortunate thing was that her mother and sister were also there who were visiting for the w/e...

 

After that, they left and we spent the coming couple of weeks with me trying desparately to get more info, first I asked to see her work email account and discovered the "recent" emails with the other guy (not the guy she's been emailing since 2009, but the other guy who she was bantering with for the last 4-5 months, he's also based in another office). When I found them, I confronted her again, she said it's "innocent banter ad just having fun".

 

I asked her then to send the guy an email tomorrow and copy me in, to tell him this is unprofessional and has to stop, she did this. I asked: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? She said no.

 

At some point we had a conversation (I was telling her if this is going to work you have to tell the whole truth about everything and try to rebuild that trust). At some point we talked and she laid out to me the following:

 

 

• She resented me because I was very distant and giving her the "silent treatment" when I had lapses of depression (has happened twice since 2007)
  
• She felt we hadn't been communicating properly in the marriage - which is also true - and blamed both sides for this
  
• She said she had felt neglected by me
  
• While together (not married at the time), we had to spent some time apart in differenc countries (I had to go to the army in my native country), and she admitted that she had gone out 5-6 times for a drink (1-2-1) and twice to the gym with a guy who worked at her mum's workplace and sort of "fancied" her, but nothing ever happened and that she cut all contact when she realised he was after her
  
• Talked about what she liked/not liked in me and during sex
  
• Said that she had been having this "non-professional" relationship at work with this other guy (this is when we went back to her work email and I discovered the emails since 2009 with the guy I originally posted)
  

When I discovered the emails, I was so gutted I got up and went to the car, got in and started driving to clear my head....She didn't know where I was going and she texted me something like "I know and I understand why you are leaving, I just wanted to say I love you even if it doesn't matter anymore etc"

 

 

Got back a couple of hours later and since then I have been questioning her about these emails. I have put a fair amount of pressure on her which really works the opposite way - she was closing up more and more

 

 

The other night (couple of weeks ago), I came back from work and I started questioning her again, she was again defensive and noti giving me anything while I was sure there was something more to tell. She started avoiding me in the house and I was following her trying to get answers. While she was going up the stairs, I spanked her in the bum to get her attention - which I regret doing and will regret it forever. It wasn't a strong hit, didn't leave a mark, but she did get scared. She called the police immediately, I got arrested, spent the night in a cell and was given a simple caution (police record, but not actual charges).

 

 

During that night, her mum came back to ours and when I got out I was coming home thinking "this is over, I will be kicked out of my own home now" and was prepared to face the music.

 

 

Despite that, my wife and her mum were kind of supportive in saying "your depression isn't allowing you to think properly, you need to go to the doctor, you're being paranoid etc".

 

 

Since then my wife has changed her work email password, her personal email password, her phone PIN number etc shutting down all information. We have talked since then and she has also revealed that I am "controling" in our relationship, and manipulative. I understand these accusations.

 

 

My last word has been that I want to make this work and I am prepared to go through whatever it takes to change and make her feel safe and rebuild our intimacy and trust both ways. She says she also wants to work on it. But the tables have turned, when I was the one accusing her, she is now the one accusing me and thinking about leaving. I have asked for one last chance, and she said she will give it to me but if I don't change, she is out of here.

 

 

After all this, she appears to be too kind to me too soon (I have terrible guilt for all that has happened), and I feel her whole family and friends have ganged up on me.

 

 

I am stuck in a position where:

 

 

1) I don't know if she has cheated (and probably never will)

2) I would give her another chance if she came out clean and admitted it (and I have told her this many many times),

 

3) her family despise me, but despite all this,

4) she is willing to give me another chance and is all "hippy-happy" with me (currently she is spending a whole week at her mums for us to "cool off" and next week she asked that we book a short holiday break, just the three of us.

5) I really feel that I have been cheated on AND the one to blame by everyone.

 

 

 

What the hell do I do?

[123Sassygirl]

I don't believe, based on those email exchanges, that your wife is having an affair.

 

You mention having a three year old child. Did your wife have post partum depression at all?? Even mildly???? I had a child in 2009 as well and had mild PPD and in an effort to get past it I would put in more effort around my appearance and it helped me to feel better about myself and my body. This does not mean she is having an affair...she could be doing it just to feel better about herself.

 

HOWEVER, that is not to say that she may not be disconnecting from the marriage as someone previously stated. It could be the beginning. A bigger sign of an affair would be if she has purchased new undergarments that you never get to see on her. I'm shocked that my H has seen me come home with new undergarments but has never questioned why I rarely wear them for him. In my opnion, rather than going through her email, you should be going through her underwear drawer.

[123Sassygirl]

Thanks to all who have replied so far.

 

As I said, A LOT has happened in the last month, probably stuff that is actually important so will try here to skim it down and pass it on as shortly as possible.

 

The emails - it took me many, many reads to find what I think are clues and I found that reading them through swiftly means you tend to miss a lot of important information about the style, tone, context, words used etc. I'm not expecting anyone to sit and re-read them all the time to understand better however, and I appreciate everyone who made an effort to read such a long post in the first place.

 

So, some more of what has happened:

 

The first "confrontation" took place at our home, during that weekend some 4 weeks ago. I was literally "boiling up" to the point and decided to do it there and then (first mistake), the unfortunate thing was that her mother and sister were also there who were visiting for the w/e...

 

After that, they left and we spent the coming couple of weeks with me trying desparately to get more info, first I asked to see her work email account and discovered the "recent" emails with the other guy (not the guy she's been emailing since 2009, but the other guy who she was bantering with for the last 4-5 months, he's also based in another office). When I found them, I confronted her again, she said it's "innocent banter ad just having fun".

 

I asked her then to send the guy an email tomorrow and copy me in, to tell him this is unprofessional and has to stop, she did this. I asked: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? She said no.

 

At some point we had a conversation (I was telling her if this is going to work you have to tell the whole truth about everything and try to rebuild that trust). At some point we talked and she laid out to me the following:

 

 

• She resented me because I was very distant and giving her the "silent treatment" when I had lapses of depression (has happened twice since 2007)
  
• She felt we hadn't been communicating properly in the marriage - which is also true - and blamed both sides for this
  
• She said she had felt neglected by me
  
• While together (not married at the time), we had to spent some time apart in differenc countries (I had to go to the army in my native country), and she admitted that she had gone out 5-6 times for a drink (1-2-1) and twice to the gym with a guy who worked at her mum's workplace and sort of "fancied" her, but nothing ever happened and that she cut all contact when she realised he was after her
  
• Talked about what she liked/not liked in me and during sex
  
• Said that she had been having this "non-professional" relationship at work with this other guy (this is when we went back to her work email and I discovered the emails since 2009 with the guy I originally posted)
  

When I discovered the emails, I was so gutted I got up and went to the car, got in and started driving to clear my head....She didn't know where I was going and she texted me something like "I know and I understand why you are leaving, I just wanted to say I love you even if it doesn't matter anymore etc"

 

 

Got back a couple of hours later and since then I have been questioning her about these emails. I have put a fair amount of pressure on her which really works the opposite way - she was closing up more and more

 

 

The other night (couple of weeks ago), I came back from work and I started questioning her again, she was again defensive and noti giving me anything while I was sure there was something more to tell. She started avoiding me in the house and I was following her trying to get answers. While she was going up the stairs, I spanked her in the bum to get her attention - which I regret doing and will regret it forever. It wasn't a strong hit, didn't leave a mark, but she did get scared. She called the police immediately, I got arrested, spent the night in a cell and was given a simple caution (police record, but not actual charges).

 

 

During that night, her mum came back to ours and when I got out I was coming home thinking "this is over, I will be kicked out of my own home now" and was prepared to face the music.

 

 

Despite that, my wife and her mum were kind of supportive in saying "your depression isn't allowing you to think properly, you need to go to the doctor, you're being paranoid etc".

 

 

Since then my wife has changed her work email password, her personal email password, her phone PIN number etc shutting down all information. We have talked since then and she has also revealed that I am "controling" in our relationship, and manipulative. I understand these accusations.

 

 

My last word has been that I want to make this work and I am prepared to go through whatever it takes to change and make her feel safe and rebuild our intimacy and trust both ways. She says she also wants to work on it. But the tables have turned, when I was the one accusing her, she is now the one accusing me and thinking about leaving. I have asked for one last chance, and she said she will give it to me but if I don't change, she is out of here.

 

 

After all this, she appears to be too kind to me too soon (I have terrible guilt for all that has happened), and I feel her whole family and friends have ganged up on me.

 

 

I am stuck in a position where:

 

 

1) I don't know if she has cheated (and probably never will)

2) I would give her another chance if she came out clean and admitted it (and I have told her this many many times),

 

3) her family despise me, but despite all this,

4) she is willing to give me another chance and is all "hippy-happy" with me (currently she is spending a whole week at her mums for us to "cool off" and next week she asked that we book a short holiday break, just the three of us.

5) I really feel that I have been cheated on AND the one to blame by everyone.

 

 

 

What the hell do I do?

 

Get counseling.

 

And when in an argument with another person, if they are feeling "done" in the argument and needing to take space....let them take the space. DO NOT follow the person around demanding that the conversation continue. This only escalates things. And I don't care how much you want another person's attention in an argument, DO NOT ever hit, strike, 'pat' or spank. Its totally not ok.

 

Honestly, I believe that if she were having an affair, and going through all this controlling behavior by you and the arguing etc, that she would have just confessed the affair by now. It sounds like you may have pushed her to the point of wanting out anyway...so I can't see her holding onto the denial that strongly.

[comet315]

@123Sassygirl

 

Yes you are right: she has bought a pair of sexy knickers and a matching bra. I have seen her wearing the bra all the time because she said it was the only one tha tfitted her properly, and the knickers, she has only ore once with me (i honestly haven't seen if she has been wearing them elsewhere) she says she finds them uncomfortable.

 

In the last month (and before I confronted her) the sex between us has been very frequent and kinky (spanking, dirt talks her telling me she likes it being submissive, when I handle her and toss her around etc). She never was like that. To me this was a welcome change (our sex has been "vanilla" due to us never talking with eachother about sex, and I always assumed she is the vanilla girl, which is partly why I had lost interest in sex generally), and she said that she learned these new tricks through the adult novels she's been reading.

 

Also, before I first confronted her, I saw her browing history on her phone and she had been searching some online sex shops for a "small powerful vibrator"

 

Any of that making sense?

[comet315]

Sassygirl, I understand my wrongdoings, I am alrady arranging counselling. There's not a minute that passes from now on where I don't regret what I've done. I guess what I am feeling is both shameful and betrayed at the same time.

[123Sassygirl]

@123Sassygirl

 

Yes you are right: she has bought a pair of sexy knickers and a matching bra. I have seen her wearing the bra all the time because she said it was the only one tha tfitted her properly, and the knickers, she has only ore once with me (i honestly haven't seen if she has been wearing them elsewhere) she says she finds them uncomfortable.

 

In the last month (and before I confronted her) the sex between us has been very frequent and kinky (spanking, dirt talks her telling me she likes it being submissive, when I handle her and toss her around etc). She never was like that. To me this was a welcome change (our sex has been "vanilla" due to us never talking with eachother about sex, and I always assumed she is the vanilla girl, which is partly why I had lost interest in sex generally), and she said that she learned these new tricks through the adult novels she's been reading.

 

Also, before I first confronted her, I saw her browing history on her phone and she had been searching some online sex shops for a "small powerful vibrator"

 

Any of that making sense?

 

Is she nearing her 40's by any chance???

 

I think this sexual awakening could also be related to just wanting to get out of being a mother and back to finding herself (ETA - not that she wants to stop being a mother and wife, more that she wants to stop seeing herself as "just" a mother and wife). whether she is finding herself with another man is still up in the air. And one pair of new knickers does not make me suspect she is cheating. Seriously, I have like 20 new pairs of panties and my husband has seen me in one pair once. She may just want to feel sexy again. Having a child changes your body and how you see yourself. I know I started losing myself in my role as a mother....years were spent being a mother, being a wife, I wanted to find myself again. My finding myself did lead to an affair....with an exboyfriend, BUT I don't think your wife is there yet, to be honest.

[comet315]

She's mid 30s. My best female friend told me also exactly what you are saying...

[findingnemo]

I don't think she is having an A. But if you keep up the pressure she may end up doing something like that out of frustration and bad judgement.

 

Haven't you heard about how 50 Shades was making women all over the world want to try put some kinky stuff? Oh yes, it was reported on CNN even. Coupled with the fact that she is in her 30s (some women get to sexual peak in their 30s into their 40s), this could explain why she is taking more care of her appearance. Obviously she is feeling sexy and this will lead to her wanting more sex. If you accuse her of an A and she isn't in one, it only makes her more distant.

 

How about you sex things up a bit? Since she has been open with you about what she sees as problems, why don't you concentrate on wooing your W and getting your sex life to another level? If indeed she is cheating or she cheated, relax. Time will tell. Things will reveal themselves.

 

I don't see what you have to worry about except perhaps her openness with other men in work related emails. It's not explicit but it does have sexual undertones, IMO. She seems to understand that you don't like it and I hope she has stopped.

 

Yes, you are suspicious but there is no evidence. For now, give your W the benefit of doubt and work on being the H she wants and needs.

[Realist3]

Yes, you are being paranoid. Get some counseling.

[Chi townD]

@123Sassygirl

 

Yes you are right: she has bought a pair of sexy knickers and a matching bra. I have seen her wearing the bra all the time because she said it was the only one tha tfitted her properly, and the knickers, she has only ore once with me (i honestly haven't seen if she has been wearing them elsewhere) she says she finds them uncomfortable.

 

In the last month (and before I confronted her) the sex between us has been very frequent and kinky (spanking, dirt talks her telling me she likes it being submissive, when I handle her and toss her around etc). She never was like that. To me this was a welcome change (our sex has been "vanilla" due to us never talking with eachother about sex, and I always assumed she is the vanilla girl, which is partly why I had lost interest in sex generally), and she said that she learned these new tricks through the adult novels she's been reading.

 

Also, before I first confronted her, I saw her browing history on her phone and she had been searching some online sex shops for a "small powerful vibrator"

 

Any of that making sense?

 

 

Yep! Very much so.

 

Dude, you wrote that she's in her 30s. Dude, she's smack dab in the middle of her sexual prime. So, she's up for trying new things and experimentation. She also probably read that "50 shades of Gray" book too! Which would explain her new desire to be submissive.