me, Idk where to turn.. I need , support, personal experiences.

[Lady117]

I need to vent.. Ok here it goes, I have been trying to go somewhere to get good advice or maybe here about other people's experiences to help. Everytime I talk to my very close friends or my family they say the same damn things and its not helpful. Please take the time to read this and help me the best you can. It is pretty long but Im going to be indepth.

 

Ok, it all started when I was 16. I met this guy, Brian. (I was still a virgin, I was raped at the age of 15 and after that I would have little flings with guys but never really trusted anyone fully and didnt have sex, I went through alot but I wont get into that. Bottom line I just never willingly had sex until this time)

From the moment I met him something caught my eye. I always thought "God, he is freakin adorable, like perfect for me. Ofcourse we were young then and still in high school but it was just an instant friendship. We both had a crush on eachother for a few months after being friends and everyone knew about it and kept making plans on how to get us together. All of our friends wanted us to be together, we would all be hanging out and they would randomly smile and leave only us alone. It was just like a corny movie or something.

 

Eventually, he stopped me after school and asked me to be his girlfriend, make it official. So I was ecstatic, I was so happy that we were together, it was perfect. We did everything together and I trusted him pretty quickly. It was different then being with any other guy thats for sure. We had such a strong connection, we eventually fell inlove (STILL DIDNT HAVE SEX! He was a virgin) We were like bestfriends and lovers in one. It was everything I dreamed of, its tearing me up just thinking about the good days..

 

But then one night when we were alone at his camp, watching movies, he made me dinner and we were making out listening to music. I just got this overwhelming feeling like, this was it, it was the perfect time and I was so ready, clearly, he was to lol! It was like a scene from a romantic movie, it couldnt have been more perfect (Sorry for the TMI haha) after we did all we could do was lay there and look in eachother eyes. I felt even more love than I thought I did before that night.

 

We continued dating and everything was continually perfect for a year and id say 4 months, then, suddenly, it went downhill... He became controlling and kindof psychotic. Like he would get so mad over the littlest things and he wouldnt let me hangout with my friends at all. He would question me all the time and be really mean. It started to hurt me, I felt sad all the time but I loved him so much, I refused to lose him.

 

This went on for another few months and around our 2 year mark, he broke my heart. I remember the day and where, and how everything. We were yelling at eachother after school and he started walking away and I told him to stop and grabbed his arm. He turned around, looked in my eyes and said "I cant do this anymore!" Out of shock I said "Do what?..." And he replied "Date anymore, I cant, its over." I was numb everywhere, instantly tears poured out and I started shaking. I felt literal pain in my heart. And he had tears in his eyes and walked away, I followed him down the road and kept begging him to stop, he just kept saying "Go home Britney please." And I couldnt stop my feet from following him, it was raining and it was freezing outside, I remember it clear as day, the worst pain I ever felt. When my feet finally stopped walking with no control, all I could do was look at the ground and cry, I felt sick, I didnt even know what I did and I didnt want it to end at all.

 

A few weeks later he texted me and we were talking again, we didnt get back together no matter how bad I wanted to but we talked. We would flirt inconspicuously and have sex from time to time, Id ask about our relationship and he said he could "see being with me in the future" ? Which shouldve been a warning right away. He told me he still loved me every single night and I had confience I was getting him back. Whats worse? This other girl was always wearing his hoody, he said they were just friends and she was cold. Being stupid and still madly inlove with him I believed it but I hated that bitch for getting anywhere near my Brian

 

One day THE NIGHT AFTER HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME, I wont go into much detail about this part but he ended up dating that girl. They were together. It was official. I almost puked I felt so sick and I felt that pain again. Anyways, I texted him that night and told him never to talk to me again. I said my goodbye and I was seriously ready to get over it. She texted me all night being a bitch and he texted me all night beggining me not to leave his life and not to be mad. He kept telling me he still loves me. I didnt respond. The last thing I said was "never talk to me again, you ruined everything goodbye".

 

Soon I started hearing rumors around school that he was only with her to make me jealous. What??? Why would he need to do that? I asked her, and she told me that he even told her he was trying to make me jealous but this sad little girl fell in love to. So I was still done, I was like whatever thats disgusting and low. He broke up with her and texted me again. I was a dumbass and said maybe we can be friends... What an idiot. seriously. So I went to college and he was finishing his last year in high school, people told me him and that girl were still having sex and stuff but I didnt wana hear about it, we were just supposed to be friends right? We ended up having sex multiple times, AGAIN over about a 5 month period and one weekend I went up and it was perfect again, just like the old days. I felt the love and he seemed like the guy I fell inlove with... We fought when I was there and he lied to me so much.. after the last time we had sex he never talked to me again! I was so hurt... He never messaged me again. He changed his number and deleted his facebook. EVERYTHING like he disappeared off the face of the earth. I see him now and again because Im home for the summer but he pretends Im invisable. I dont waste my time trying to say hi or anything. I have seen him and that girl hanging out..

 

I know I have to get over it. Seriously I do. But it scarred me for life I think. Not a day has went by when I havent thought about him. I used to cry every day because of it, I felt used, hurt, mad as hell, good for nothing, ugly, everything. My confidence went way down because I thought, maybe theres something wrong with me? I am a religious person, I am very kind to everyone I meet and Im not ugly. I have alot of great attributes to me. I have been talking to a new guy, he is really sweet, hes funny and REALLY cute! But I dont feel the way I did with Brian. I hate it so much. I just wana feel that way again.. I wouldnt say I want him back, but I do miss him STILL! Its been months! Come on I feel pathetic and everytime I talk to people close to me about it they all say the same thing, obviously it wasnt meant to be (they throw a compliment in there, insult him (the insults are true, he really is a bad guy clearly, hes selfish, an ******* and he thinks hes better than everyone else) He never used to be like this and I dont know what changed him but it sucks how it ended. I think thats my problem. I just need help accepting it but I really cant. It still hurts...

 

I need help Im sorry again that its so long but advice? Experiences? Anything.. please and thank you