Man-guy Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 So there's been something that's been bugging me since my whole ordeal began and I started coming on the forums. I too was accused of being "neglectful/not attentive/not romantic, w/e" but I've read enough post from people that both have been neglected and neglected their spouses that I thought I should ask, what constitutes REAL neglect in a marriage? I mean, yeah, plenty of people do focus on work for too long or too much and that can be a breaking point, overly focusing on family, financial distractions, the list can go on and on. What I'm trying to get at is how can you distinguish between real neglectful behavior and actions and how can you sniff out the other party just trying to do or say something to cause as much pain as possible or trying to justify their own behavior? I ask to see if I really did have several of these traits to improve on them or whether my stbxw was just gaslighting me. Thoughts?
jhehir84 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Life gets busy and you do your best to try and juggle everything. Sometimes we get caught up without realizing it and forget about those around us, it happens to the best of us and it does not mean you are a bad person/partner. I believe that neglect is when your partner tells you of their concerns and unhappiness with the situation and you refuse to acknowledge them or you make little of it. When you don't make the effort to change or show your partner that they're feelings are important to you and that your going to do everything possible to try and rectify the situation. That is when it is neglect............ 4
zoobadger Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 Life gets busy and you do your best to try and juggle everything. Sometimes we get caught up without realizing it and forget about those around us, it happens to the best of us and it does not mean you are a bad person/partner. I believe that neglect is when your partner tells you of their concerns and unhappiness with the situation and you refuse to acknowledge them or you make little of it. When you don't make the effort to change or show your partner that they're feelings are important to you and that your going to do everything possible to try and rectify the situation. That is when it is neglect............ Exactly. And when you raise these issues and your spouse turns it around and blames you for being too sensitive, or simply becomes angry because you're pressuring or bothering him/her, you're really doomed. Although when this happens, it's probably more accurately described as emotional abuse. 1
vla1120 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 For me personally, I had come to terms with not getting attention. I'm fiercely independent, so I wasn't bothered by that. It was specifically the lack of concern for a serious health issue I was facing. He said I should know he doesn't handle things like that very well. Poppycock. I certainly wasn't ready to handle it, but was forced to do so. I needed his support. So basically, if she is stressing or upset about something and her husband at least tries to understand and let her know he would like to share some of her burden, that would go a long way. She'll feel like her husband cares. I'll never understand a woman who criticizes her husband for working too many hours. He is supporting his family! Now, if you spend all of your off time with your friends, don't go on family vacations, etc., that constitutes neglect, to me. But then, I am accused of being a workaholic, so what would I know? All these years, I just thought I was providing for my family, keeping them covered with good medical care, etc.
Author Man-guy Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Hmm... well, in my situation, we both had real serious issues and dealt with them like pros. It wasn't until we were married for a while that things went south, and neglect became THE topic. This seemed odd considering our history, and I knew that my stbxw never would never have said things like that to me just a few months ago... She soon started accusing me, so I felt genuine guilt, but after she had left and talking to most of my friends and the few mutual friends that will still speak to me, it really eased my guilt knowing that they all thought it wasn't my fault she was acting this way... Still though, if someone you've cared about for years started accusing you of anything for months, you'd have to wonder if there was really any truth in it or not, and I thought it best to ask and see if my behavior fit the bill. Nobody's perfect, I cared and tried and pushed for the best at the time, so I don't feel guilt anymore. After all, people can work on fixing neglect just like anything else. Being accused of neglect really left me confused and panicked till we talked 2 weeks after she left, and saw that her responses and behavior seemed very... off from her normal self. Even more importantly now, if I really WAS neglectful, I'd like to make sure that it never happens to any future relationship I have. Well, life goes on, I'm sure if there were/are other reasons she felt like leaving, word will get around back to me Edited August 9, 2013 by Man-guy
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