Did WS love BS before the A?

[LBlanc]

I'm sure your wife did love you before, during and after the affair.

I'm an ow and my mm still loves his wife and we've been together for 7.5 years. To some you may think that how can he carry on the affair if he still loves her, quite simply he loves 2 woman.

 

heteromorphic multitudinal love and affection ?...

 

...don't know what it means ...but it sounds like a disease... :lmao: :lmao:

[Betterthanthis13]

Define love....

 

I will wait - I am sure we can all agree right ?

 

 

 

 

For me Love is not a feeling its an action - love is a verb, love is giving to one like you don't with others, love is sacrifice and putting the needs of another above you own, and the needs of other.

 

When my wife was with OM/MG sharing ......... discussing intimate things about me/us.her...this was the opposite of love (by my definition). She absolutely did not love me.

 

My wife she sees (or did) love as about feelings..and therefore has stated she could love more than one man at a time.

 

As a feeling, love is potentially infininte. You can feel love for your whole family. All your children. The whole world if you want.

 

You don't stop loving one child because you have another child. That makes total sense. You just have more love in your heart.

 

"To love" is a verb. It's an action. It requires doing things. What are those things? They are defined by the person who is doing the loving. The actions are defined by the relationship or marriage. For most people, sex is one of those actions. (PA)Sharing intimate moments is usually one of those actions.(EA)

 

"Lying" is another verb. Also not a feeling. Also required for cheating.

 

Affairs would not happen- cheating would not happen- if WS's (action verb) loved their spouse and not their AP. They can (feeling) love their AP all they want, as long as they don't act on it- there are no problems.

 

Sure, you can have "love feelings" for more than one person. There is no mystery to that. That's not some new fancy concept that WS's and AP's have discovered andBS's are too simple to understand. It's just delusional thinking about a very old concept- lying.

[compulsivedancer]

Why does your BH not want to divorce you. He thinks you never loved him. That is different form him always loving you.

 

That is exactly my question.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

That is exactly my question.

 

He is working through his feelings to see what sticks. He may be able to reconcile the dual love as you describe it and he may not.

[Betterthanthis13]

I also think people can attempt to (action verb) love more than one person, if there is honesty it is an open marriage and there is no problem. Except, of course, the inherent problems that come with an open marriage.

[Betterthanthis13]

That is exactly my question.

 

He doesn't want to divorce you because he loves you and is totally confused. Nothing makes sense to him. It's as if he woke up one day and the sky was purple and the grass was red. And it won't go away and nobody will explain it to him.

[janedoe67]

I was the WS, and yes, I did and do love my husband. I didn't like job losses, gaming addiction, lack of direction, and celibacy.....but I did and do love my husband. Having an affair was wrong. Period.

 

I can understand why some BS's need to think the WS never loved them....but it just isn't usually the case.

[Zenstudent]

I'll rephrase my question then, because IMO it's not enough to just say you love your spouse. The actions don't match the words. How do you, in your own mind, make betrayal a component of love?

 

I'm with OP's husband - and can't wrap it arond my mind either.

[BHsigh]

I'll rephrase my question then, because IMO it's not enough to just say you love your spouse. The actions don't match the words. How do you, in your own mind, make betrayal a component of love?

 

I'm with OP's husband - and can't wrap it arond my mind either.

 

I'll have to agree here, I won't go as far as saying that OP never loved her husband, she probably did before her A, but there's no way that she loved him during her A.

 

Love is an action as well as a felling, and by having an A, you are not fully investing in your actions of love. Not to mention the knowledge of what an A would do to your spouse, there's no way that you would be willing to put them through that if you really loved them.

 

Even the "It had nothing to do with you, it was all about me" excuse means nothing in light of that, the very fact that you could put your BS out of your thoughts long enough and far enough to be able to have an A in the first place speaks volume's about your sense of "love".

 

Be honest with yourself and maybe then the BS can start to trust you again, at least a little bit.

[BetrayedH]

Definitely just me being selfish. I was 100% cake eating. I wanted my loving husband along with the thrill of a new boyfriend.

 

And that's what your H needs to eventually accept, that your A was not as much of a rejection of HIM but a reflection of something broken within YOU. As a BH, I internalized and personalized the affair far too much. It took me a while to really accept that her affair wasn't about me; it was about her. It wasn't that I wasn't enough. It was that no one would have been enough because my wife simply wanted "more." She wanted her married life AND she wanted to play single. She had an excessive need for external validation, and she had an overdeveloped sense of entitlement (thanks to her family), and she was conflict-avoidant. Those things have everything to do with her and it has little or nothing to do with loving me.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'll rephrase my question then, because IMO it's not enough to just say you love your spouse. The actions don't match the words. How do you, in your own mind, make betrayal a component of love?

 

I'm with OP's husband - and can't wrap it arond my mind either.

 

You cannot make betrayal a component of love. Love and betrayal conflict. For some reason WS do not want to say that and will say anything but that in an explanation until you are tired of talking about it. The question does not get answered. If you ask, is betrayal a component of love, "yes or no?" They will avoid the question. Or they will say, Not technically, but.... and explain in long sentences like a politician. Or "not everything makes sense" or "some things just are" or "not everything can be explained logically" or something about knowing in their heart, or having faith.

 

I understand your obsession and what your mind is doing to you. I can't be satisfied with those answers either, it would be easier in my opinion to learn a WS did NOT love the BS for awhile during the A and then realized they were wrong and began to love them again. It's infuriating to me to hear I was loved while I was being cheated on. It's like... worse for some reason.

 

However, I 100% believe the WS BELIEVES they loved the BS when they say they loved them during the A. They just think differently. Not wrong,not right, just different. They can't make me think differently. I can't make them think differently. I think I am pretty logical but since when do logic and love have anything to do with each other? Maybe being logical is what gives me the handicap and makes all this stuff so hard to understand.

[canuckprincess]

I'm curious. Would you say that betrayal is a loving action then? If not, how does betrayal fit within any definition of love?

 

Not that I doubt that she loved me... in her own mysterious way.

 

No I would say betrayal is a selfish act of a person who feels they can have what they want when they want. They have a false sense of entittlement. I know in my current situation my mm loves his wife and me, but the person he loves the most is himself. He doesn't love me enough to leave his marriage and he doesn't love his wife enough to stop the affair. So he sits back and until one of us get fed up and dump him he will do this forever. It's been going on for 7.5 years, bs only found out 2 years ago. So until one of us step up and say its over he will continue. Everyone believes I should walk away and trust me I've tried over and over again. I love him, he loves me and his wife. But like I said the person he loves the most is himself.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I also think people can attempt to (action verb) love more than one person, if there is honesty it is an open marriage and there is no problem. Except, of course, the inherent problems that come with an open marriage.

 

No I would say betrayal is a selfish act of a person who feels they can have what they want when they want. They have a false sense of entittlement. I know in my current situation my mm loves his wife and me, but the person he loves the most is himself. He doesn't love me enough to leave his marriage and he doesn't love his wife enough to stop the affair. So he sits back and until one of us get fed up and dump him he will do this forever. It's been going on for 7.5 years, bs only found out 2 years ago. So until one of us step up and say its over he will continue. Everyone believes I should walk away and trust me I've tried over and over again. I love him, he loves me and his wife. But like I said the person he loves the most is himself.

 

See I don't consider this love on his part. Maybe on yours maybe on his wife's but not his.

 

Love is a selfless act. Thinking of the other before you, caring about their well being. Love is not doing something that you know will hurt the other person.

 

Can you love more than one person? I supposed you can permit that to occur, but loving means that you don't indulge in your wants.

 

So when a WS says the love the BS, what is love exactly to them?

 

So when an OW/OM says that the WS loves their spouse, how do you reconcile the lying?

 

I mean no offense,I appreciate and admire you all are working on your feelings, but how is that kind of love different from the husband that beats the wife but claims to love them? Just because the injury is emotional?

[waterwoman]

Interesting question.

 

H has always said 'I never stopped loving you'. I have always heard that and been a bit confused as he also said he loved OW at the time too. And if love is an action not just a feeling then he did lots of loving things for me during the A (as well as all the sh*tty things he did) - he also did loving things for her. Anti-love and love? Confusing. Of course discovery of the affair was like a major implosion - love and anti-love meeting!! And we all know what happens when matter meets anti-matter.....

 

Basically he loved what he wanted more than anyone else and never expected to have to deal with the consequences. Idiot!

[Confused48]

My wife also keep telling me that she loved me before, during and after her 9 months PA. It may be so, apparantly there are different definitions of love, so I guess it depends. What I do know is, that it's definitely not the way I would like to be loved.

 

BS here.

 

I acknowledge that most, maybe all, WS think that the BS will never find out. And think that if the BS does not find out then there is no harm to the BS.

 

I believe the risk of getting caught is far higher than WS think, before they do get caught. And I know from here and personal experience that even when the A is still a secret there is great harm to the BS.

 

That being said, in the A fog, I can understand a WS thinking there is no harm to the BS and so having an A is not evidence of lack of love for the BS. I did also in fact feel love from my WS during the A. More now during recon but still, WS did love me during the A. I have no doubt.

[Confused48]

I'm curious. Would you say that betrayal is a loving action then? If not, how does betrayal fit within any definition of love?

 

Not that I doubt that she loved me... in her own mysterious way.

 

I would say that betrayal is obviously not a loving thing to do. However it does not define the person. The person can both betray their spouse and then do other loving things for their spouse at the same time.

[Confused48]

I'll have to agree here, I won't go as far as saying that OP never loved her husband, she probably did before her A, but there's no way that she loved him during her A.

 

Love is an action as well as a felling, and by having an A, you are not fully investing in your actions of love. Not to mention the knowledge of what an A would do to your spouse, there's no way that you would be willing to put them through that if you really loved them.

 

But they think they will never get caught.

 

Even the "It had nothing to do with you, it was all about me" excuse means nothing in light of that, the very fact that you could put your BS out of your thoughts long enough and far enough to be able to have an A in the first place speaks volume's about your sense of "love".

 

I guess since I was tempted to have an A myself, I'm more forgiving or more accepting of the sense of "love" that would permit this. I don't find it less real. In fact I don't think it is any different. People do awful things. If they regret them then they don't define that person.

 

Be honest with yourself and maybe then the BS can start to trust you again, at least a little bit.

 

I think this is to harsh.

[glindathgood]

I think mine loved me. I thought we were just fine. Then this happened. When I asked him why he did things regarding the affair he told me that he had been unhappy for a long time. But I didn't know he was. I think he just says that to feel better about ruining what should have been our golden years.

[Betterthanthis13]

See I don't consider this love on his part. Maybe on yours maybe on his wife's but not his.

 

Love is a selfless act. Thinking of the other before you, caring about their well being. Love is not doing something that you know will hurt the other person.

 

Can you love more than one person? I supposed you can permit that to occur, but loving means that you don't indulge in your wants.

 

So when a WS says the love the BS, what is love exactly to them?

 

So when an OW/OM says that the WS loves their spouse, how do you reconcile the lying?

 

I mean no offense,I appreciate and admire you all are working on your feelings, but how is that kind of love different from the husband that beats the wife but claims to love them? Just because the injury is emotional?

 

I've heard that question asked many times but never heard an answer to it, I think it's because it doesn't really fit

 

 

The husband that beats his wife and says he loves her is similar to the husband that consistently hatefully verbally abuses his wife and still says he loves her.

 

A spouse that lies about having sex and relationships outside the marriagand says they still love the BS is similar to a spouse that lies about ________ and still says they love their spouse

 

I can't think of an equivalent to fill in the blank but that's why I think the analogy isn't accurate

[123Sassygirl]

H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose?

 

Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R?

 

What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please).

 

I am the WS...with a MOM. I do love my husband though I don't know that it is the love that is necessary in a marriage to keep it going.....but I did/do love him and hope to work things out through IC to fix what ever is going on with me.

 

This is my first affair...went on for 10 mths and I am trying to end things with NC. I have no intention of having another affair and I feel very strongly about that although I am very susceptible to my MOM....and fear that I will go back with him and continue our A.

 

I am not MOM's first affair...he has cheated before me and will cheat after me....he is a serial cheater though I do believe he loves his BS. He loves their life together but he is not sexually attracted to her. He loves her in every other way.

 

I do believe it is possible to love someone.....love their qualities and all those special things that make them who they are...but not have sexual desire for them. That is where it is at with myself and my MOM....we have spouses whom we do not enjoy the intimacy with and we fill that void with each other. Not terribly loving towards our spouses though and I could see why they would doubt out love for them, though it is there.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I've heard that question asked many times but never heard an answer to it, I think it's because it doesn't really fit

 

 

The husband that beats his wife and says he loves her is similar to the husband that consistently hatefully verbally abuses his wife and still says he loves her.

 

A spouse that lies about having sex and relationships outside the marriagand says they still love the BS is similar to a spouse that lies about ________ and still says they love their spouse

 

I can't think of an equivalent to fill in the blank but that's why I think the analogy isn't accurate

 

Well maybe just maybe the difference is that to a non straying spouse it is the same, because affairs are incredibly painful and destructive. So the BS sees it as equivalent to physical abuse. It has for most serious physical repercussions.

 

But to the straying spouse it's just a lie? Somehow a lie and sex that is just a bit on the side, to make one feel better, like a haircut? Or buying an expensive pair of shoes but in secret? but I still love you? It means nothing? To many OM/OW/WS on this site their piece on the side meant more to them than the harm it causes someone they love.

 

What I am saying is...to the. Betrayed spouse it is accurate. And they heal by building scars.

[Furious]

H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose?

 

Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R?

 

What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please).

 

 

Love......

 

I think a WS may love their spouse but it can pale to the love and entitlement they feel for themselves.

[Snowflower]

At first it gave me comfort that my H said he loved me on d-day.

 

Later though (much later ) it just made me angry that he would say that. I know that he loved me before the A, that much I do know. He has loved me since. But during? No, that would just cheapen the whole emotion.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

At first it gave me comfort that my H said he loved me on d-day.

 

Later though (much later ) it just made me angry that he would say that. I know that he loved me before the A, that much I do know. He has loved me since. But during? No, that would just cheapen the whole emotion.

 

I do sometimes feel that the I loved you during the affair statement is a cop out. I know several of you have said you did. I accept that you say that.

 

I just wonder if its a way to reduce guilt for the affair?

 

I don't know, this is so confusing.

[HopingAgain]

I agree with whoever said Love is an action. With that in mind, WSs do not behave lovingly towards BS in an affair. I would compare it to the way an addict behaves towards his loved ones while he's using. A WS gets so caught up in the affair high and addiction that they can't really care about anyone else but their ability to keep their fix going. Once the affair ends and they withdraw, they come crashing down at the realization of how they've damaged their loved ones.