compulsivedancer Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose? Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R? What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please).
Spark1111 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 FBS here.....and my fWS said essentially that he never stopped loving me during his affair. Wow! With love like that who needs enemies? And if he continued to cast that projection on the most painful time of my life, he really could leave. Anyone who truly loved me would have told me the truth! Like your BS, I took a wait and see attitude. I would have never stayed married to someone, pre, during or post affair who I did NOT suspect loved me with ALL his heart....yet.... There was many a time I felt cast into the role of mean mommy( HIS!) and I would wait for the ship to right itself. maybe your spouse feels the Same; that the affair can be a catalyst for true change. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 maybe your spouse feels the Same; that the affair can be a catalyst for true change. He does, in fact he's used almost exactly those words. And yet, what he's saying is not that I lied to him for 6 months, but that I lied to him for our whole relationship. This is incredibly painful and I think it's untrue, but to him it's all he can accept. To me, if he truly believes that, what is there for him to salvage? I agree that I did not give him as much love or perhaps the TYPE of love that he deserves, but I did not lie to him about loving him. Obviously I was lacking on the commitment side of things, though I didn't realize it at the time (One thing that became clear very quickly after DDay was that I had never truly committed to H. This is one area where our marriage has changed dramatically since DDay).
Confused48 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Compulsive, as a BS, I can tell you that sometimes I say things that are intended to elicit a certain response from my WS. I want WS to say sorry. Or whatever. WS is dense. I know WS is sorry. Or whatever. But even knowing that I want to hear WS say it. I wish this poster by the name of Bussdriver was still here. I changed after I read his posts. I still want WS to say sorry but I don't ask for it anymore. Try to anticipate what your H wants to hear and say it. Tall order, I know. I guess that is why they call it heavy lifting. 8
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Compulsive, as a BS, I can tell you that sometimes I say things that are intended to elicit a certain response from my WS. I want WS to say sorry. Or whatever. WS is dense. I know WS is sorry. Or whatever. But even knowing that I want to hear WS say it. I wish this poster by the name of Bussdriver was still here. I changed after I read his posts. I still want WS to say sorry but I don't ask for it anymore. Try to anticipate what your H wants to hear and say it. Tall order, I know. I guess that is why they call it heavy lifting. I've seen some posts by busdriver before. Are you sure he's not still around? H has been pretty consistent on this one. I don't think he's looking for an apology. Maybe he's still trying to understand how what I did to him is possible? I don't really have answers to that question that satisfy.
BetrayedH Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I think a lot of waywards successfully compartmentalize. They live a double-life and that's the only way the affair can sustain itself. Those two realities can never meet. I certainly think you loved your husband prior to the affair and perhaps even during. Sometimes even the BS can be wrong. Questioning if your WS ever truly loved you comes with the territory. Just get thru it and stick to your story that you certainly loved him when you married him and after. The bonus: that's what he really wants to hear, even if he thinks otherwise. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I've seen some posts by busdriver before. Are you sure he's not still around? H has been pretty consistent on this one. I don't think he's looking for an apology. Maybe he's still trying to understand how what I did to him is possible? I don't really have answers to that question that satisfy. Was the affair really about him? Or hurting him? Or was it about you?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 H has been pretty consistent on this one. I don't think he's looking for an apology. Maybe he's still trying to understand how what I did to him is possible? I don't really have answers to that question that satisfy. As a BS, I've been there on trying to understand the "How could you?". It drove me crazy. As far as love, I'm still trying to figure out what "love" is. I thought I knew, but the affair threw a wrench in that paradigm. It's been a long process of trying to see what love looks like. I guess like all things human, love has its imperfections and failures. 2
Lillyfree Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 maybe it's easier for him to get over your A if he thinks you didn't love him at the time. when i had my A... i didn't feel like i loved my husband. to me, my marriage was over and has been for a while. and it was just a matter of time before it was over in every sense. i did however love him. before AND during. what i got from the A was what i wanted from him... i just learned how to lie to myself in order to justify what i was doing (and i wasn't even very good at it, as that time during the A is the lowest of my life.) 1
Spark1111 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 maybe it's easier for him to get over your A if he thinks you didn't love him at the time. when i had my A... i didn't feel like i loved my husband. to me, my marriage was over and has been for a while. and it was just a matter of time before it was over in every sense. i did however love him. before AND during. what i got from the A was what i wanted from him... i just learned how to lie to myself in order to justify what i was doing (and i wasn't even very good at it, as that time during the A is the lowest of my life.) Thank you for this! It seems honest and rings true! and if my H had ever identified WHAT he needed from me to feel loved, perhaps the affair would have never happened. But he didn't and it did happen. So now I make it a point to stop him in mid-sentence and ask point blank....WHAT are your expectations of me here? You cannot believe how difficult that is for him to answer! It is maddening at times how he avoids conflict. And if he loved me so much, why did I feel so UNLOVED so much of the time? You can love me all you say you do, but if I don't feel it? Stick it in your pipe and smoke it. Yet, HE had the affair. helllllloooooo? Who has the problem here?
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Was the affair really about him? Or hurting him? Or was it about you? Definitely just me being selfish. I was 100% cake eating. I wanted my loving husband along with the thrill of a new boyfriend.
Lillyfree Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Thank you for this! It seems honest and rings true! and if my H had ever identified WHAT he needed from me to feel loved, perhaps the affair would have never happened. But he didn't and it did happen. So now I make it a point to stop him in mid-sentence and ask point blank....WHAT are your expectations of me here? You cannot believe how difficult that is for him to answer! It is maddening at times how he avoids conflict. And if he loved me so much, why did I feel so UNLOVED so much of the time? You can love me all you say you do, but if I don't feel it? Stick it in your pipe and smoke it. Yet, HE had the affair. helllllloooooo? Who has the problem here? my husband and i were both conflict avoiders. and we were both unhappy. it's just that he withdrew further into himself, while i went out of our marriage. both of us were at fault but i was the one who majorly f*cked up. and i remind myself every day how lucky i was that he didn't show me the door. we make a point now of talking, asking what we need, if we see that one or the other is withdrawing into themselves the other will ask the hard questions, as uncomfortable it may make us feel. 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose? Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R? What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please). He probably doesn't really mean it, and only says it out of hurt and confusion. If he really believed you didn't love him, I doubt he would try R. In my situation (as the WS), I can honestly say I did love H before the affair. The trouble is, it didn't/doesn't feel like the kind of love a couple shares. I'm sure there are cases where the WS does love their BS in the way a married couple is meant to, but some other issues (mostly within themselves) lead to the A.
Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose? Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R? What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please). I am a WS. I suspect that every situation is unique and it can work any which way. Love is a complicated thing. There are many facets to it and at least in my case the fantasy aspect of the A is overwhelming. Which is real love? The day to day and hard work of a real marriage or the fantasy of the A? I don't really know and my fear right now is that I can't figure that out. 1
canuckprincess Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I think a lot of waywards successfully compartmentalize. They live a double-life and that's the only way the affair can sustain itself. Those two realities can never meet. I believe it can go on for years and years as long as the ow doesn't start requesting more from the relationship.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I believe it can go on for years and years as long as the ow doesn't start requesting more from the relationship. Such is/was your situation, wasn't it?
canuckprincess Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Such is/was your situation, wasn't it? Yes it is my current situation, not proud of it. I just can't seem to stop it. I love him and don't want it to stop. I want the lies to stop, I want the bs to know what's going on because all the forums point to it being the right thing to do.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Yes it is my current situation, not proud of it. I just can't seem to stop it. I love him and don't want it to stop. I want the lies to stop, I want the bs to know what's going on because all the forums point to it being the right thing to do. No judgment from me, so no worries. There may come a time when you will want to take the steps, and actually take them. Once that happens, you'll be happier, I'm sure. But no one else can really tell you when to do it; that is entirely up to you. I hope things get better for you.
Zenstudent Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 BS here. I think it's a quite normal reaction for a betrayed person, you start to question everything. Nothing is what it seemed to be. This is also why many/most shared memories become tainted. My wife also keep telling me that she loved me before, during and after her 9 months PA. It may be so, apparantly there are different definitions of love, so I guess it depends. What I do know is, that it's definitely not the way I would like to be loved. I support the idea that it's a way of making sense of it all - self protecting. 1
dichotomy Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) Define love.... I will wait - I am sure we can all agree right ? For me Love is not a feeling its an action - love is a verb, love is giving to one like you don't with others, love is sacrifice and putting the needs of another above you own, and the needs of other. When my wife was with OM/MG sharing ......... discussing intimate things about me/us.her...this was the opposite of love (by my definition). She absolutely did not love me. My wife she sees (or did) love as about feelings..and therefore has stated she could love more than one man at a time. Edited August 7, 2013 by dichotomy 1
canuckprincess Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 BS here. I think it's a quite normal reaction for a betrayed person, you start to question everything. Nothing is what it seemed to be. This is also why many/most shared memories become tainted. My wife also keep telling me that she loved me before, during and after her 9 months PA. It may be so, apparantly there are different definitions of love, so I guess it depends. What I do know is, that it's definitely not the way I would like to be loved. I support the idea that it's a way of making sense of it all - self protecting. I'm sure your wife did love you before, during and after the affair. I'm an ow and my mm still loves his wife and we've been together for 7.5 years. To some you may think that how can he carry on the affair if he still loves her, quite simply he loves 2 woman. 1
Zenstudent Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I'm sure your wife did love you before, during and after the affair. I'm an ow and my mm still loves his wife and we've been together for 7.5 years. To some you may think that how can he carry on the affair if he still loves her, quite simply he loves 2 woman. I'm curious. Would you say that betrayal is a loving action then? If not, how does betrayal fit within any definition of love? Not that I doubt that she loved me... in her own mysterious way.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I am not a BS, but recently have had numerous friends and family members in this situation (which is why I read these boards) and each BS at some point in the post DDay process has to ask and resolve this question. Did (s)he love me during? Did (s)he love me at all? Is a love that allows for this betrayal the kind of love I want and deserve? Can I accept that (s)he "loved" or loves someone else? Am I worth having someone love only me? I appreciate the OM/OW/WS perspective that its compartmentalization, or that they love two people, but is the question not a way for the BS to figure out if the can live with it? Because for many, the idea that they could have an affair (love, compartmentalize or whatever) is unfathomable. So somehow the BS has to figure out how to reconcile it, or not. For the BS, for which I was an ear, these questions are the core of what they need to discuss, over and over and over. It makes me so sad.
road Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 H thinks that I did not love him prior to the affair. To his way of thinking, it's impossible to hurt someone you love so badly. i.e. If I loved him, I couldn't've cheated. So that means, what? For eight years (6 years of marriage), I pretended to love him but couldn't see pass my own nose? Also, if I didn't love him for 8 years, why the heck would he stay with me and try to R? What do you think and why? (Tell me if you are BS, WS, OP or other, please). You have no empathy because you are not a BW. You are a WW. Your banging the OM has shattered your BH's life. He is left to wonder how could you do this to him. The logical step in the thought process is for your BH to think that you never loved him. Why does your BH not want to divorce you. He thinks you never loved him. That is different form him always loving you. BH did not go out and find an OW to have an affair with, did he.
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