mama Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 hello, this will be long and I apologize, but would appreciate any feedback. I'm early 30's, he's late 30's. We both have young sons who are 4.5 and 6. We were together for 8 months. I knew this man loved me even before he said it. I could see it in the way he looked at me, the tenderness in his touch. Throughout our relationship, people pulled me aside and told me "the way he looks at you, it's so obvious he adores you. Things were very easy and comfortable. We totally enjoy each other's company and have fun together. he's the first man to ever look at me this way, not even my ex of 15 years did. He took me on vacations, both family and us alone. Anything I wanted, he gave it to me- time, affection, unexpected gifts. Our boys get along and like the other adult. We met friends and family. I have never trusted anyone this way, nor felt so fully accepted and loved or safe and secure. His actions matched his words. He is divorced and his marriage was horrible. he was a workaholic, partly bc of his job (lawyer for a big firm) but also because he was miserable bc all they did was fight. He told me he had worked really hard on his workaholic ways. I noticed over time that his time management really sucked, but he never let on how bad things were getting at work. He and I have had a few arguments, but he always stayed on the phone or at my house until they were resolved. HE brought up marriage and adopting my son. He would send me real estate listings, told me in June that he knew where he wanted to buy my ring. 3 weeks ago I knew he was slammed at work, so when I didn't hear from him much, I didn't immediately become alarmed. He's is sorta flighty and I've never doubted his intentions or his commitment. But it went on for 2 or 3 days so I called him out. He apologized. 2 days later he tells me that he has been trying to find a way to tell me that he isn't sure he wants another baby in the future. That he had been trying to mentally prepare himself for me to end the relationship. Well I had been having doubts about another baby too, so we talked and talked and decided to just table it for now. He then also told me that he is very behind at work and is job is on the line bc the past 6 months or so he hasn't been focused on his work. He told me that he needed me to be understanding of the extra hours he was going to have to put in. I said ok. Things went back to normal and he even made future oriented comments a few times. That lasted about 4 days and then he got upsetting news about his son who he has 50% of the time (possible serious emotional problems/behavior problems at school). He found that out Sunday evening/monday morning. He shut down totally and barely spoke to me for the rest of the week, but did text me to tell me he would come down to see me on his regular night. I respected that he had to be in a very scary and confusing place and didn't push any communication. He came down that night, sat down right next to me and took my hand. Made small talk while we watched tv. Finally I bring up the elephant in the room and said I spent all week afraid he was going to break up with me. He got this very sad look and said that he thought that's what we should do. Proceeds to tell me that he has realized he is going to have to bill an insane amount of hours over the next 4 or 5 months in order to keep his job and that he is worried sick about his son (understandable completely) that he loves me and doesn't want to do this. That I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had and he's so sorry. That he thought he could balance it, but he can't and feels stretched too thin. That I am amazing and he loves spending time with me. I kept saying "then fix it" and he kept putting his head in his hands and saying "I don't know how." The next day we talked and he kept saying I love you. I do. I just know myself and I don't think I can make it work long term bc of how my job is and bc I can't seem to be able to balance my life right. Then he started referencing his marriage and I said "you're scared and you're running away." He told me I was right, that he was overwhelmed and freaked out and just scared that he can't make it work. He told me to let him think about it and he'd call me back. He didn't and didn't respond to any of my texts that night. On Saturday, I sent a text saying that he's making decision from a place of panic and he's worth it to me to give him some space to figure it out. Bc I know he loves me and I believe him when he says he wants a life with me. That I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. He replied with "I just need a little time." That was 3 days ago and we haven't talked. He apparently told his sister in a text message on Sat. that we broke up and then wouldn't respond to her about it either, nor her other messages about something unrelated. I feel like he left a door open and I need some closure. But I don't think I would get a response from him right now bc he is totally shut down. up to this point, he has never given me the impression that he would just tell me something that was total bull**** just to make me happy, make me shut up or whatever. But it's been 3 days and nothing.... Today in the mail, my son got a thank you card from his son from his bday party last weekend. It was like a punch in the gut. I know this man loves me, and I know he's scared and overwhelmed. But I don't understand why he won't fight for us. He told me repeatedly, during our breakup that he loves me and wants to be with me, just doesn't know how to make it work. I am devestated. I love this man so much. What should I do? I figured out already that I had to stop calling/texting him trying to get him to talk to me. But now I'm so afraid I'll never hear from him again. Thank you for reading this novel.
Scofield Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I know you are very sad right now and looking for answers, but I won't pretend to have them.... It seems like you guys share a strong bond. I'm a guy who also works insane hours, am in nursing school, and get very overwhelmed at times. My last relationship started very strong, and sounded much like yours, except she has kids and I do not. Over time, the stresses led me to believe that I was slipping behind in school, and not performing at the level I needed to and expected of myself. Even though I loved her dearly, I considered ending it. It took a lot of hard work on my part, but I stayed with her, and finished school well. She was CRUCIAL in this though. She said she knows I set high standards for myself, and she endeavored to help me get back on track, while still staying together. The norm of the relationship changed, but we became stronger during that time. I am not sure this helps, but he my be going through what I once was.
Author mama Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 thank you for your response. I do think he's going through something similar. His sister told me that he isn't lying when he says he sucks at balancing things in his life. I have told him that I am here for him and am not going anywhere. He responded with "I just need a little time." That was the first text he'd responded to since the day before. I don't know what my next step should be. Obviously not blowing his phone up, but should I just go hard core NC, or send 1 text a week just saying hello? I feel like I deserve another conversation and some closure. If he needs a break but still wants to be with me and just needs to get himself together, then I can try that. But if he wants to be totally done, then I need to know that too. Yes, he broke up with me, but I feel like he also kinda backtracked and left the door open a little. My issue is that the only way I can communicate with him is text and I'm afraid if I text him that, it would only feel like more pressure to him. He already makes decisions in a panic and gets tunnel vision.
Scofield Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I am certain many on here will disagree with me on this, but I'm sure that hardcore NC is NOT the way to go here. An overwhelming situation has come on with full intensity for him right now it seems. It doesn't seem to be over another woman, it doesn't seem like he has lost his love for you, it just seems like he has come to a point where he absolutely NEEDS to get back on track to where he wants and needs his life and work to be, and right now, it's possible that the only solution he see's is to end it. I would limit contact, but if you feel the need to contact, be brief and supportive, and then turn your phone off and go for a jog.... don't wait around for a response, because it might not come. You have to prepare yourself that it may be over forever. It sounds harsh, but it is a strong possibility.
Author mama Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 does there seem to be any way to save it? On one hand, I can't imagine him never talking to me again bc he's honestly a good man and I do believe that he loves me. But I also didn't think he would totally shut down on me, we have not been through another time of such stress for either of us.
Scofield Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I can only tell you things from my perspective, and based on what I have been through myself, so please don't take my advice as anything other than that..... advice. I consider myself a good read of people and situations, and based on what I have read in your post's, I believe it can be saved. Again, I don't want to give false hope, and I am trying to put myself in his shoes based on my experiences. He said he is months behind in his work.... that is NOT healthy, and he needs to get back on track. I couldn't imagine falling behind in school that much. It is so competitive out there today in everything, be it school or work, that one has to try to be their best everyday. Imagine if he lost his job or became hopelessly behind and could not catch up.... he would consider himself a failure. Maybe the relationship got him behind, maybe it didn't, I don't know. But what I do know is he is doing this for a REASON. Things perhaps can be saved, but they can't go back to how they always were, if indeed being in the relationship caused his current hardship. Someday, perhaps, but not now. In my opinion, he is trying to set his life back on track however he knows how to. Some people cut ties, some people fight through it, some people give up. He is doing what he feels he needs to do. Stay strong! Listen to your heart. You know him better than anyone. Keep yourself healthy, keep contact extremely limited, if at all, and know that you have friends here.
Author mama Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I think he feels like he's coming up short in a lot of ways, as an employee and as a father. I don't think he wanted to add boyfriend to the list. All I know is I love him very much and always felt very loved and now all I can do is cry.
Author mama Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Part of what makes this so sad and scary, is this has been the easiest and healthiest relationship of my life, and he always said the same about me. It's not everyday that you find someone you get along with so well and really just enjoy each other's company. Conversation was easy, sex was great...both of us talked about it was the most meaningful sex we'd experienced. Everyday is a battle to not try and call him. My brain doesn't work this way...when you love someone and have a good thing then you keep it. No matter what. It's like if I look at it purely logical then I know that he's feeling like something had to give and the only thing it could have possibly been was us. But in the same breath that he's ending it, he's telling me how much he loves me and how he screwed everything up, thinking he could handle it all. His sister called me after she found out and said she is really upset with him and doesn't understand what he's doing. His mom is very upset as well. They all really like me and were just as shocked as I was bc he always talked so highly of me and the relationship. I'm trying to find a way to start healing, but right now I am barely functioning. I am a highly emotional person and simply cannot "snap out of it" when something this hard happens. I also can't help but have a bit of hope and in some ways it's comforting and in other's is tourture.
Author mama Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) thank you. I feel sorta like a hypocrit praying, even though I've wanted to, bc I am so unsure in my beliefs right now. I'm in this place of trying to accept that this may really be it for us. That I may never hear from him again. But then knowing what our relationship was and how we felt/feel for one another and the fact that it creates this huge place of dissonance in my heart and mind. I try to temper any feelings of hope, bc he did leave the door a bit open and bc there are so many stories of reconciliation and I DO think he will regret this at some point. I try to temper all that with not setting myself up for disappointment, because here we are going on day 4 of no word from him after telling me he needed time and me saying I would wait. I don't necessarily think nc all the way is the way for me to go here, bc I don't want him to interpret my ongoing silence as that I've changed my mind at this time. but I know it will hurt if I send a text, even if just friendly and supportive, and he doesn't respond. Edited August 7, 2013 by mama add info
Recommended Posts