So THAT'S How Cliche it Can Get...

[JustAReformedGirl]

As this thread primarily is to update my situation with AP, I feel it's better in this forum, rather than Infidelity.

 

So, a basic run-down:

 

-The affair ended a couple of months or so ago. AP and I had talked of getting together legitimately, once I was to D (and of course, after a period of singlehood).

 

-A few days ago, I came clean to H about the affair. At first, there was little to no reaction. Since, we've talked about it here and there. The important parts; regardless of what I've done, he would want to stay together.

 

-That is still up in the air. I'm giving thought to reconciling, but I've been fully honest with H about my emotional state, and that the next part I'm about to touch on doesn't solve our relationship issues.

 

Okay, so on to that.

 

For the record, I know AP's feelings were real. I know what we felt for one another was very much real. However, after confronting him in a message today, asking him whether he figured out if he still holds those feelings for me (two days ago, he had told me he was unsure how he felt; with all the stress he's been dealing with, and the distance between us, he was unclear whether he still felt that way, or not) he confirmed that the romantic feelings are gone. He still loves me as a friend. He apologized for all he put me through (anxiety and hurt), claiming that he doesn't regret what we've shared, beyond the parts that hurt me. He says he won't be relapsing this time; any time he relapsed before was because he still felt something. Now he knows he doesn't.

 

I'm not saying I fully believe that. He's a very indecisive individual, and I have a feeling that, once his current problems pass, he may feel differently.

 

If he doesn't, kudos to him. If he does wind up relapsing, I'm not giving in. Not this time.

 

Make no mistake; I do love him. I've gone through hell and back for him, and as a friend, I will still be there for him. But right now, I need time to heal. Now, I can never let him put that kind of hope in my heart again, just to pull the rug out from under me.

 

Part of me is somewhat relieved. A much bigger part of me is dealing with a great many warring emotions.

 

Of course, I informed H of all of this as well. He's relieved, and like I said, I told him the fact that AP no longer wants anything romantic with me doesn't solve our issues, not by a long shot. I told him a big part of me is always going to love AP, and this is going to hurt me for awhile. I told him if he cannot deal with that, I would understand if he wanted to file for divorce.

 

For some reason, he still wants to stay with me. He's been incredibly understanding, both before and after the affair came to light. I'm pretty fortunate in that, but again, I still don't know what will happen between us. I need time to figure that out, and he knows that. There are no secrets, now.

 

So, that's basically it. I know some of you want to throw the ever-dreaded "I told you so" my way. Feel free. You were right. However, don't assume you were right for the reasons you think you are. I know for a fact I was more than just sex to AP. I think what really happened was, we took too long. Maybe our time passed long ago. I don't know. I just know the feelings were real.

 

Right now, I'm numb. I'm hurting, but I'm coping. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope, whatever it is, I can finally smile again. Because with all of this going on? I haven't been happy for a very long time.

 

Anyway, that's all. I just wanted to keep everyone in the know. I don't actually have any questions, nor am I seeking sympathy. We reap what we sow. I'm reaping some pretty big, thorny plants right now.

 

I'm doing everything I can to tell myself to chalk it up to a learning experience, and to move on. I'll keep everyone apprised of my progress.

[whichwayisup]

Make no mistake; I do love him. I've gone through hell and back for him, and as a friend, I will still be there for him. But right now, I need time to heal. Now, I can never let him put that kind of hope in my heart again, just to pull the rug out from under me.

 

Part of me is somewhat relieved. A much bigger part of me is dealing with a great many warring emotions.

 

Of course, I informed H of all of this as well. He's relieved, and like I said, I told him the fact that AP no longer wants anything romantic with me doesn't solve our issues, not by a long shot. I told him a big part of me is always going to love AP, and this is going to hurt me for awhile. I told him if he cannot deal with that, I would understand if he wanted to file for divorce.

Did you tell your H that you still intend on being exOM's friend? if so, how does your husband feel about this? I hope it's okay that I ask this.

 

Hope your H is able work with you and give you a second chance.

[bentleychic]

I wish you nothing but happiness and healing as you walk along this new path and find your way.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Did you tell your H that you still intend on being exOM's friend? if so, how does your husband feel about this? I hope it's okay that I ask this.

 

Hope your H is able work with you and give you a second chance.

 

Surprisingly, he is okay with it. I let him read both my message to xAP, and the reply I received.

 

I told him that no matter what I feel for xAP, there's no way in hell I'm going through all this hell again. Before he knew of the affair, he knew of the emotional rollercoaster ride I'd been on for a full year. I also told him aside from the hell I've been through, I couldn't put "us" through that again.

 

Despite my ambivalence about whether our M will work out or not, he's being very understanding and supportive. I'm still unclear on why he's taken the information of the affair so well (so far), but right now, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. My only priority is to figure out what it is I want/need, and to go from there, while keeping the lines of communication open with H.

 

R is seeming likely, but I think what concerns me ultimately about it is this: what if, even after we put the effort forth, it's still not enough? I guess I'm just worried we're dragging it out. I hope whatever happens, all involved can be happy.

 

And thank you for the well wishes. I've got a lot to figure out, but as of this moment? I'm not feeling as miserable as I did earlier today. I'm either cycling through the grieving process, or I was already emotionally prepared for this, and thus, the relief is currently keeping everything else at bay.

 

I'm sure I'll cycle through the emotions many, many more times before I'm fully healed. In the meantime, I'll focus on whatever H needs, if he needs anything.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I wish you nothing but happiness and healing as you walk along this new path and find your way.

 

 

Thank you very much.

[Speakingofwhich]

I admire your honesty with your husband.

 

Not knowing your AP I can't make a judgement but it seems you may have dodged a bullet with him if he's a person whose emotions change a lot. Not sure I'd want to go through that in a relationship. Better to be out of it now than later if his emotions aren't stable.

 

Otoh, your husband seems like a rock. He has really stuck by you through this, hasn't he? Would you go through IC or MC w/him and try to put things back together?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I admire your honesty with your husband.

 

Not knowing your AP I can't make a judgement but it seems you may have dodged a bullet with him if he's a person whose emotions change a lot. Not sure I'd want to go through that in a relationship. Better to be out of it now than later if his emotions aren't stable.

 

Otoh, your husband seems like a rock. He has really stuck by you through this, hasn't he? Would you go through IC or MC w/him and try to put things back together?

 

If we could afford either form of counselling, yes. IC is something I think I really need, and not just because of the events that have unfolded. A lot of deep-seated issues keep coming up for me; issues I have gained absolutely no closure in. As far as MC, it would be worth a shot; H doesn't see our lack of sex as an issue, but I feel it is. It's not that he's not willing. He more often than not doesn't pursue it, and even when I'm aroused beyond belief, I don't seek it from him. He's aware that I'm lacking sexual feelings for him. I'm unclear why he's not offended by this, but perhaps with MC, we could figure it out.

 

He's of the mind that whatever happened to our spark, it will return. He's not as concerned as I am. So, I'm willing to at least try, though right now, I'm just trying to sort through all of this on my own.

 

Next Monday, he'll be away for two weeks; perhaps once he returns, he and I can look into counselling.

[Speakingofwhich]

Not sure if you'd consider getting counseling from a church. Larger ones often employ a counselor, it's free and you don't have to be a member of the church to use the service. I did it many years ago and the counselor didn't try to influence me w/his spiritual views.

 

Your husband seems like a good guy, what little I've read about him. But, yes, you need that attraction, too. Did you have it when you were first married?

[Lillyfree]

i'm glad you've spoken to your husband and got everything out in the open. to be honest, i'm not sure that i would be as strong as him to deal with everything you've said to him the way he has.

 

i hope everyone involved heals and moves on to a better life.

[So happy together]

Much support to you in your journey. It can't be easy. Be good to yourself right now. Hugs.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Not sure if you'd consider getting counseling from a church. Larger ones often employ a counselor, it's free and you don't have to be a member of the church to use the service. I did it many years ago and the counselor didn't try to influence me w/his spiritual views.

 

Your husband seems like a good guy, what little I've read about him. But, yes, you need that attraction, too. Did you have it when you were first married?

 

I'll look into what you mentioned, about getting counselling through a church. If we can find one that doesn't push their views, all the better.

 

And sadly, no. We only got married in December; the better majority of our 8+ years has lacked that spark. There is love, certainly. But, for reasons I can't explain, I lack the physical part for him. Perhaps it will return. All we can do is try.

 

Okay, I don't get that part. What are we supposed to give you the 'I told you thing' over? I'm lost.

 

Certainly not everyone, but quite a few were certain what I expected to happen, with divorce and with AP, wouldn't occur. There have been so many cases like mine, so I suppose I don't blame anyone for thinking it would result the same way. But, I maintain it didn't work out as I originally thought for different reasons than what most would have thought.

 

In any case, I didn't say it snidely. More out of resignation, than anything.

 

i'm glad you've spoken to your husband and got everything out in the open. to be honest, i'm not sure that i would be as strong as him to deal with everything you've said to him the way he has.

 

i hope everyone involved heals and moves on to a better life.

 

In all honesty, I don't think I would have been, either. I hope we heal, too. Thank you.

 

Much support to you in your journey. It can't be easy. Be good to yourself right now. Hugs.

 

I'm trying. Thanks.

[Spark1111]

Well I'm glad you are being honest in your marriage. That's a plus.

 

But I feel for your H. has he no ego? None at all? And how can I give him bushels of it?

 

if my H ever told me he had feelings for his AP, I would have, once again, packed his bags and sent him over to her.....for good.

 

Where is his self-respect? Where is your self-respect? Why do you not respect him?

 

Where are the cojones in this relationship? SOMEONE PLEASE put on big person pants and make this relationship a dynamic, thriving entity....or walk away.

 

As for your AP, he is very, very typical. Why be friends with him? WHAT is the payoff?

 

And WHY rub your H's nose in your feelings for your AP?

 

Rebel....you are still angry...get IC please! Both of you need to change if there is any hope here. it is all so passive-aggressive and ....polite.

 

Where is the passion, the anger, the hammering out of issues? what kind of relationship do you two have?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well I'm glad you are being honest in your marriage. That's a plus.

 

But I feel for your H. has he no ego? None at all? And how can I give him bushels of it?

 

I'm sure he has ego, in some regard. For reasons beyond my own comprehension, his only interest is in being with me.

 

if my H ever told me he had feelings for his AP, I would have, once again,

packed his bags and sent him over to her.....for good.

 

I'm not sure what it is within him that's making him so understanding of all this; I assure you, I'm actually quite disconcerted. It's not as though he hasn't expressed hurt, since I told him. My theory (one of them, anyway) is that he's somehow rationalizing what I've done, probably thinking he is somehow to blame.

 

Where is his self-respect? Where is your self-respect? Why do you not respect

him?

 

I'm not sure where his is. I know I possess some of my own (thus ending the affair a couple of months or so ago, and thus not allowing AP to ever lay claim to me again) but I'll admit, I probably don't have as much as I should. Just enough to know when to say I've had enough.

 

Where are the cojones in this relationship? SOMEONE PLEASE put on big person

pants and make this relationship a dynamic, thriving entity....or walk away.

 

That's what we endeavour to do, Spark. Rome wasn't built in a day; this is going to take some time.

 

As for your AP, he is very, very typical. Why be friends with him? WHAT is the

payoff?

 

Because before all of this happened, he had always been a good friend. I don't choose my friends lightly; once I find people in my life that I actually trust, I make it a point to stick by them. I know, you likely don't believe me, and think me a fool. That's fine. If my H is okay with my now very limited friendship with xAP, then I think no one else really needs to concern themselves with it. Suffice it to say I am rather sentimental. I've known him too long to just throw his friendship away.

 

And WHY rub your H's nose in your feelings for your AP?

 

It wasn't to rub his nose in it; it was to give him full honesty, so that if he wanted out of the relationship, he could make an informed decision. I was merely putting all the cards on the table. Before the affair was known or even occurred, he knew of my feelings for AP. He told me so himself, when I first told him how I felt (and I assure you, I didn't tell him of my feelings for AP with a smile on my face; it was quite the opposite).

 

 

Rebel....you are still angry...get IC please! Both of you need to change if

there is any hope here. it is all so passive-aggressive and ....polite.

 

I am many things. I swing from one emotion to the next. Numb I like; that one can stay for awhile. I really, really want it to stay, because I know all-too-well what follows, as soon as the numbness goes away. In a nutshell, a tight chest and internal bruising from emotional convulsions I really don't want to experience right now. But yes, I think IC would be a wonderful idea. For the record, I'm not being passive-aggressive toward H. I don't think he's being that way toward me, either. I think it's just taking him a bit more to fully process...either that, or something is wrong on the inside (not my words; he's often wondered if there was).

 

Where is the passion, the anger, the hammering out of issues? what kind of relationship do you two have?

 

The thing is, we don't really have passion. It very seldom occurs in any form, but in the rare instances when it does, it's our tempers more often than not- and more mine than his. Why it hasn't flared for this, of all the things we've ever fought about, I really don't know.

[Pierre]

H doesn't see our lack of sex as an issue, but I feel it is. It's not that he's not willing. He more often than not doesn't pursue it, and even when I'm aroused beyond belief, I don't seek it from him. He's aware that I'm lacking sexual feelings for him. I'm unclear why he's not offended by this,

 

Wow, I think you need to explore the concept of men that embrace cuckolding. In this system the H is perfectly OK with the wife having sexual urges for OM. Before going to NC you may want to google men that are OK with cuckolding. These men love the wife more than anything and accept they are not considered good enough to provide the sex. Your H may even embrace an open relationship for you as long as you do not divorce him.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Wow, I think you need to explore the concept of men that embrace cuckolding. In this system the H is perfectly OK with the wife having sexual urges for OM. Before going to NC you may want to google men that are OK with cuckolding. These men love the wife more than anything and accept they are not considered good enough to provide the sex. Your H may even embrace an open relationship for you as long as you do not divorce him.

 

If he is one of those men, that saddens me. I honestly would never have thought that possible, until now. The thing is, I'm not interested in cuckolding him. The A was emotionally daunting enough; I never want to deal with that crap again.

 

Even if he was okay with an open relationship, I'm not interested in pursuing it. xAP is out of that particular picture, and I don't desire anyone else. As it is, I'm hoping I can erase all trace of my desire for xAP-which with all the hurt right now, there isn't much of, at least not sexually. Emotionally, it's going to be a longer road.

 

Gods, why is it when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm such a dumbass?

[Pierre]

If he is one of those men, that saddens me. I honestly would never have thought that possible, until now. The thing is, I'm not interested in cuckolding him. The A was emotionally daunting enough; I never want to deal with that crap again.

 

Even if he was okay with an open relationship, I'm not interested in pursuing it. xAP is out of that particular picture, and I don't desire anyone else. As it is, I'm hoping I can erase all trace of my desire for xAP-which with all the hurt right now, there isn't much of, at least not sexually. Emotionally, it's going to be a longer road.

 

Gods, why is it when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm such a dumbass?

 

I just don't get your H. I bet you would feel better if he was upset-------or if he wanted to end the marriage. His acceptance makes him look a bit wimpy in front of your eyes. Will this be an issue for a successful reconciliation?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I just don't get your H. I bet you would feel better if he was upset-------or if he wanted to end the marriage. His acceptance makes him look a bit wimpy in front of your eyes. Will this be an issue for a successful reconciliation?

 

I don't see him as a wimp. I wouldn't be happier if he was angry and wanted divorce; I'm just not sure what to make of his reaction, at all.

 

If reconciliation is unsuccessful, it won't be because of this.

[LBlanc]

Maybe your H is just a very mature person...his lack of reaction may not mean he's okay with it...he's just dealing with it in the most calm "zen" like manner so that the two of you could discuss issues in an intelligent manner...

 

in any case...good luck and well wishes OP...

 

PS. you mentioned your H is a soldier?...he may have a different perspective on a lot of things...if you think about it... between casualties in war and infidelity...infidelity doesn't really amount to much...at least you haven't shot anyone...

[road]

For the record, I know AP's feelings were real. I know what we felt for one another was very much real. However, after confronting him in a message today, asking him whether he figured out if he still holds those feelings for me (two days ago, he had told me he was unsure how he felt; with all the stress he's been dealing with, and the distance between us, he was unclear whether he still felt that way, or not) he confirmed that the romantic feelings are gone.

 

Denial.

 

Men will say anything to get some WW action.

 

Once dday the OM drop their OW and search for a new one will no BH baggage.

[starlet86]

If AP had replied differently and advised you that, yes he did still have romantic feelings for you and would like to see how things progress after you had separated from H, would you even be considering a reconciliation with H?

 

I would feel terribly frustrated by if I were you that my H was being so understanding. (I am not married but have had to come clean for betraying a partner once) I would feel that some anger from him would at least show he understood exactly what I had done.

 

I wish you all the best and hope everything works for you. You should focus on what you need as ultimately it is your happiness that counts.

[Owl]

RD, just one thought for you to consider.

 

As your communications with the OM dwindle...and as he demonstrates to you more and more of those traits that you don't like about him (indecision being a key one)....

 

...and as you become more and more open and honest in your communications with your H (and why not...at this point it's all on the table and costs you nothing to do so)...

 

...you very well could find yourself eventually drawn back to your H, and fall in love with him over OM.

 

Not saying it WILL happen. But am saying that's possible.

 

Your H is doing the right things. He's not blowing up on you, even with the hurtful/painful things. Instead, he's LISTENING to you (maybe for the first time in years) without over-reacting, without too much judgement, and he's potentially even learning from what he's hearing and making changes as needed.

 

It's very similar to what happened in my own marriage after our d-day. We agreed to be "brutally honest" after it all came out. Why not...we figured our marriage was doomed anyway, so what did it cost either of us to be honest in our communications so we could at least try to keep enough of a connection to be able to help support the kids through divorce/whatever.

 

Turns out...communicating is the key to establishing an emotional connection. Being able to communicate openly and honestly about this stuff led my wife to remember what kind of man I truly am...and eventually led to our own recovery.

 

You sound like you're in a very similar emotionally removed (from the marriage) state to what she was in at the time.

 

Just some things to consider. Keep doing what you're doing...see where it leads.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I don't think your H is too far off the norm. Anger is not the first stage of grief. I was initially pissed when I discovered my W's affair but once my wife agrees to end the affair and work on the marriage, the anger wasn't really present for some months to come. I was in the bargaining and depression stages a lot in the beginning months. With some measure of hope of not losing my nuclear family, I was focused on that one task. It was damage control for the most part. Sounds like what your H is doing. I was also called a cuckold and a doormat here. Neither was true. I think your H is experiencing pain and as a man, doesn't want to show it. I think that's especially true since he is still waiting for the other shoe to drop; he's waiting for you to decide if you're going to leave him. But he's going to resist the urge to cry, beg, or yell. My anger came to the surface once I felt safe. It took some months to feel confident that she wasn't going to leave. That's when it really hit me that, you know what, I don't much appreciate that this has happened.

 

One other quick thought: if you decide to reconcile with your H, your exAp is going to have to go. You have to make a choice, regardless of what your H says today. He's bargaining and that's one deal with you that he won't be able to keep.

[Owl]

Maybe your H is just a very mature person...his lack of reaction may not mean he's okay with it...he's just dealing with it in the most calm "zen" like manner so that the two of you could discuss issues in an intelligent manner...

 

in any case...good luck and well wishes OP...

 

PS. you mentioned your H is a soldier?...he may have a different perspective on a lot of things...if you think about it... between casualties in war and infidelity...infidelity doesn't really amount to much...at least you haven't shot anyone...

 

Interesting thought.

 

I disagree that he may view infidelity as something less painful since he was a soldier.

 

But...odds are...he's learned to act rationally, to keep his head and do the right thing...even THROUGH the pain...because he was a soldier.

 

I was a career soldier myself. My wife's affair was still massively devestating and traumatizing to me when it occurred...took a couple of years to get over, in fact.

 

But...once I dealt with the initial shock and trauma...I reacted much like RD describes her H's reactions at this point.

 

Now...he may not stay in the state he's in...I didn't. Once the crisis was dealt with, I had to deal with my own pain. Her H may well have to do so too.

 

But interesting thoughts.

[Pierre]

If AP had replied differently and advised you that, yes he did still have romantic feelings for you and would like to see how things progress after you had separated from H, would you even be considering a reconciliation with H?

 

I would feel terribly frustrated by if I were you that my H was being so understanding. (I am not married but have had to come clean for betraying a partner once) I would feel that some anger from him would at least show he understood exactly what I had done.

 

I wish you all the best and hope everything works for you. You should focus on what you need as ultimately it is your happiness that counts.

 

 

We tend to judge from our perspective.

 

If I was the H of OP and if I received all that info I would immediately initiate divorce proceedings. I would thank OP for her honesty, but I would automatically disengage no matter how much I loved her. True conjugal love is bilateral and reciprocated.

 

However, there are men that have low self esteem and will tolerate anything to keep the wife. The big extreme is to tolerate infidelity

[LBlanc]

...

 

However, there are men that have low self esteem and will tolerate anything to keep the wife. The big extreme is to tolerate infidelity

 

...I remember OP posting about a child though...that would make some BS have second thoughts about leaving...just saying its too early to tell whether her H has low self esteem...