Moper Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I see where my therapist is going with me next. I've cheated a little and I am a little ahead of the game. Cheaters will cheat. I cut off my AP, I stop giving to my AP, I start doing exercises where I am giving to my spouse. I get unstuck, end up with my spouse assuming I don't get thrown out on my ass like I deserve to be. Something about this doesn't sit well with me. It is deceptive in its own right.
ladydesigner Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I see where my therapist is going with me next. I've cheated a little and I am a little ahead of the game. Cheaters will cheat. I cut off my AP, I stop giving to my AP, I start doing exercises where I am giving to my spouse. I get unstuck, end up with my spouse assuming I don't get thrown out on my ass like I deserve to be. Something about this doesn't sit well with me. It is deceptive in its own right. Um okay:confused: What is cheating a 'little'? and why didn't you think being dishonest with your spouse wasn't deceptive?
Confused48 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't know if this is on point or not but here goes. I almost cheated. It was after WS had been in the A for awhile. I was feeling abandoned. I did not know about the A but I felt abandoned. I thought about and almost had an A of my own. So now, I find out about WS affair and I'm not feeling all that superior. WS felt abandoned for other reasons. How am I better? I cheated a little too. I just did not go all the way. We both deserve to be thrown on our ass. Let those of you without sin cast the first stone. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I see where my therapist is going with me next. I've cheated a little and I am a little ahead of the game. Cheaters will cheat. I cut off my AP, I stop giving to my AP, I start doing exercises where I am giving to my spouse. I get unstuck, end up with my spouse assuming I don't get thrown out on my ass like I deserve to be. Something about this doesn't sit well with me. It is deceptive in its own right. This is a perfect example of what happens when you do not get caught or have a DDAY. You feel wonderful that you ended it and recommitted to the marriage. Good girl! Good girl! But the guilt eats you up alive in having to keep a lifelong secret from the one person on the planet who you should have NO SECRETS from! Without total honesty you cannot have total intimacy. You cannot bear your heart and soul; cannot share all. You can have a good enough marriage, I suppose. BUT NEVER a great one. Nothing will change; nothing fixed or bettered. YOUR choice. 1
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Um okay:confused: What is cheating a 'little'? and why didn't you think being dishonest with your spouse wasn't deceptive? You misunderstood me. I'm sorry, I did not make myself clear. I did not mean cheating on my spouse. I meant cheating in terms of my therapy by getting ahead of my therapist. I used a little self-deprecating humor to say that a cheater was cheating, in this instance by getting ahead of my therapist. Hey I am genuinely depressed, any port in a storm. I find some irony in the process. Trying to see if I can revive my feelings for my spouse (feelings I'm not sure I ever had) by doing nice things for her? I get it and I am with the program. It makes sense but at the same time I see dishonesty in it. A subtle point, so perhaps you don't see it?
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I don't know if this is on point or not but here goes. I almost cheated. It was after WS had been in the A for awhile. I was feeling abandoned. I did not know about the A but I felt abandoned. I thought about and almost had an A of my own. So now, I find out about WS affair and I'm not feeling all that superior. WS felt abandoned for other reasons. How am I better? I cheated a little too. I just did not go all the way. We both deserve to be thrown on our ass. Let those of you without sin cast the first stone. Interesting. I do think the abandoned theme fits into the point I was trying to make. It seems that there is a positive effect in going out of ones way to do nice things for their spouse. At least that's how I understand it. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. I am really just wondering if I am going to grow up and get past this. It is still early for me. Has your situation improved? If so what helped? 1
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 This is a perfect example of what happens when you do not get caught or have a DDAY. You feel wonderful that you ended it and recommitted to the marriage. Good girl! Good girl! But the guilt eats you up alive in having to keep a lifelong secret from the one person on the planet who you should have NO SECRETS from! Without total honesty you cannot have total intimacy. You cannot bear your heart and soul; cannot share all. You can have a good enough marriage, I suppose. BUT NEVER a great one. Nothing will change; nothing fixed or bettered. YOUR choice. First, I'm a guy. Second it is too early to have a DDay as I am "stuck" and not really sure if I can have feelings for my wife. My therapist is adamant, there is no point in putting my wife through this if I am not going to commit to the marriage. You may be correct but I am just not there yet. There is a dishonesty to it, that is my point. What a web we weave when we set out to deceive.
Praying4Peace Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 You misunderstood me. I'm sorry, I did not make myself clear. I did not mean cheating on my spouse. I meant cheating in terms of my therapy by getting ahead of my therapist. I used a little self-deprecating humor to say that a cheater was cheating, in this instance by getting ahead of my therapist. Hey I am genuinely depressed, any port in a storm. I find some irony in the process. Trying to see if I can revive my feelings for my spouse (feelings I'm not sure I ever had) by doing nice things for her? I get it and I am with the program. It makes sense but at the same time I see dishonesty in it. A subtle point, so perhaps you don't see it? I get what you're saying totally. You know that therapists are jokingly called "theRapists" within the counseling community. I'm not dogging the profession but you have to be open to a bit of brainwashing/suggestion to benefit. There are some concepts created to change how you think about things. Make it all for into a category, box, concept. Example- when someone says that most marriages are stronger after an A- they are giving you a suggestive norm...now if you don't fit you are going to feel weird or weak or a failure. And so you see the A as a good thing! And you report it made your marriage stronger- and add to statistics. Note- I have a degree in the field and love psychology. But in the A context I find it terrible. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Ok Moper, sorry I misunderstood. So you know you are depressed and you are seeing a therapist. that's great! But you doubt you love your wife and may now want to cheat. know how many times I have read, lived through, and witnessed this scenario IRL? THOUSANDS. I suggest you take your spouse out of the equation. Hell, separate and live alone while you attend therapy. date if you think the grass is greener. Tell your wife you intend to do so, allowing her the same freedom to search for someone more in love with her. I predict your love for your wife, or lack thereof, HAS LITTLE TO NOTHING to do with your wife. Happiness and self-love ALL come from within. Deal with your depression first. Don't blame your wife for it. Figure it out with your therapist. IF you married the wrong woman, set her free to find love with someone else. Don't hide behind your depression. If you want to date others, tell her the truth so she can do the same. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Okay, here goes... -Your reference to cheating isn't about infidelity, but about being ahead of the game in your therapy sessions. -You're in therapy because of your depression. -You're uncertain you love your wife, and you feel like you're cheating (not in the sense of infidelity, but like one does in regards to a test) when you give to your wife. -This giving to your wife...do you feel like you're just going through the motions? Do you give to her because you want to, or because you feel like you have to? I hope I got all of this right. In any case, try to be more honest in therapy, and even tell your therapist what you've been thinking and feeling-what you've discussed here on LS, in fact. If you feel like you're only going through the motions, you have a couple of choices: 1) You can continue, in the hopes it stops being that way, and becomes genuine, Or 2) You can separate from your wife, even if only temporarily, to work these issues out. Additionally... 3) You can be honest with your wife about this as well, and explore the possibilities of MC. 1
SidLyon Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I had difficulty interpreting the first post, but unless I misunderstood he is (or was) cheating with an AP who he will (or has) cut off, but is having difficulty reconnecting with his wife, because he is not sure about his feelings for his wife. His therapist has advised him not to disclose the A to his wife at this stage. He (the OP) feels that all of this adds further dishonesty to the equation. OP; I would advise discussing this very issue with your therapist. Especially why s/he is advising further dishonesty when presumably the therapist wants you to stop being dishonest with your wife. I see a disconnect here and maybe you could consider getting a second opinion from another therapist 2
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 You all pretty much got it in spite of my poor articulation and the only reason I say pretty much is because I don't fully understand it myself. Your responses are so helpful, thank you. It is still very early. I go to only my third session today. I really like my therapist and I do have to hold the course. I will raise the issue though and yes I know for sure that I do have to figure myself out. As for my feelings for my wife this is just plain confusing. It os a chicken and egg question.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 So does SidLyon have this part correct? You had an AP at one point, and your therapist is suggesting you keep the affair (which is presumably over) under wraps? I wish you the best. I would definitely be asking the therapist about this, and make your call from there. As to not knowing how you feel about your wife-I'm in the same boat when it comes to my H. I know I love him, but it doesn't feel like the right kind. I have a lot to sort out. I hope you figure your situation out soon.
Confused48 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Interesting. I do think the abandoned theme fits into the point I was trying to make. It seems that there is a positive effect in going out of ones way to do nice things for their spouse. At least that's how I understand it. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. I am really just wondering if I am going to grow up and get past this. It is still early for me. Has your situation improved? If so what helped? My situation has improved greatly. The most important factors were my WS going NC with the AP and then the passage of time. On Dday my WS was very much conflicted about whether or not we should stay married. I was not conflicted and wanted very much to stay married. We have flip flopped. Now I'm conflicted. But I'd still say both of our lives have improved with the passage of time and NC with the AP. One more point that may be relevant to you Moper. On Dday and for some time after my WS thought highly of the AP. As a person. New information post Dday revealed a lot of nasty stuff about AP. I'm sure not all AP's are bad people but some are and that can make a difference to a person in your position or your wife's position.
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 So does SidLyon have this part correct? You had an AP at one point, and your therapist is suggesting you keep the affair (which is presumably over) under wraps? I wish you the best. I would definitely be asking the therapist about this, and make your call from there. As to not knowing how you feel about your wife-I'm in the same boat when it comes to my H. I know I love him, but it doesn't feel like the right kind. I have a lot to sort out. I hope you figure your situation out soon. Only if I decide to leave the marriage. Otherwise she hasn't said.
Author Moper Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 My situation has improved greatly. The most important factors were my WS going NC with the AP and then the passage of time. On Dday my WS was very much conflicted about whether or not we should stay married. I was not conflicted and wanted very much to stay married. We have flip flopped. Now I'm conflicted. But I'd still say both of our lives have improved with the passage of time and NC with the AP. One more point that may be relevant to you Moper. On Dday and for some time after my WS thought highly of the AP. As a person. New information post Dday revealed a lot of nasty stuff about AP. I'm sure not all AP's are bad people but some are and that can make a difference to a person in your position or your wife's position. AP has huge problems. Not a bad person, but there are some gaps. It is always a risk.
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