Haunting Regret

[Despair-and-Loss]

Hello all.

 

I'll get straight to the point. This is a boy to boy relationship.

 

So here's how it goes...

When I was 13, (entered Secondary School) I met this boy, D. We had it going good and nice. Soon enough, we were friends "with benefits". He seemed to be as interested in me as I was interested in him. We would have quite a lot of physical contact (but no sex affairs). We would hug and touch pretty often. The sort of thing couples would do.

However, we did not literally say we were a couple or boyfriends. We basically spent time with each other every day but never proclaimed or asked to be a couple, officially between the two of us. We never kissed as well. Yes, I know it sounds really weird but we didn't.

It went on until we were about 16/17 (around that age) that I began to "lose interest" in him or something similar to that. I began ignoring his "touches" and hugs and kept to myself more. He didn't know what was wrong and he wanted me to "respond". I can't remember exactly how he relayed the message to me, but I definitely knew he wanted me to respond and didn't want to lose me. I on the other hand, started to dislike him a little because of what-I-deemed-selfish attitude. He did not really care about my academic achievements or daily matters/problems, like a healthy couple would. He would be selfish in wanting to achieve good grades, but not care about my grades at all. We would just be "friends with benefits" day in and day out. He did not have a cell at that time (I did though) so I couldn't text him every night.

So, then at 17 I'm pretty sure he knew that he had lost me, and that really did break his heart, I'm very certain. I'd like to point out that there was no literal straight-forward break up that occurred. I did not confront him and tell him anything, we just lost our relationship.

We were still friends afterwards though, we would still talk but we would be not as close as we were.

Of course, soon after, when I was 18, I started regretting my actions. So also at the age of 18, I was at a party of his at his house. We were both in a room on his laptop, and I tried creating some physical contact with him like I used to when we were both "together". He pushed my hand away (not roughly, just decently) and stood up and kept a distance. He didn't say anything though, but I didn't want to push it so I didn't continue. We just spent the night like a normal party afterwards.

 

We then parted ways when we went to college, he went to a different college at a different state altogether, while I remained at my hometown.

 

This year (I'm 20 now), we had a small "reunion" with a couple of friends. He still talked to me, like a normal friend would. Do know that I was never invited to a party ever since the last one (the one I mentioned above) so we aren't as "close" anymore. Problem is, soon after, I would think of him, and dream of him. I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. I still think and dream of him.

I truly regret not keeping my relationship with him, or taking a further step and making it a real and healthy relationship when I had the chance.

 

Now, I do not contact him regularly (although I can easily contact him through Facebook or Twitter, etc.). I do want to talk to him again, but I'm reluctant to do so because he may think it as really "weird". We're studying in completely different fields and miles apart (disregarding the time he comes back home during his holidays). For me to suddenly message him, it would feel awkward, and I'm not an extrovert so I can't as easily come up with something to talk about.

 

Well now, I dare not even message him, how would I ever be able to form a true, and real relationship with him?

 

Please help me, I would appreciate any sound advice.

[Philosoraptor]

If he is single, and you want to try to make something happen, then just give it a shot. Worst case scenario is you'll be in the same place you are now.