JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I don't mean to make this question sound rhetorical, but the story is such that he believes I am doing something that "hurts him." Although I try my best to carry myself in a way that won't "hurt him" he still spins it out of control and causes a fight. And at the end of these fights he delivers a "I can't do this anymore" which is followed by him telling me he wants to leave. Let me just say, that he has been mentioning breaking up consistently for the last several months and in the last month he just won't stop running his mouth. I took this for a while but now he won't stop and it's causing me a lot of pain. Last time this happened it tore me apart and I told him he needs to be sure he wants to end the relationship the next time he says he wants to leave. (FYI: what am I doing that is "causing him pain"? In the beginning of the relationship he did things like talking about other women, flirting with other women, and a host of other sleezy things that I never got over. So, nowadays almost a year down the road I end up bringing them up so we can discuss them and lay them to rest. Apparently this process of bringing things up over and over is "pressuring" him and "hurting him" because I bring up things almost daily.) You have to understand that he runs his mouth but in the end we stay together and it seems like he's just using emotional manipulation to get what he wants, i.e. "if you don't stop doing this I will leave," so I told him he can go if he so desires. I don't deserve to live like this on the edge expecting this guy to leave me and I told him last night, when he did it AGAIN, that he can f*cking go already. He wants me to take "responsibility" in this "situation" where his decision to leave me is his own. He says I won't "help him" and "stop doing what hurts him," and I laughed at him if he really expects me to do anything to resolve this situation given how many times he has tried to leave. That's the bottom line here and what I told him. I am not going to be nice to him anymore, I don't want to talk to him anymore, I don't care anymore. It's quite clear our relationship means nothing to him based on how easy it is for him to threaten a break up. If you only knew how badly it hurts to hear him continuously deliver death sentences to our relationship, how it makes me feel about him? How I feel I am worthless to him, so much so that he has no problem walking away? And he still expects me to "help him?" I don't have respect left for him and the only feeling I have is, he will find a reason to leave once and for all and I don't want to be a part of this. Can you please offer some advice in this situation?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Bumping this, not sure if anyone saw.
xanitus Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 psycho. Take a long break away from him. Clear ur head then decide if hes willing to go the long haul for.
Knoxpwns Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I don't mean to make this question sound rhetorical, but the story is such that he believes I am doing something that "hurts him." Although I try my best to carry myself in a way that won't "hurt him" he still spins it out of control and causes a fight. And at the end of these fights he delivers a "I can't do this anymore" which is followed by him telling me he wants to leave. Let me just say, that he has been mentioning breaking up consistently for the last several months and in the last month he just won't stop running his mouth. I took this for a while but now he won't stop and it's causing me a lot of pain. Last time this happened it tore me apart and I told him he needs to be sure he wants to end the relationship the next time he says he wants to leave. (FYI: what am I doing that is "causing him pain"? When my ex would do this, she was already unhappy with the relationship, and was just blowing anything out of proportion to try to use as a valid excuse to break up. In the beginning of the relationship he did things like talking about other women, flirting with other women, and a host of other sleezy things that I never got over. So, nowadays almost a year down the road I end up bringing them up so we can discuss them and lay them to rest. Apparently this process of bringing things up over and over is "pressuring" him and "hurting him" because I bring up things almost daily.) Does he still do these things? If its stopped, then bringing them up daily (or more than once or twice even) is kind of irrelevant and just salting a wound in your relationship. If he still does them, than thats a different story. It's not right that he did it, but if its stopped, holding it over his head would be kind of pressuring. You have to understand that he runs his mouth but in the end we stay together and it seems like he's just using emotional manipulation to get what he wants, i.e. "if you don't stop doing this I will leave," so I told him he can go if he so desires. I don't deserve to live like this on the edge expecting this guy to leave me and I told him last night, when he did it AGAIN, that he can f*cking go already. He wants me to take "responsibility" in this "situation" where his decision to leave me is his own. He says I won't "help him" and "stop doing what hurts him," and I laughed at him if he really expects me to do anything to resolve this situation given how many times he has tried to leave. That's the bottom line here and what I told him. I am not going to be nice to him anymore, I don't want to talk to him anymore, I don't care anymore. It's quite clear our relationship means nothing to him based on how easy it is for him to threaten a break up. If you only knew how badly it hurts to hear him continuously deliver death sentences to our relationship, how it makes me feel about him? How I feel I am worthless to him, so much so that he has no problem walking away? And he still expects me to "help him?" I don't have respect left for him and the only feeling I have is, he will find a reason to leave once and for all and I don't want to be a part of this. Can you please offer some advice in this situation? Read the bolded parts, but pretend like you're not in the relationship. read them as an outside party. It's kind of clear based on your feelings that you are tired of it. If he doesn't stop and you keep it together, just for him to do it again, then you leave him. its VERY possible he is trying to pressure you into ending the relationship instead of him, so he can absolve himself of guilt for leaving you, and make you the bad guy. my ex tried VERY hard to do this. would make me feel like I was worthless and was going nowhere in life, when in reality she was just trying to get me to leave. If you are sick of it, and you are sick of the games, then end it yourself. don't drag yourself through the mud waiting for him to follow through on his empty threats.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 (edited) Does he still do these things? If its stopped, then bringing them up daily (or more than once or twice even) is kind of irrelevant and just salting a wound in your relationship. If he still does them, than thats a different story. It's not right that he did it, but if its stopped, holding it over his head would be kind of pressuring. Okay I will be completely honest with you. He hasn't really stopped doing them, he's just not doing them OFTEN, although I have caught him blatantly looking at other women and not even noticing me in front of him. And there were times when he was clearly feeding into a woman trying to pick him up but claimed he wasn't trying to "flirt back." So, these things have affected my trust in him because if he can do those things then he hasn't really changed. I don't mean to hold them over his head but I do because of what I said above and because, when we talked about them for the FIRST time he would ALWAYS make some excuse for it. He would simply deny my suspicions or get defensive, "what's wrong with smiling at a girl?" when clearly it was flirtatious, while she was eating something and got sugar all over her mouth, AND she smiled back shyly, for example. That stuff is a big deal. And he expects me to trust him when he denies obvious stuff like that? Or he will look a woman up and down IN FRONT OF ME and then claim he doesn't look at other women? This is not trustworthy behavior if he can't even admit the obvious or take responsibility for his actions. Edited August 6, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt
blotter Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 "emotional blackmail" is a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish them to get what they want.
stillafool Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Okay I will be completely honest with you. He hasn't really stopped doing them, he's just not doing them OFTEN, although I have caught him blatantly looking at other women and not even noticing me in front of him. And there were times when he was clearly feeding into a woman trying to pick him up but claimed he wasn't trying to "flirt back." So, these things have affected my trust in him because if he can do those things then he hasn't really changed. I don't mean to hold them over his head but I do because of what I said above and because, when we talked about them for the FIRST time he would ALWAYS make some excuse for it. He would simply deny my suspicions or get defensive, "what's wrong with smiling at a girl?" when clearly it was flirtatious, while she was eating something and got sugar all over her mouth, AND she smiled back shyly, for example. That stuff is a big deal. And he expects me to trust him when he denies obvious stuff like that? Or he will look a woman up and down IN FRONT OF ME and then claim he doesn't look at other women? This is not trustworthy behavior if he can't even admit the obvious or take responsibility for his actions. Why in the world do you put up with his behavior? You should be the one "trying to break up with him". As a matter of fact you should be gone. He is blatantly disrespecting you. You certainly can't be planning to marry this guy because you will be an emotional wreck in no time. He's not worth it.
flitzanu Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't mean to make this question sound rhetorical, but the story is such that he believes I am doing something that "hurts him." Although I try my best to carry myself in a way that won't "hurt him" he still spins it out of control and causes a fight. And at the end of these fights he delivers a "I can't do this anymore" which is followed by him telling me he wants to leave. Let me just say, that he has been mentioning breaking up consistently for the last several months and in the last month he just won't stop running his mouth. I took this for a while but now he won't stop and it's causing me a lot of pain. Last time this happened it tore me apart and I told him he needs to be sure he wants to end the relationship the next time he says he wants to leave. (FYI: what am I doing that is "causing him pain"? In the beginning of the relationship he did things like talking about other women, flirting with other women, and a host of other sleezy things that I never got over. So, nowadays almost a year down the road I end up bringing them up so we can discuss them and lay them to rest. Apparently this process of bringing things up over and over is "pressuring" him and "hurting him" because I bring up things almost daily.) You have to understand that he runs his mouth but in the end we stay together and it seems like he's just using emotional manipulation to get what he wants, i.e. "if you don't stop doing this I will leave," so I told him he can go if he so desires. I don't deserve to live like this on the edge expecting this guy to leave me and I told him last night, when he did it AGAIN, that he can f*cking go already. He wants me to take "responsibility" in this "situation" where his decision to leave me is his own. He says I won't "help him" and "stop doing what hurts him," and I laughed at him if he really expects me to do anything to resolve this situation given how many times he has tried to leave. That's the bottom line here and what I told him. I am not going to be nice to him anymore, I don't want to talk to him anymore, I don't care anymore. It's quite clear our relationship means nothing to him based on how easy it is for him to threaten a break up. If you only knew how badly it hurts to hear him continuously deliver death sentences to our relationship, how it makes me feel about him? How I feel I am worthless to him, so much so that he has no problem walking away? And he still expects me to "help him?" I don't have respect left for him and the only feeling I have is, he will find a reason to leave once and for all and I don't want to be a part of this. Can you please offer some advice in this situation? he keeps doing it because he wants to break up with you.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 he keeps doing it because he wants to break up with you. What's stopping him?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Because he is a coward. Fair enough. At the end of the night I told him I would assume it's over unless he tells me he wants to be with me and he said, "Of course I wanna be with you." What's this game he's playing?
Keenly Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Fair enough. At the end of the night I told him I would assume it's over unless he tells me he wants to be with me and he said, "Of course I wanna be with you." What's this game he's playing? This sounds to me like auto pilot damage control. Inside he doesn't want to be with you. But its a symptom of one or more things. A) He really isn't sure yet. B) He wants out, but he doesn't want to hurt you. C) He wants out, but he is terrified of being alone, and doesn't want to have to date / be single again. D) He is just crazy. I'll let you decide. B and C are what I have suffered from before.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 He wants you to break up with him. So do it. Why do you want to stay in this sh*tty relationship anyway?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) He wants you to break up with him. So do it. Why do you want to stay in this sh*tty relationship anyway? I don't want to stay in this ****ty relationship. He has only begun to act this crazy in the last 1-2 months at most. I will admit in the beginning with his ridiculous, insecure penis compensation behavior where he had to randomly talk about another woman's breasts to me or flirt in front of me, completely unprovoked, I spent the first part our relationship trying to break it off, myself. Which ultimately irritated him, but I had reason. Then, things improved and they seemed to stabilize. Unfortunately his previous behavior haunted me to the point where I regretted staying, if you can understand that. After all, not only did I get the "treatment" but now I have to suffer through this stuff staying in my head and coming up ever few days. So, as you can tell, everything ultimately leads back to him. I was literally the victim the entire time and there's no other way to put it. I just stayed to have a normal relationship and I can't even have that because I am constantly reminded of his sleezy, disgusting behavior. Now he's trying to use it against me and saying he can't spend a day without hearing it. Well, who is to blame for that? He's not trustworthy and he knows it. He has told me word for word that he is womanizer and believes all relationships including marriages fail. So, I resolved his desire to break up now that we've actually hit a stable point to the fact that it's just a little too scary for him, because his ultimate philosophy about relationships ending is being challenged. I called him on it. I said, you'll find a reason to leave. It's only lately he's really begun to talk about leaving and has brought it up multiple times and told me "he's not threatening, he's serious and he will leave." I hate to admit this but the truth is... I know he will. You know some people, you can tell their bluffing or they really don't want to do something. With him, I don't feel valuable, loved, or wanted. I feel like nothing. I feel that he will and can leave at a drop of a hat. He puts forth almost no effort. Last night we got into a fight and I frantically searched for a means to call him because he's across the world right now, so I spent extra money in addition to the money I've spent so far just to call him and resolve it. Tonight, after what happened last night, I felt so rotten that I told him I want to be left alone. He said "Ok sorry" and didn't even ask what was wrong. I can count on him to leave no matter what - even tonight - I can count on him so do exactly as he says. If he says he will leave, he will. There's no true connection involved. Edited August 7, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt 1
Simon Phoenix Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I don't get why you are delaying then. Just end it.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I don't get why you are delaying then. Just end it. Yeah. I just feel like, at this point I am giving him all the power, you know? I mean, it's like he's holding the relationship over my head. On the one hand he has some nice traits I don't want to leave, but on the other he has absolutely nasty traits that I want to leave and I don't want to feel like he is doing me a favor by being with me because honestly (and I don't know why this is happening) there have been like 10 different guys in the neighborhood who have tried to get with me, and he hasn't even been gone for a month. And the best part is that at least half of them know we are together. It's not right to hold your relationship over someone's head like that, keeping them on the edge with the fear that you will leave - taking away their dignity. He likes to argue that I did the same thing, and I did, but I did it because he clearly wanted to push me away -- I don't know why else someone would keep talking about other women in sexual ways to the person they are dating other than to push them away.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Yeah. I just feel like, at this point I am giving him all the power, you know? I mean, it's like he's holding the relationship over my head. On the one hand he has some nice traits I don't want to leave, but on the other he has absolutely nasty traits that I want to leave and I don't want to feel like he is doing me a favor by being with me because honestly (and I don't know why this is happening) there have been like 10 different guys in the neighborhood who have tried to get with me, and he hasn't even been gone for a month. And the best part is that at least half of them know we are together. It's not right to hold your relationship over someone's head like that, keeping them on the edge with the fear that you will leave - taking away their dignity. He likes to argue that I did the same thing, and I did, but I did it because he clearly wanted to push me away -- I don't know why else someone would keep talking about other women in sexual ways to the person they are dating other than to push them away. You are completely overthinking this. He sucks, the relationship sucks, be done with it. Stop trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 You are completely overthinking this. He sucks, the relationship sucks, be done with it. Stop trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. That is true. I guess it was a new experience for me. I don't think I've ever tried to stick it out when I knew it was crap from the beginning.
flitzanu Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 What's stopping him? you are. you keep allowing him to break up and change his mind and keep being fickle about it. do you really want to be with someone that wants to dump you?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 you are. you keep allowing him to break up and change his mind and keep being fickle about it. do you really want to be with someone that wants to dump you? Of course not -- and that is why he and I are even having "this issue" because in his perfect world he would do whatever he wants and I wouldn't complain about it. You know what I'm saying? There was a time when I tried to break it off many times and whenever we made so much as CONTACT with one another, he would simply assume we are back together. We did not even have a reconciliation type conversation. He would just say "she is talking to me, being nice to me, and letting me hug her. We are back together" and then he would act like it so I let it slide. I guess he is trying to "do it back to me" and trying to slide away with the same unspoken agreement as before. Well, I am not him and I have a big problem with acting like nothing ever happened.
mercuryshadow Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 He wants out, but he's also being an opportunist. He'll take whatever he can get out of the relationship before its inevitable end. Take control of YOUR life, don't allow him to manipulate you, and end things. Because I can guarantee you're headed for a dead end. This relationship has run its course.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 He wants out, but he's also being an opportunist. He'll take whatever he can get out of the relationship before its inevitable end. Take control of YOUR life, don't allow him to manipulate you, and end things. Because I can guarantee you're headed for a dead end. This relationship has run its course. I will tell you my [biased] view on this situation. Perhaps I am wearing rose colored glasses, but I also have this feeling that he doesn't really want to leave. I have a feeling that these threats are empty in the long run, and that he will stay as long as he gets what he wants. If it becomes too much pressure he will try to scare or manipulate me into doing what he wants, but in reality HE is too scared to really leave. And I say that because if he really wanted to leave he already would have -- he'd had plenty of opportunity. In my opinion he's just trying to evoke an emotional reaction from me so that he knows he still "has me" and will do anything for him. In other words, he is trying to control me. But that all points to his actual insecurity to leave. He would rather try to control me by any means than just leave.
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I will tell you my [biased] view on this situation. Perhaps I am wearing rose colored glasses, but I also have this feeling that he doesn't really want to leave. I have a feeling that these threats are empty in the long run, and that he will stay as long as he gets what he wants. If it becomes too much pressure he will try to scare or manipulate me into doing what he wants, but in reality HE is too scared to really leave. And I say that because if he really wanted to leave he already would have -- he'd had plenty of opportunity. In my opinion he's just trying to evoke an emotional reaction from me so that he knows he still "has me" and will do anything for him. In other words, he is trying to control me. But that all points to his actual insecurity to leave. He would rather try to control me by any means than just leave. so why would he leave when he can make you do whatever he wants, he can threaten to leave and you'll run begging, and he still gets to bang you while treating you like crap? you're giving him the perfect situation...you're always at his side waiting, and he gets to control everything you do for fear of him leaving.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I will tell you my [biased] view on this situation. Perhaps I am wearing rose colored glasses, but I also have this feeling that he doesn't really want to leave. I have a feeling that these threats are empty in the long run, and that he will stay as long as he gets what he wants. If it becomes too much pressure he will try to scare or manipulate me into doing what he wants, but in reality HE is too scared to really leave. And I say that because if he really wanted to leave he already would have -- he'd had plenty of opportunity. In my opinion he's just trying to evoke an emotional reaction from me so that he knows he still "has me" and will do anything for him. In other words, he is trying to control me. But that all points to his actual insecurity to leave. He would rather try to control me by any means than just leave. Once again, why all of this overthinking? You don't like the relationship, you want to leave it. Just do it and stop playing this game. The only reason he's doing this is because you allow it. Just cut him off. Why you are wasting all of this energy on this is beyond me. He doesn't really like you, you don't really like him. I don't get what I'm missing here.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 8, 2013 Author Posted August 8, 2013 so why would he leave when he can make you do whatever he wants, he can threaten to leave and you'll run begging, and he still gets to bang you while treating you like crap? you're giving him the perfect situation...you're always at his side waiting, and he gets to control everything you do for fear of him leaving. He's not even on the same continent right now.
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